Sometimes I think that if I wore make-up, waxed my eyebrows, and wore designer clothes I would be more successful. I hate even the possibility of that being true. My exterior looks have nothing to do with my work ethic. Just because I don’t regularly dye my hair has nothing to do with my inner-beauty. But there is a part of me that would love to feel like a put together woman and maybe that would make me more successful in general.
You know those women. The ones who pick their kids up at school completely put together. Walking across the playground in stilettos looking fabulous. The ones who balance their work life, home life, and everything else perfectly. The woman in the grocery store who looks better than you do going on a first date. Or those women who can make me feel unaccomplished and lazy just by talking about their workouts, charitable donations and craftiness in making their kids’ Halloween costume. No matter what I’ve cleaned or what project I’ve finished, I just can’t keep up with them.
The reality is that even if I did take the time and pay the money to have all those treatments and services to make myself beautiful, it wouldn’t magically transform me into one of them. Hoping that a manicure will suddenly make me more attractive and therefore more productive is just stupid. And honestly, I would just feel guilty for spending the money, so I wouldn’t even end up feeling good about myself afterward.
Sometimes I wish I would though. A wax or some hair color might be nice once in awhile. As it stands I’m not sure I’ve had a haircut since early in the spring (I want to say March). Sometimes I wish I could forgive myself for wanting something for me every once in awhile. Currently my tattoo appointments are the only things that I pamper myself with. And the guilt after one of those is quite high as they tend to run a few hundred dollars each time I go. Hopefully my appointment in December will finish my sleeve and then I will have to be done for quite a while.
To clarify, I don’t begrudge those put together women. If anything I am jealous of the way they manage their lives and obviously still find time to put themselves first for at least part of the day. My apparent self-flagellation is the out-liar here, not them. I just have no idea how to get to where they are. Moving through self-doubt and poor body-image is a slow process. And making time and using money for myself is difficult when both are scarce.
Sorry, I was really hoping I was going to come to an actual conclusion there. That my brain would realize an obvious solution or something as I wrote this mini-rant against myself. Apparently not.