Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Begging for Control

Control is an odd thing for me as far as a kink. I cannot really explain it without sounding really selfish, but I’m coming to grips with the fact that that is okay sometimes.

I love rules and structure. I hate surprises. So knowing exactly what he expects of me is a kind of gooey comfort that I can’t adequately explain.

But the biggest thing about control that drives my kink, is the attention. It seems backward, I know. I guess I should be saying that control is my favorite kink because it’s an opportunity to serve Sir and be what he wants me to be (blah blah blah). The reality is, it’s a totally selfish thing. If he is in control with rules and restrictions, then he has to be paying attention to me. He has to check in with me and he has to be aware of what I’m doing. Sometimes I feel like Sir can go adrift in the evenings and not have any idea what I’m doing or what I managed to accomplish during the day. And I’m not looking for validation or ego-stroking with everything I do, a simple understanding of my daily tasks would be huge. If he was setting them and monitoring them, I think that would not only help my motivation, but also my mood.

A lot of self-reflection as I’ve dabbled with submission in all areas of my life has shown me that I want and benefit from control. Being held accountable for my diet, exercise, and work is necessary to see good results. One of the only places that I have noticed that I can motivate and control myself is with my own business. I want to work on that. I want to make it amazing. I know that makes it sound like I don’t care about other stuff, I do. I care if the house is clean and how much exercise I get, but admittedly, it’s not the same kind of gratification I get when something that I created does well. It’s just easier to motivate myself to do something I really love to do.

Control during sex is pretty obvious for me. Holding my hair while I suck cock. Smacking or punch my ass while taking me from behind. Nothing makes me gooey faster than ordering me to kneel, even in the middle of the day. But control in other aspects of my life have quickly taken on more significance. I’m still working to make it less about attention and more about Sir’s benefit. And I’m always curious to see how people use control in their ‘vanilla’ lives. Even if Sir and I cannot have a 24/7 D/s relationship right now, I love trying different control aspects outside the bedroom to see how they fit for us. Hopefully it will help us add things slowly when we do eventually have the time. Until then I will kneel happily at every ‘good girl’ I receive.


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