Yesterday I crossed a line. I did something that I swore to Sir I would never do. I gave him a reason not to trust me.
At the time it seemed so innocent. A conversation, what could be harmful about that? We talked about control and my goals for the future. Which turned into discussions about check-ins and trying different aspects of kink. We talked about football teams, I thought we were just chatting. And then it turned into something else. I don’t know when, or how. I was comfortable with everything. But then he started talking about keeping it secret. And suddenly it was dirty. Everything was suspect and all the sudden I felt like I should feel guilty. I told him that I didn’t keep secrets from Sir. He tried to justify his desire to keep it quiet, and everything went downhill.
When Sir got home we discussed it right away. While cooking dinner I gave him the basic overview of the conversation. He wasn’t bothered at all until I told him about the conversation regarding keeping it quiet. His guard was raised just as mine had been. He read the twitter conversation after dinner. He wasn’t mad at me, but I felt nauseous. As soon as keeping our conversation secret was raised, all the sudden I was shoved into feeling like I was cheating. Like I was doing something wrong.
I talk to several people on twitter. I have a support group for my exercise, a good sub friend half a world away, even a friend that exchanges masturbation stories and pictures with me. And I’ve never felt bad about any conversation before. Sir can read any of them, at any time. I would never keep it from him. He trusts me to know that I can draw the line at flirting and sharing sexy photos. He allows me to do that because he trusts me. And when that guy suggested that our conversation should be kept quiet, I was immediately worried that I had unknowingly crossed a line.
Sir and I talked a lot last night. About how to deal with this specific situation and defining flirting going forward. He was understanding that I was actually beating myself up worse than he was. I think he felt disrespected by the guy. For not appreciating his authority over me in encouraging me to keep it quiet. But I let it get there.