Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Define Your Kink: Day 3

#3 – How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

I thought this would be a really easy question to answer. But as I reflect, it’s actually quite difficult to pinpoint what I think makes me submissive.

The short answer is that it was just something I knew. Everything I read about it just seemed to click with me. I began to separate the way that I acted in my ‘vanilla’ life and who I really was. The scenes and descriptions were such a turn on as I focused in on specific activities and attributes. I kept finding connections in how I acted around other people that fit into a submissive mindset. So many aspects of my life were telling me that this was who I really was.

I remember the first time that my husband and I tried a traditional D/s scene. Our sex had been pretty vanilla before that, so any sort of bondage or rough sex was new. I remember him ordering me to my knees and then having me crawl toward him. I was so wet by the time I reached him that it was running down my legs. We were both surprised. After that it was like my sexuality had been dormant. Everything woke up and suddenly made sense with submission as the missing piece.

I know that, even if I don’t have a consistent dynamic, I will be a submissive for the rest of my life. It has grown and affected so much more than just my sex life. And knowing that that side of me exists (under all the fake that the rest of the world sees), helps me to get through the day. I make choices and defer to others just and much, or as little, as I did before. But I don’t feel guilty about it now. It makes sense that that is just who I am as a person. And when I am praised, even for something small, I feel like the little that I am.

 

*I am using these questions to try and help me define what my submission means to me and what I need from BDSM. Check out all the questions and other answers as I complete them on my Define Your Kink page.*

Define Your Kink: Day 2

#2 – Describe who you might submit to and how.
Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?

Even right now, I’ll admit, the idea of submitting to anyone other than my husband is still hard to imagine. When we started trying our various BDSM dynamics we started right in with a 24/7 M/s set-up. Looking back starting out so hard and fast wasn’t a great plan, but we were both so excited by this whole new world that we got a little (a lot!) ahead of ourselves.

I think we were so taken by the idea of what we could add to our relationship that we didn’t test things before just adding more and more. The entire system breakdown was inevitable. Going in full-throttle was a mistake that we are still paying for, sadly. And I’m not sure we will recover fully, though I am hopeful. I would love to get back to something in and outside the bedroom. I enjoyed our daily rituals and the chore expectations we established early on. With time and work we could get back to that.

With my husband or another Sir, there are several ways I would like to show much submission. Being a fuckpuppet is certainly at the top of the list. But being a service sub and a little are also avenues to serve that I would like to explore. I’ve started to realize, given the right support, that I really enjoy being a little. The idea of being tucked in and cared for is a real turn on. I’m not sure I’m one for baby talk or frilly pink dresses, but I a lot of other little aspects are very intriguing.

We shall see how the next few months come along. I am hoping that my husband will be interested in trying some BDSM things again. Obviously, we would go more slowly. Maybe trying a strictly bedroom scene or two rather than a full-time dynamic again. Kink is something that I have realized I need in my life, so I’m willing to be patient. A little is better than nothing at all.

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This is part of my Define Your Kink questions. Check out my page for my answers so far and other bloggers taking part.

Define Your Kink: Day 1

#1 – Do you view your submission as: Taken in hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, owner/pet, DD/lg; or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

I have used several labels to try and define and understand my submission. And while I currently don’t have a dynamic with my husband (or anyone else). I’m trying to sort out how I view my submissive mindset.

Initially I defined myself and our dynamic (when we had one) as dominant/submissive. Mostly because I didn’t really know what else was out there. Submissive still generally covers the broad strokes of what I am. And a dominant is generally what I am looking for. But through my exploration I’ve found that I would like something a little more specific.

My submission has elements of domestic discipline and top/bottom. But my submission and my needs tend to fit most closely with Owner/pet. I don’t gravitate toward animal play, more of a human pet type play. I want to serve and impress my owner, but I also want to be cherished. And I think that feeling moves me out of the master/slave set up in most cases.

I love to be pampered and pleasing. I don’t do bratty well and love to cuddle. There is a bit of cross over into DD/lg, but the idea of a Daddy doesn’t really turn me on. I like having expectations (chores, rules, routine, etc.). Though I’m not sure that rules my kink enough to be domestic discipline.

The problem is I have a multitude of kinks that put me into several overlapping categories. I consider myself a submissive, with several tentacles attached.

Masochist

Little

Pet

Slave

Slut

Poly

Each word takes on a different significance with the passage of time. Slave is slowly fading into the background. Whereas little and poly have grown. But I’m not sure if that is because of me, or due to my current situation. Maybe the right dominant would change that back around again.

While I have gotten better at defining things that I would like out of a dynamic, I haven’t experienced any specific one long enough to rule it out. I think I would benefit from a Dominant willing to show me what he wants, and see how it fits. Or, a Dominant with just as many adjectives as me, who is ready to try new things. Maybe we end up finding the perfect set up together, but even if we don’t, we would both learn from the experience.

 

*I am using these questions to try and help me define what my submission means to me and what I need from BDSM. Check out all the questions and other answers as I complete them on my Define Your Kink page.*