Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

He is my Sir

Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.

Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.

One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.

Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.

I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.

I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.

As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.

The Boss Dom

Since discovering my submissive side, I find that I look at nearly all social interactions with a D/s filter. Often this ends up being creepy as I deal with my kids’ doctors and/or family members. But, sometimes it works so perfectly that I can’t let it go. Most recently this has been my relationship with my boss.

She is a slender, attractive, no nonsense leader who is very set in her ways. She expects perfection and sighs heavily at ineptitude. In many senses, we were perfect for one another.

However, there are a few things that I’ve learned about leadership styles and what I respond to in a boss and/or a dom. Communication is huge. Understanding what is expected of me is vital. If I don’t understand what my boss dom wants then my uncertainty takes over. I question tasks and jobs that I was once comfortable with. My self-worth plummets as I scramble to find purpose. I find I also need at least occasional positive reinforcement. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but even a kind word now and then goes a long way. These moments get me through my anxious periods.

This translates pretty directly for me from a dominant to a boss. My current supervisor only communicates through email. Her office is less than five feet from my desk. But, if I have a question or need something, the only response I get is “can you put it in an email?”. And then, when I do email, it takes an eternity to hear back. It is annoying to put it mildly. All I need sometimes is five minutes, or less, to explain a situation and get an answer. I understand when specific case questions come up. These require greater review and more time to consider all the facts. But procedural questions should be consistent from case to case. And there is something about her actually listening to me with interest and respect that is appreciated, even if she doesn’t know the answer right away.

The idea of positive reinforcement would also be nice. Responses to my email questions, when I do eventually get them, are usually one sentence. Occasionally even just a word or phrase. It’s so disheartening to write several paragraphs of explanation to only receive a phrase response. The only other communications I get are emails when I do something wrong. Again, usually a phrase. And there is something in my brain that always reads those emails in a yelling, sarcastic, disappointed tone. I think if all I ever received from my dom were disappointed emails my self-esteem would evaporate. Like getting a text after a blow job that just said, ‘meh’.

So, my boss dom and I are going to part ways. I have been offered a job with a local college. It’s slightly less money, but the growth potential is much higher. And, I actually feel like I fit with this office. Everyone seems to be very positive about the work they do and their support of one another. When I met with the other staff in the office they all commented on the supervisor’s leadership skills. And something happened in my interview that I had never had happen before. One of the questions they asked was, “Our office can become stressful at times. What do you do for self-care?”. I have never had an employer give a crap about my stress level. But they were genuinely interested in my activities and methods to combat stress. It was so refreshing.

This month of transition will be a little tough. But I do believe that my relationship with my new boss will be much healthier and more positive for me. Maybe I don’t need a boss dom anymore and I can just let my dom do what he does best.

Define Your Kink: Day 8

#8 –  Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

The short answer is: yes.

In my previous dynamic with my husband we incorporated spanking as a punishment. This was done with bare hands, belts, whips, and canes. Usually this would part of a larger scene, but on occasion was done for specific infractions.

I found that my success rate with it largely depended on what happened afterward. I know that seems silly, but it always had the largest impact (pun intended) when there was solid aftercare. If it was merely an explanation of what I did wrong, several spankings, and being sent on my way, I faultered. The spanking wasn’t enough of a ‘punishment’, as odd as that may sound. I would continue to beat myself up (figuratively) about my mistake. If, when he thought I had been properly corrected, told me that I was still a ‘good girl’, and that I was forgiven, then I responded better.

My current dynamic with my Sir has only been long distance. He and I haven’t had the situation arise where punishment has been necessary. And, as much as I would love to keep it that way, I’m sure it will need to be discussed at some point. He and I have largely looked at spanking as a form of play, not punishment. But I know it’s something he practices with his primary sub, so I’m sure it will feature in our relationship in some form.

Check out the other Define your Kink questions and answers that I have done do far!

Growth

The last few days have all been about reflection and growth. I’m trying to find the wood through the trees. But a few big things have fallen into place lately. I need to work on me and focus on my own growth. Putting so much pressure on my husband to fix everything isn’t fair to him and it isn’t helping. Patience with him and myself at this point is all I can do.

In other news, my cross-stitch piece looks great. It’s the little things.

Define Your Kink: Day 7

#7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I think that even the most well-intentioned submissive will occasionally need corrected. I have been known to brat if I feel ignored. And I have found that a punishment is often the best thing for me. It’s the level and intensity of punishments that can create issues.

