Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Object of My Desire

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was about Trust. My post was about BDSM relationships generally. Another response, this one by Stella Kiink, looked much closer about trust and honesty in talking about desire. See her entire post here. But a few statements in her piece rung true for me.

“We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.”

I completely agree with that, as much as I wish it wasn’t correct. I also find myself holding back from asking. It’s myself that I don’t trust, not him. I know that he would never judge me. And, even if he cannot give me everything that I desire, I know he won’t laugh or outright reject any request. It can still be difficult to form the words to explain a fantasy or need clearly; I often leave out the most important part, making it impossible for him to fulfill the desire completely. I handicap him before he even starts. And even though I don’t blame him, I know that when he doesn’t get that perfect reaction he blames himself. I hurt him when I don’t trust myself enough to be honest.

Stella also discusses how she is honest with her readers. Her willingness to share with her readers is also a mirror held to my face. Even though Sir reads this, I hate the idea that he is learning things for the first time on this blog, rather than direct from my lips. I will say that it is somewhat comforting that I am not the only one guilty of this transgression.

So I am trying to go with a clean slate. Below, like Stella (and some I stole from her), are several of my current fantasies and desires. Hopefully a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure Sir will pull a few more out of me. But after this I will do my best not hold on to any of them, especially not from him. And, since it’s easier, for whatever reason, from you either.

I want to be desired
I want to be spoiled
I want to be used, repeatedly
I want to be forced to cum, over and over
I want you to photograph me
I want to feel as sexy as you think I am
I want to beg for everything you choose to give me
I want to crawl
I want to be everything that you want me to be
I want to be punished until I cry
I want you to talk dirty to me
I want to be covered in your cum in public
I want to be your princess and your slut
I want to be one of those subs that you masturbate to

Feel free to judge if you want, I can’t hear you laughing.

My Happy Place

I lay curled up under the covers. I won’t be warm for long and I am not going to waste the opportunity. It’s a peaceful quiet as I hear Sir pull everything from the drawer he will need. Clinking cuffs and rope bundles are placed at the foot of the bed, I can feel the weight of them on my feet.

He pulls the covers off of me as my temperature drops and anticipation grows.
I am in for an amazing evening.

Preserving Human Dignity or Crushing Sexual Freedoms?

I will do my best to not pile my political views on you through this blog. I know this is a bit different from my standard offerings, but I can’t get this out of my head. So I choose to dump it into yours. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. I will try to keep my liberal agenda to a minimum (I can’t even write that without laughing).

On December 1st, 2014 the British government enacted new legislation called the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014. Codenamed by many as the Anti-porn Law. Living in the U.S., this addendum to the Communications Act of 2003 didn’t get much press from mainstream news. But BDSM organizations all over the country moved to support their UK communities from these new, harsher rules. It’s been a couple of months since these regulations went into effect, and I’ve had some time to stew on what the larger ramifications will be for our friends across the pond as well as here. As I prepare for my own visit to the British Isles I am curious to know how the kink community is doing there.

– The Basics –
 

The Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 attempts to restrict Video on Demand (VoD) and other on-line pornography websites to the same regulations and rating system that purchasable porn DVDs currently face. Salable DVDs at porn and sex stores in the UK have been unable to show any of the below acts since the Communications Act of 2003. It was decided that the online community was just as accessible to children and therefore needed the same oversight. They decided that some content was deemed not acceptable, even for a R18 rating (See pg. 24). The below will not be able to be produced in the UK per the rating regulations:

• material which is in breach of the criminal law, including material judged to be obscene under the current interpretation of the Obscene Publications Act 1959

• material (including dialogue) likely to encourage an interest in sexually abusive activity which may include adults role-playing as non-adults

• the portrayal of sexual activity which involves real or apparent lack of consent. Any form of physical restraint which prevents participants from indicating a withdrawal of consent

• the infliction of pain or acts which may cause lasting physical harm, whether real or (in a sexual context) simulated. Some allowance may be made for moderate, non-abusive, consensual activity

• penetration by any object associated with violence or likely to cause physical harm

• sexual threats, humiliation or abuse which do not form part of a clearly consenting role-playing game. Strong physical or verbal abuse, even if consensual, is unlikely to be acceptable.

