I haven’t always wanted to have sexual experiences with multiple partners. Having been cheated on in high school and remembering that hurt, I always thought I would remain a serial monogamist. And it wasn’t like that bothered me. Those who refused to settle down and commit to one person were always depicted as players and incapable of growing up. Family and TV cemented this idea.
Since starting this BDSM journey with Sir, the fantasy of playing with other people and couples continues to grow. Nothing against Sir, but even he admits that he doesn’t have the expertise in all of my kinks. BDSM isn’t just about sex, there is so much more to share. But I’ll admit, the sexual aspect is a large draw. Most of my hottest fantasies include being used (and abused) by others. Sir is usually there, often taking part. Though having him loan me out to a couple has become a dream weekend I would take in a heartbeat.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me feels like I’m getting really turned on at the thought of being unfaithful. What does that say about me? That I’m a slut who loves sex. That I appreciate that other people can give me a sexual experience that I would love to have. That Sir and I could learn from others and have a great time doing it. As long as we are both honest and keep communicating with each other, I think it’s okay. I don’t want Sir to feel like I am not putting his needs first or that I am in any way saying that he doesn’t make me happy.
I don’t think I would classify myself as poly though. Just because I want to have sexual experiences with others and enjoy what they can bring to my kink, doesn’t mean that I love them or want to have a long-term romantic relationship with them. I don’t think I could love another person like I love Sir. And I don’t want to share the life we’ve built together. But I would always love to have another sexy friend. I don’t know that I would feel comfortable having sex with a stranger, I want to know you and have a connection. I want to talk to you about what books you like and what silly thing your kids did.
So is me craving a network of friends with benefits just me trying to justify my parting with serial monogamy? Have any of you struggled with the desire to add another person or people to your play? Was there an emotion backlash the first time you did? Did it change your relationship for the better? For the worst?