Stress, lack of sleep, and your own stupidity can lead to not so smart decisions. I will be the first to admit that I have done things without considering how wrong it can really go. And testing that theory seems to be my new M.O.
So as part of not thinking things through and trying to work out the easy solution, I stopped taking my medicine. The medicine is for depression, I’m not on any anti-psychotics or something really serious. But that may be part of my problem. Maybe I don’t take them seriously enough.
Looking back, I’m not even sure how I justified it to myself to just stop cold turkey. Mostly that I didn’t think they were helping. Over the last few weeks I have had several breakdowns. I kept blaming the meds; I don’t know why. But just stopping them seemed like the right idea at the time. I made it around five days. I didn’t call my doctor, I didn’t tell Sir. Both pretty big rule breaks for me. Obviously the justification to just stop the medicine was the same as it being okay not to discuss it with Sir first.
The conversation earlier this week and subsequent sexless night just pushed everything over. I started the morning randomly crying at something pointless (laundry or spilled coffee). So finally I realized that I’m a numb-skull. That stopping my meds was not a solution. As much as I pretend to know my body, I don’t know anything about my depression balance. There is a reason that it takes professionals to give out these medications. Just stopping them can cause all sorts of other issues. And they have. When I took my medicine after a long break I felt sick. My mood was secondary to the physical bollocking my body was giving me for the cold turkey break.
Sir handled it with calm and control. I had directions for what to do to get me through the day and how to deal with side effects. He wanted to support me and understood why I did what I did; even though it was a bad plan. And people on twitter where helpful and supportive as well. It was very comforting to know that I’m not the only person who wakes up one morning and thinks it’s a brilliant idea to just stop their depression medication.
So perhaps this is just one more way that the universe it trying to tell me that I am not cut out for the medical or pharmaceutical field. Or basically health care of any kind. I guess I’ll stick to reading, writing, and watching porn…all while on my medicine, of course.
***And I’m not sure where the title of this post came from. Though my mother and I loved the show when it was on the air. And Sully could roll me around that farm anytime.***