Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Weight of Kink

Sometimes it feels to me like kink is a burden. It is rarely sated; always craving more. Spans of time without it make me cranky and sad. The weight of it sometimes makes me wish I was vanilla. To be happy with occasional missionary position sex and a chest of drawers filled with linens rather than impact toys. Maybe being vanilla would be easier than what me and family has to go through.

I feel the weight of my kink on others too. Sir feels like he has to be more and better all the time. I love him just as he is; I don’t want him to change for me. But kink demands satisfaction. I ignore as much as possible, but eventually I get down. That shouldn’t be his responsibility to fix. If I could just be happy with what he wants then our relationship would be smoother on every level.

Also, in a weird way, my parents and vanilla friends are affected. They can tell that I’m different, but they don’t know why. They ask if I’m writing and I fake an answer. I want to be able to say, ‘yes, everyday, and I have a blog’. But that’s not really an option. I can’t tell them that I’m riding high after a great scene or that I’m bummed after disappointing Sir. My mood swings have increased since we stopped 24/7. And while I have been able to blame the move and job search in the past, I am running out of viable excuses. When they notice and I can’t tell them the truth I feel awful.

I can’t get out from under the weight of it sometimes. Often, I don’t want to. I love BDSM and what it has given me. I love each of my current kinks and all the things I have yet to try. But when I see it negatively impacting other people, it hurts. I don’t want my lifestyle to hurt or make things harder for anyone. And when it does I wonder if my happiness is worth it.

Walking away isn’t that easy though. It’s more of a Pandora’s box kind of deal. You don’t just get to shove those thoughts and feelings away and pretend it never happened. At least that’s not an option that I have. You may be able to push them down, but you still have to carry that weight. It’s still a part of you; you are just choosing to ignore it.

I don’t think I could do it. I would just stare at that box that held all my deepest desires and wonder. What’s the point of living half a life? Even if it’s not always perfect. Even if sometimes the weight is too much and I get frustrated by it. At least I am living a full life as me. I am being as honest and open as I can be.

That is the only way the weight will lessen and I will grow. Until, eventually, the box will disappear and only the truest version of myself will remain.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

9 Responses to “The Weight of Kink”

  • Marie Rebelle

    Many of the things you have written here rings true for me too. Sometimes I think of letting go of the D/s part of our relationship, but I cannot as it’s inherent of who I am…

    We will just have to learn to be patient, I guess.

    Rebel xox

    • Rye

      Patience, that horrible virtue. 🙁

  • constantlykat

    Have you thought about seeking out a kink-friendly counselor to talk through all these feelings with? I know NCSF has a list of all sorts of kink-friendly providers in all parts of the country.

    Also, it may help to get more involved in the local kink community. That way you’ll see more people who are involved in relationships that incorporate kink and you can see more of the spectrum. Becoming a part of the community has helped me to see there are all sorts of ways people incorporate BDSM into their relationships. And it also may help you and your Sir find and vet other play partners that can compliment you bith but won’t provide stress on your marriage.

  • Nice Anon

    I have felt exactly the same as yourself re the vanilla versus BDSM M/s – I have even prayed to “just” be nilla, body and mind, sad eh? I always thought it would be easier, kinder on my heart and mind, not to be so wanting and in truth at times desperate. I have felt incredibly hollow as if a major part of me has been/had to be denied. It became unbearable. I wanted someone I could truly submit too, whole heartedly, tick all the boxes and finally be completely stated, but it was just not meant to be at that time. In a way, I started fantasising about the impossible and unachievable. I denied it, turned my back on it and ignored it, didn`t work, it just made me even more miserable. Which was completely daft, I was not where near a newbie, I had two long term M/s relationships behind me, the last one was 10 years in duration. I am now Owned, over 2 years, by a couple (what can I say, I got greedy) Yet sometimes these feelings still rear their little heads, M/s seems to very addictive, the high it gives you, that feeling of total surrender, omg, bottle it up. patent that bugger and sell it on Ebay/Amazon. It would be a lot easier!

    Life catches up with all of us, that`s just a fact, yet it does not stop my brain even now, wanting “more” 10 more, 20 more with a cane, 5 mins more, 10 mins kneeling, serving. Why? Feck knows. I`m just wired that way.

    I would like to say I am older/wiser – I am the first one for sure. I have learnt a level of acceptance, but sometimes I still think why should I not have my cake and eat it lol.

    I have learnt not to look into others lives, you read/read blogs/talk, where people seem to be “doing it” 24/7, no problems, hell it does not even seem to rain over their homes, now I never compare.

    I do know my Owners cannot offer me every single desire I have, nor could my ex, usually due to the necessary skill or emotion (I am dark in most of my “needs”) so do I forget them? let them go? get another Owner (no way)

    IT`S not easy, at all and in truth, I don`t think it has got easier over my many years (20+)

    But like you I LOVE and ADORE what we do, it completes me, like nothing else, I breath easier, I smile more, I feel all warm and fuzzy and walk around with a glow to my cheeks (all 4 of them lol)

    My advice, don`t sweat it, don`t torture yourself or beat yourself up over this my lovely, take it in your stride, tomorrows another day

    • Rye

      You’re lovely. Thanks. It’s not always a good day, but when it’s right, it’s so right. I’ll keep plugging away and hope that I get the years of lovely experience that you have 🙂

  • Tamar

    I’ve found that “navel gazing” never ends well for me. Like, for example: this summer has sucked thus far. Four weeks alone with Q, no kiddo, when we could be getting our freak on every night, sexing and D/s’ing it up and stuff and we’ve managed to fit it in, like- once. LOL Earlier on I would have agonized and stressed about it, gotten frustrated and taken it out on him, or moped and felt inadequate and unsexy, all while bemoaning my unfulfilled state and the unfairness of it all. Lawls, am I glad I grew out of all that shit. I was making myself and Q miserable and wasting quite a lot of time wingeing and moaning when I could have been doing something else fun and fulfilling or relaxing and otherwise enjoying my life and Q. These days, I’m quite sure of my own sexiness and desirability, quite secure in my relationship with Q and in the knowledge that just because we can’t manage to do the D/s and the Kinky Fuckery as much as or exactly when we’d like to- we’ll be able to pick it back up just fine when we’re both able and not to worry or fuss over it. I’m aware now that life happens, family, work, illness, or just flat out exhaustion get in the way sometimes, and the last thing I wanna do is focus on negative feelings and wallow in them and let them consume me. Life is really too damned short, and if I gotta go for a few weeks without sex or D/s- I’m not gonna die and my relationship is worth being patient and content in what is going good and being grateful for all the good things in my relationship and life right now. I don’t wanna fuck ’em up like I did before when I spent way too much time gazing at my own navel and missing out on too much good stuff.

  • sub-Bee

    Life would be simpler without kink but it would be such a big gap in my life I just couldn’t live without it again, especially after it took too many years to work out what was missing in the first place.

  • Mariasibylla

    I hope you will be able to find a balance that works for you 🙁

  • Lurvspanking

    That’s why I write. My life has been vanilla for years now..

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