Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Poly Problem #41

Poly problem: When he lives so far away that part of you wants him to find someone else so he can be happy during the times you are apart, but the other part of you hates that idea because you are already jealous enough of his wife.

That’s a huge over-simplification. I’m just boiling it down to base emotional pulls to make it more applicable to others.

Option #1: Be honest. Tell him that it’s hard and that you miss him. Let him know that you want him to be happy and you don’t want the distance to ruin that. And that while you know he has other lovers and sometimes that can sting, you can’t hold it against him either. And remember that you think his wife is hot and lovely.

Option #2: Play the manipulative game. Be hurt and sad whenever he mentions a date or hook-up. Play the victim when he talks about any experience other than ones with you. Romantic gestures not directed at you are scoffed at and then immediately begged for.

Let’s just assume that you’ve already realized that the only viable option is #1. I’m not going to say that it’s easy. Trust me. But the other road only makes you seem whiny and aloof. I mean, poly relationships can mean different things to different people, but the root word means ‘many’, so that should be a clue.

I’m an emotional connection person. I need that to be turned on and have any kind of positive sexual experience. But some people don’t (and that’s okay). My look at polyamory and our open marriage focuses a bit more on the ‘amory’. I have several loves, keyword there being loves, not several. And that isn’t set in stone as Sir and I continue our road down an open marriage.

For many the focus is the other way around. But they don’t try to hurt anyone with their relationships. On the contrary, most of the ‘many’ focused people I talk to are honest about who they are. They don’t want to hurt anyone, they are just being themselves. Trying to change that by manipulating or making them feel guilty won’t get you very far. If anything, it just hurts you both. And who wants to open up their marriage just to be shamed by someone else.

Realistically, I’ve only been in an open marriage for a few months, and in a poly relationship with someone for a few weeks. I’m not an expert in any way. This is more a common sense approach to a problem. And these two options many not be the only two, but these are the two I have seen in my experience and conversations online. I think I just wanted to write this down 1) to make sure I wasn’t missing something huge that a reader might point out, but 2) so that I can have a slap in the head if I ever feel like that second option will get me what I want. Because it won’t, 100% of the time.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

**The title of this wandering of words is not meant to imply that being poly is full of problems. There are just as many issues with closed relationships. If anything, the title was only meant to imply that I pulled this topic out of the air. Much the way that things pop in and out of my head, only this time I made you suffer through one of them.

9 Responses to “Poly Problem #41”

  • tavia

    From experience, option 2 does not work for long.
    Self control and honesty is the only thing that has ever worked in my poly relationships.
    And all parties involved do have to ‘work’ to make the relationships viable.

  • Tamar

    Option 2 is selfish and manipulative and a shitty way to treat someone you profess to care about, but I know you already know that. Whew, oh girlie- jumping into the deep end again, aren’t you? Speaking from experience, polyamory is Advanced Relationship 404 level class. It’s possible, and can be beautiful and fullfilling and exciting for all involved, but it takes one hell of a lot of work, and a shit ton of patience, maturity, self esteem and self awareness, as well as total honesty and constant, effective, compassionate communication. It is very difficult to do and can put a lot of stress on your pre-existing relationship. It contributed directly to the divorce of my husband of almost 20 years- my own lack of emotional stability and ability to handle NRE and put in the necessary work and care and energy to keep up my first relationship while pursuing my second was a definite contributing factor. There were other factors, but that was a big one. Then, later, I was in another failed triad with Q and another girl he chased, which ended up with me on the receiving end of what I’d just done to my husband and it was awful and eyeopening. During that time when my marriage was falling apart and I was chasing after my second, and then again when Q was chasing after his second- I did a lot of reading, trying to find a way to make it work, or at least make it less awful, and I did find some good resources:
    The Polyamorous Misanthrope

    More than Two

    (particularly this page on communication)

    Journals of a Polyamorous Triad

    alt.polyamory Forum

    (particularly this thread on communication)

    And this page on, again, communication (can you see the theme here? LOL)

    And I have about a hundred more pages saved but didn’t want to overload you and plus you’re smart so I figure you’ve probably already been doing your own reading and researching already. Just thought I’d share what I found helpful, even if it wasn’t enough to save either of my poly relationship attempts.

    Best advice- guard your first relationship very carefully. If it’s not rock solid going in, it will be stressed by attempts to open it up or try poly. Not saying “OMG DON’T DO IT” just…been there, done it badly, didn’t end well. Hoping you do better.

    • Rye

      Thank you for all the writings. I will look through these. I know, I know. I can’t ever do anything easy.

      But this distance thing is the best way, I think, to start. We have a strong emotional connection, but he doesn’t vie for my time as much because he isn’t local. There is a lot of test the waters still, but really don’t want to screw this up.

  • Rachel Kincaid

    Poly is ace. Poly is horrible. Poly is hard. There is no easy answer and this is something that you will keep coming back to again and again I am afraid. Frank conversations and a good support network is all I can advise.

  • Marie Rebelle

    I in no way have any knowledge about poly relationships, but I definitely think the first is the better option here, like you’ve already said. The second will get you nowhere, not in any kind of relationship, whether loving, friendly or business 🙂

    Rebel xox

  • Jack (and Jill)

    I definitely agree that the first option is the best. Which is not to say that it’s easy to turn off any feelings of jealousy you may feel. I can relate to this, for the record; being non monogamous and poly I often say jealousy is something I can’t be bothered to feel, but once in awhile it rears its ugly head. Still, I can say without hesitation that the second option won’t work; the negative feelings that will result are likely to overshadow the positive. I believe honesty is always the best policy, and open communication is essential for any relationship, especially a poly one. In short, I think you can do this. 🙂

  • Modesty Ablaze

    It is difficult and full of all sorts of emotions . . . and highs and lows. And different people and different situations means what works for one may not for the other(s). But the journey can be wondrous and fulfilling. Best wishes!!!
    Xxx – K

  • Molly

    I can’t speak with any experience on this subject but I think option one is the ideal situation but maybe knowing option 2 is possible will actually help you to be better at option 1. Does that make sense


  • Kayla Lords

    I’m always a fan of option 1 over option 2. But I know it’s not always easy, even when it seems like it should be.


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