Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Security Blanket

I’m trying to decide if I should start wearing another necklace to ‘replace’ my collar. Obviously it wouldn’t replace it; I’m not even sure it would being fill the hole I feel. But, it could help me to feel some sort of weight like I had with the collar.

The collar that my Sir gave me was a surgical steel chain that was quite heavy. I would play with it whenever I was trying to think. It was a comfort and a weight that stayed with me throughout the day. I would touch and think of him, and I would know that he was thinking of me. It reminded me that he cared for me.

Without that security blanket around my neck I have been struggling. I didn’t realize how closely tied it was to my self-confidence. I’ve just been surprised at how much I have been questioning my decisions lately.

Which leads me to the conclusion that another, purely ornamental, necklace really wouldn’t change much. I would still feel just as lost. Some silly charm or a string of fake pearls wouldn’t have the same meaning, no matter how much I would want it to. In fact, it may just highlight the fact that I don’t have a collar. It would merely re-enforce I’m not owned by anyone. That hurt isn’t going to go away just because my neck isn’t bare.

I think I am looking for whatever I need to do to get passed this. There are a lot of elements of a break up, but it quickly gets more complicated. We’re still married, we still love one another. That doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I want to scream and cry though. I don’t (or haven’t yet). There isn’t a clean break, so to speak, so it’s hard to process sometimes.

I think I want a new necklace to try and feel like I am fixing myself. Getting myself together and being the type of person who is strong enough to be someone’s sub again. Currently, I’m in such a weird head-space I shouldn’t be anyone’s sub. I don’t want to be a pity project or a burden for someone. Then I would feel even worse.

Eventually something that is meaningful, in one way or another, will come along. Maybe by then I’ll be at a place where the idea of replacing my collar won’t be so horrific. Then I’ll be strong enough to call a necklace and be okay with it.

Why do I set myself impossible tasks when I have the patience of a two year old?

One Response to “Security Blanket”

  • Tamar

    I’m going to say this as compassionately as I can, coming from a place of concern and caring and wanting you to be happy.
    It sounds like, from the limited window we have on your life and your relationships, that you’re using the collar thing, the sub thing, the Jack thing, the online ‘boyfriends’ thing, everything you can to avoid dealing with and/or focusing on your relationship with your husband and working with him to try to improve it. To my thinking- that should be your focus right now, the rest minimal fringe at best, and cut out if causing friction with your marriage. That’s IF you really want to save it. Taking it for granted while you chase waterfalls is not the way to save it or improve it. It’s something you’re going to need to deal with head on, pouring your attention, energy, and care into to make better. You’re going to need to focus on your husband if you want things to get better with him, and hiding in these other distractions, no matter how much fun they seem to be, isn’t going to help and it may instead be hurting. It seems like you need to spend some time, a lot of time, really, talking openly and compassionately with your husband to see where you two disconnected, where you are now, and what you can do to help each other reconnect. See what he really wants from you and tell him what you really want from him and find ways to meet each other in the middle. Reconnect and remember and remind him of why you fell in love with each other to start, why you married each other, why you had children together. Think about your family more than you think about your submission- because right now, you seem obsessed and self-centered and that way lies madness and tears. It is important to know what you want and need out of life, out of a relationship but submission can’t be the end all be all, not when you have a husband, kids, family. There has to be more to you, more to your life than that and there has to be more that fulfills you and makes you happy. To some, especially the first couple of years after ‘discovering’ submission and BDSM and kink, it can become like a drug, and take over their life, their conscious thoughts, and become an addiction that wreaks havok on all other areas of their lives as they single-mindedly pursue it at all costs, letting everything else and everyone in their life atrophy. I don’t know that that’s what you’re doing, you’re smart and seem self-aware so I have to believe you may just be skirting around the edges of that, but need to know it is a thing I’ve seen happen and I don’t want that to happen to you. Breathe, meditate, ground and center yourself and consider the rest of your life outside of submission and what you can do to improve it. Find ways to reconnect with your husband before it’s too late. Love and enjoy your children and your family and friends and don’t let kink and the internet chatting dim your enjoyment of all other areas of your life. It’s really easy to get sucked in and not realize it till it’s too late. Submission is a choice, and will always be there for you when you want it, in some form or another. It’s not something that you ‘lose’ or that ‘goes away’. You either feel submissive or you don’t, but if you don’t, that doesn’t mean you won’t ever again. It seems you have more important things in your life to focus on right now, and I hope it all gets better for you soon.

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