Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 7

#7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I think that even the most well-intentioned submissive will occasionally need corrected. I have been known to brat if I feel ignored. And I have found that a punishment is often the best thing for me. It’s the level and intensity of punishments that can create issues.

I take a lot of things personally. So while I respond well to physical punishments, being yelled at is another thing all together. I’m not sure why, but yelling just makes me cry like a scolded toddler. There was a time I remember when my husband and I were still working on our D/s relationship and one day in the car he hold me to ‘shut up’. I retreated immediately and didn’t speak for the rest of the night. I think I may have even cried on the way home. The thing is, I’m not sure what he was even upset about, so I didn’t really learn anything from the experience. All I remember is how upset I was.

A spanking goes a mile further than a time out or being yelled at. I will remember the time and effort you took to show much your disappointment and what you expect from me. Ignoring me is the worst possible punishment for me. I just get sad and withdraw more. While I will remember that I disappointed you, I won’t remember how or why. All that I will take away is that I’m lonely.

The idea of punishments are actually positive things for me. It’s the care of my dominant to want to correct me. To want me to be better. He could just let me be disappointing to him, or allow a sub-par performance to slip by. The time and effort shows that they care.

The understanding that I want to be my best for him is almost as much his responsibility as it is mine. That can be a hard thing for dominants to grasp. I can imagine that it would be difficult to balance care and correction as a dom.

Check out my other answers for Define Your Kink as I try to figure out what kind of submissive I am and what I need.

Four and Half Years

I’ve been on this journey of submission since 2013. And last Saturday I had a serious discussion with my husband and my dom about stopping everything. Close down the blog, deactivate my twitter account, stop playing like I know what I’m talking about.

Maybe if I were to just focus on my job and my family. If I let my sex drive wane and move on. Will this pain fade? If I ignore the pain of my absent collar could I be happy. Is my vanilla life enough to distract my BDSM cravings?

It would hurt like crazy to lose my small strings of submission. Losing my connections to the BDSM community would be difficult too. Everyone on the kinky/sex blogger web is so nice and supportive. I’m just afraid that I don’t really have anything to offer more than whining and unfulfilled fantasies. And I would have to decide if I was going to try and keep my poly relationships going (losing Jack too may be too much). But as finances are always tight and he’s three time zones away, maybe that would be in his best interests too.

My dom has asked me to wait and reflect a few days before I make any drastic decisions. He had a few ideas and things for me to consider; which I really appreciate. I just feel so lost all the time. Writing is hard as I feel like a fraud with this blog. I’m not collared. I call this a sex blog and I have less sex now than when I was vanilla.

I just wonder if faking this attempt at a kinky life is better than than the pain of pretending like it’s not part of who I am. Either way I’ll always have my ‘good girl’ tattoo; even if no one ever says it.

The Ordeal of the Nipple

Or probably more accurately titled: My ineptitude causes my own pain.

So for those not following along (no judgment, I can hardly keep this mess straight from day to day), I got my nipples pierced last year. This fall they had healed enough that I took out the barbells that were a bit too big and put in black rings. I wasn’t a huge fan of them when I bought them and they never really grew on me. While I got the piercings for my husband, I wanted them to at least look cute. And the black rings were way too drab for me. As often as I try to show off my breasts, I want them to look nice.

So as I embark on this new form of D/s with a new Sir, I wanted to try a fresh start. We aren’t at a place of collars just yet, but I really wanted his opinion on this new jewelry. During one of our conversations I sent him a few links to some designs and we both agreed that the heart keys were the cutest. My husband was on board and bought them last week. I was so excited when they arrived. I ended up getting pissy with the kids as they wouldn’t go to bed fast enough. Finally  they remained in their rooms long enough for me to call it a win; if they got up now it was their own therapy bill.

In my eagerness to get them switched I grabbed the ball on one of the rings and began to unscrew it. That was the easiest and last pain-free moment of the evening. With the ball released I attempted to pull the ring free from my nipple. It caught several times and pinched like a bitch before I got it out. I looked at my husband with the realization that this was not going to be the fun, quick process I had hoped for. It faded even more when I tried to put the new post in. I couldn’t get it to go in, not even a little bit. It was catching on something, and whatever that something was, it hurt a lot.