The changes also restrict specific activities from being shown on UK websites. To clarify, viewers can still watch material produced by foreign companies, only UK producers are being restricted. These producers will not be able to create content which includes any of the below:

• Spanking/Caning
• Aggressive whipping
• Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of  if consensual)
• Urolagnia (known as “water sports”)
• Physical restraint
• Humiliation
• Female ejaculation
• Strangulation
• Face-sitting
• Fisting

This legislation was drafted and enacted in less than one month (if only the U.S. government could do anything so quickly). It was not advertised or debated very publicly and outcry regarding it has grown significantly since it went into effect. 
 
– Devil’s Advocate –
 

I’m sure it won’t surprise you that this section will be quite short. Basically, the only thing I could come up with for this argument is that hard copy DVDs have had these same regulations since 2003. This act just makes the VoD and DVD companies follow the same rules, making things ‘fair’ in the porn business world. And after I came up with this weak rebuttal I immediately started refuting it in my head. Mostly, why are these regulations in effect for anything, DVDs or VoD. But, give me credit, I tried to see their motivation.

 – Opinion –
 
There is a reality, that this regulation will put a number of independent companies out of business. They will either have to move to another country to create their content or just stop completely. That is the top layer of issues with this. They quietly passed these regulations that affect several small businesses and online ventures without considering the ramifications. Their concern of the welfare of random children seems a little misplaced. Isn’t this a parents responsibility to monitor what their children are watching? That can’t be only an Americans’ parents problem. If so, I am moving tomorrow.
 
Then there is the crack down on all things BDSM. They even go so far as to stipulate that consent doesn’t matter. Any type of age play is prohibited; does that mean that you can’t even call a Dom ‘Daddy’? Some parts of the regulations are vague and some exceedingly specific. Like the restriction on ‘physical or verbal abuse, regardless of consent’. I cannot even begin to process that. It covers everything. Everything fun anyway. So VoD porn in the UK will now just consist of two smiling people having sex, on a comfy bed, whispering sweet nothings, or better yet, just not talking at all. And I love the fact that the strangulation, face-sitting, and fisting fall under acts the BBFC views as potentially “life-endangering”. I want to see the documentation on how many people have died from face-sitting. 
 
But, most upsetting, is how this legislation seems to focus on the activities and pleasures of women. I can’t say it better than Slate.com did in their article on the subject. It’s just hard to take that somehow female ejaculation is offensive, but male ejaculation is par for the course. The government has taken a random stab at restricting content creation on the internet, but their choices of what’s bad for the youth of the UK seem to focus too much on women in power. 
 
This regulation says a lot more about those making the rules rather than those they are trying to protect. And their misguided attempts are hurting a number of small companies and individuals just expressing themselves online and trying to make a living. The focus on traditionally BDSM activities seems unnecessary, especially as they remove the concept of consent. How do you put a name to that kind of trust? It’s more than a marriage, more than a relationship. It’s a connection. It sounds cheesy, I know. And the content of spanking, physical restraints, or specifically, female ejaculation doesn’t really seem like a direct cause of sexual misconducts.
 
This isn’t my government, and I’m not a porn producer, but this whole thing makes me sad. Sad that a government thinks that kink is automatically bad. That the very idea of female pleasure needs to be protected from children’s view for their well-being. Like somehow female ejaculation will corrupt the youth of today. And it’s hard to accept that an activity that I love is regulated so heavily to ‘protect children’. 
 
I wish the few content creators that I know in the UK the best as they try to work with these new rules. And I hope that when future regulations are put on content creators, in any country, at least they will be based on valid statistics and not fear mongering or moral fallacies. 

Evolved Relationships

I started about ten different posts on Trust for this week’s Wicked Wednesday post. All with the same general statements about BDSM and trusting your partner. I wasn’t really happy with any of them. It’s the same stuff everyone writes about. I trust him to beat me and take care of me. He trusts me to let him. I’m not trying to make fun of that stuff, it is important.

But trust is more than that. It’s pushing, pulling, forcing. It’s draining everything I have because he wants it. It’s taking and taking and taking and knowing that I will always give more.

How do you put a name to that kind of trust? It’s more than a marriage, more than a relationship. It’s a connection. It sounds cheesy, I know. But you can have these connections with many people; you don’t have to be married or even committed (in traditional sense). Dominant/Submissive relationships are special.

See, we’re not a depraved section of society. We maintain relationships that, when done correctly, require complete trust and honesty. I would love to see the statistics of D/s relationships that end due to infidelity. I get that people fall out and grow apart. But if a Dominant and Submissive are being honest and trust each other with the truth, then maybe it’s not as messy as traditional relationships. Is that crazy?