I take a lot of things personally. So while I respond well to physical punishments, being yelled at is another thing all together. I’m not sure why, but yelling just makes me cry like a scolded toddler. There was a time I remember when my husband and I were still working on our D/s relationship and one day in the car he hold me to ‘shut up’. I retreated immediately and didn’t speak for the rest of the night. I think I may have even cried on the way home. The thing is, I’m not sure what he was even upset about, so I didn’t really learn anything from the experience. All I remember is how upset I was.

A spanking goes a mile further than a time out or being yelled at. I will remember the time and effort you took to show much your disappointment and what you expect from me. Ignoring me is the worst possible punishment for me. I just get sad and withdraw more. While I will remember that I disappointed you, I won’t remember how or why. All that I will take away is that I’m lonely.

The idea of punishments are actually positive things for me. It’s the care of my dominant to want to correct me. To want me to be better. He could just let me be disappointing to him, or allow a sub-par performance to slip by. The time and effort shows that they care.

The understanding that I want to be my best for him is almost as much his responsibility as it is mine. That can be a hard thing for dominants to grasp. I can imagine that it would be difficult to balance care and correction as a dom.

Check out my other answers for Define Your Kink as I try to figure out what kind of submissive I am and what I need.

Four and Half Years

I’ve been on this journey of submission since 2013. And last Saturday I had a serious discussion with my husband and my dom about stopping everything. Close down the blog, deactivate my twitter account, stop playing like I know what I’m talking about.

Maybe if I were to just focus on my job and my family. If I let my sex drive wane and move on. Will this pain fade? If I ignore the pain of my absent collar could I be happy. Is my vanilla life enough to distract my BDSM cravings?

It would hurt like crazy to lose my small strings of submission. Losing my connections to the BDSM community would be difficult too. Everyone on the kinky/sex blogger web is so nice and supportive. I’m just afraid that I don’t really have anything to offer more than whining and unfulfilled fantasies. And I would have to decide if I was going to try and keep my poly relationships going (losing Jack too may be too much). But as finances are always tight and he’s three time zones away, maybe that would be in his best interests too.

My dom has asked me to wait and reflect a few days before I make any drastic decisions. He had a few ideas and things for me to consider; which I really appreciate. I just feel so lost all the time. Writing is hard as I feel like a fraud with this blog. I’m not collared. I call this a sex blog and I have less sex now than when I was vanilla.

I just wonder if faking this attempt at a kinky life is better than than the pain of pretending like it’s not part of who I am. Either way I’ll always have my ‘good girl’ tattoo; even if no one ever says it.

The Ordeal of the Nipple

Or probably more accurately titled: My ineptitude causes my own pain.

So for those not following along (no judgment, I can hardly keep this mess straight from day to day), I got my nipples pierced last year. This fall they had healed enough that I took out the barbells that were a bit too big and put in black rings. I wasn’t a huge fan of them when I bought them and they never really grew on me. While I got the piercings for my husband, I wanted them to at least look cute. And the black rings were way too drab for me. As often as I try to show off my breasts, I want them to look nice.

So as I embark on this new form of D/s with a new Sir, I wanted to try a fresh start. We aren’t at a place of collars just yet, but I really wanted his opinion on this new jewelry. During one of our conversations I sent him a few links to some designs and we both agreed that the heart keys were the cutest. My husband was on board and bought them last week. I was so excited when they arrived. I ended up getting pissy with the kids as they wouldn’t go to bed fast enough. Finally  they remained in their rooms long enough for me to call it a win; if they got up now it was their own therapy bill.

In my eagerness to get them switched I grabbed the ball on one of the rings and began to unscrew it. That was the easiest and last pain-free moment of the evening. With the ball released I attempted to pull the ring free from my nipple. It caught several times and pinched like a bitch before I got it out. I looked at my husband with the realization that this was not going to be the fun, quick process I had hoped for. It faded even more when I tried to put the new post in. I couldn’t get it to go in, not even a little bit. It was catching on something, and whatever that something was, it hurt a lot.

After struggling for a few minutes I had to stop. I was tearing up and it was getting too hard to see. My husband attempted to intervene at this point, which was sweet. It didn’t actually help and it hurt even worse, but I appreciated him rubbing my arm while he did it. After a bit more whimpering we stopped for a break.

He had a good idea to try and use lube to help, which turned out to be the answer. I got the first key in place and quickly twisted the end on. It pinched my already sore nipple, but I didn’t care. I was so worried that I wasn’t going to be able to get in place. With no where to turn at that time of night, I was worried that my piercing would close up. As panic set in and the pain of the first nipple worsened, I decided to forgo the second.

My husband brought up an ice pack for my sore nipple. He suggested I go to the tattoo parlor in town after work the next day to see if they could help me get the other post in place. And we were both concerned at the amount of pinching that the first was causing me. I was awake most of the night. The random pangs and pinches kept waking me up and keeping me from any kind of restful sleep.

Work the next day was torture. I was writing to my Sir how the pain would occasionally turn to arousal (not that that was a good thing at work), but it didn’t last long. The soreness in my right breast was intense. I was starting to worry that my ham-fisted actions the night before had left my piercing infected. I felt so stupid for buying jewelry online and worried that I had just wasted money (of our very tight budget) buying something that I couldn’t even use.

I tried not to look too defeated as I walked into the tattoo parlor after leaving the office. The woman who does their piercings there is super nice. I explained my predicament and she immediately waved me back to her station. With a simple, “We’ll get you fixed up”, she did. Apparently my bars were too short and that is what was causing the pinching. So she modified my pretty jewelry by simply switching out the bar with a longer one. Then she gave me tips on how to remove my jewelry more carefully and put it in without all the pain (lube was the key; my husband was on the right track).

It took less than ten minutes and my boobs looked amazing and the soreness was nearly gone. I wanted to give her a hug, but went for a big tip instead. Waking up this morning, after sleeping much better, the pain was completely gone.

Hopefully I will get a chance to take the Sinful Sunday photo that I want tonight and you will get to see my cuteness properly. If not, the quick shots I took for twitter will have to do for now. But as panicky and painful as the other night was, I did learn a lot.

  1. Lube is always the answer, for everything.
  2. I’ll get a million more tattoos before I get anything else pierced.
  3. Y’all are going to be seeing a lot of my boobs over the next few months, cause they look damn cute with these keys.

Poly Problem #76: Pass Priority

Rye's slave braclet

I miss people. As comfortable as I am with my family life right now I am struggling with how far away everyone is. My twitter boyfriend jokes that I couldn’t have found relationships further away if I had planned it. With him being on the opposite side of the world I can hardly argue his point. A lover in California and a Dom (you didn’t miss anything, he’s new) in Florida. I do manage to make things extra difficult for myself.

So my new Dom thing is very new. The idea of having a secondary that is a Dominant is still messing with my head. How to balance my husband and my Dominant. I don’t really believe that he would ask me to do anything that would jeopardize my marriage (he’s wonderfully understanding). And he would not give me an order that would have me ignoring my family responsibilities. Honestly, it would be me. Wanting to please him and show him that I’m serious about our relationship. However, I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure what our relationship is.

Everyone has priorities. Each of the men that I care about outside my own marriage have families and careers to worry about. It’s hard to connect through a computer screen with differences in time zones and schedules. And even when we can each sit down and really talk, there are usually kids and bills and a handful of other things distracting us. And that’s difficult for me. When I am with someone I want to be their focus, as I’m sure they expect from me. But when we are thousands of miles away, focus is a relative term. This is what has me concerned about what I can really offer my Dominant.

He has been lovely to start things slowly. As an impatient person, I have had to put trust in him that he knows what he is doing and what he wants. It’s been a very freeing experience. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not craving more. It’s a balance that I want to reach going forward. Each of the men in my life are special to me for varying reasons. And how I am able to reach a balance, while still respecting and obeying my Dominant will be a challenge. I trust that he will help me though; and lead me in a positive direction.

Workshop Pet

He handed me his empty coffee cup and got up from the table. I walked over to the sink to rinse it before putting it in the dishwasher. He stepped out of the kitchen and came back a few seconds later with my green leash. I was pretty sure I squealed with excitement as I ran over to him.

“Would you like to come to the shop with me for awhile pet?”

“Yes please, Sir.”

“You promise to be good and stay on your bed for me?”

“Yes, Sir.” I put my on my best innocent face and smiled sweetly. The last thing I wanted was to be left in the house alone.

“Good girl.” Click. The leash snapped onto my collar and I fell in step behind him as we headed out the back door.

The walk across the backyard to the workshop was quick. Sir had gone to the hardware store earlier in the week, so I knew he would be itching to get to work. I had hoped he would allow me to come and watch. As we approached the door to the shop I bent down and got on all fours. Sir likes that I have chosen to honor the workshop by always crawling as I enter. In fact, aside from one sexy interlude where I was thrown over a work bench, I was always on my knees or lower in the building.

Sir turned and smiled at me as he opened the door and I crawled in. The workshop was a remodeled three car garage. Sir had put a lot of work into making it meet his needs. Now there was room for all his equipment, his materials, and finished work that was ready to sell. Sir walked over and clipped the leash to the ring he had added to the side of his work bench. I nuzzled his leg as I moved onto my bed underneath his design desk.

There were two big tables at the ‘work’ end of the shop. One for design and detail work and one for this lathe and saws. When he first started allowing me to come out with him he bought me a bed to sit in. This was to be sure I stayed safe and not get underfoot. It also allowed for me to be able to give foot massages and other ‘services’ while he drew plans or did bookkeeping. The bed was made of soft minky material and I even had a blanket that stayed in the shop. He had also built a little shelf for a few toys and books so I didn’t feel ignored while he was working.

Sir walked away from the desk to grab some wood samples and paper. I sat cross-legged on my bed and enjoyed just watching him focus on his work. He soon sat on the stool directly in front of me and began to draw. The radio was tuned to the local rock station and it was all I could not to sing a long. I gave Sir’s pants two small tugs. The music volume lowered.

“Yes, pet?”

“May I service you while you work?” I watched the bulge in his pants twitch as he considered my request.

“You may, but I have to do some machine work in a bit, so when I say stop you must not pout.”

“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.”

I reached for the button holding his jeans. He scooted forward on the stool so that I could release his cock and remain under the desk. My request must have pleased him as he was throbbing as I greedily took his cock from his jeans and began licking and kissing him. The smell of him mixed with the smell of shop was such a turn on for me. I took him deep in my throat and he moaned over the music. I wanted to take my time and savor him, but I also knew that this, while pleasant, was distracting him from his work. So while I massaged and licked him, I also took him deep and tried to push him toward orgasm.

I wanted him to cum. To hear his moans as I helped him find release. He didn’t always let me do this when I came out here, so I wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. I continued my pace as his left hand reached under the desk to push my head further on his cock. His grip on my hair tightened as his muscles began tiny thrusts into my mouth. I ran my tongue under his shaft and licked down to his balls. He groaned and with two hard thrusts emptied himself down my throat.

Holding my mouth still over his cock I rolled my tongue around him as he continued to twitch. I could feel his cum sliding slowly down my throat. We sighed in unison as he pulled out of my mouth and zipped his jeans back up.

“Good girl. Thank you for your service pet.”

“The pleasure is mine, Sir.”

“Are you going to take a nap, or can I turn the music back up?”

“I left one of my Judy Blume books out here, so I think I will read. Please feel free to listen to whatever pleases you. Thank you for asking.”

“Good girl.” He reached down and caressed my cheek as I settled down in my bed to read. The music turned up. Fat Bottomed Girls made me smile as I rubbed Sir’s leg one last time before curling up and enjoying his presence for the afternoon.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

This is Different, He’s a Man

I consider myself I shy person. I know, that hardly seems possible as I, not ten minutes ago, tweeted a picture of my breasts. Seriously though, I don’t like social situations and would always rather curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and book than go out. I haven’t been in a club in a decade with no pull to return. However, in complete opposition to that standard nature, I did something that I haven’t done in over ten years. I asked a boy to go out with me.

Not really, of course. I’m in my thirties, relationships with ‘boys’ at this point would be illegal. But that is how my brain and heart see it. And, hopefully, it goes better than any other time I’ve done it. This is not the first time I’ve done this, but I have never been successful. I told a boy (I was 14, so it was okay) that I liked him in high school. He said that he wasn’t interested and he avoided me for the rest of year. I talked to a friend in college about the possibility of a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. He decided to start sleeping with my roommate instead. That one ended up working out for the best though as my husband and I got together soon after and that guy ended up in our wedding.

This is a bit different, however. This is a man. A very nice man. And I have asked him to be my dominant. My husband and I have talked a lot about it and have decided that me trying a D/s relationship with someone else is a good idea. Our relationship is strong, but it will always be vanilla. But there is a lot that I still feel I need to explore as a submissive. With his support I’ve decided to ask a dear friend that I have found a good connection with.

I’m not sure what will happen. He has a sub. And I don’t want to encroach on that. Honestly, if he says ‘thanks, but no thanks’ I would not begrudge him. It would hurt, but I’m a big pill to swallow. I can completely understand not wanting to take me on, especially with a family and other responsibilities already weighing on you. In all the previous time I’ve done this, it’s been with boys. Boys who had no responsibilities, who just follow their dicks toward or away from me. This is a man. He understands what I’m asking and I respect him for taking it seriously enough to think about it. As much as I am afraid of the answer, I respect it.

So today will be a lot of trying to keep busy. Fear and excitement will keep me going for awhile. And, since I slept so poorly last night hopefully it will wear off before bed tonight. I think I will go for a run tonight, just in case.

I am so nervous.