Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 12

#12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

I do not include any financial aspects as part of my submission. If anything, I’m a sucker for a gift. A lot of that could be ignorance. I don’t know too much about the basics of financial submission.

One of the big reasons I’ve always shied away from it is the simple fact that I don’t have money. I have to pay my mortgage and buy food for a house full of boys; my birthday money this year went to pay my electric bill. It’s not glamorous, but it’s my life.

I would love to be able to buy gifts for Sir. I always enjoy making people smile with a thoughtful present to lift their day. If you know those people who remember something you said that you really wanted and give it to you months later; that’s me. Christmas tends to be a stressful time for me; not because I lack ideas, but that I lack the funds to really get everyone what I would love to give them.

I’m not sure that really falls under the umbrella as financial dominance though. And I think that just me calling it financial dominance rather than financial submission just highlights my ignorance of it. Like I’m trying to distance myself from it in every possible way. I wouldn’t mind learning about it as part of general kink research, but I think at the same time I’m afraid of it.

Over the last year I’ve started to become more and more fearful of new kinks. Not out of judgment or disgust, but out of the reality that I may never get to experience them. I am afraid that if I delve into something new that I’ll love it and want to try it. My long-distance Dom is balancing two submissives, so adding all sorts of new kinks isn’t really an option. And my husband has completely walked away from kink. I see finances as complicated in a basic, every day context. Trying to engage him with D/s in something that can already be overwhelming doesn’t seem like a smart idea.

The fact that I have had a tight budget throughout my life makes financial submission a hard thing for me to grasp. While the idea of gift giving is a real joy, I’m pretty sure the kink goes much deeper than that. And aside from my amazon wish list I think I would just be out of my depth.

Check out my other 30 Days of Kink and consider answering them yourself.

Define Your Kink: Day 11

#11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

“What Service Means to Me” – a report by Rye

Sorry, I know that sounds bratty, but that’s the first thing that popped in my head.

I think part of my initial reaction to this question is my frustration with the first sentence. Expectations are what got me into this mess. Walking into a new D/s relationship with all manner of expectations when I (and my partner) knew little to nothing about what we were really getting into. But my own ‘research’ of reading BDSM romance novels and sex blogs also gave me an unrealistic idea of what I should be experiencing. Fantasies of having my body used as a footrest or cleaning the house in a maids outfit filled my head. And while we did attempt these activities (once, but there are photos), it never really worked out.

I do consider that service is large part of what draws me to submission. Helping to make my partner/dominant more comfortable always makes me happy. The idea of having that activity monitored and/or ordered makes me even happier. Just thinking about completing a task given to me to make someone else’s day more relaxing makes me gooey. And obviously feeling gooey is nice. But there is just a certain satisfaction about completing something that you know someone appreciates. When I do dishes and no one cares it’s hard to stay motivated. However, if someone is checking my work or asking if I completed something, I know they are interested and invested.

As far as service in general, I define it as an activity, either ordered or not, to better the surroundings or life of my Sir. This can include anything from rubbing his feet to make sure the kid’s are quiet. Giving him quiet time to be alone up to and including making sure my body is always ready for his use.

I do love being ready for use 🙂

Check out my other Define Your Kink questions here.

Define Your Kink: Day 10

#10 – Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Okay, I had to ask Sir for clarification on this one, because it just wasn’t clicking for me. I always look at BDSM as a whole lifestyle, but he reminded me that it’s merely an acronym. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochsim. And while the D and s take on double duty, they don’t necessarily cross over for everyone.

My submission, at least as I’ve been about to determine touches on each of the aspects of BDSM. I consider myself a submissive in the realms of both bondage and discipline. I enjoy both and find a a lot of satisfaction in a submissive place in both realms. In bondage I have found I get into subspace easier and love the marks. But discipline offers a fulfillment that I don’t get anywhere else. It’s a release  of stress that only discipline from my Sir can provide.

Dominance and Submission is a pretty easy one. This is generally what I think of when someone says BDSM. My submission is about giving myself to someone and trusting that they will take care of me. It’s a beautiful feeling when it works and one that I haven’t been able to find any other way (though I’m not one to try hard drugs).