I’ll just pretend that since we’ve entered the world of kink that Sir and I are more evolved somehow. That this step into BDSM is a higher connection for the two of us requiring more than the standard amount of trust. Or, maybe I just want to feel better about being called a sexual deviant in modern society. I’m cool with running with the evolved theory.

Wicked Wednesday

Drip, Drip, Drip

The blood mixed with her tears and saliva in a pool on the tile floor. Her eyes were glazing, but he knew she wasn’t yet in subspace. She would be worrying about the mess more than the pain. She was such a silly little sub. A sexy, sweaty bleeding creature. He brought his belt back for another swing. Her cry made it cock twitch.

He was the one who had shied away from cutting her. His inexperience didn’t bother her. And he was impressed how much he could make the three shallow cuts on her lower back bleed. A strike on her ass opened the slices just enough.
If he was honest he was the one losing stamina. And his erection was starting to hurt as the blood turned him on more than he thought it would. But, he also wanted her to find release. She had endured a lot for him. That quick orgasm before the knife came out seemed long ago now.
He struck her again. He watched her body struggle against the straps. Her legs were shaking; even though the bench held most of her weight. He dropped the belt were she would be able to see it. He grabbed her left hip and ran his right hand between her folds. Her ass was high enough in the air that the blood ran up her back to drip off her shoulders rather than down. So he knew her wetness was due solely to her arousal.
He couldn’t wait any longer. He picked up her legs at the thigh as he entered her. She bent her knees to keep her legs up. Her sweat made her slide forward and back on the leather bench as he slammed into her with growing speed.
“You have my permission to cum, but you better work fast.” He had hardly finished the statement before she began grinding against him. Her moans and cries only pushed his release. He was a little surprised when he heard her telltale orgasmic cry. She had been closer than even he realized. But her pulses triggered his climax. he gripped her thighs tighter through his final thrusts. Finger bruises there would be a beautiful visual reminder for her since the cut marks would be out of view. He set her legs down and pulled out of her.
“I want to get some photos of how gloriously I have ruined you; can you take a few more minutes for your Sir?”
“Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir”
After an extensive photoshoot, he unclipped the straps across her chest and helped her up. Rather than risk her falling or slipping on the wet tile. He gently lifted and carried her straight into the shower. After washing her body and cleaning the cuts with soap, he toweled her off and tucked her into bed. Her cuts were already closing, so he just lotioned her back, butt, and beautifully red thighs and climbed in next to her.
“Sir, may I please go clean up? If everything sits all night it will take twice as long tomorrow as everything will have dried.”
“No, you may not. Currently, your warm, supple body pleases me. I will give you the time you require to clean tomorrow. And the extra elbow grease will help remind you of how well I marked you.”
“Yes, Sir.”
“You are so beautiful. Beaten and sore. You always please me. My insatiable pain slut. I have the sudden urge to taste you. Or should I let you sleep?”
“Anything you want, Sir.” Her words implied compliance, but her desires were evident by her hips leaning against my leg. Her pussy was wet, but not dripping. As he kissed his way down her stomach he said, “Don’t worry my little slut, I’ll let you clean the floor so I can cover it in your blood again tomorrow night.” She moaned and he could see her cunt clench and moisten.
“Now that’s more like it.”
*                  *                    *
Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction. Hopefully erotic, but fiction none the less. I do not currently participate in blood play and I had difficulty researching foundational basics. This is just what the phrase brings to mind for me. Please do not take this as any sort of guide and research/be safe when playing yourself.
 

Afternoon Delight

“Come with me down to the basement to help me move laundry.” A seemingly common statement for most people. Not for me.

When we got to the basement, we responsibly moved the laundry (because why make two trips). Sir pushed me down on the washer and pulled down my pants and underwear.

“Count.” I made it to nine before my voice cracked. And ten shot me straight into bawling. My cold, dry bare skin stung so bad. After a few quick massages he started again. Another three swats and tears were flowing. It hurt. But as he finished the second round of ten I felt this calming sensation. Not any kind of turned on feeling, but this sense of purpose and satisfaction.

