Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Looks



http://kinkandpoly.com/kinkoftheweek/

Sir has a ‘you better stop now or you’ll regret it’ look. I’m not sure when he picked it up, it was just there one day when I said something I shouldn’t have. Secretly, sometimes I push just to see that look. He gets really serious in that moment and it is really sexy.

But…there is another look. A look that he gives me when he has just gotten a really dirty thought. There is this smile with his eyes that matches the smirk on this face and it is heavenly. You get this feeling of being devoured by just a look. And when he does it in public, I just want to melt into a puddle at his feet. I know that that is why he does it, but I don’t care. He can make me submissive goo with that look. And I love it. I would do anything to earn that look as much as I would do a lot to avoid the ‘you’re in trouble now’ look. They are the two sides of his kinky mind. Each has the power to turn me on and scare me. They make me feel sexy and owned. Cherished by everything he shares with me.

I cannot imagine my life without either of these looks. Even the one that tells me that I will pay for whatever I have just done or said, because that makes his devouring look even more special and worth earning.

The Key to Happiness

Step One: Find someone you want to fuck.

Pretty obvious and relatively easy. If you have a romantic notion or were raised by Disney, you are going to have a tougher time. I was lucky enough to have the romantic notion and still find the perfect guy for me. And don’t worry, Sir has fucked out all of the Disney.

Step Two: Marry them.

This step is optional, but a good tax incentive none the less. For us it was an easy choice. We had a great party, I got a pretty diamond, and we only went into a small amount of debt.

Step Three: Take six years to figure it out.

Don’t get me wrong, our sex was always good. But with both of us going through grad school, moving four times, and two pregnancies, life happens. We have both changed so much since we met, but we haven’t grown apart. I hate to admit this, because people in the lifestyle will laugh, but Fifty Shades of Grey changed me. I’ll confess everything in a post someday, but let’s just say that the book made me consider a different part of myself. A lot of research and a confession from Sir that he has always had an interest in a BDSM lifestyle brought us to now. A long journey to be sure.

Step Four: Fuck until your dick falls off.*

Repeat, repeat, dear god repeat.

Step Five: Profit.

I wouldn’t change our journey for anything and I am so happy we made it here. I am jealous of those out there who knew who they were in their early twenties, who have all the experience and the social standing in the community. But we’ll get there. And we will just keep repeating step four until we do.

*No dicks were harmed (too badly) in the writing of this post. I mean, I’m sure it’s really sore today, but I’m almost positive that it hasn’t fallen off. He would tell me.

Wicked Wednesday

Secret Sexy Christmas

For the last few years Sir and I have celebrated Secret Sexy Christmas. This mini-holiday was created so that we could exchange presents of a sexual and BDSM nature that we would not have to open in front of other people. It’s usually just one thing, and not huge bondage furniture that would break the budget. But it’s a nice way for us to focus on each other, and we always get one another something to open in front of family too.

In the past there has been lingerie and rope. One year I got him a nice cane and sewed myself a short skirt. He was pleased. This year, with our contract finally sorted and pregnancy no longer in the mix, I really wanted to give him something special. BDSM has always been on hold in our lives because of various other issues. We are finally getting to really dive into this aspect of our relationship and I want him to know that I am serious about it.

However, since he reads this, I can’t tell you what I bought him yet, but maybe after the holiday I will have fun new pictures to post. 🙂

Wishing everyone a happy Secret Sexy Christmas!

Sappy Sub

I don’t apologize for the fact that I am emotional, but sometimes I even surprise myself with my sappiness.

Last night we had a great scene. We are going to be visiting family for the rest of the week, so getting quality playtime probably won’t happen. We wanted to make the most of last night, and Sir did not disappoint. Not sure that it will last the whole week, but I am too insatiable for my own good.

Our house isn’t frigid, but I tend to get cold pretty easily. Sir is understanding of my temperature affliction and he let me wear socks throughout our scene to help me keep some heat. I really appreciate that he thinks of those little things that don’t really change the scene, but make it more comfortable for me to focus on him.

Anyway…This morning I grabbed the socks and put them on for the day. Along with my general giddy soreness, they are keeping me in a warm glow this morning. I am running around trying to get things together before we leave tonight, so this sense memory is really helping me get through the day. Hot sex and comfy socks, Sir takes such good care of me.

 

Please Don’t Take Away My Submissive Membership Card

For those wondering, they don’t actually give out a membership card. At least, if they do, I wasn’t given one.