Sadism and Masochism is hard one for me work my head around. But I think that’s only because it’s in direct conflict with my upbringing. The idea of letting (or in many cases encouraging) someone to hurt me is something I’m sure I will always have trouble explaining. There is something about the surrender though. It’s along the lines of bondage and discipline, these aspects often intersect. But it’s about the trust and letting myself just be in the moment.

I think all pieces of BDSM factor into my complete submission. While I’m sure I could be happy without having my nipples pinched or my ass spanked, I don’t know if I would be satisfied. The intervening time I spent without a dominant were some of my lowest. And even now that I have found someone (a lovely someone) to take on that role for me, there are still missing bits of BDSM that pull at me. But this time is also allowing my submission to grow and change. Maybe Sir will help me discover that I don’t need all aspects of BDSM, or help me figure out a way to have it all.

Check out the other Days of Kink that I’ve done and those I have yet to answer on my Define Your Kink page.

Define Your Kink: Day 9

#9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Yes, yes, yes, and giddy.

I love structure. I like to know the expectations of my Sir and work my hardest to exceed each one. The consistency that comes with rules and limits is my happy place.

When my husband and I tried D/s I think that I expected structure. I didn’t communicate this well; I’m not sure I knew what I wanted then. I wanted follow up for rules and tasks and couldn’t really verbalize that in a way that he understood. So instead I would pout and neither of us would have a good time.

Looking back I’ve realized that that what’s was missing for me. There were no limits. I was rarely, if ever, told no. And I think it made things harder for me. I never felt like I was led. Like he was actually looking out for me and instead just placating what he thought I wanted. When really, I just wanted him to take me in hand. To help me lose weight and be healthy and happy because that’s what he wanted for me.

I would love someone to help me help myself. It’s hard for me to make distinctions sometimes with that I need rather than what I want. I am often led by my emotions and that isn’t always best. That’s why I think I would do better with those strict rules and expectations. Part of my issue, I think, is that my expectations of myself are too high. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard which generally means that I’m always beating myself up for not doing better. So the idea that someone would be willing to take on that for me seems blissful.

Check my other Define Your Kink posts so far and the questions I have yet to answer.

Define Your Kink: Day 8

#8 –  Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

The short answer is: yes.

In my previous dynamic with my husband we incorporated spanking as a punishment. This was done with bare hands, belts, whips, and canes. Usually this would part of a larger scene, but on occasion was done for specific infractions.

I found that my success rate with it largely depended on what happened afterward. I know that seems silly, but it always had the largest impact (pun intended) when there was solid aftercare. If it was merely an explanation of what I did wrong, several spankings, and being sent on my way, I faultered. The spanking wasn’t enough of a ‘punishment’, as odd as that may sound. I would continue to beat myself up (figuratively) about my mistake. If, when he thought I had been properly corrected, told me that I was still a ‘good girl’, and that I was forgiven, then I responded better.

My current dynamic with my Sir has only been long distance. He and I haven’t had the situation arise where punishment has been necessary. And, as much as I would love to keep it that way, I’m sure it will need to be discussed at some point. He and I have largely looked at spanking as a form of play, not punishment. But I know it’s something he practices with his primary sub, so I’m sure it will feature in our relationship in some form.

Check out the other Define your Kink questions and answers that I have done do far!

Define Your Kink: Day 7

#7 – Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

I think that even the most well-intentioned submissive will occasionally need corrected. I have been known to brat if I feel ignored. And I have found that a punishment is often the best thing for me. It’s the level and intensity of punishments that can create issues.

I take a lot of things personally. So while I respond well to physical punishments, being yelled at is another thing all together. I’m not sure why, but yelling just makes me cry like a scolded toddler. There was a time I remember when my husband and I were still working on our D/s relationship and one day in the car he hold me to ‘shut up’. I retreated immediately and didn’t speak for the rest of the night. I think I may have even cried on the way home. The thing is, I’m not sure what he was even upset about, so I didn’t really learn anything from the experience. All I remember is how upset I was.

A spanking goes a mile further than a time out or being yelled at. I will remember the time and effort you took to show much your disappointment and what you expect from me. Ignoring me is the worst possible punishment for me. I just get sad and withdraw more. While I will remember that I disappointed you, I won’t remember how or why. All that I will take away is that I’m lonely.