“Go upstairs.” The walk up the stairs hurt, but I kept moving to avoid any ‘encouragement’. He pushed me down onto my knees next to the bed. “Your lips are soft, you will now suck me off. If your lips tighten up then I will have to soften them up again.” They must have stayed soft for awhile, because he let me go to town. Eventually he yanked my hair until I leaned back. He pulled me up to my feet and forced me down on the bed.

“Five more, you can do five more right?” I cried through five more before he slammed into me. He wrapped his hand around my hair. My moans and tears must be sexier than I give them credit for. The tears were still running down my face as I cleaned him off.

Before he let me get dressed he rubbed lotion on my poor red ass. He gave me a chocolate truffle, told me I was a good little slut and sent me downstairs. We cuddled up with the kids (him on the couch, me on the floor) and he petted my hair until he had to go back to work.

I’m not sure I have ever felt so useful. So loved that he would use me.

Now off to do dishes and avoid sitting for a few hours days.

Pillow Talk

Wednesday’s may be taking the lead for my favorite day of the week. My ‘maintenance orgasm’ turned into five orgasms and some amazing play. Masturbation while he is watching is so much easier. And his hands slipping in every once and awhile are definitely nice too.

But I had this weird realization. I needed nipple play to cum. Either he or I need to be pinching or pulling or sucking for me to get there. And this realization shot me back to a conversation Sir and I had a week or so ago.

*              *              *               *

We were laying in the bed. We had just finished some amazing sex. He slapped me a bunch and made me cry and we climaxed together in a blaze of moaning glory. Sir and I have always been really good at orgasming together during sex, apparently other couples do not do this as standard. But we’ve gotten pretty used it.

So Sir is laying there, after I cleaned him off (a new rule to suck him clean after everything but anal sex). And he looked at me and says, “I am worried that a day will come that I will need to make you hurt for me to cum”. I was silent for about ten minutes, not knowing what to say. I think he thought he freaked me out, but he didn’t. I’ve often thought the same thing. Wondering if there will be a day when I can’t orgasm without my nipples being pinched until I whimper. I haven’t been hiding the fear from him (against the rules), but I guess I’ve been avoiding thinking about the possible reality.

I didn’t want him to think I was mad or worried. “Would that be a bad thing? To one day need my full submission in order to get release? Would it concern you if I said I was quickly getting to the point that needed your dominance in order to cum?” I didn’t want to scare him either, but honesty is a rule.

He just looked at me and smiled. Like we both came to the conclusion at the same time that we have passed the point of no return.

*              *              *                *
And last night I guess I passed the point of needing kink. I’m not ashamed of it. I love kinky me. But there is an element of fear. I don’t really think Sir will change his mind someday, it’s not that. But just a general fear of what could happen in the future. It’s more a fear of me not living up to my own kinky expectations. Worried I will burn out or something. Not really, I can’t get enough. Sometimes I just say things to make myself smile.

Motivation: Round 2

Hit the ground running this morning. Lots to do. He set a task to have 60,000 steps by the end of the month and I have not been meeting quota the last few days. So lots of jogging around the house today trying to get extra steps in. I just love his exercise tasks (sarcasm drips).

The house hold has been light in kink lately. Five weeks. Five more weeks and we may get back to some semblance of normal around here. I think I might start a countdown.

Hope everyone has a good kinky week. I’ve been doing a lot of writing to channel my thoughts. That and snow shoveling are taking up most of my time. But busy is good. And I know that he misses the kink as much as I do. But, life happens. At least it only happens for the next five weeks.

Now laundry and dishes to do while jogging a couple thousand steps. I love Sir and the tasks he gives me to better myself and strengthen my submission.

And if I repeat that about 100 times I might stop laughing when I say it.

Room 212, Part 2

Because the 1000 word limit was driving me crazy. I loved the Wicked Wednesday challenge this week, and just fell into this story and couldn’t stop. Thanks to Sir for the grammatical edits. Even I couldn’t keep up with what I was saying a few times.

Later that night

“Please Sir, please let me cum.” Sophia paused from licking Alice’s clit only to beg. Samuel slapped her ass hard as he rammed into her.

“Not yet, my pet. I can see that Alice is quite close and I would hate to deprive her.” Alice was impressed that his speed and power as his thrusts didn’t slow even as he answered Sophia’s request. And each thrust pushed Sophia’s tongue deeper between her thighs. And, more surprisingly, Samuel was right about how close she was. But the thought of keeping Sophia from her orgasm seemed mean. The whole idea of the evening was to rack up the orgasms, but this couple had a different type of connection than Alice has seen before. He knew what every high pitched moan of her’s meant, and she responded to the smallest eyebrow twitch or finger lift from him. It was one of the sexiest things that she had ever seen. And their attention on her was making this evening better than any threesome she had ever had.

