With Sir and I opening up our marriage and my recent trip to California (if you haven’t read my recap posts, you should, they’re hot) I’ve been emotionally confused lately. It’s just a lot to wrap my head around, apparently. Poly, open, non-monogamous keep flying through my head with everything I’ve experienced mixed in. So far it’s all positive, which is good. But there is so much societal crap to ignore and labels to understand that I’m still just starting to sift through it.
Submission, Who Knew?
The one thing that really shocked me was how much of a submissive I really am. I know that seems silly as that is what this entire blog is about, but it was. I guess I had an idea that I was only submissive because of Sir. That that was why my other ‘loan’ experience didn’t work out so well. Apparently that may not have been all me.
It was one of the first things that I talked to Sir about after I said goodbye to Jack at the train station. How almost unsteady I was being pampered and spoiled. Being told that I feel amazing and I look hot aren’t usually the words being spoken to me during sex. Without an order following it, I’m sure I looked downright confused as Jack and I played. Having that focus and attention was quite heady. A large part of my continued arousal was due to his positive response to my body and my sexuality. Sir decided that Jack would be his perfect wing man. He could play with and abuse me and then send me to Jack for aftercare. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a problem with that at all. I would just have to live closer so I could get aftercare on a more regular basis.
For those keeping score
My ‘slept-with’ count has gone from 4 to 6. And I have crossed the threshold of my hetero-flexibility by having my first sexual interaction with a woman.
It was stressful.
Not because of anything that she did, I just didn’t want to fuck it up. Especially as the night before I had watched her husband fuck her and make her cum hard, repeatedly. It’s a tough act to follow. I think I was more nervous than anything. Not about her body (which was lovely) or going down on her (which was great). I think it was just performance anxiety. Like with the blow job, you want to do your best work.
The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I shouldn’t come back because I couldn’t please her. Not that she would say that, because she’s a lovely person, but still. I didn’t want her to regret my coming. Sir had also asked for video proof of this event, which Jack was more than happy to oblige. So there is a near ten minute video and several photos that I’m sure Jack and Sir will review more than once. Hell, I’ll probably watch it a few times too. 🙂
What ‘poly’ means to me
This vacation has got me thinking a lot more about poly and what I would want from a secondary partner. And honestly, it might not be kink. The idea of having a non-BDSM partner as a secondary, or even a few non-kinky lovers sounds kind of good. It feels weird to think that. But having my boots taken off for me and my legs kissed
felt really good. Going on ostensibly what could be considered a date (in this case just a break between rounds of sex) was amazing. And getting to chat in the car in traffic, try a new restaurant or cuisine, and just talk about anything was nice.
I love doing that with Sir too, but we have a different dynamic, even when we are one a date. Our conversations are ruled, generally, by our responsibilities. We will talk movies and politics on occasion. But work, family, and the kids rule a typical evening out. I think it was just refreshing to meet and be able to talk religion and politics with someone other than Sir that has similar views. I’m more than happy to have a debate type conversation from time to time, but having someone on the same wavelength feels good too. Looking at more of a pet relationship rather than a Dom dynamic. Someone to pamper me and say how pretty I am. I would be Sir’s slut and my second’s insatiable princess. Spoiled and cared for.
And notice how I just say ‘second’ once. The idea of having multiple partners to balance and maintain seems overwhelming at best. I just don’t see myself being able to handle that kind of open relationship. I can, however, see myself falling hard for one or maybe someday even two other people. Much more a poly-amorous set up than anything casual.
Needing a label I do not want
Sir was recently trying to set up a date.* I’m really not sure how to feel about it. I’m obviously worried about him finding someone. And I’m jealous as Jack lives so far away. But it is making me think about how I classify myself. The last few days Sir and I have been talking about how we are in a ‘BDSM Poly-Open’ relationship. I
just don’t know how to label, but I don’t know if that’s simply because I don’t like labels. I want Jack to be my secondary. But I think I would take it personally if he didn’t classify me the same way.
I just don’t know what certain labels mean. Is there an expectation of gifts for the holidays? Can you have multiple secondaries? As much as I hate labels I keep searching for them. These past few days have brought out a lot of emotional pull from me. I think I just need to remember that Jack has done nothing to make me question the genuineness of what he says.
The pain of cravings
He treats me differently than Sir. Not that one is right or wrong. Each is perfect for them and both make me feel amazing. Sir is my dom and my husband. He is supportive, understanding, and always knows what I need. Sir calls Jack my ‘aftercare’. He flatters me, cuddles me, and makes me laugh. We have so much in common
that we talk about almost anything, and our mutual appreciation for sarcasm makes us quite the pair.
Neither is a replacement for the other. But that also creates problems as I crave both. I think that this confusion and odd overwhelming is normal. I’ve started reading a lot and continued conversation and support from both Sir and Jack has helped. I just want to make sure I’m there for them as well. However, I don’t want to ask for more than either can give and end up hurt. It’s a balance that I haven’t quite reached yet. But they are worth the effort. As, I hope, am I.
**Sir has since decided to hold off as far as actively looking for a play partner goes. I think once his business is up and running he will feel in a better place about it. But he supports me and my relationships outside of him.