Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

When Sir Hurts

What do you do when your Sir hurts? Physical ailments are easy. You can pamper and care for them through any illness. But what about problems that you can’t fix with a foot rub and a bowl of soup?

Sir’s father passed away in 2013. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in early 2012, but survived almost a year more than a he was given by the doctor. It was a struggle. He passed the day we found out we were pregnant with our second child. We didn’t get to tell him. But as difficult as it was to lose him, the process since then has almost been worse. His second wife was named executor of the estate and has been dragging her feet (in our opinion) in executing the will.

Then there is Sir’s job. Helping people is great, but it’s a lot of pressure and stress to perform. As he gets ready to start his own firm there are the fears of failure and what it would mean for our family. Telling him how much I believe in him isn’t enough. He comes home from work thinking about how much he has yet to get done. Dinner and time with the kids is filled with deadlines. It’s hard not to complain about time with him, but it’s how we pay the bills. And me whining about it doesn’t help him feel any better.

And, of course, there is D/s. We both want more; I want a lot more. But D/s isn’t a solid thing. Right now it has to be fluid and just squeeze into the gaps of our lives. And lately there just isn’t room. And believe me, it shows. We are both cranky and stressed. We want the release. Him beating me, me being beaten. But we just are connecting will any regularity.

So how do I help him feel better? I am trying not to be too bitter and pissy about the lack of BDSM. I am trying to deal with all manner of issues of the house, the move, the kids, and each new outcropping of bills that appear. I would lovingly suck his cock if he asked me to. Trust me. We just tend to get into this cycle where he gets stressed out, I try to help, it’s never enough, then I get pissy and he feels guilty and more stressed. Rinse; repeat. My attempts to help usually backfire or are ill-timed with something else that has gone wrong. I try to stay positive for as long as possible, but eventually I hit a depressive slump and then have to pull myself out while also trying to motivate him.

Reading this I’m realizing that it seems like I only want him to feel better for the D/s. Obviously I want him to be happy with or without it. But I’ve seen the look on his face when we play (the few times he’s let me keep my glasses on). He is so relaxed after anal, or a good blow job. Everything else that’s going on isn’t important and he can just focus on us. That is one of the reasons I love it so much as well. But when we don’t play, I don’t get that chance to refocus and refresh. And because I know what it can do for both our moods, I really do try to get him to a place where he wants to scene. But lately I can’t even do that.

I’m just worried about him. These last months have been a lot to take. And while moving in two weeks should help that, it’s also going to be hectic. Everything is still in the ‘once we get settled in the new house’ stage. I’m just concerned that it won’t get better once we are settled. Fingers crossed though.

I obviously need to stop ruminating on his mood and just be happy myself. Hopefully a happy sub will help. Right now it’s all I’ve got.

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