After struggling for a few minutes I had to stop. I was tearing up and it was getting too hard to see. My husband attempted to intervene at this point, which was sweet. It didn’t actually help and it hurt even worse, but I appreciated him rubbing my arm while he did it. After a bit more whimpering we stopped for a break.

He had a good idea to try and use lube to help, which turned out to be the answer. I got the first key in place and quickly twisted the end on. It pinched my already sore nipple, but I didn’t care. I was so worried that I wasn’t going to be able to get in place. With no where to turn at that time of night, I was worried that my piercing would close up. As panic set in and the pain of the first nipple worsened, I decided to forgo the second.

My husband brought up an ice pack for my sore nipple. He suggested I go to the tattoo parlor in town after work the next day to see if they could help me get the other post in place. And we were both concerned at the amount of pinching that the first was causing me. I was awake most of the night. The random pangs and pinches kept waking me up and keeping me from any kind of restful sleep.

Work the next day was torture. I was writing to my Sir how the pain would occasionally turn to arousal (not that that was a good thing at work), but it didn’t last long. The soreness in my right breast was intense. I was starting to worry that my ham-fisted actions the night before had left my piercing infected. I felt so stupid for buying jewelry online and worried that I had just wasted money (of our very tight budget) buying something that I couldn’t even use.

I tried not to look too defeated as I walked into the tattoo parlor after leaving the office. The woman who does their piercings there is super nice. I explained my predicament and she immediately waved me back to her station. With a simple, “We’ll get you fixed up”, she did. Apparently my bars were too short and that is what was causing the pinching. So she modified my pretty jewelry by simply switching out the bar with a longer one. Then she gave me tips on how to remove my jewelry more carefully and put it in without all the pain (lube was the key; my husband was on the right track).

It took less than ten minutes and my boobs looked amazing and the soreness was nearly gone. I wanted to give her a hug, but went for a big tip instead. Waking up this morning, after sleeping much better, the pain was completely gone.

Hopefully I will get a chance to take the Sinful Sunday photo that I want tonight and you will get to see my cuteness properly. If not, the quick shots I took for twitter will have to do for now. But as panicky and painful as the other night was, I did learn a lot.

  1. Lube is always the answer, for everything.
  2. I’ll get a million more tattoos before I get anything else pierced.
  3. Y’all are going to be seeing a lot of my boobs over the next few months, cause they look damn cute with these keys.

Poly Problem #76: Pass Priority

Rye's slave braclet

I miss people. As comfortable as I am with my family life right now I am struggling with how far away everyone is. My twitter boyfriend jokes that I couldn’t have found relationships further away if I had planned it. With him being on the opposite side of the world I can hardly argue his point. A lover in California and a Dom (you didn’t miss anything, he’s new) in Florida. I do manage to make things extra difficult for myself.

So my new Dom thing is very new. The idea of having a secondary that is a Dominant is still messing with my head. How to balance my husband and my Dominant. I don’t really believe that he would ask me to do anything that would jeopardize my marriage (he’s wonderfully understanding). And he would not give me an order that would have me ignoring my family responsibilities. Honestly, it would be me. Wanting to please him and show him that I’m serious about our relationship. However, I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure what our relationship is.

Everyone has priorities. Each of the men that I care about outside my own marriage have families and careers to worry about. It’s hard to connect through a computer screen with differences in time zones and schedules. And even when we can each sit down and really talk, there are usually kids and bills and a handful of other things distracting us. And that’s difficult for me. When I am with someone I want to be their focus, as I’m sure they expect from me. But when we are thousands of miles away, focus is a relative term. This is what has me concerned about what I can really offer my Dominant.

He has been lovely to start things slowly. As an impatient person, I have had to put trust in him that he knows what he is doing and what he wants. It’s been a very freeing experience. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not craving more. It’s a balance that I want to reach going forward. Each of the men in my life are special to me for varying reasons. And how I am able to reach a balance, while still respecting and obeying my Dominant will be a challenge. I trust that he will help me though; and lead me in a positive direction.

