Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Bad Math

Sir’s low sex drive + My horny, submissive personality = Me feeling very inadequate.

We haven’t had sex in….I actually can’t remember the last time we had sex. I’ve had a few Doxy orgasms with and without his help over the last few days, but that’s been it. And that last night I remember giving him oral he had to look at Tumblr the whole time.

Sir’s dependency on visual stimulation to keep his erection = Me having serious self-esteem problems.

I just feel like I should something. Don’t get me wrong. I get that I’m not some big sexual prize. My tits are pretty great, and I have some skills sucking cock, but that’ about it. I’m not sure why, but I guess part of me thought that BDSM was going to be my sexy ticket for life awhile. I could play out my fantasies and maintain my high sex drive. And he could try out all of the porn he liked and see how sadistic he could be. Now obviously that was a pipe dream, but that doesn’t mean I should let things continue like this without doing something.

My insatiable sex drive + His guilt over not craving sex as much as me = Me wanting to want sex less and resenting myself when I don’t.

Any one who has ever tried this knows how hard it is. I don’t want to crave sex. And when I do, not only do I get upset about it, but the longer I go without the grumpier I get. It’s a vicious cycle. The biggest thing is that I don’t want to be upset with him. It’s not his fault and he feels bad enough about it. However, my attempts to be understanding have only left me to direct all my frustration and confusion back on myself.

My sexually frustrated, low self-esteem state = Crappy writing from me + A probably unwise level of expectation for my upcoming trip to California.

My writing on here lately has just gotten whiny. I don’t judge any of you that I have given up on the sexy scenes I used to post. It’s hard to write without inspiration and writing my fantasies when I’m not sure they will ever happen just makes me depressed. I even took a few days off last week in the hopes that I could come up with something that wouldn’t offend you all. The best I could come up with was how much I am focusing and getting nervous about this vacation. And now I’m starting to worry that me talking it about it is upsetting Sir, which probably is doing his sex drive even more damage.

Today’s Moral = I really hope you’re not reading this as any sort of advice column.

I am just a mess of a submissive trying to make any portion of this dynamic work. I keep hoping from a fake disaster to a real one and back again. Normally I wouldn’t classify myself as any sort of drama queen, but BDSM has shone new lights on all parts of my personality, so who knows. In any case, I hope that we can figure something out to reach a happy medium for us. A sex drive balance or a pathway to other partners that includes him as well.

I’m just tired of all this bad math.

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One Response to “Bad Math”

  • Tamar

    Girlie- I’m going through some of the same shit. Q’s libido’s been on the ropes due to his meds, and mine’s been roaring like a beast, so I totally GET the sexual frustration part of it. But I try not to get frustrated with him, cuz that’s not fair to him and I love and adore him and want to build him up, not tear him down. And I try not to ever let it make me feel bad about myself. When I need assurance that Q still thinks I’m a sex bomb, I ask him and he gladly tells me and I believe him because I trust him. And being a guy, Q loves to look at porn to get revved up (honestly, I think most guys do!) and I don’t take that as a slight, in fact, I like looking at porn with him, cuz it gets me revved up too! Being patient and waiting for our libidos to synch up sux, it flat out does, and sometimes I feel like we just ought to push through and make “sex dates”, and just do whatever we can and if one of us is having trouble getting into it, well- there’s other ways to get people off, and we take full advantage of that, and it might not be quite as ultimately satisfying as full on cock-in-puss-orgasming-at-the-same-time Nirvanna, but it’s still damned good and fun and we get to be close and make each other feel good. But one thing I try really hard never to do is let it affect my self-esteem or my own sense of being a sexy fucking bitch. Q’s drugs do not make me any less of a sexy fucking bitch, and I try to keep this in mind any time I hear that poisonous little voice all us girls seem to have in the back of our heads going, “well, maybe if you lost some weight, or maybe if you dressed prettier, or maybe if you fixed your hair different, or wore more makeup, or…any number of other things we tell ourselves to make us feel less adequate and beat ourselves up with”, and I trample that toxic little voice and shut it the hell up and go on with my bad self.

    And as for that threesome…well…it could be good, it could be bad, it could be meh. Try to prepare yourself for all three. Make sure you have a safe call system set up, make sure you use protection, make sure you have someone there who will check on you and come get you if anything goes bad, and if any red flags go off, trust your instincts and get the hell out of there. Be smart and be safe, dear and for god’s sake, make sure your partner and theirs are all 100% ok with all of it to avoid any emotional fallout/repercussions. Or, be prepared for it to be like your other dom experiment- lots of build up, for kind of a ‘meh’ experience and possible disappointment when the fantasy doesn’t live up to the reality. But then again, things could go well and you could have a great time, and hopefully make some good friends and have some saucy stories to share with your partner (and us) when you get back. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

    And quit beating yourself up, and being down on yourself. Love yourself, love your partner, love your kidlings, and keep working together to try to find a balance that works well for all of you. And honestly, as one of your readers- I’ll take honest, emotional posts about real life over sexual fantasy posts any day. But that’s just me. I’m weird like that. LOL

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