My title is due to my revelation and my concern that it alters my submissive label. I like being spoiled. As a submissive, I feel like all I should want to do is serve. But that is all I do. Serving Sir is one thing. But I feel like all I do now that I am home is serve my kids. I don’t have personal time, I don’t get to spoil myself. So every once and awhile I would love for Sir to spoil me.

And as soon as that craving comes along I have two immediate guilt reactions. (1) is that how can I possibly call myself a submissive when I want focus on me? And (2) how dare I insinuate that Sir isn’t taking care of me. I have this endless complex about not being a good sub. And any feeling that I somehow find unsub-like, triggers an instant worry.

But I cannot help myself from occasionally feeling ignored. Sir helps around the house when he can, and it makes a huge difference. I feel awful wanting more.

I can feel the judgement from FetLife seeping across the internet.

Nudity Requested

I rant. I can usually talk myself around to a logical conclusion, but that can take awhile. Master has learned to let me just get it out of my system. Early on in our relationship he would offer logical statements and devil’s advocate comments; my crazy does not respond well to these. So, now he just ignores me while I talk out loud and eventually I will calm myself down. Like when we let our son cry himself to sleep.

So this morning my mother sends me an article which included an interview with Jamie Dornan about the upcoming ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ movie. I won’t even go into the fact that my mom is sending me these types of articles. We have both read the books. I don’t know if she knows about Master and my sexual arrangement. It’s not something we’ve discussed. I believe that as long as everything is consensual and I am not being emotionally abused, she would be supportive.

Anyway, the article is a short interview with Jamie talking about nudity in the film. Not surprisingly, he mentions his nudity clause and how their won’t be any full frontal scenes of him. I also expect the same can be said for Dakota Johnson, but you never know. This is meant to be a mainstream movie, I don’t think anyone expected full sex sequences. As soon as the production company stated that they were shooting for an ‘R’ rating rather than an ‘NC-17’ rating, you knew that things were going to have to be toned down. I am a rational person, I can understand this.

However, it was the next question/response that set me off:

“Dornan was also asked how graphic the adaptation would be, to which he replied: “You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, ugly and graphic.”

I would think, though I don’t know for certain, that Jamie read the book before he took the role. He knew what he was getting into and the subculture that he going to be representing. I don’t believe that E.L. James wrote Christian Grey as a ‘bad guy’. And while those in the BDSM community probably don’t want him to be their poster child (Master certainly doesn’t), he is going to be bringing one side of the lifestyle into the public eye. I don’t believe that the point of the book or the upcoming movie is to convert the general public to BDSM (it helped me to realize my sexual needs, but that is another story). But Jamie, and the film’s publicity department, do need to realize that there is a community being represented. And his comments about ‘grossing’ people out does lead me to wonder if they care about that group. Making movies is about making money, I can respect that. But the fact that the main character of one of the first mainstream films to openly discuss the BDSM lifestyle uses terminology like gross, ugly, and graphic makes me very concerned.

I want to enjoy this movie. I know that it will not evoke the same feelings that the book did. But I would love if this film could open a dialogue about kink. That will not happen if the main character thinks that it is ugly. My choice of sexual pastimes is not ugly.

This film needed to be made for the millions of people who bought the books and loved the story that E.L. James was trying to tell. The fact that the story is graphic is what makes it real. And the idea that the film is trying to attract a larger audience by making it less graphic I think makes it less real.

Jamie is just giving the byline that the film’s publicity department wants him to say. They don’t want a prudish backlash to hurt their ticket sales. I guess I can respect that fear. But this movie isn’t for those people anyway, so why pander to them. I wish they made this for the fans, and were proud of that. I know that these actors have future careers and families to think about, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t appreciate and own their part in this experience and what it represents. If people were going to lose respect for him because he chose to do this movie, then it doesn’t really matter what he says.

I guess I am just disappointed that this interview makes it seem like Jamie already regrets his decision to be part of this picture. He is worried about his mates rather than the quality and reception of the film by the fans. That is not a good sign.

Ok, I have talked myself back off the ledge. I am disappointed, but not entirely surprised. It will be interesting to see how the film’s publicity hits the ground running in the new year. And since the movie won’t be ‘ugly’ or ‘graphic’, maybe I will save my money and read the book again instead.

Disappointment

With a three year old and an infant, my sex life is strained, to say the least. And with Sir and I ready to jump back into BDSM full throttle, it’s been even more stressful for us. The pregnancy put everything on hold and now the lack of sleep is continuing that trend.

