Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The New Dominant Reality

A dominant friend and I were talking on Twitter yesterday and he asked me about subspace. He was describing types of scenes and activities that help his sub get into subspace. Then he asked me what worked for me. So I tried to think back to the last time I had gotten good and floaty.

And I couldn’t remember!

After agonizing about it for awhile, I finally realized it was over a year ago. We were still in the other house. In fact, since we moved many of our toys have only been out of the toy box once or twice. After my loud sigh with this depressing realization I attempted to answer his question.

I love bondage. There is something about being tied up in cuffs and rope that just helps me breathe a little easier. I remember once really wanting to ask Sir if I could sleep in the breast tie he had done. Having something close to my skin helps me feel safe. I’m very tactile like that, apparently. Not sure how connected it is, but I like to wear camisoles and tight shirts underneath looser clothes as well. I always love the idea of being hugged. I love it when Sir (or just about anyone, I’m friendly) holds onto my waist. In general I’m a touch/feely type of person.

I think that might be a bigger reason why not playing/scening/having sex with Sir has bothered me so much. I’ve practically forgotten what subspace feels like, and trust me, as a submissive that stinks. But the physical touching is what I miss most. When he decided that he didn’t want to do 24/7 anymore I was hurt. But there was still a lot of D/s in the bedroom and a lot of intimacy in general. The touch made it bearable. Now with little touching at all, the absence of BDSM has become even more obvious.

Talking to my dominant friend highlighted some pretty stark realities for me. First, there are a lot of kinks I still want to try. Thinking about wax play, rope, and all the humiliation scenes I have been craving has been tough. But an even more difficult realization is that Sir is not really my Sir. I’m still a submissive. And I don’t have another dom. But really I only call him Sir on here because his name needs to remain anonymous. That hit me pretty hard. I used to crave him to grab my neck when I would make a bratty comment or order me to sleep on the floor. Lately I just crave something more than my goodbye kiss before I leave for the office in the morning.

Subspace seems so far away now.

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