Workshop Pet

He handed me his empty coffee cup and got up from the table. I walked over to the sink to rinse it before putting it in the dishwasher. He stepped out of the kitchen and came back a few seconds later with my green leash. I was pretty sure I squealed with excitement as I ran over to him.

“Would you like to come to the shop with me for awhile pet?”

“Yes please, Sir.”

“You promise to be good and stay on your bed for me?”

“Yes, Sir.” I put my on my best innocent face and smiled sweetly. The last thing I wanted was to be left in the house alone.

“Good girl.” Click. The leash snapped onto my collar and I fell in step behind him as we headed out the back door.

The walk across the backyard to the workshop was quick. Sir had gone to the hardware store earlier in the week, so I knew he would be itching to get to work. I had hoped he would allow me to come and watch. As we approached the door to the shop I bent down and got on all fours. Sir likes that I have chosen to honor the workshop by always crawling as I enter. In fact, aside from one sexy interlude where I was thrown over a work bench, I was always on my knees or lower in the building.

Sir turned and smiled at me as he opened the door and I crawled in. The workshop was a remodeled three car garage. Sir had put a lot of work into making it meet his needs. Now there was room for all his equipment, his materials, and finished work that was ready to sell. Sir walked over and clipped the leash to the ring he had added to the side of his work bench. I nuzzled his leg as I moved onto my bed underneath his design desk.

There were two big tables at the ‘work’ end of the shop. One for design and detail work and one for this lathe and saws. When he first started allowing me to come out with him he bought me a bed to sit in. This was to be sure I stayed safe and not get underfoot. It also allowed for me to be able to give foot massages and other ‘services’ while he drew plans or did bookkeeping. The bed was made of soft minky material and I even had a blanket that stayed in the shop. He had also built a little shelf for a few toys and books so I didn’t feel ignored while he was working.

Sir walked away from the desk to grab some wood samples and paper. I sat cross-legged on my bed and enjoyed just watching him focus on his work. He soon sat on the stool directly in front of me and began to draw. The radio was tuned to the local rock station and it was all I could not to sing a long. I gave Sir’s pants two small tugs. The music volume lowered.

“Yes, pet?”

“May I service you while you work?” I watched the bulge in his pants twitch as he considered my request.

“You may, but I have to do some machine work in a bit, so when I say stop you must not pout.”

“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.”

I reached for the button holding his jeans. He scooted forward on the stool so that I could release his cock and remain under the desk. My request must have pleased him as he was throbbing as I greedily took his cock from his jeans and began licking and kissing him. The smell of him mixed with the smell of shop was such a turn on for me. I took him deep in my throat and he moaned over the music. I wanted to take my time and savor him, but I also knew that this, while pleasant, was distracting him from his work. So while I massaged and licked him, I also took him deep and tried to push him toward orgasm.

I wanted him to cum. To hear his moans as I helped him find release. He didn’t always let me do this when I came out here, so I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. I continued my pace as his left hand reached under the desk to push my head further on his cock. His grip on my hair tightened as his muscles began tiny thrusts into my mouth. I ran my tongue under his shaft and licked down to his balls. He groaned and with two hard thrusts emptied himself down my throat.

Holding my mouth still over his cock I rolled my tongue around him as he continued to twitch. I could feel his cum sliding slowly down my throat. We sighed in unison as he pulled out of my mouth and zipped his jeans back up.

“Good girl. Thank you for your service pet.”

“The pleasure is mine, Sir.”

“Are you going to take a nap, or can I turn the music back up?”

“I left one of my Judy Blume books out here, so I think I will read. Please feel free to listen to whatever pleases you. Thank you for asking.”

“Good girl.” He reached down and caressed my cheek as I settled down in my bed to read. The music turned up. Fat Bottomed Girls made me smile as I rubbed Sir’s leg one last time before curling up and enjoying his presence for the afternoon.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

This is Different, He’s a Man

I consider myself I shy person. I know, that hardly seems possible as I, not ten minutes ago, tweeted a picture of my breasts. Seriously though, I don’t like social situations and would always rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and book than go out. I haven’t been in a club in a decade with no pull to return. However, in complete opposition to that standard nature, I did something that I haven’t done in over ten years. I asked a boy to go out with me.