The idea of punishments are actually positive things for me. It’s the care of my dominant to want to correct me. To want me to be better. He could just let me be disappointing to him, or allow a sub-par performance to slip by. The time and effort shows that they care.

The understanding that I want to be my best for him is almost as much his responsibility as it is mine. That can be a hard thing for dominants to grasp. I can imagine that it would be difficult to balance care and correction as a dom.

Check out my other answers for Define Your Kink as I try to figure out what kind of submissive I am and what I need.

Define Your Kink: Day 6

#6 – What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Wow, this should almost be four completely different days. I will try to answer this without boring you to  death with tropes and cliches.

Roots

I believe that the ‘roots’ of my submission is honestly genetic. My father’s side of the family has a name for several of us. We are called ‘burnt toast moms’. The idea being that we will take toast that is burnt and offer a ‘better’ piece to a loved one. I actually got this from my father (we still say ‘mom’). And, to be clear, my husband eats burnt toast so the analogy doesn’t quite work. The idea behind it is true though. We are happy to sit in the middle of backseat on car rides and take the smallest servings of ice cream. We get inside smiles from giving to others. You should see me at Christmas; my bliss is buying the perfect gift.

Childhood

I think that a lot of my submission, specifically my ‘little’ nature comes from my childhood. This isn’t the part where I pull out my Christian Grey tormented youth. I had a good childhood and wouldn’t change it for anything. But when we adopted my developmentally disabled brother I grew up pretty fast. My parents were dealing with him and I was trying to help them and help take care of them. The idea of getting to curl up with a hot chocolate (or more likely coffee) and watch cartoons sounds like heaven. I love to color and bake cookies and cuddle. There is something about being able to relax that reminds me of being a child and my brain connects those.

Discipline/Sex

There is a certainly domestic discipline aspect of it. I like chores and tasks to make the evening and/or environment better for my Sir. Taking care of dinner, or setting out his slippers. They don’t have to be complicated, but they make me feel good. Even aspects of previous D/s attempts with diet and exercise restrictions/requirements went well. And that, also leads into sex.

Sex is a huge part of my submission. I am a masochist and I love pinching, biting, spanking, and choking. I’ll admit that it might not be everything. There is a lot about the idea of being a spoiled human pet that has nothing to do with sex. But being fucked from behind while my hair is being pulled sounds fucking hot. Orgasm denial doesn’t work well for me; I just turn into a stroppy mess. But I’m sure that could be ‘corrected’ with a patient Dom if they so choose.

Conclusions

I am not a broken person. I was not ‘driven’ to BDSM because of my depression or PTSD (they are completely separate). In fact, my mental health was at its most stable when my husband and I were practicing 24/7 D/s. My kinks have been effected by childhood and upbringing. I have a stuffed animal on my desk at work’ it’s just who I am. And that’s the thing. My submission is just a truer version of myself. The real me without all the filters and coverings that I portray to society.

I’m not sure the world could handle a 24/7 horny, cuddly, burnt toast mom me.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

Define Your Kink: Day 5

#5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different?

Sorry for such a long gap between #4 and #5. I’ve sort of been avoiding answering this question. I considered skipping over it and coming back, but that would be a cop-out to the process. I think it’s just the reality of my answer.

I have been in three D/s dynamics. Two one day experiences that were negative for very different reasons, and one long-term. Each taught me something in their own way, but for a variety of reasons none of them worked. That’s a hard thing to admit, that I haven’t been successful. And it’s easy for me to say that as I was the only common denominator in these experiences that I must be the problem. This isn’t the case, there were all sorts of factors. Sometimes it’s easy to fall into that self-destructive trap though.

Twitter Guy

When my husband and I were considering opening things up to others, I started chatting with several Doms online. Mostly in a friendly context to learn about their relationships and how they structure their rules. There was often flirting, and there were a few conversations about taking it further. The only one of those conversations that didn’t fizzle out was a gentleman who also lived here in Ohio. The idea of having another Dominant close by was very enticing. We chatted a lot and seem to have similar kinks and boundaries.

Then one day we decided to try and online scene. I sent him a few pictures and was even punished for forgeting a ‘Yes, Sir’ in a response. After the interaction we were talking and he told me not to tell my husband about it. The moment killed any good feelings I had. I told my husband and stopped talking with the Dom. It was difficult as I felt horrible. He genuinely seemed like a nice guy.

