Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Burden

Do you ever feel like your passions are actually a burden? How much you love that activity and how much it hurts when you can’t do them all the time. Sometimes that’s how I feel about kink. I love it so much that I almost get bitter at the fact that I can’t do it all the time.

It’s not the kid’s fault or even Sir’s. Our lives just don’t work with 24/7 control right now. He can’t take that on until he gets his job, meds, and confidence sorted. I know how much pressure he is taking on himself to do just that. And I hate the thought of pressuring him to rush through something that really shouldn’t be rushed. But I hate looking from the outside in. I love reading blogs and Tumblrs with great photos and sexy experiences. But it’s just not something we can do right now, or at least as much as I’d like. And that’s annoying.

Why can’t it be enough? Why can’t I just be satisfied with where we are? Why does my kink keep pushing me to push him for more?

Sometimes I just want to turn it off. And trust me, I’ve tried. I’m not going to say it’s like hiding your homosexuality by pretending to be straight; that’s a whole different thing in my opinion. But I have tried to suppress urges and cravings. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it just bubbles up into a pissy tantrum of a mess that makes me feel like a five year-old. Then the guilt train starts.

I guess that’s the reality of getting the bliss from the high of BDSM. There is that urging to always want to get back there. But life doesn’t work that way. I have bills to pay and cleaning to do. I’ve never tried cleaning while in subspace and I’m not really sure it would end well. The twitter boyfriend finally talked me into joining his workout group, so I have been exercising too. Being sore doesn’t quell the kinky cravings as much as I hoped they would. And it’s given Sir some horrible punishment ideas. Stupid planks.

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2 Responses to “Burden”

  • ancilla ksst

    Yes! I have felt that way dozens/hundreds of times. And the guilt over feeling that way! Why can’t I just be like everyone else (seems to) and take the fun times as they come? Why do I have to get all pissy and grouchy? Why do I have to be so damn needy? Then it goes into a self hating spiral.

    For me, exercise does help. Running a mile, pushing on through discomfort, the feeling of accomplishment when I finish, they are all better than sitting and stewing. It isn’t a perfect substitute, but it is better than not exercising.

    You’re definitely not the only one.

    • Rye

      Thank you. That means a lot. And exercise is helping.

      Thanks though. I just need to push past it.

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