Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Beautiful Image

Sometimes I think that if I wore make-up, waxed my eyebrows, and wore designer clothes I would be more successful. I hate even the possibility of that being true. My exterior looks have nothing to do with my work ethic. Just because I don’t regularly dye my hair has nothing to do with my inner-beauty. But there is a part of me that would love to feel like a put together woman and maybe that would make me more successful in general.

You know those women. The ones who pick their kids up at school completely put together. Walking across the playground in stilettos looking fabulous. The ones who balance their work life, home life, and everything else perfectly. The woman in the grocery store who looks better than you do going on a first date. Or those women who can make me feel unaccomplished and lazy just by talking about their workouts, charitable donations and craftiness in making their kids’ Halloween costume. No matter what I’ve cleaned or what project I’ve finished, I just can’t keep up with them.

The reality is that even if I did take the time and pay the money to have all those treatments and services to make myself beautiful, it wouldn’t magically transform me into one of them. Hoping that a manicure will suddenly make me more attractive and therefore more productive is just stupid. And honestly, I would just feel guilty for spending the money, so I wouldn’t even end up feeling good about myself afterward.

Sometimes I wish I would though. A wax or some hair color might be nice once in awhile. As it stands I’m not sure I’ve had a haircut since early in the spring (I want to say March). Sometimes I wish I could forgive myself for wanting something for me every once in awhile. Currently my tattoo appointments are the only things that I pamper myself with. And the guilt after one of those is quite high as they tend to run a few hundred dollars each time I go. Hopefully my appointment in December will finish my sleeve and then I will have to be done for quite a while.

To clarify, I don’t begrudge those put together women. If anything I am jealous of the way they manage their lives and obviously still find time to put themselves first for at least part of the day. My apparent self-flagellation is the out-liar here, not them. I just have no idea how to get to where they are. Moving through self-doubt and poor body-image is a slow process. And making time and using money for myself is difficult when both are scarce.

Sorry, I was really hoping I was going to come to an actual conclusion there. That my brain would realize an obvious solution or something as I wrote this mini-rant against myself. Apparently not.

2 Responses to “Beautiful Image”

  • Jack (and Jill)

    I can relate to your thoughts here. I am slow to treat myself to something, and often require cajoling from my wife before I will. I also sometimes feel guilty after having done so. I am better able to overcome these feelings now than I was, say, two or three years ago. Back then it was really bad. It was often difficult for me to justify going out to lunch. Not just because it would cost money, but because it would take time away from other things I needed to be doing. After all, if I could make a sandwich or something, I could be done eating quicker and get back to writing, or doing something around the house.

    I feel like while it must be awesome to be pampered once in awhile, a woman who drops manicure-and-Brazilian-wax money to pick their kids up from school* is probably lacking anything meaningful in her life. I don’t mean to sound (or be) judgmental, but it’s strange to me. On the other hand, part of me envies people like these; obviously they know their own worth (at least to themselves), and see no problem making the time and dropping the money. Besides, I can’t know what they’re dealing with internally that makes them require these things. So good for them, I guess.

    As someone who knows you personally, I feel like I’m able to say that while you don’t require a manicure, stilettos, or a wax in order to be attractive, I know you’re worth it. I realize that my saying that doesn’t fill your bank account with cash. But you deserve to be happy and confident, and if such treatments help with that, even temporarily, I see no reason not to spoil yourself on occasion.

    *I realize this is likely an oversimplification, and the person is probably not getting all of that done specifically so she’ll look good while making the school run. Or maybe she is.

  • Carmalee

    In my interactions with this type of person I have found that other areas of their lives tend to be a mess. Their priorities and focus are different than those of us who don’t mind leaving the house without makeup.

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