May Visit

Once we got settled in the new house, I started reaching out to try and find local Doms. We had made friends with a few couples on Fetlife, but each of us had branched out to locate individual partners. I started talking with a Dom about a few kinks and the possibility of getting together. He wanted a regular sub and respected my husband’s boundaries, which was nice. I should have listened to my intuition regarding the fact that we had little in common outside of BDSM. None of my vanilla relationships have worked when we didn’t have anything in common; I should have realized that D/s would be the same.

In May of 2016 he came over to the house. It wasn’t a great memory, but I did learn a lot about my limits. I haven’t been with another Dom since. Trust is so vital to what I am looking for in a Dom, I’ll never jump into that dynamic again.

Husband, Father, Friend (too many posts to link)

My husband and I have been through a lot together. Ten years of graduations (four in total), moves (six of those), and two crazy kids. He jumped right in when I discovered I am kinky and gave it 100%. I really appreciate his effort in trying to be what he thought I wanted. But, as a submissive, pleasing my partner was about what they wanted, not what they were doing for me. There was always this feeling of me forcing him to do things and never being able to relax in the moment. I was always worried that he was unhappy and unsatisfied. We were both trying so hard to make the other happy that neither of us were.

As difficult as this has been to lose our D/s, it has helped us communicate. We talk more openly and honestly than we ever did before BDSM. And while loosing my collar was painful, at least I’m not worried about ruining my marriage.

At this point is just figuring out how to move forward. I have a Dominant friend that currently chat with on Twitter. He’s the only Dom that I’ve felt comfortable with since my last negative online experience. He’s not local, so I’m not sure what it could ever be. Maybe a few visits a year, like Jack in California. Not sure I could handle two long-distance relationships emotionally, but we’ll see what happens. I do know that D/s in some form needs to be part of my life.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

Define Your Kink: Day 4

#4 –  Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

As a woman, I often feel like I have to be dominant in my vanilla life a lot. I have to be knowledgeable, outgoing, and confident; three things I rarely actually am. As a wife and mother I find myself taking on a dominant role  at home. Being the task master when it comes to chores, hygiene (boys are gross), and our schedule.

When it comes to sex I am rarely, if ever, dominant. I think I tried to bed, way back when, but that could have just been frustration at my partner. My husband and I played around with being switches when we were first trying to spice things up. I even have a strap-on. It was all in-the-bedroom play. I didn’t really get much out of it, but it wasn’t about me. I would usually get some sort of sexual release later on in the evening. But, it was difficult for me to connect with him when I was trying to be a top.

In essence, I rarely feel comfortable being a dominant. I’m looking forward to the possibility of a promotion later this year that would put me in a supervisory position. Nothing else about the position scares me, but having to discipline a subordinate will be a new experience. Obviously not planning to use a flogger, but even just words will be a difficulty.

Define Your Kink: Day 3

#3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

I thought this would be a really easy question to answer. But as I reflect, it’s actually quite difficult to pinpoint what I think makes me submissive.

The short answer is that it was just something I knew. Everything I read about it just seemed to click with me. I began to separate the way that I acted in my ‘vanilla’ life and who I really was. The scenes and descriptions were such a turn on as I focused in on specific activities and attributes. I kept finding connections in how I acted around other people that fit into a submissive mindset. So many aspects of my life were telling me that this was who I really was.

I remember the first time that my husband and I tried a traditional D/s scene. Our sex had been pretty vanilla before that, so any sort of bondage or rough sex was new. I remember him ordering me to my knees and then having me crawl toward him. I was so wet by the time I reached him that it was running down my legs. We were both surprised. After that it was like my sexuality had been dormant. Everything woke up and suddenly made sense with submission as the missing piece.

I know that, even if I don’t have a consistent dynamic, I will be a submissive for the rest of my life. It has grown and affected so much more than just my sex life. And knowing that that side of me exists (under all the fake that the rest of the world sees), helps me to get through the day. I make choices and defer to others just and much, or as little, as I did before. But I don’t feel guilty about it now. It makes sense that that is just who I am as a person. And when I am praised, even for something small, I feel like the little that I am.

 

*I am using these questions to try and help me define what my submission means to me and what I need from BDSM. Check out all the questions and other answers as I complete them on my Define Your Kink page.*