Not really, of course. I’m in my thirties, relationships with ‘boys’ at this point would be illegal. But that is how my brain and heart see it. And, hopefully, it goes better than any other time I’ve done it. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but I have never been successful. I told a boy (I was 14, so it was okay) that I liked him in high school. He said that he wasn’t interested and he avoided me for the rest of year. I talked to a friend in college about the possibility of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. He decided to start sleeping with my roommate instead. That one ended up working out for the best though as my husband and I got together soon after and that guy ended up in our wedding.

This is a bit different, however. This is a man. A very nice man. And I have asked him to be my dominant. My husband and I have talked a lot about it and have decided that me trying a D/s relationship with someone else is a good idea. Our relationship is strong, but it will always be vanilla. But there is a lot that I still feel I need to explore as a submissive. With his support I’ve decided to ask a dear friend that I have found a good connection with.

I’m not sure what will happen. He has a sub. And I don’t want to encroach on that. Honestly, if he says ‘thanks, but no thanks’ I would not begrudge him. It would hurt, but I’m a big pill to swallow. I can completely understand not wanting to take me on, especially with a family and other responsibilities already weighing on you. In all the previous time I’ve done this, it’s been with boys. Boys who had no responsibilities, who just follow their dicks toward or away from me. This is a man. He understands what I’m asking and I respect him for taking it seriously enough to think about it. As much as I am afraid of the answer, I respect it.

So today will be a lot of trying to keep busy. Fear and excitement will keep me going for awhile. And, since I slept so poorly last night hopefully it will wear off before bed tonight. I think I will go for a run tonight, just in case.

I am so nervous.

Define Your Kink: Day 5

#5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different?

Sorry for such a long gap between #4 and #5. I’ve sort of been avoiding answering this question. I considered skipping over it and coming back, but that would be a cop-out to the process. I think it’s just the reality of my answer.

I have been in three D/s dynamics. Two one day experiences that were negative for very different reasons, and one long-term. Each taught me something in their own way, but for a variety of reasons none of them worked. That’s a hard thing to admit, that I haven’t been successful. And it’s easy for me to say that as I was the only common denominator in these experiences that I must be the problem. This isn’t the case, there were all sorts of factors. Sometimes it’s easy to fall into that self-destructive trap though.

Twitter Guy

When my husband and I were considering opening things up to others, I started chatting with several Doms online. Mostly in a friendly context to learn about their relationships and how they structure their rules. There was often flirting, and there were a few conversations about taking it further. The only one of those conversations that didn’t fizzle out was a gentleman who also lived here in Ohio. The idea of having another Dominant close by was very enticing. We chatted a lot and seem to have similar kinks and boundaries.

Then one day we decided to try and online scene. I sent him a few pictures and was even punished for forgeting a ‘Yes, Sir’ in a response. After the interaction we were talking and he told me not to tell my husband about it. The moment killed any good feelings I had. I told my husband and stopped talking with the Dom. It was difficult as I felt horrible. He genuinely seemed like a nice guy.

May Visit

Once we got settled in the new house, I started reaching out to try and find local Doms. We had made friends with a few couples on Fetlife, but each of us had branched out to locate individual partners. I started talking with a Dom about a few kinks and the possibility of getting together. He wanted a regular sub and respected my husband’s boundaries, which was nice. I should have listened to my intuition regarding the fact that we had little in common outside of BDSM. None of my vanilla relationships have worked when we didn’t have anything in common; I should have realized that D/s would be the same.

In May of 2016 he came over to the house. It wasn’t a great memory, but I did learn a lot about my limits. I haven’t been with another Dom since. Trust is so vital to what I am looking for in a Dom, I’ll never jump into that dynamic again.

