I remember at time when I was pretty positive I was asexual. I not only didn’t feel attractive, but I didn’t think that my attractions to others were normal either. It was difficult for me to think positively about sex or relationships, and that led to several bad choices and hurt feelings. I wish I could say this was a singular occurrence, but I often look at my writing aspirations the same way. I tend to write in an odd voice and cadence (much how I speak) and that’s not for everyone. Funnily enough, I would describe my current sex drive and tastes the same way; odd, and not for everyone.
Recalling those times and feelings is painful. Only in the last few years have I really started to feel like a sexual person. I enjoyed intimacy with my husband, but it certainly wasn’t something I craved. Now I have a completely different prospective to what sex can offer me as an individual and to my relationships. And I think that that has, in turn, affected my writing in a positive way.
As I gain more confidence in my sexual and writing life, I’ve started to step out and move away from the negative and painful memories. My polyamory has been a big step towards that. It’s not always easy (I’m sure there will be lots more Poly Problem posts), but it has show me my own strength. Even just the idea that I am allowed to have needs in my sexual relationships has been quite freeing.
My writing is seeing a growth as well. I don’t always get the time to focus on it as much as I would like. Family, full-time job, and my depression take over from time to time. But I have taken some steps to improve that. And, I’m even starting to recognize and accept my own talent. I started a Patreon account this week. It’s nothing that I would have ever considered a few years ago. I never would have had the confidence to ask people to pay for my work. The idea of selling myself like that was hard to wrap my head around, and I thought about it for awhile before deciding it was the right move. The money could allow me to advance my writing and continue to make steps towards publishing. The idea of being a full-time writer may not be in my future, but still consider this a positive step.
As much as the recollection of my past is difficult, it continues to strengthen my resolve. The idea of ever being ashamed of my sexuality or interest in writing erotica again has faded. And hopefully my patreon will do well and I can continue to grow in both my sexual and writing experiences.