Sometimes I think I crave control so someone else will be responsible for punishing me. I beat myself up. A lot, according to Sir. So the idea that that would be someone else’s job sounds appealing.
The fantasy versus reality of that is what is difficult. Because I hold myself to such a high standard I am often hard on myself. Guilt and self-depreciation are common when I make a mistake. Sir blames my mother for this. I struggle with that as I am almost thirty-one and should have gotten over it by now. I can hardly blame her for everything forever.
However, because I am usually hard on myself, I expect Sir to be also. And those expectations cause problems. When he ‘let’s me off the hook’, or doesn’t come down on me for a mistake I get confused. My head gets mixed signals saying that he doesn’t care enough to punish me or I somehow got away with something I shouldn’t have. Then guilt starts that I shouldn’t question his decisions. I start to wonder if he really wants this responsibility. Am I asking too much? Does asking at all make me less submissive in some way?
The more I reflect on control in general I find myself getting confused. On the one hand, I think I need a very firm hand. Someone to hold me to a high standard and punish/correct the smallest mistake. On the other hand, I always try my best. So a harsh dynamic may just beat me down. Basically taking my self-deprecation and handing it to someone else. Which probably isn’t healthy and definitely would not be fun.
Maybe I need to consider becoming more specific with my desires. In general and with Sir. Maybe Sir and I could work on more strict control during scenes? Harsher punishments and more difficult tasks to complete. Then, in our vanilla lives, less control as part of the dynamic. At least for now. Sir doesn’t know if 24/7 is ever going to be back on the table anyway. So focusing on control in that sense is just a recipe for disaster.
I think I’ve just been so focused on everything else lately that control and my many desires around it have been put on hold. It’s always the first thing to go as stuff often just needs to get done. Pulling up my vanilla big-girl panties and sorting it out just happens. And then Sir being upset at the aftermath of beating myself up usually can’t be helped. Then I just feel worse. Spiraling into a bad mood that I’ve put myself in.
Maybe I just want someone else to blame.