Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Right Kind of Wrong

Scotland sign indicating handicapped carriage.
When you need clear directions on what’s ahead.

Do you ever feel like you are doing it all wrong? Like there was class you missed and no one will share their notes? I actually feel that way about life most of the time, but right now I specifically referring to BDSM.

I know there isn’t ‘one right way’. Kinky relationships and encounters are a constant recipe change of add a bit more salt or turning the oven up for the last ten minutes. Little changes can have an enormous impact on the entire dynamic and have to be made with care. But Sir and I don’t have the luxury of small changes over a long period of time. Between the kids, the two businesses, and the upcoming move, we are lucky to get a chance to play at all. We try to talk about scenes, but changes in our dynamic are sporadic at best. It just feels like everyone else got the memo on how to do this, but our emails both crashed that day, apparently.

The hardest part is that I think we know what we want, and even better, those wants aren’t that disparate. But as much as I crave something closer to 24/7 and even though he’s game for that, we can’t seem to make it work. I feel like I’ve already given up control, it just wasn’t willingly, and numerous people have a piece of it, including the dog. Even trying to incorporate small acts of D/s outside the bedroom has had to compete with other priorities. Because work and the boys refuse to share their time, our personal time (limited though it may be), is usually the first thing offered up for more play opportunities. And I can’t judge Sir for wanting to keep that time. He works hard and those relaxing moments alone are rare enough as it is.

Maybe it is just the general stress of life right now. A lot of things seem to be prefaced with, “once we’re settled in the new place,” and maybe our D/s routine will have to be one of them. I just can’t help but think that there must be an easier way. Maybe not easier, I do want to work through to find the right path for us; I’m not trying to skip the work. I guess I just read these blogs about the D/s relationship once it’s established. There may be some tiny bumps and a fight or two, but the foundation is there. Sir and I love each other and our marriage is solid, but this new layer keeps tripping us up as it wasn’t there from the beginning. And I have been surprised at how tricky the process has been to alter some of our older understandings.

I think that I would love for this testing phase of the dynamic to be over. It would be lovely to move into the new house with our relationship solidified. Because, even once we move there will be stressors pulling on our time. And I am more that a little bit ready to have one of those ‘boring’ kinky dynamics everyone talks about. Growing old as Sir and Rye with my daily bondage wear and successful play parties with all our kinky neighborhood friends. What more could a slave ask for?

Even with those lofty goals, I will try and keep perspective and appreciate the journey. I guess if there is no ‘right way’ then our trial and error cannot be too wrong. And I guess steps forward, however small, are still moving in the right direction.

You guys would tell me if we were making a complete mess of it though, right?

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7 Responses to “Right Kind of Wrong”

  • ancilla ksst

    It sounds very stressful. I’m not sure what kind of D/s routine you are thinking other people have that you don’t have time for, but ours on a daily basis, on a busy day, takes only 1 minute? Everyone has one minute. Every other routine that we have is more about mindfulness in doing things that have to be done anyway. I have two children. Seven dogs that have to be let out at different times because some don’t get along that well. I have 9 sheep, one of whom still has to be bottle fed three times a day. Which means washing bottles, making formula etc. as if he was a baby. No diapers though, thank god. My Master generally is gone from 7 am to 6 or 7 pm and he works Saturday half a day too. When he’s home he plays a lot of computer games. No, you’re not doing it wrong! Your life is just very busy and stressful and perhaps your expectations too high? I’m not sure. But a very small routine can take very little time.

    • Rye

      I agree that my expectations are probably too high. Just swept up in everything that this could be. I think it just makes me so happy that I want it all the time. I crave it in all parts of my life. I need to temper my expectations and stop putting so much pressure on Sir. I think I just read your blog, kaya’s, and others; they have D/s everyday, in all facets of their lives, or at least it seems that way.

      • ancilla ksst

        That’s cause I don’t write about the boring parts- they are too boring!

        • ancilla ksst

          PS I crave it constantly and never get enough also. There is nothing I can do about that though. I remind myself that I’m here for his pleasure, and not the other way around.

          • Rye

            A very good thing to remember. I need to work on that bit.

  • Sugar Sack

    maybe incorporate small things into your busy life

    serving him dinner ? not eating until he nods to you? evening with the family watching tv…. set at his feet ? mornings …. shower.. dry him off ? lay our his toiletries for his use ? small things that dont take a lot of time but may keep you both in the D/s mindset

    just a suggestion from a long distance sub hoping to live the 24/7 soon 🙂

    ss

    • Rye

      Those sound fun. Nice little things to help me stay mindful throughout the day. Good luck in your 24/7 journey too. 🙂

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