Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Today’s Episode: How I keep fucking everything up

Rye's collar and 'good girl' collar.I want to be spoiled. I’m horribly selfish. I want gifts and kisses and surprised at work to take me out to lunch. I want pampered and tweeted about. I want someone who is proud of me and wants to show me off. I don’t necessarily go in for age play, but I want to be able to curl up in his lap and let the day’s stress go.

At the same time I also want to be forced to kneel. Beaten and fucked and covered in cum. I want to be told I’m a good girl and then covered with my aftercare blanket and told to nap. Wrapped up in rope and gagged for his afternoon footstool. Woken up for sex in the night. Told what to order at restaurants and how far to run for my workout. Clothing approved before I leave for work and sexy flirting all day with orders and tasks for the evening.

I just don’t know if I can have both, especially from the same person. And if not, do I pick one or consider opening myself up to being hurt by someone else? The idea of an open marriage sounds good in theory, but I’m terrible. I’m needy and dramatic and I often wonder why Sir puts up with me. I’m sure another person would be ready to kill me after about a week (if that). I try to present myself as calm, and I am with the kids and my job. But when it comes to relationships I’m an emotional mess.

Attempt #1: Sir

So maybe I just can’t have everything. Maybe my desires are too unrealistic and need to be tempered. Maybe it’s just not going to work right now, when Sir and I are both dealing with jobs and stress and life. And maybe that will never change. Where does that leave me?

I just keep fucking everything up. Sir and I have been through various stages of kink. M/s, D/s, and all manners of control in-between. I crave so much and the pressure that puts on him is too much. The ‘break’ we took from kink last winter was horrible. We keep trying to make things work, but kink is so few and far between for us. Each of us dealing with our depression issues and work and family always have kink on the back-burner. It’s never a priority, and for the foreseeable future it won’t be for him.

 

Attempt #2: Being Loaned

So I started talking to other Doms. Sir was supportive. I found someone on Fetlife that seemed interested in all the control and kink that I was. He didn’t seem grossed out by my body and was willing to work within Sir’s perimeters. And I let my eagerness get ahead of myself and ruined it. We didn’t demand the ‘meet first’ policy and I didn’t explain my needs. Which left me with an unsatisfying experience that is no one’s fault but my own. Sir was still supportive and helped me to ensure that the same mistakes wouldn’t happen again. I’m not all about casual sex in that way. I need more of a foundation of trust.

 

Attempt #3: Expanding a Friendship

With that in mind a very dear friend and I started talking about changing the nature of our relationship. I would be his pet and he would take control over my weight-loss and diet. It was wonderful. Control like that is something that Sir was never interested in, so he was more than happy to encourage this growth. And there has always been (for me anyway) a sexual tension between us. The idea that we could start with control over diet and see if expanded into more was really exciting.

But, as usual, I pushed too hard and expected too much. He showed the slightest interest in something more and I let him know how much I wanted it too. But things started moving too fast and he’s still trying to make everything work while being honest with his wife. So as I got more invested, he became more uncomfortable. And when the reality of talking to his wife about expanding our relationship came up, the dam broke.

So now I am no longer his pet. We will always be friends, but it still felt like a break up. I cried. A lot. It sucked. He called me by my real name. Not Pet, not Rye, but my vanilla name. He’s the only person in the kink world who knows it. I don’t think he did it to be mean, but it crushed me. Everything kink was just sucked out of our relationship. He’ll always be a good friend, this won’t change that. It just hurt that we lost that chance at something more.

What now?

This ‘break up’ didn’t cause all of this, obviously. It’s just one more way that I’m failing to make kink work. And I don’t see how I can blame any of these men for this. I’m doing something wrong. My expectations are too high. I keep comparing myself to other subs and other dynamics. I’m just trying to find something that works, but even when I do I stupidly want more. The control isn’t enough, the sex isn’t enough, the aftercare isn’t enough.

All I want is to make them happy, but they aren’t. I’m missing some piece that keeps the relationship going and strong. Sir is stressed about the rest of life. And while he appreciates the things I do to try and make him happy, it never lasts. The Sean experience was short lived as I’m not sure I did make him happy, he never said. And my friend has his own kink journey. Bolstering my sub ego is the least of his concerns (not that that isn’t justified).

Maybe I just need to figure out realistically what kink looks like in my life. Craving control, M/s, and being spoiled is all well and good, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I’m not trying to take the agency away from these men. They all had a hand in why our respective relationships didn’t work either. But I’m at a loss. I’m supposed to keep trying when I have no control. I try and I give everything I can and it’s not enough. I have gotten to this point where I just can’t give anymore. Sir doesn’t want me to give up, but I just don’t know where to go from here.

I’m collared to kink without direction. Wandering aimlessly with my pile of expectations, looking for someone willing to take the lead.

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3 Responses to “Today’s Episode: How I keep fucking everything up”

  • Krystalla

    I can totally understand those needs, as I have pretty much the same ones myself. It’s a challenge trying to balance your family life, your sub/slave life, and the kinky needs that all bubble up inside. Even with the missteps you’ve had, it sounds like the communication between you and your Sir will help you find the peace you need. It might just take a while. Good luck! 😊

  • Tamar

    You know, it sounds like you may have a wicked case of “Sub Frenzy” going on. Best advice I’ve found for dealing with it to first off, Slow Down, because you make shit decisions in the throes of Sub Frenzy, and then get out, get active in a local group and make friends, get to know people, watch and observe who is good to play with and who isn’t. Get the poop on Service Tops that are fun to play with and decent people who understand the basic concepts of safety and consent, and rule out the ones who just want to get their dick wet (since it does sound like meaningless sex isn’t really what you’re going for). The maybe, after you and your partner (cuz it’d be best for him to be a part of this process as well and have a say in all of it) could find a decent Service Top to give you a little play from time to time to “take the edge off”. Personally, I’d advise to leave sex off the table with that, at least at first, that way you’ll really see who’s doing it because they love doing it, and who’s doing it just to get their rocks off. Plus it seems to be much less pressure and a much easier thing to deal with (at least with me and !), if it’s play only and not play plus sex. Even then, I’d definitely spend time talking to prospective tops first, vetting them thoroughly, getting references, and observing them ‘in action’ a few times before just jumping in. That way, you can see if you like their style, and if there’s any chemistry, and if you just think you’ll have fun playing with them. All that stuff has to be assessed in person, so that’s a good reason to get out to munches, to local play parties (even if you just observe for a while, in fact I’d advise observing at the first few- I spend a year just observing and getting to know people- took me that long to really learn what I liked, was interested in, and wanted to try myself, everyone will hit that point at their own pace.)

    • Rye

      That is very good advice. I really need patience. It’s hard when everything sounds so fun and interesting. Learning the hard way that skipping steps isn’t going to work. Thanks for your support.

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