Husband, Father, Friend (too many posts to link)

My husband and I have been through a lot together. Ten years of graduations (four in total), moves (six of those), and two crazy kids. He jumped right in when I discovered I am kinky and gave it 100%. I really appreciate his effort in trying to be what he thought I wanted. But, as a submissive, pleasing my partner was about what they wanted, not what they were doing for me. There was always this feeling of me forcing him to do things and never being able to relax in the moment. I was always worried that he was unhappy and unsatisfied. We were both trying so hard to make the other happy that neither of us were.

As difficult as this has been to lose our D/s, it has helped us communicate. We talk more openly and honestly than we ever did before BDSM. And while loosing my collar was painful, at least I’m not worried about ruining my marriage.

At this point is just figuring out how to move forward. I have a Dominant friend that currently chat with on Twitter. He’s the only Dom that I’ve felt comfortable with since my last negative online experience. He’s not local, so I’m not sure what it could ever be. Maybe a few visits a year, like Jack in California. Not sure I could handle two long-distance relationships emotionally, but we’ll see what happens. I do know that D/s in some form needs to be part of my life.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

Saturday

Saturday’s used to be about sleeping in and lazy mornings. Even my older son was a toddler, I don’t remember getting up all that early on the weekends.

This morning I was woken up by each boy, independently, before 5:30. After a mini-tantrum from Tank I just decided to get up. Husband rolled over and managed to go back to sleep, but threw on some sweats and came down to watch old episodes of Top Gear. I keep staring at the coffee pot waiting for it to spring to life on it’s own.

Randomly, each child comes wandering in from cartoons seeking food. The breakfast bar request is standard. My oldest has a thing for flour tortillas lately. Which, while odd, is better than fruit snacks, I guess.

Damn coffee pot still hasn’t gotten going.

I had a lovely twitter flirt last night with friends that wish lived closer. Having kinky friends over for dinner, drinks, and a lovely chat is a goal. Don’t get me wrong, sexy fun would be great too, but just talking would be so nice. After reading about those who attended Eroticon, I find myself really wanting to engage in the community a bit more.

Alright, I have to break down and make some coffee. And after I figure out how to design a machine or train the children to do that for me, I’ll start working on how to engage with the kink community more.

When No is the Best Answer

If you haven’t read this post from Slave to Master then you should or what follows will make little sense.

The idea of ‘no’ or disagreeing with a partner in a relationship always seems negative. But sometimes saying no can bring a strength and confidence. I have found this paramount in my BDSM attempts. As ancilla_ksst explains, much better than I could, saying yes all the time to a sub can be harmful. It’s hard to trust that a dominant is doing what they want if they agree with all a sub’s requests and desires.

Looking back, I think this is why my husband and my D/s wasn’t successful. While I thought I was giving him everything he asked for, I was inadvertently topping from the bottom. He was doing everything he thought I wanted and not for his own pleasure. This worked for awhile, but soon I was in a vacuum of doing things for him which was really just for me. Eventually I completely stopped trusting his responses.

When he would moan I would wonder if it was genuine, or just for my benefit. Was that ‘good girl’ for real, or just to shut me up? I always shrugged these feelings away, of course, because it felt good at the time. Once he opened up about his true feelings, however, I found myself in a dark place. I revisited every scene. There was a time when I couldn’t even look through our photos as it all felt fake. Submission was about putting my trust in him, and I felt like he misused what I considered a gift. I don’t think it was malicious, it may even have been subconscious. When I was able to move past the hurt it was easier to see my faults and his struggle with more empathy.

Moving forward is going to be a process. The blow to trust has rippled through our marriage. I’ve always struggled with compliments, but now I really don’t believe them. And when he thanks me for doing something for him I wonder if he means it. Things I used to do as his sub barely register anymore, making it less likely that I will continue putting in the effort.

I don’t want to make it all negative though. We are spending time together doing other things. And we are both working on personal hobbies as well. I’m trying to take a step back and put myself in a stronger personal position. And using this opportunity to figure out what I really want as a poly submissive seems like a positive step. Then, should either him or another dominant and I start some type of D/s relationship, I will be better prepared to explain my boundaries and needs. One of which will certainly be that saying no helps me trust my partner and know that everything I do is for their pleasure.