I am a conflicted mess. And I hate the feeling of being pulled in so many directions.
I don’t really see myself as poly-amorous. The idea of other play partners has started to make me wonder about that. Sir was talking the other night about how he thinks it would be wonderful to find another woman who wants to live with us. Help pay bills and raise the kids. Lots and lots of sex. He seemed to have genuinely thought it through. When he said it my immediate reaction was negative. I want my space. Then I thought, ‘why does it have to be a woman’? So that’s been floating around in my head since he mentioned it last month.
Then there is my exercise guru. We are friends. We have been talking and supporting our respective journeys for the last year and half. We are very close. And I’ll admit that I’ve been a little taken aback at how quickly my feelings for him have grown. I’m sure the age gap and the distance should be an issue, but that kind of thing doesn’t really bother me. I think it may bother him though. I just don’t want to create any hiccups in his relationship with his wife.
And he and I have discussed various relationship dynamics. All of which need to be approved and openly discussed with our spouses. We’ll see what happens.
I just don’t know how to process these feelings. I haven’t loved anyone but Sir in ten years. Now I find myself caring deeply about someone who isn’t my spouse. Not that I care about Sir less. And that’s what’s freaking me out. It’s ‘in addition to’ not ‘instead of’. But there is an odd combination of guilt and joy as I try to figure it out. And, of course, the concern that I’m going to get hurt, or unknowingly hurt someone else.
And where do I go from here. Caring that much about another person. Sure there is a sexual aspect to it, but that’s not a road we can go down right now (if ever). But the emotional piece has gotten too large to ignore. Which just puts me in a crappy place. It’s no one’s fault. Now my chances of being hurt are enormous as we try to figure this out. And I’m feeling like I want to run toward something and away at the same time.
Sir has started calling him my boyfriend. And I don’t know why, but it bothers me. Maybe I’m not ready to admit to myself or others how much he means to me. Or maybe I’m just trying to safeguard myself in case our friendship can never be anything more. I’m certainly not ready to share what might be there with my family other than Sir. I need him to just be mine, in whatever capacity right now.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this emotionally confused before.