Poly problem: When he lives so far away that part of you wants him to find someone else so he can be happy during the times you are apart, but the other part of you hates that idea because you are already jealous enough of his wife.
That’s a huge over-simplification. I’m just boiling it down to base emotional pulls to make it more applicable to others.
Option #1: Be honest. Tell him that it’s hard and that you miss him. Let him know that you want him to be happy and you don’t want the distance to ruin that. And that while you know he has other lovers and sometimes that can sting, you can’t hold it against him either. And remember that you think his wife is hot and lovely.
Option #2: Play the manipulative game. Be hurt and sad whenever he mentions a date or hook-up. Play the victim when he talks about any experience other than ones with you. Romantic gestures not directed at you are scoffed at and then immediately begged for.
Let’s just assume that you’ve already realized that the only viable option is #1. I’m not going to say that it’s easy. Trust me. But the other road only makes you seem whiny and aloof. I mean, poly relationships can mean different things to different people, but the root word means ‘many’, so that should be a clue.
I’m an emotional connection person. I need that to be turned on and have any kind of positive sexual experience. But some people don’t (and that’s okay). My look at polyamory and our open marriage focuses a bit more on the ‘amory’. I have several loves, keyword there being loves, not several. And that isn’t set in stone as Sir and I continue our road down an open marriage.
For many the focus is the other way around. But they don’t try to hurt anyone with their relationships. On the contrary, most of the ‘many’ focused people I talk to are honest about who they are. They don’t want to hurt anyone, they are just being themselves. Trying to change that by manipulating or making them feel guilty won’t get you very far. If anything, it just hurts you both. And who wants to open up their marriage just to be shamed by someone else.
Realistically, I’ve only been in an open marriage for a few months, and in a poly relationship with someone for a few weeks. I’m not an expert in any way. This is more a common sense approach to a problem. And these two options many not be the only two, but these are the two I have seen in my experience and conversations online. I think I just wanted to write this down 1) to make sure I wasn’t missing something huge that a reader might point out, but 2) so that I can have a slap in the head if I ever feel like that second option will get me what I want. Because it won’t, 100% of the time.
**The title of this wandering of words is not meant to imply that being poly is full of problems. There are just as many issues with closed relationships. If anything, the title was only meant to imply that I pulled this topic out of the air. Much the way that things pop in and out of my head, only this time I made you suffer through one of them.