I’ve been struggling. I would love to blame it on a mid-week low, but it’s really been about a week and a half.
I pretend to have my life together. I’ve actually pretty good at it. Balancing work stuff at work, and then coming home and putting out fires (not literally) until bedtime. But as good as I am at pretending, I’m rubbish in real life.
I’m exhausted when I get home after my ten hour day. So my business work hasn’t been touched. I need to sort through invoices and payments as it’s a new month, but by the time I get home it’s not a priority. Dinner and house work top the list until the kids go to bed. And I do try to actually spend time with them in the evenings. Once they crash, the idea of lots of math and moving money around seems scary. I’m too afraid that I will zone out and make a mistake.
Then, of course, I crawl into bed and lay awake for hours thinking of all the things that should have gotten done. The pile of dishes in the sink, or the bathroom that didn’t get cleaned. When I try to ignore it and think of something else it just get’s worse. Then it becomes, the sex we didn’t have. And are we even D/s anymore? I get wrapped up in labels and fears for another hour or two. Eventually I fall asleep with these thoughts turning into dreams. And then our toddler wakes me up (approx. 5:30ish) to ‘cuddle’ in bed. And by cuddle I mean kick my bladder until I just get up to go to the bathroom and hop in the shower.
But that’s all routine at this point. I’ve been in that cycle for more than a week now. Why, all of the sudden, have I been thrust into this depressive low?
My weight loss has stalled. But that could be because of the slump, not the cause of it. Our BDSM play has been on ice for awhile now. And sex has been sporadic for longer than that. We have been a bit more hands off because of the vasectomy. Maybe that’s it? I think I’m just grasping at straws. Trying to find something to blame, when it’s probably just my hormones cycling around, telling me to hate myself again.