Do you ever feel like your passions are actually a burden? How much you love that activity and how much it hurts when you can’t do them all the time. Sometimes that’s how I feel about kink. I love it so much that I almost get bitter at the fact that I can’t do it all the time.
It’s not the kid’s fault or even Sir’s. Our lives just don’t work with 24/7 control right now. He can’t take that on until he gets his job, meds, and confidence sorted. I know how much pressure he is taking on himself to do just that. And I hate the thought of pressuring him to rush through something that really shouldn’t be rushed. But I hate looking from the outside in. I love reading blogs and Tumblrs with great photos and sexy experiences. But it’s just not something we can do right now, or at least as much as I’d like. And that’s annoying.
Why can’t it be enough? Why can’t I just be satisfied with where we are? Why does my kink keep pushing me to push him for more?
Sometimes I just want to turn it off. And trust me, I’ve tried. I’m not going to say it’s like hiding your homosexuality by pretending to be straight; that’s a whole different thing in my opinion. But I have tried to suppress urges and cravings. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it just bubbles up into a pissy tantrum of a mess that makes me feel like a five year-old. Then the guilt train starts.
I guess that’s the reality of getting the bliss from the high of BDSM. There is that urging to always want to get back there. But life doesn’t work that way. I have bills to pay and cleaning to do. I’ve never tried cleaning while in subspace and I’m not really sure it would end well. The twitter boyfriend finally talked me into joining his workout group, so I have been exercising too. Being sore doesn’t quell the kinky cravings as much as I hoped they would. And it’s given Sir some horrible punishment ideas. Stupid planks.