Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Is it just me?

Does anyone, or everyone, else also have a constant fear of what other people think about them? And I’m not even being specific to kink, just what other people think about you generally. When someone sneers at your skirt do you question your clothing choice? By contrast, does a compliment stay with you?

I am not sure if it was the way I was raised or when. My mother always made a big deal about how I ‘presented’ myself as that also, somehow, reflected on her as a parent. Clothes were considered, as well as actions, for how our small community might judge her. I don’t want to make generalities about it like it’s a generational thing. I am just always worried about Sir, my boss, even a random person on the street thinks about me. The way I dress, the things I say, my entire belief structure. Their opinions and judgments weight on me and my personal view of myself.

I guess if it were just something in the back of my mind that I used for motivation it would be one thing. But, because I am me, I let them eat at me. My boss’s flippant response plays on repeat in my head until I am certain she hates me. And the answer may not have even been meant in a negative or dismissive way, that’s just how my brain took it. Comments or expressions made are taken in their most negative interpretation. Probably because of my own poor self-esteem more than the person’s actual view.

Similarly, a definitive poor opinion of me lingers far longer than it should. My father-in-law’s second wife has decided that Sir and I are evil. She doesn’t understand that we just want closure with his dad’s estate so we can move on from his passing. She’s decided we are,…well, I don’t know exactly, but it’s not good. And I was upset after her passive-aggressive text comments. But for the life of me, I cannot understand why. This woman is so self-righteous and judgmental that Sir and I could hardly make it through a meal with her. What do I care if she thinks we are the spawn of Satan?

I was talking to the twitter boyfriend and he was explaining that his wife refers to all his kinky twitter contacts as his, ‘weird ass friends’. I don’t know this woman. I’ve never met her and she lives on the opposite side of the world. Hell, the comment wasn’t even about me specifically. But I was hurt by the idea that this woman didn’t like me.

Why do I care? What does it matter if people don’t always like me? I’m not running for office. Most of the time these people have very little, if anything, to do with my daily life. So why do I let them affect it in such a direct way? And why can’t I let a positive comment sway my mood as easily and for the same amount of time?

It would be easy to say that I should just care about what Sir thinks and everyone else can just go to hell. I’m not even going to argue to that statement’s accuracy. It’s just that even if that’s what I should do, that doesn’t mean that my brain will follow directions. Just curious to see if anyone else fights with their head in a similar manner. I’m just frustrated with myself today.

4 Responses to “Is it just me?”

  • Mr SAM

    No, it isn’t just you. I know exactly how you feel, I’m learning to change my way of thinking, but it is hard to do when I have thought that way for many years.

    Unfortunately, it seems to be human nature to dwell on the negative things people say, even the negative things I think people say about me.

  • Dawn

    I’ve written a few posts about this 😀
    Not so much about others comments, that doesn’t bother me much, but about the negativity I feel towards myself. I don’t know why the negative is harder to fight. Some days it’s a constant battle with that nasty little voice. I’ve started just telling it to shut up. Arguing with it is like arguing with a toddler, I’m never going to win. So far it seems to work most of the time 🙂

  • DtBHC

    There’s a ,or in Dawn’s response – here is a resource you might like to read – http://tinybuddha.com/blog/7-things-your-inner-child-needs-to-hear-you-say/

  • Kentdenied

    I know what you mean…..even us men suffer from it. Best way I found to get over the feeling was to separate “my” problem from “their” problem. If others look critically, it is definitely “their” problem, not yours and if they can’t accept you as you are, they are not worth knowing in any case!

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