So, the lover made a comment about coming to visit this weekend. I just about started running around the house in excitement. But then I started to think, which I never a good thing. Trying to get things around on such short notice would be crazy. What would we do with the kids? I have so much prep for thanksgiving next week. We are hosting this year, which takes care of one of my 101 Things, but also brings a pile of stress. There is just a lot of cleaning, cooking, and planning. I want to see him so badly, but when he told me that it probably wasn’t going to happen I wasn’t too upset.
I mean, in reality I was sad, but there was no point getting too bummed about it. Especially since he immediately started discussing a few possible weeks in December. More excitement and possibility. And, because I can’t take anything positive and accept it, I have to dissect into ruin. I have already begun thinking about all of the ways that this could go wrong.
The biggest concern is that it’s only been about six weeks. If he does find a way to sort a visit before Christmas, then it will be under three months since I saw him last. That sounds amazing, doesn’t it. Except, here’s the rub. It’s completely unsustainable. With our finances, I’ll be lucky to be able to fly out once a year to see him. And I can’t ask him to shoulder the cost of our relationship more than what I can give.
I just don’t want to create the expectation of getting to see him too often. If we see each other in December, I am worried that when February comes around I will expect to see him again. And when we can’t make it work I am worried I would get upset. At him, at myself, at other’s that I love around me. And it’s not fair to anyone. Obviously I want to see him as often as possible. But our lives, for the most part, will have to be apart. And it’s weird to me that I almost want to wait to see him again so that I get used to it.
And then I miss him. I want to joke and be sarcastic and fuck like rabbits. To cuddle, and laugh, and eat junk food. All those things top my cravings more than missing him ever will. The very idea of promoting space between us seems horrible.
How do I always get myself into these situations where I have two bad options?