It’s been awhile since my depression has hit me up side the head, so I shouldn’t really be surprised by the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning I woke up in a weird mood and never really recovered. The kids weren’t any more stressful than normal, my dad even came over to help me install a ceiling fan in the office and watched the kids for me while I mowed the lawn and ran to the store. But my head was already in a bad place, so there was just no getting passed it.
I’ve started a new diet with support from a friend. It’s been going well. I mean, I guess it’s going well. We don’t have a scale in the house, so I don’t know if I’ve lost any weight. I feel pretty good though, and I’ve been doing well with not overeating and eating breakfast every day. Exercise is still fleeting, but that’s mostly because the boys are still home with me. Their summer program starts next week. Right now I’m just worried I’m going to be putting too much pressure on myself to get everything done in the seven hours they are out of the house. Exercise, work, and not forgetting to eat lunch will be a challenge. I’m almost positive that won’t end well.
But I guess I’ve just been feeling really needy lately. People ask me questions on Twitter, Fetlife, or Kik and don’t really care about my answer. Or I try to engage, only to receive one word answers. It’s difficult when your only adult socialization is over social media. Aside from humor and scary Trump quotes I don’t get a lot of interaction during the day. I don’t know why that’s anyone else’s problem or fault though. Other people have lives, jobs, and responsibilities too.
Guess this is just my randomly scheduled bout of hopelessness. I’m starting to apply for jobs now that we are settled. Right now I still have my database position and my business, but once Sir and I are both on our own payrolls we are going to need insurance. So if I could get a part or full-time job to get everyone covered, then I could still have my business on the side and he could set up his law firm with a lot less stress. Stress, however, is sort of a watch word when it comes to looking for employment, at least for me. I don’t know how willing I should be to apply for a job that I know I wouldn’t really enjoy or make very much money, or if I should only apply for jobs that I really want. Of course, the problem with that being that if/when (at this point only when) I don’t get the job, I get really bummed out. And nothing makes you feel worse about yourself than not even getting a call for a job that you know you could do and do well.
I’ve also been talking to a few people in the local kink community about starting a relationship. Mostly Doms that would understand that I am Sir’s, but would be loaned out for play a few times a month. And talking is all well and good. But I don’t know if this is even something I want. I don’t know that I want another Dom. Having sex with someone (or multiple people) other than Sir is one thing, but they would either be friends or complete strangers. They wouldn’t necessarily be ‘doming’ me. Either Sir would be there, telling me what to do, or I would get rules before I left. I just don’t think I could handle two Doms. The idea sounds good in my head. He could possibly provide the control and fill sexual gaps when Sir is stressed or busy. It would be a chance to try new kinks like wax play. A chance to process and release my submissive cravings so I can be happier and more relaxed around Sir and the kids.
Or it could be a massive clusterfuck. And considering my track record hasn’t been that great lately, I’m not sure I want to chance it. Screwing up something like that could mess with Sir and my marriage. Some things just aren’t on the table to be trifled with. Sir is supportive, but I can tell he’s struggling with the general idea, the closer I get to specifics the worse I can see it wear on him. Hurting him isn’t worth anything. He’s been so supportive of my possible threesome trip this fall, I don’t want to push too much as it pertains to his trust.
Today is about trusting that my meds are doing what they need to and worrying about getting through the day. I can worry about big things like play partners and career crap over the weekend. We may be kid free for the first time in this house as my mother-in-law is looking for some good grandma time. Maybe Sir can watch the kids so I can go for a run. I always think best when I exercise.