Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Stockpiled Cravings

So yesterday I found myself doing something I haven’t done in a long time (well, since last week). I felt it growing all afternoon and it ruined my entire day: I started building expectations.

I having been working since we picked up D/s again to reign in my expectations. I need to give him the space to handle all of his workload and everything at home. But this weekend the boys are going to grandma’s. Right now the plan is for her to come and get the kids Friday afternoon and we’ll figure out how we are getting them back sometime on Sunday. That’s two nights. Two whole nights of sleep and opportunities to play. And I do. I really really want to play. Not just fuck. That’s nice, and I certainly won’t complain if/when that happens. But a chance for some rough play sounds so good. Almost necessary. Some lovely marks for a Sinful Sunday photo would go amiss either.

We haven’t played with any sort of bondage or role-play in a long time. Control has been pretty limited, due to time and his comfort level, and I want to be respectful of that. We rushed into things last time and even if it took a few years, he burnt out. We need to take it slow so that that doesn’t happen again.

But expectations are tricky. They are a mixture of our fantasies and the brightest possible reality we can imagine. We can try and suppress them, or alter them to prepare us for what is more likely to happen. In my experience that rarely works. Once the expectation has been created, I fail miserably at changing it. It makes no difference how much I may want to.

It’s not like I want to be disappointed. I don’t knowingly do this to torture myself. And I hate the idea of making him feel guilty for not meeting my fantasy for a particular evening or scene. If it was something I could turn off I would.

I guess I should try and take it as a positive. I mean, I crave him. I crave the submission he has the power to demand and pull from me. And I love all the of the deliciously filthy fantasies that my mind creates for our time together. I guess at least that means I haven’t given up. I haven’t gotten to the point where I just assume that our nights together will be joyless. That’s something, right? Given the option, I would rather have an unfulfilled expectation of being bound up in rope and beaten to a lovely red than just giving up and going to bed. The bad mood that comes from that unfulfilled fantasy doesn’t last too long. And it’s not like we couldn’t get the chance to fulfill it some other time.

So I have high hopes for this weekend. Two nights without kids will hopefully also mean at least one night of fun (maybe one night of sleep). The expectations will likely continue for the foreseeable future while we work to find a new balance with D/s in our lives. The unfulfilled fantasies will be replaced by those that are fulfilled. And fulfilled for the right reasons rather than just my selfish cravings.

But it’s always good to have a few fantasies stockpiled away for just right moment.
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6 Responses to “Stockpiled Cravings”

  • Her Subject

    When reality does not live up to fantasies, take comfort that you have it better than most people. Most people just have boring sex. You are probably having more fun than us. For the past 6 years, we have had two nights without kids. Only two nights. But whatever we had, even in rushed manner, or ended abruptly, if BDSM was involved, it was never boring. Even if it was for a few seconds. Even failures, which we have had a few, were so spectacular they were not boring. We have had it better than most people who never attempted to act out their fantasies.
    For some unknown reason when something goes wrong it always exceeds your expectation 😉

  • Marie Rebelle

    I think it’s always better to try and focus on the positive and make things work for you. Step by step and everything will be okay again, because as I understand it, your husband wants to continue the D/s but is just too busy at this moment? I don’t think your cravings are selfish, and given time, you will be able to fullfil them 🙂

    Rebel xox

  • India Reid

    I admire you so much for trying to make the D/s relationship work with kids, darlin’! It’s a road I imagine I’ll have to walk down as well someday… You give me such strength! xx

    • Rye

      You are so sweet. And I think having a D/s relationship that is well defined before kids will help you. Starting it with young children already in the mix wasn’t the smartest things, but it’s the hand we were dealt. It’s not like we were going to wait until they were grown to be happy with our sex life.

  • Velvet Rose

    It’s so hard isn’t it. We don’t have kids at home but a complicated life and work on both sides does get in the way. Tiredness from it all does impact. Expectations can be hard to deal with but if you are both on the same page (which it appears you are) you will find a way.

    Velvet x

  • Molly

    I love our kids free weekends. They are little havens of paradise in an otherwise crazy busy life. I hope your weekend is just as fabulous.

    Mollyxxx

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