Samuel gave a grunt, pulled his cock from Sophia and decorated her back with cum. His look of sheer pleasure pushed Alice over the edge and she came moments later. Sophia kissed her way up Alice’s stomach. Her hunger evident and Alice quickly realized that Sophia had been denied release. She looked at Samuel, feeling like she needed permission somehow. Samuel’s nod indicated that he knew exactly what she was asking. Not wasting time, Alice pulled Sophia’s face up to meet hers. Sophia tried to turn find Samuel, but Alice stopped her.

Alice grinned. “You’re mine now.”

Sophia’s eyes widened with lust and possibly a little fear. Alice knew Sophia wouldn’t relax without Samuel’s permission. She looked up to find Samuel cleaning himself off. He met Alice’s gaze, walked over and smacked Sophia’s ass. With this silent acquiescence, Sophia relaxed into Alice’s body. Samuel laughed and walked to the side of the bed to get comfortable.

Alice felt weird about the permissions, but also really hot somehow. She rolled Sophia over as she kissed up her stomach. Stroking up her thigh she found Sophia wet and ready. Alice slid two fingers across Sophia’s clit and earned a small moan. She was so turned on by the noise, she moved slower this time, trying to get the same response. Sophia melted into Alice’s hand as her tongue crushed into her mouth.

Alice’s hand started to move faster as her other hand found Sophia’s breast. She pinched her nipple and smiled as the moans grew deeper. She glanced around Sophia’s ear to see Samuel watching them. His eyes were intense as he lay casually on the spare bed. She wanted to encourage him to join them, but his gaze stayed on his wife’s body. Sophia’s breath quickened, but Alice slowed her hand. She let go of the nipple and reached out to Samuel’s leg. She grabbed his calf and pulled him toward them. Not much more direct than that. At least she didn’t have to stop kissing Sophia. She didn’t think he would take verbal orders well. But the physical gesture worked as intended. Almost immediately she felt him move in behind Sophia. One hand grabbed the nipple that Alice had been ignoring and the other found Alice’s hip. The grip with which he held on to her was more of a turn on than she would have thought. But she couldn’t get distracted, Sophia needed her.

Alice could feel how close Sophia was. She resumed her previous speed with her thumb grazing Sophia’s clit and the others trying to enjoy all the area that Samuel’s cock had previously softened. Her tight, wet opening was racing toward orgasm.

“Cum for me, my pet. Cum so she can see how beautiful you are as you shatter.” Samuel had hardly finished the sentence as Sophia screamed her release. She shuttered in both their arms as every muscle tightened and relaxed into a beautiful puddle. Alice brushed her hair back and rolled her into Samuel’s arms.

“He is right, you are quite possibly even more beautiful when you come.” Alice smiled and rolled off the bed. Samuel smiled up at her as he wrapped Sophia in the blanket and rose himself. Their exchanged glance told her the evening was over, which suited her sore muscles and tired eyes just fine.

“Are you happy you spent the evening with us Alice?” Samuel handed her a bottle of water and collected her dress and shoes as she drank a few sips.

“More than I even imagined. Thank you both. If it’s not too forward, please let me know the next time you are in town. I would love have to do dinner with you both if you have time.” By Samuel’s grin, he understood everything that her invitation for dinner entailed.

“Of course, here’s my business card with Sophia’s cell on the back. We’d love to hear from you if you’re ever in Boston.” He helped her zip up her dress and walked her to the door.

“Please tell Sophia that I would love to be her toy anytime. Goodnight.” He laughed as she gave him a peck on the cheek and walked down the hall toward the elevator doors. She kept smiling until her head hit her pillow forty-five minutes later.

*          *           *
“Really, at that same conference mixer where you met me?” Peter’s eyes were wide, but not angry.
“Yeah, that’s where I was going when you ran into me at the elevators.” Alice tried to read his face, to see if he was hoping for something exclusive or not. This type of conversation could determine that quickly.
Peter shrugged. “So, I guess it wouldn’t be terribly inappropriate of me to invite you back to my and my girlfriend’s place after dinner. If you would like to, of course.”
…So not exclusive then.