Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Extended Mid-Week Low

I’ve been struggling. I would love to blame it on a mid-week low, but it’s really been about a week and a half.

I pretend to have my life together. I’ve actually pretty good at it. Balancing work stuff at work, and then coming home and putting out fires (not literally) until bedtime. But as good as I am at pretending, I’m rubbish in real life.

I’m exhausted when I get home after my ten hour day. So my business work hasn’t been touched. I need to sort through invoices and payments as it’s a new month, but by the time I get home it’s not a priority. Dinner and house work top the list until the kids go to bed. And I do try to actually spend time with them in the evenings. Once they crash, the idea of lots of math and moving money around seems scary. I’m too afraid that I will zone out and make a mistake.

Then, of course, I crawl into bed and lay awake for hours thinking of all the things that should have gotten done. The pile of dishes in the sink, or the bathroom that didn’t get cleaned. When I try to ignore it and think of something else it just get’s worse. Then it becomes, the sex we didn’t have. And are we even D/s anymore? I get wrapped up in labels and fears for another hour or two. Eventually I fall asleep with these thoughts turning into dreams. And then our toddler wakes me up (approx. 5:30ish) to ‘cuddle’ in bed. And by cuddle I mean kick my bladder until I just get up to go to the bathroom and hop in the shower.

But that’s all routine at this point. I’ve been in that cycle for more than a week now. Why, all of the sudden, have I been thrust into this depressive low?

My weight loss has stalled. But that could be because of the slump, not the cause of it. Our BDSM play has been on ice for awhile now. And sex has been sporadic for longer than that. We have been a bit more hands off because of the vasectomy. Maybe that’s it? I think I’m just grasping at straws. Trying to find something to blame, when it’s probably just my hormones cycling around, telling me to hate myself again.

3 Responses to “Extended Mid-Week Low”

  • DtBHC

    I sure it’s bigger than a straw, lol.

  • Tamar

    Ah, girl- damn. Been there, done that, have a collection of tshirts I’d love to show you some day! LOL It sucks, it really does- when you’re ‘down in it’ like that and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I don’t know if it helps, but what you’re going through is something a lot of women go through, in fact, almost every woman with a job, kids, partner, etc. There’s just not enough hours in the day, and not enough energy when there is. It’s really, really hard to find a “balance” for everything that we want/need. Big thing is- please don’t hate yourself, don’t be hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. It will get easier, you’re still dealing with a lot of extra stressors, the move, the renovation, going back to work, his surgery- you have a lot going on and it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, but beating yourself up just makes it harder. Be kind to yourself, you’re an amazing woman- wife, lover, sub (and that is a state of mind, not only defined by “am I doing x enough”? so if you want to be a sub, boom, you’re a sub, it’s really up to you!), mother, employee, and any number of other really important hats you are wearing. You are fucking amazing for doing it all, and doing your best at it. Love yourself, be proud of yourself, celebrate every little victory that comes your way (huzzah! i managed to get a load of laundry done. now where’s the wine? lol), and gloss over the little defeats (ok, I left dishes in the sink tonight. house will not explode. dishes will not run off screaming into the night. etc.). Be kinder to yourself, and your loved ones. Sneak in things that make you happy every chance you get. And if things get too bad- sit down with partner and try to figure out a better way of doing things, with love and consideration for each other. But don’t make it worse by beating yourself up instead of building yourself up. Own your amazingness, woman.

    • Rye

      You are always so supportive. Thank you. Your advice is wonderful. Being nice to myself is something that I need to keep working on. It’s not always easy.

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