Absence makes you way behind on your school work, or miss an important meeting, or makes you forget your co-worker’s name. Absence, in my experience, does not make the heart grow fonder. My years in a long-distance relationship were not fond; with the only good memories being when we did sort out a quick visit. I tend to feel unwanted and unloved without a physical presence. So maybe my reaction to ‘absence’ isn’t the same as most. But I have found that this type of reaction is the same for all aspects of a relationship for me, especially sex.
My sex drive over the last few years has skyrocketed. Partially because of children, partially because I’ve finally gotten my medication sorted out, but mostly because of BDSM and finding my submissive sexuality. Hearing ‘Sir’ on TV gets me completely gooey, even if it’s just the news or some cooking show (okay, full disclosure, I watch cooking shows for fun). And constantly having this sexual charge hasn’t really been a problem. I like being able to be turned on by almost anything; and Sir likes that he can use me at his whim without needing to warm me up or use lube (because sometimes my purse isn’t big enough to always have it on hand). I’ve even gotten used to being horny in front of my parents, it’s not pleasant, but I’m not bothered by it anymore. In fact, I am more bothered when I’m not horny.
Which is now creating a new problem. Sir is struggling. It’s not his fault. There has been one stress after another. In fact, as I type this a man is in our living room cutting a whole in our ceiling because the master shower has leaked and destroyed the subfloor. It’s always something. And his job isn’t exactly a walk in the park. The first thing to go when he gets stressed is his sex drive. He is tired when he gets home, the idea of a scene or even vanilla sex seems like too much work. A good cuddle is nice, but it isn’t the same. And it is hard to ask for orgasms or attention as I know he has other things on his mind. So we just go to sleep.
So the absence of one leads to another. Because we aren’t having much sex or control of any kind I find my sex drive cooling. I’ve gotten comfortable being horny all the time, and how that it is fading I am unsure what to do. Part of me wants that 24-hour desire back, and part of me feels better being closer to his drive level. If he is going to want sex less, then maybe I should too. If I was horny less, then he wouldn’t feel pressured to always preform. And I do need to accept the reality that control isn’t a priority for him right now. I’m just worried that absence will just lead to more absence. If I stop enjoying being horny and frustrated all the time, will I just stop being horny? Will it just become commonplace like it was before my sex drive spiked? I don’t want to lose this new sexual me, but I also don’t enjoy being depressed because I’m so sexually frustrated. If control and dominance is not going to be part of my everyday life, then how do I balance that? The absence of control and how to keep going is my new task. Like finding a way to catch up on all that missed work or remembering that coworker’s name as soon as they walk away.