So, you can imagine my joy when Sir told me that we were going to scene Sunday night…

I was literally jumping up and down as I put the kids to bed. It took Tiny longer to fall asleep as I am pretty sure he could sense my excitement, and the aforementioned jumping probably did not help. But, eventually, both boys were asleep.

Now, I cannot tell you my head space all afternoon in preparation for this. Turning my submissive head on and off with two small children is hard. It often makes me jealous of the 24/7 slaves that can just sit in that headspace. Maybe someday, like after Tiny moves out, but I digress. When dealing with my boys, I feel like being strong is essential to teaching them how to treat women. So I find myself switching back and forth to my comfortable submissive nature only when my husband and I are alone. It’s a lot more mentally draining that one would think. So the idea of sinking into subspace for a few hours sounded lovely.

So when the scene went wrong, I lost it. Scene issues are rarely just the fault of one person, but after months of half-hearted play I was so disappointed, and it was directed at myself. Sir was a champ. He just held me while I cried. He took a lot of responsibility too, but I was just so crushed. Once in my submissive headspace I want to do everything perfect. In my everyday life I could care less about dirty dishes or the last time I vacuumed, but sub me is a different story. Considering how seldom we can squeeze together time in, I was devastated that Sir did not get what he wanted. A rough night, to be sure.

With life being so crazy, I really look to my submissive side to take on all the stress relief and relaxation for the rest of me. And since she has not had the chance to come out and play, I am so tense and stressed it is driving me up the wall. I may have to break down and get a mani/pedi or a massage or something. Which may sound good to some of you, but I would take a good beating and rough sex over a massage any day. That’s a lot to put on one side of myself though. So I really need to manage my expectations and give myself a break.

I just want to find a way to move past this. I need to get over this hiccup so that we can get back on the horse. We are just getting our BDSM relationship sorted and I do not want this minor step back to be a huge derailment for us. I know Sir would not accept that, so the sooner I can let this go, the better. Fingers crossed that I can get this all out of my head before he decides that we are jumping back on the horse again.

50 Shades of Anniversaries

This week is my ’50 Shades of Grey’ anniversary. I read the trilogy for the first time this week last year. I know that for most in the BDSM lifestyle 50 Shades is a swear word, but it means the exact opposite to me. I won’t try and convert you to why I love the story and why the writing style doesn’t bother me. This novel, however, helped me to realize that I am a sexual submissive. I didn’t use this book as the be all end all of BDSM resources, I used it as a jumping off point to further exploration into what the lifestyle has to offer. People have life changing experiences all the time. Some when they visit a new city, or when they become parents. This was my first personal awakening brought on by a book, but it was an amazing experience.

After reading these books Sir and I had a large relationship shift. We both used the story to help us talk to each other and come to an agreement about how we want to change our sex life. Finding a common resource like that was invaluable to us as we embarked on these drastic changes in our relationship. It’s not perfect, but we took something away that most don’t.

I swear I am not trying to sell more copies of this book (not that E.L. James needs my help). I guess I am trying to sell the experience that I had reading it. Going through that kind of life changing event is something that I hoped to have when I did my study abroad semester. Even through various moves and our growing family, it was this book that brought about this epiphany. So these types of realizations can happen when you least expect it. Always be open to trying something new and don’t be afraid of what may come out of it. I ended up in bondage.

So…ready for my cheesy line for the day:

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

The Extremes of Sex

I am a worrier. I always have been. Every possible horrible thing that could happen to you, I’ve thought of it. I don’t troubleshoot, I just worry. I had grey hair long before I had children.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about what I would do if something happened to my husband. If he died, for whatever reason. I immediately thought that I would never want to get married again and possibly even avoid another committed relationship. As soon as this thought crossed my mind I took a step back and thought ‘wow, that’s a bit extreme’. But as I really broke it down, I don’t know if I could have another emotional relationship like I have with him. We are each other’s best friend. He and I have cried tears of sadness when our dog died and tears of joy when our sons were born. I’m not sure I could be that open with anyone again.

But, the nymphomaniac in me did stop to consider my sexual needs. And that part of me was a tad bit pissed off that it wasn’t the first thing to come to mind. But it wasn’t. And that got me thinking about emotional vs. sexual aspects of committed relationships. Sex is so integral in a committed relationship, but it’s often the most abused. Look at the divorce rate, look the number of people trying ‘open relationships’ to avoid the issues arising around adultery. And our culture puts so much emphasis on it. We have the bachelor/bachelorette parties before weddings, the ‘seven year itch’, and the constant focus on ‘spicing up your marriage bed’. Our society is determined that your married sex life must be lacking and in need of added flare to avoid cheating.

