Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Power of Submission

I want to start this with a disclaimer stating that I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle and my husband and I are just starting to integrate it into our lives. No statements made here are judgements or criticisms of other peoples’ relationships or definitions of words used below. These are merely my interpretations of a lifestyle choice.

I realized that I was sexual submissive about a year ago. If I had thought about it, I probably would have come to that conclusion a long time before that. After talking with Sir and doing some extensive research together, we decided to start a Dominant/Submissive relationship. He wants to take this outside of the bedroom, but I really don’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I guess I am already starting to have differing views on how this change in our relationship is going to play out.

Being a submissive doesn’t automatically mean that you have no power, i.e. doormat. Some people chose for it to mean that, but not everyone. Some take a step farther from submission and become a slave. Each relationship has it’s own parameters and limits. While I am collared, I am not a slave. My submission is only in sexual and service context and doesn’t effect our children or any large life decisions (house, job, etc.).

I would like to clarify that being a submissive (or slave, for that matter) is not easy. It’s not being walked on and jumping when my master says (mostly). And I have seen other blog comments that question ‘why would you do that’? I see it as a complete act of trust of my husband and lover. I trust that he will be caring and loving in return. That he will accept and appreciate my submission. It’s a large responsibility, but so is wearing a collar. He has given me as much power as I have given him.

Which leads me to my current conundrum: How do you deal with relationship issues that arise? When we were in a standard vanilla relationship, we just sat down and talked it out. But now, everything carries more weight to it. Honesty is still a necessity, but this is now a delicate balance of power. How do I tell him that I’m uncomfortable without upsetting the scales? How do we talk about sexual issues in this new set-up? I just don’t want this to be over before it really begins. I don’t want my submission to be seen as a ‘get out of jail free’ card whenever he screws up. Turning on the Dom voice and ordering me to clean up the mess isn’t going to fly (or is it?). And while I am perfectly happy providing for his sexual needs, a neglected sub is an unhappy sub. He has responsibilities too. And I don’t want a conversation about him shirking those responsibilities to be seen as me questioning his commitment or his trust.

I guess I am just feeling melodramatic today. Reading too many BDSM romances. Obviously ready for the weekend and a chance to get out of the house.

Kink vs. Romance or Kink & Romance

Can you have kink and romance or are they always mutually exclusive? My fingers are crossed that they can be found together, at least occasionally. My husband does his best with both. It seems that most romantic novels on the subject either highlight one or the other. Very few can adequately portray a BDSM relationship, must less with any romantic twist. I have found a few that do cross the divide without being too cheesy or judgmental.

The Masters of the Shadowlands Series by Cherise Sinclair
There are currently seven books in the series that revolve around a BDSM club in Tampa, Florida. Each story follows a relationship in the club touching on various aspects of the lifestyle (general misconceptions, sadism, master/slave, discipline). Most include a growth of either the master or his submissive in various ways and an element of action.

I have tried several other authors, but most don’t cover the romantic or kinky bases effectively. I will admit, however, that some of this has created a bias as I look at my expectations of my own BDSM relationship. But hey, what are good romance novels for?

The Witching Hour

There is an hour, between 9 and 10 in the morning, where both my children push every possible button I have. I think there is some chemical trigger that sets them off. They know my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet and Sir has left for work, so they attack with everything they’ve got. By the time 10 rolls around I am near tears and spend the rest of the day trying to recoup my sanity. This rarely works.

Coupled with lack of sleep and this hour is the constant downfall of day. Being a stay at home mother is harder than anything else I have ever done. I know it was for the best, with Sir’s job forcing the move, it didn’t make sense to commute and pay for daycare. But the last six months have been full of change and craziness.

As a continuing theme of life change in 2014, Sir and I have decided to ramp up the BDSM now that I am healed from childbirth. This, of course, is purely up to his whims. And I know that it makes me a terrible submissive, but I feel like he is really dropping the ball. I can feel myself turning into a brat in the effort to get attention. Being home with a three year old and a 3-month old doesn’t leave much time for me. The idea of getting to serve and have some sort of personal release is getting too difficult to ignore.

We’ll see how much longer I can attempt to keep everyone in the house happy. As long as I continue to ignore my own need to sleep and personal happiness, then I have a shot. The dog seems to think I’m doing a good job.