Through this process of finding BDSM and discovering my submissive sexuality I have worked to let go of my issues with masturbation. I’m still not comfortable taking care of my own horniness as often as I could, but it’s a process. However, as I take steps to get more comfortable with pleasuring my own body, I am having more issues with Sir taking care of himself.
Molly wrote a great piece for This D/s Life about how being used is a large part of her submission. I found myself nodding along as I read. I understand that being his used slut is part of what really turns me on. Being pulled upstairs in the middle of the afternoon to have my skirt thrown up so he can have a quick fuck before the kids yell for more juice. It may not be everyone’s fantasy, but honestly, I usually masturbate to something similar (sometimes the kitchen counters, sometimes the laundry room). With our often hectic lifestyle, those little trysts are a joy. And just the idea of him going upstairs on his own for a wank without me hurts.
I know that sometimes he just wants to take care of himself, he likes that sensation occasionally. But as a needy slut, it’s hard for me to accept that he doesn’t want to use one of my holes. Part of it is that his sex drive isn’t the same as mine. I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just a reality. A few years ago (before we had kids) it was swapped. He couldn’t get enough and I just wanted to sleep. My sexual awakening over the last few years has changed that. But even if he says he’s fantasizing about me, I feel jealous. Not being able to take part in some way makes me feel like less of a sub. Honestly, even being forced to kneel at his feet and watch would make me feel purposeful (and it would be crazy hot).
It’s just been an odd process as I work on my sex drive and sexual ticks to find things that bother me. I used to be so sexually repressed, that I often see myself as open to anything. And I am by comparison. But the strangest things trip me up along this journey and I guess this is one of them. With that said, I’m sure I will get past it and move on to some other hang up. Maybe then it will be the type of porn he looks at, or some issue with my own masturbation. Maybe one day I’ll even aspire to be issue free. But then the world would explode, so we’ll keep our goals realistic instead.