Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

I’m Kinky, She’s Dull

Over the past three and half years I have worked to join a community that in the most part, I have to hide from. My husband’s job (and now my own as well) don’t afford us the luxury of being out in our local community as being into BDSM or even remotely kinky. It has been stressful when someone pulls a piece of information from the blog and makes a connection with where I live or what I do. Even though Sir has gotten a bit more comfortable with photos, I still have to be very careful about my face or any identifying information in anything we post. Names and locations have to be changed. Sometimes details are completely omitted or altered, which I think can change the readers’ enjoyment.

And the security continues. I have separate emails and pages for things connected to the blog. Right now I have a laptop to keep my kinky pictures off the family computer. Password protected so my parents or the kids can’t get on it to do anything without me knowing. My uniforms and slave clothes are kept the toy drawer. So when the kids play hide and go seek and they hide in my closet they won’t see them. My leash is locked away so it isn’t accidentally used if my mother-in-law decides to walk the dog. Porn has several password levels on Sir’s non-work computer that the kids can’t touch. It’s an endless maze of fail safes to protect our family and our community from the apparent evil that is the real us.

As an example. I have several tattoos (as those who peruse my pictures will know). My new job has a dress code that states that tattoos have to be covered up. So now I am looking at long-sleeve cardigans and possibly decorative scarves to cover my neck and arms. At least until my hair grows past my shoulders. Hiding some of the largest pieces of my personality hurts. I really want to throw myself into this job and enjoy it, but instead I have to cover myself up again. Worrying if someone can see ink through my clothes. It just feels like judgement that has nothing to do with my work ethic or quality. I know I could be damn good at this job and the calla lilies on the back of my neck don’t change that.

And that’s the catch 22. The person that I hide from everyone physically close to me is the person that I really am. The person that I hide from all you lovely people on the internet, she’s cool, but kinda dull. She gets up early and runs around all day. She does crafts and reads history books (when she has time). But, I mean secretly, she’s constantly thinking about cock and bondage. Walking around shopping for work clothes on Sunday with my mom I kept passing the lingerie section and thinking how hot I would look on my knees for Sir in one of the teddies. But I kept walking and bought sensible shoes instead. See…dull.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

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9 Responses to “I’m Kinky, She’s Dull”

  • Marie Rebelle

    Thankfully my work doesn’t demand us to cover up tattoos, and of course, because I post images showing my tattoos, I know I can be recognized. But as written in my post of today, I don’t mind anymore. I am done with hiding. If either of my worlds find out about the ‘other me’, I’m okay with it, because all of it makes up the ‘real me’. I’m sorry you have to hide your real self, but know you will excel at your job regardless!

    Rebel xox

  • sub-Bee

    I know exactly what you mean. The person people see when they see Bee is who I really am deep down, I don’t censor myself as such but I do hide my face and tattoos.

    I hate hiding and the more I consider it the more tempted I am to stop hiding away, however, I don’t know what work will be in the future so my hiding is more future proofing myself than anything else. And as you say it’s not purely about you, my partner is an incredibly shy person in ‘real life’ so I partly hide away to prevent him from being outed too.

    I hate that the world we live in requires us to conform, I can only hope one day there will be no need.

  • Delilah Night

    I got an eyebrow piercing a few weeks before I was hired to work in the front office of a hotel in college. I had to take it out. I always wanted to dye my hair crazy colors, but couldn’t because of work rules. I got so used to abiding by those rules that I had been a stay at home parent for seven years and had to survive a serious infection that landed me in the ICU last year before I realized I was no longer bound by those rules. My brightly dyed hair is my way of giving the finger to corporate world I spent my adult life in prior to becoming a full-time writer and mother. I’m talking to an artist about a tattoo.

    That said, as my daughters get older, I need to find a new place for my sex toys and bdsm equipment.

    Take comfort–you’re not the only one thinking about sex and bdsm at school drop-off or in the grocery store.

  • Tamar

    You’re a real person- with a real life. There’s nothing dull about that! I’m at the point where I find blogs that focus on what I like to call “wank fantasy stuff” somewhat tedious. I’d rather see a real person, with a real life, with all it’s up’s and down’s, personally. I find that much more fascinating and easier to connect with than the blogs that are nothing but fiction. If I wanted to read fiction, I’d read a book. If I read a blog, I want to know about the person writing it, and find some way to connect with and care about them. But that’s just me.

    • Rye

      I’m glad you read my blog about real life. It’s not always easy to write as I feel pretty boring most of time.

  • Modesty Abaze

    I do know . . . like all of us here at Wicked Wednesday I’m sure . . . how important it is to keep our “separate” lives just that “separate”. But you know, I ACTUALLY sometimes ENJOY sitting at my desk in my office, constantly inter-acting with all of my colleagues, directors, clients etc. etc. and thinking to myself “if ONLY you knew the fun times I indulge in, the experiences and people/lovers I meet/play with. If ONLY you knew!!!” . . .
    Don’t you sometimes have those same feelings???
    Xxx – K

    • Her Subject

      I do have these feelings…

      I have always had the tendency trying to be different. Just a little. Most people want to express themselves; I get a big kick out of hiding. Two sets, or more of personalities and friends. And the different sets of people don’t interact with each other. As if I live in different worlds. It really excites me that few ever see all sides of me. The corporate side, BDSM side, netizen side, normal loving father/husband side, death heavy metal side, symphony classical music opera side; I thrives on keeping all sides separate and from knowing each other.

      Even in BDSM culture there are subgroups and they are not approval of each other. There are conversations I’ll speak to one but not the other. People are just into different things.

      I used to hate to conform, but now I’m loving it. I blend in comfortably in corporate suits as well as in a heavy metal clubs. The ability comes with age I guess. I just care less of expressing myself. Almost a fetish at times the way I enjoy it. Can conforming be a fetish?

  • Constance Reid

    I don’t know . . . Sometimes I think part of the appeal is in the secret life. This thing I do that is just for me.

    Then I realize that it sometimes feels exhausting to not just be open about who I really am.

    • Rye

      I feel the exact same way. At the beginning it was a fun little secret. But now it has just become part of my life that I can’t share with anyone. I know my mom would love to know that I’m writing, but I can’t tell her about this blog, or any of the fiction stories I’m currently working on. Sometimes that’s just hard.

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