Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Weight of Hurt

“You didn’t want to get your clit pierced? Why did you put it on your 101 Things list?”

“Because you said you were going to order me to get it done.”

“Well, I guess you’re off the hook then.”

~

It’s conversations like this that crush me. What am I supposed to say to that? I wanted to be on the hook. That was the whole fucking point. I agreed to let him do what he wanted with my body; piercings were part of that.

This is why I think I need to take my collar off. I feel like I need to regain and recenter myself a bit. He knows how much I want to submit to him and I think that’s the problem. Like I need to make him earn my submission again, if he even wants it.

That’s the rub. He wants me to be happy, but he admits he cannot meet that need. And if everything else in our relationship were solid then I think I may be able to back away from my need to submit. But with everything else weighing me down, I need this type of release. I just don’t see how to make that work.

Where does that leave my submission in the possibly indefinite interim? I certainly wouldn’t be collared mom anymore (though it’s not like I’m really going to change the page or my twitter name). He’s not comfortable with me finding a local dom. He doesn’t want me to invested in a distance or online dominant either.

I may be ‘off the hook’, but still very much in the tank.

4 Responses to “The Weight of Hurt”

  • Stella

    I’m sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time. I understand your frustration. I hope you find the balance you need.

    Stella
    Xxx

  • Jack (and Jill)

    This makes my heart hurt for you. I’m here if you need to talk.

  • Natali

    I sometimes think the urge/need/desire to submit is much greater than the need to dominante. I feel like it’s harder to scratch that itch. Perhaps you can find out if there are subtle ways you can reaffirm your submission to him that will take some of the weight and initial responsibility off him. I call it passive submission and require my sub to be well versed in it for times like what you’re describing. Good luck!

  • ancilla ksst

    I’m sorry you are in such pain and distress. I hope you both can find the way to better times.

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