We’ve been trying a D/s dynamic again for hardly four days and I am already mind-fucking myself. Don’t get me wrong, when he does it, it’s hot. But when I do it to myself, it just sucks.
We had an amazing Saturday. An great start to the day with shower together and some afternoon play while the kid’s napped. It was so rejuvenating after an emotional week.
Then Sunday started slow. He had work to do, so he was upstairs for awhile. I had a cleaning list, which I interspersed with my trashy novel and my coffee. We were both productive and the day went fast. But late in the afternoon I found myself getting down. I was a little sad that we hadn’t had any time to play. I think I was just craving an orgasm after a mini withdrawal. I was feeling a little ignored.
After our break, I thought getting back into any form of power exchange would be easy. But last time we were attempting 24/7, this time we are basically just in the bedroom. So I know I shouldn’t be expecting anything throughout the day, but you know me and my stupidity when it comes to expectations. I hate that I am already looking for more control. We haven’t even been going a week. I think this is just one of those things that I need to talk to him about so it doesn’t become an issue again. I cannot self-sabotage.
A lot of reflection and learning from the past. Starting February back in my kinky comfort zone. Just trying to keep perspective and a positive attitude. So I need to give it a chance to evolve and actually let him lead. I never realized how needy I was. Give me an inch and I want a mile.
This is from back in the winter of this year. I didn’t edit it or anything. It’s just crazy to think about how much my perspective has changed and yet stayed the same. I still want control, and I’m still needy. But Sir and I have come along way from this. We are talking more and trying to stay realistic with how often we can play. Especially now with me working, a good fuck in the laundry room is amazing.
With a little luck things will keep clicking into place. Maybe we’ll even find a kinky, foodie, board game playing, video game loving friend with benefits who lives close. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming.