Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Rope Tattoo

He had a tattoo. It was one of the first things I noticed about him. Honestly, it’s the first thing I notice about most people. But there was something that caught my eye from across the room.

Rope. It was so close to my lace that I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It weaved around his arm in this interesting pattern. There were even items and symbols within it that I couldn’t make out from across the room, just like my cameo pieces. No wonder he wore a sleeveless shirt under this suit jacket.

All the Doms finished hanging up their jackets and began mingling around the bar getting drinks. I stood with the other subs as we finished removing our clothes. Some collared subs walked back over to their Doms for direction; one woman crawled. Those of us without a partner sat together. We chatted about how good the dinner was, and what new sex blogs we’re reading. It was nice to sit and chat with them, but I kept an eye on the tattooed Dom.

He didn’t appear to have a sub, the was sitting with a few other guys at the bar. I kept watching him and telling myself to go talk to him. My confidence just wasn’t letting me get out of the chair. One of the other subs saw me staring and encouraged me to at least go say ‘hi’. She didn’t recognize him as a regular. I told her that I really like his tattoo; she told me that that was a good start. I felt like a teenager wanting to tell a boy I liked him.

I’m sure it was because I was staring, but one of the Doms he was sitting with noticed me and pointed me out. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I thought about crawling, like the one earlier sub, but I thought that would be a bit too much for an initial meeting. So I set my drink down (luckily just water as I’m sure alcohol would have made me even more nervous) and walked over to the bar. He had turned toward me when the Dom pointed out my staring, but I still bowed my head as I approached.

“Hello. My name is Rye. I really like your tattoo.”

“Hello Rye. My name is Stephen. I like your tattoo as well. Is that why you were watching me?” I was pretty sure the shade of red that my face turned was evidence enough, but nodded anyway. He smiled. “Would you like to come sit with us Rye? We were actually just talking about Master/slave tattoos.”

I smiled and knelt down on the floor. If I’m honest, about half out of respect and half because there wasn’t an empty chair. Stephen smiled at my gesture and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. It was very sweet and I could feel nervousness subside a bit. The conversation quickly returned to lock and key tattoos. I just sat and listened for awhile, but when Stephen asked my opinion I had an answer ready.

“Kink tattoos in general really appeal to me. I have a tattoo that represents my submission as a whole, but I would be hesitant to get a name, kink or otherwise, tattooed on me. I prefer symbols to represent a person or relationship, rather than a name. You can remember a period in your life for it’s good points, but sometimes a name can carry a negative weight.”

“See Stephen, if you were smart like her you wouldn’t have had to get that huge cover up on your arm to remove your ex-wife’s name.” A few of the other Doms chuckled and my eyes went wide. I was so afraid that I had offended him with my opinionated mouth. I sighed at my own stupidity and waited to be sent back to my sub’s table.

Instead, Stephen reached down and rubbed my shoulder. When I looked up he nodded to let me know he wasn’t mad. He traced one of my larger cameos and followed the lace down my arm.

“Rye, would you like to get a drink and private table with me?”

Considering that I thought I had just offended him, I balked for a brief moment. His face was so kind, however, that that concern vanished quickly. “That would be wonderful. Could I have a cream soda please, I have to drive home?”

Stephen ordered our drinks, helped me up, and led me to an empty table across the room.

“I didn’t even know they had cream soda here.” He said as he pulled out a chair to let me know that I didn’t have to kneel on the floor.

“Yeah, they get it from a local brewery that also makes a root beer. It’s quite good. One of the bartenders recommended it when I said I was tired of being the DD who always got diet pepsi, now it’s all I order.”

“Sounds like you could teach me a lot of the hidden gems of this place. How long have you been coming here?”

“About three years. A previous partner brought me for demo sessions, but when he moved on and stopped coming I stayed. I like the community here.”

“I’ve been coming to Dom meetings here for a few months, but this is my first member dinner.”

“Well, I hope you’ll keep coming. Assuming, of course, I stop making a fool of myself with my comments and opinions.”

“Don’t even worry about it. It was my own fault for getting her name tattooed on me in the first place. It was supposed to be a surprise for her and she hated it. Guess I should have know then.”

“Whoever did your cover-up did a great job. It looks amazing. I have a huge thing for rope, so it caught my eye immediately.”

“You don’t say. Well, you should see some of my other tattoos.” He leaned back in his chair and took a drink.

“Yes, please.” I grinned as he smiled at me. A jolt of excitement and nervousness ran through me. I set my drink down on the table as my hands were starting to shake a bit.

I really wish I had asked for something a bit stronger than cream soda.

To be continued…

See what others are writing about tattoos this week by clicking below.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Define Your Kink: Day 12

#12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

I do not include any financial aspects as part of my submission. If anything, I’m a sucker for a gift. A lot of that could be ignorance. I don’t know too much about the basics of financial submission.

One of the big reasons I’ve always shied away from it is the simple fact that I don’t have money. I have to pay my mortgage and buy food for a house full of boys; my birthday money this year went to pay my electric bill. It’s not glamorous, but it’s my life.

I would love to be able to buy gifts for Sir. I always enjoy making people smile with a thoughtful present to lift their day. If you know those people who remember something you said that you really wanted and give it to you months later; that’s me. Christmas tends to be a stressful time for me; not because I lack ideas, but that I lack the funds to really get everyone what I would love to give them.

I’m not sure that really falls under the umbrella as financial dominance though. And I think that just me calling it financial dominance rather than financial submission just highlights my ignorance of it. Like I’m trying to distance myself from it in every possible way. I wouldn’t mind learning about it as part of general kink research, but I think at the same time I’m afraid of it.

Over the last year I’ve started to become more and more fearful of new kinks. Not out of judgment or disgust, but out of the reality that I may never get to experience them. I am afraid that if I delve into something new that I’ll love it and want to try it. My long-distance Dom is balancing two submissives, so adding all sorts of new kinks isn’t really an option. And my husband has completely walked away from kink. I see finances as complicated in a basic, every day context. Trying to engage him with D/s in something that can already be overwhelming doesn’t seem like a smart idea.

The fact that I have had a tight budget throughout my life makes financial submission a hard thing for me to grasp. While the idea of gift giving is a real joy, I’m pretty sure the kink goes much deeper than that. And aside from my amazon wish list I think I would just be out of my depth.

Check out my other 30 Days of Kink and consider answering them yourself.

Pulling Back

So I’ve started masturbating about 3-4 times a week lately. Some sessions are better than others. The other night I probably could have squirted had I pushed myself. But I often pull back from really letting go. Not sure what sort of insecurity that’s pulling from, but it always catches me. Maybe I just feel like I don’t deserve it. Or just the idea of letting go like that on my own doesn’t feel right. Like I need to have permission, or I need someone else to ground me.

I guess if I’m honest with myself it’s about trust. I have to believe that it’s okay to actually enjoy myself rather than just looking for a quick orgasm so I can sleep. Something to take the edge off. Not necessarily something that I would actually enjoy.

Do you pull yourself back when you’re on your own?

Hug those you Love

Sorry for the absence lately. We had an unexpected death in the family and it’s been hectic. Part of the issue, with the emotional loss being obvious, is that my uncle passed away in south Florida. So we can’t get down there. Funeral arrangements are on hold until the hurricane has passed and damage has been assessed. Hopefully we can get things sorted out, though I don’t see me going down for the funeral. A new job and a very limited budget don’t really allow for flights. And I honestly don’t want to think about the price of tickets over the next few weeks anyway.

I hope to get back to writing soon. I actually have a few new thoughts and pieces brewing in my head. Take care and hug those you love.

Define Your Kink: Day 11

#11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

“What Service Means to Me” – a report by Rye

Sorry, I know that sounds bratty, but that’s the first thing that popped in my head.

I think part of my initial reaction to this question is my frustration with the first sentence. Expectations are what got me into this mess. Walking into a new D/s relationship with all manner of expectations when I (and my partner) knew little to nothing about what we were really getting into. But my own ‘research’ of reading BDSM romance novels and sex blogs also gave me an unrealistic idea of what I should be experiencing. Fantasies of having my body used as a footrest or cleaning the house in a maids outfit filled my head. And while we did attempt these activities (once, but there are photos), it never really worked out.

I do consider that service is large part of what draws me to submission. Helping to make my partner/dominant more comfortable always makes me happy. The idea of having that activity monitored and/or ordered makes me even happier. Just thinking about completing a task given to me to make someone else’s day more relaxing makes me gooey. And obviously feeling gooey is nice. But there is just a certain satisfaction about completing something that you know someone appreciates. When I do dishes and no one cares it’s hard to stay motivated. However, if someone is checking my work or asking if I completed something, I know they are interested and invested.

As far as service in general, I define it as an activity, either ordered or not, to better the surroundings or life of my Sir. This can include anything from rubbing his feet to make sure the kid’s are quiet. Giving him quiet time to be alone up to and including making sure my body is always ready for his use.

I do love being ready for use 🙂

Check out my other Define Your Kink questions here.

Commandon’t

I remember reading all sorts of BDSM novels and short stories when I first found kink. They, or a great number of them, all had scenes where a sub would have to remove their underwear in some public place. Or possibly go commando with ben-wa balls or some other insert-able toy. It was either a struggle as the sub felt embarrassed or was immediately wet; sometimes both. I’ll admit, I was a little incredulous.

Maybe it’s my stage in life, or the fact that I’ve had two kids, but my self body image doesn’t allow for too much commando possibility. I don’t blame my kids entirely, my self-esteem was not super high before I became a mom. However, since then, the idea of not having underwear seems more a safety hazard than a sexy time. Which, if you were going for the embarrassment factor could work. I guess I feel like I would just feel uncomfortable and miserable too. Though I guess that could change with the rest of the outfit too. If I was in a billowy skirt or something that could be a different story. However, for me personally, I would need to lose quite a bit of weight to really feel as sexy as I would want to.

Don’t get me wrong, I think going commando can be really sexy. I think it’s underrated on men as well.  And it often feels like going commando is a common D/s theme. With the right person, I can see how it could very goo inducing. I think it’s a perfect date night or dinner party activity.

I think I just spend all my time either at work or with my kids. Neither of these activities would be made better by not having my underwear. And, unless I’m sleeping, don’t even get me started on not wearing a bra. I haven’t been able to go without support in public since I was ten.

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Define Your Kink: Day 10

#10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Okay, I had to ask Sir for clarification on this one, because it just wasn’t clicking for me. I always look at BDSM as a whole lifestyle, but he reminded me that it’s merely an acronym. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochsim. And while the D and s take on double duty, they don’t necessarily cross over for everyone.

My submission, at least as I’ve been about to determine touches on each of the aspects of BDSM. I consider myself a submissive in the realms of both bondage and discipline. I enjoy both and find a a lot of satisfaction in a submissive place in both realms. In bondage I have found I get into subspace easier and love the marks. But discipline offers a fulfillment that I don’t get anywhere else. It’s a release  of stress that only discipline from my Sir can provide.

Dominance and Submission is a pretty easy one. This is generally what I think of when someone says BDSM. My submission is about giving myself to someone and trusting that they will take care of me. It’s a beautiful feeling when it works and one that I haven’t been able to find any other way (though I’m not one to try hard drugs).

Sadism and Masochism is hard one for me work my head around. But I think that’s only because it’s in direct conflict with my upbringing. The idea of letting (or in many cases encouraging) someone to hurt me is something I’m sure I will always have trouble explaining. There is something about the surrender though. It’s along the lines of bondage and discipline, these aspects often intersect. But it’s about the trust and letting myself just be in the moment.

I think all pieces of BDSM factor into my complete submission. While I’m sure I could be happy without having my nipples pinched or my ass spanked, I don’t know if I would be satisfied. The intervening time I spent without a dominant were some of my lowest. And even now that I have found someone (a lovely someone) to take on that role for me, there are still missing bits of BDSM that pull at me. But this time is also allowing my submission to grow and change. Maybe Sir will help me discover that I don’t need all aspects of BDSM, or help me figure out a way to have it all.

Check out the other Days of Kink that I’ve done and those I have yet to answer on my Define Your Kink page.

Flying High

For some it’s purely about altitude, but for me it’s about the feeling of weightlessness.

Bound, hooded, and flying high for his pleasure.

Rye in rope bondage, hooded and dangled for view.

 

Check out how everyone else is flying this week for Wicked Wednesday!

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

**So as not to scare or give the wrong impression, I am not, in fact, being suspended in the picture above. Please use caution when using any form of bondage or suspension.

Define Your Kink: Day 9

#9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Yes, yes, yes, and giddy.

I love structure. I like to know the expectations of my Sir and work my hardest to exceed each one. The consistency that comes with rules and limits is my happy place.

When my husband and I tried D/s I think that I expected structure. I didn’t communicate this well; I’m not sure I knew what I wanted then. I wanted follow up for rules and tasks and couldn’t really verbalize that in a way that he understood. So instead I would pout and neither of us would have a good time.

Looking back I’ve realized that that what’s was missing for me. There were no limits. I was rarely, if ever, told no. And I think it made things harder for me. I never felt like I was led. Like he was actually looking out for me and instead just placating what he thought I wanted. When really, I just wanted him to take me in hand. To help me lose weight and be healthy and happy because that’s what he wanted for me.

I would love someone to help me help myself. It’s hard for me to make distinctions sometimes with that I need rather than what I want. I am often led by my emotions and that isn’t always best. That’s why I think I would do better with those strict rules and expectations. Part of my issue, I think, is that my expectations of myself are too high. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard which generally means that I’m always beating myself up for not doing better. So the idea that someone would be willing to take on that for me seems blissful.

Check my other Define Your Kink posts so far and the questions I have yet to answer.

He is my Sir

Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.

Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.

One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.

Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.

I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.

I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.

As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.