Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The New Definition of Lonely

If I stop trying, then I can really see how much he has given up. Talk about having no power. I feel like I’m crawling behind him, begging for scraps. If I stopped crawling, would he even notice me at all. I hang on his every word, hoping for something positive. A compliment, a smile. Most of the time he won’t even look me.
I’m just throwing myself a little pity party, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t hide my sexual frustration, especially after a week or so. And his lack of desire for me is having a much greater impact on my self-esteem than he realizes. But it’s more than that. It’s that he’s using this lack of sexual desire as an excuse to stop everything. We don’t talk, we don’t play games. We interact through the kids and that’s it.
I just feel like I’m a burden to him. Some sex-crazed manic that he has to deal with when he would rather be doing anything else. I know that deep down it’s not my fault, that I didn’t do anything to make his sexual desire wane. But my heart doesn’t feel that way.
This is worse than a year ago when he decided he didn’t want to do 24/7 D/s anymore. The kids and I are some horrible burden of responsibility that he would love to abandon for something more fun. Working hard and earning a living for our family is a waste of his time. Yet I go my low-paying job every day so we can have insurance.
I think this is probably just a backlash to the week. Feeling like I have no power in the country I live in. Worried about our future as a nation and the safety of friends and family. The joy of getting to see my brother yesterday, only to be crushed by how much he has changed. His face looking at me in confusion and pain; like how did I let this happen. It was all I could do not to cry in front of him. But how could I possibly add my pain to what he has already suffered.
I want to be angry. Angry about all of it, but right now I am just sad. I will wear my safety pin until I am strong enough to take more action. And I have to get that strength from myself.
This is going to involve a serious wedgie from hiking up my big girl panties and a large amount of coffee.
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3 Responses to “The New Definition of Lonely”

  • Tamar

    Oh, honey- take a deep breath. And another. Breathe, rest, eat, drink water, do something you enjoy, do something to take care of/pamper yourself. Read a book by an author you love. Breathe more. Listen to music you love. Get some sunshine, get some fresh air, get some gentle exercise, stretch. Re-center yourself. It’s really been a truly terrible, awful, stressful week for a lot of us- and you are justifiably stressed by many factors right now. Instead of lashing out- at your partner, at yourself, and flailing around in frustration, misery, anger- try to refocus on caring for yourself, being kinder to yourself and to your partner.

    It sounds like he is having a problem that is likely stressing him out immensely himself and he needs your caring, your understanding, your patience while he deals with it (hopefully he is taking steps to deal with it- talking to a doctor, a psychologist maybe both could help). If you love him and want your relationship to improve, you have to stop blaming him, blaming yourself and lashing out from frustration. You have to work together to make things better. Talk to him from a place of love, an open heart willing to support him and encourage him, not one angry and frustrated and blaming him for something you have to work together to fix. Stop doubting yourself, your place with him. Stop letting external stresses rule your reactions.

    Anger can be an excellent catalyst for change, for breaking out of destructive habits- but it can also be toxic and damaging when misplaced, and sadness can be paralyzing. You have many stressors acting on your life right now, and it sounds like he does too. This is a time to come together and care more for each other, support each other, help each other get through this difficult time. The sex can wait. The D/s can wait. Both will be easier to come back to when the stresses ease up and/or when you start to remember how to connect with each other as partners who love and care about each other. Talk, love, touch, even if it’s non-sexual, without pressure or expectations (especially without pressure and expectations!) do nice things for each other to show that you’re there for them. Be there for each other. Because if you can’t do that- the sex and the D/s won’t matter, you won’t have much of a relationship foundation to build either of those on. And you seem to be letting your own insecurities write the narrative for your relationship without even checking in with him to see if you’re wrong (and I’d bet that you are). Breathe, honey. Talk to him with an open mind and loving heart and find ways to make each other feel better right now when things are so stressful.

    • Rye

      I should send these posts to you before I publish them. Your advice is always so lovely. I usually write these posts up when I am at my most frustrated point. My stress billows over into the most extreme language I can come up with.

      • Tamar

        *hugs* Only reason I have any decent advice at all is that I’ve been through similar, done similar and am a little older, wiser, and sadder that I made the mistakes I made. At least I learned from most of them (I hope!) and am doing better this time around. But we all have bad days, god knows I still do! I hope it gets better, I know it will sooner or later but I’m hoping for sooner.

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