Sir believes that this is because our pre-societal ancestors were in polygamous relationships. Whether due to gender imbalance or cultural standard, he is correct. But does that really have that much affect on our interactions today? Is the divorce rate high because that many more people are unhappy in their choice of spouse or is it just more accepted now. Would more people have gotten divorced 100 years ago if it was as easy and culturally normal? I don’t believe so, but that’s just me.

Our generational gaps have placed an emphasis on different values than they used to. The clearest example is television. Programs in post-World War II America showed couples sleeping in separate beds, with limited, if any, conversation about their sexual relationship (ie. I Love Lucy). Now look at Friends, How I Met Your Mother, or Grey’s Anatomy. These shows depict sexual encounters without emotional relationships, divorce, and pillow talk. I’m not a prude, I’ve watched all these shows; my point is simply that the landscape has changed. Society is much more open about our sexual encounters and fantasies. We are also looking for more in a sexual relationship. Sexual compatibility is no longer as simple as procreation. As one who is still trying to find her place in the BDSM world, there are a million and one ways to feel sexually satisfied. And, if your partner or spouse can’t give it to you, there is someone out there who can.

Does that make us too comfortable with sex? To clarify, have individuals made their committed relationships too much about sex? I understand that for most, getting married means faithful behavior in the bedroom. Is that all it means anymore? My thought when I considered the loss of my husband was that I would never feel comfortable really crying in front of someone else. The idea of someone else seeing me naked was much further down the line. I will admit, I did think it, but loosing my partner in life was about so much more than our sexual relationship. In media it seems that that is not the case. Television and film has sex as the central issue in the start of a relationship; so much so that I think it has had irreparable effects on societal norms.

Maybe I am way off base. Maybe everyone slept around in the 1950s as well, they just didn’t talk about it. And because no one talked about it, no one got divorced because of it. Everyone had Jackie O’s dignified stance of plausible deniability.

In short, I plan to pass before Sir so he can find himself another good slave and I won’t have to worry about it.

Power of Submission

I want to start this with a disclaimer stating that I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle and my husband and I are just starting to integrate it into our lives. No statements made here are judgements or criticisms of other peoples’ relationships or definitions of words used below. These are merely my interpretations of a lifestyle choice.

I realized that I was sexual submissive about a year ago. If I had thought about it, I probably would have come to that conclusion a long time before that. After talking with Sir and doing some extensive research together, we decided to start a Dominant/Submissive relationship. He wants to take this outside of the bedroom, but I really don’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I guess I am already starting to have differing views on how this change in our relationship is going to play out.

Being a submissive doesn’t automatically mean that you have no power, i.e. doormat. Some people chose for it to mean that, but not everyone. Some take a step farther from submission and become a slave. Each relationship has it’s own parameters and limits. While I am collared, I am not a slave. My submission is only in sexual and service context and doesn’t effect our children or any large life decisions (house, job, etc.).

I would like to clarify that being a submissive (or slave, for that matter) is not easy. It’s not being walked on and jumping when my master says (mostly). And I have seen other blog comments that question ‘why would you do that’? I see it as a complete act of trust of my husband and lover. I trust that he will be caring and loving in return. That he will accept and appreciate my submission. It’s a large responsibility, but so is wearing a collar. He has given me as much power as I have given him.

Which leads me to my current conundrum: How do you deal with relationship issues that arise? When we were in a standard vanilla relationship, we just sat down and talked it out. But now, everything carries more weight to it. Honesty is still a necessity, but this is now a delicate balance of power. How do I tell him that I’m uncomfortable without upsetting the scales? How do we talk about sexual issues in this new set-up? I just don’t want this to be over before it really begins. I don’t want my submission to be seen as a ‘get out of jail free’ card whenever he screws up. Turning on the Dom voice and ordering me to clean up the mess isn’t going to fly (or is it?). And while I am perfectly happy providing for his sexual needs, a neglected sub is an unhappy sub. He has responsibilities too. And I don’t want a conversation about him shirking those responsibilities to be seen as me questioning his commitment or his trust.

I guess I am just feeling melodramatic today. Reading too many BDSM romances. Obviously ready for the weekend and a chance to get out of the house.