Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Update

I really wanted to write. I have missed this space and all the supportive, wonderful people who come and read. I have missed the inspiration to write about sex I’ve had and fantasies for the future. Writing about BDSM and how, even though dynamics have changed, it’s a huge part of my life. But life happens.

Instead I cried at my computer to my Dom. He patiently listened and wrote back in his supportive way. He told me I wasn’t a failure and I balled. He told me he cared about me and I balled. It was largely me crying and him telling me that it was going to be alright.

Sadly, not that inspiring. But I’m getting there. This is the first time in awhile I’ve really been pulled to write. I miss what this blog gives me.

So hopefully this is my comeback. After two months off I need to get my sexy juices flowing again (in more ways than one). Thank you for being patient while I work through the random shit that is my vanilla life. But I don’t think that I want to be away anymore. No matter what is going on I need this safe space to just be me.

Hope you’ll all stick with me. 🙂

Poly Problem #4: The First Someone Else

There will come a time in any poly relationship when your partner will have sex with someone else. If this is a surprise to you, stop and call for immediate assistance. If they are married, then as a secondary partner, it’s pretty obvious they are probably already sleeping with their spouse (not always, but that’s another issue). But, some poly relationships are more fluid than just a primary and secondary partner. People may come and go to meet purely physical and/or emotional needs. And, as long as all parties agree and understand the perimeters, then everything is spiffy.

So Jack messaged me the other day that he was going to be seeing someone next week. I believe, as far as I know anyway, that this is the only person other than his wife that he’s slept with since he saw me last. I’m not sure why that matters, but it seemed to stick in my head as I was letting this information wash over me. I appreciated his honesty. He was letting me know that he would be a bit absent online for a few days. It was sweet, honestly. And it was much better than if I would have found out after the fact through a tweet or picture that I wasn’t prepared for.

However, me being the mess of a human being that I am, I didn’t take it so well. I tried to keep my responses light and positive in our DMs. Luckily, I was heading to bed anyway, so I cut the conversation a bit short. But my husband could see right through me, and when he asked me what was wrong, I broke. The stress of everything else had been on a precipice last week and that was just the tipping point. In practically any other situation, in any other week, I probably could have worked through it as a small bit of jealousy. Not last week.

Instead I pulled out all the stops on my low self-esteem pity party. I wasn’t enough; I lived too far away. I immediately started questioning if a long-distance relationship like this was worth it. And as soon as the husband suggested maybe finding someone else local I realized that because of our jobs I can’t do local. And, in my opinion more importantly, I didn’t want to. I really care about Jack. I don’t know that I want to wait for that to ‘just happen’ again. Who knows if it would.

It was a rough night. I cried so hard my husband had to put a nose strip on my face so I could breathe. He was very sweet. And I know that Jack had not intended to hurt me in any way. I obviously just wasn’t prepared for him to have other partners besides myself and Jill. Not sure why, but I really hadn’t prepared for something that should have been obvious.

My Advice (such as it is):

Don’t do what I did. Something that I should have seen coming and been ready for completely took me off guard. And because of my attempts to escape reality it was forced upon me at a bad time. It’s not that I shouldn’t have been hurt. My feelings are my own and I accept them. I am an emotional person and I fall hard for partners. However, I should have processed this reality before it happened so it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard. And, if I could see that my reaction would have been worse than this, maybe that would have caused me to rethink ever starting this relationship. What could have been dealt with as a pang of jealousy was instead was a melt down. It wasn’t fun.

Do what he did. Jack has always been open and honest about his expectations and what he can offer me at any point during our times apart. And he respected me enough to let me know before hand that he would be off his phone a bit more. One, because he knows that I would worry and two, because he realized that any tweets relating to him being with another woman might hurt worse if I didn’t know about it. He had no intention of hurting me or rubbing it in my face. And I know he felt horrible when I told him I had had a rough night.

Personal Highs & Global Lows: 2016 Year in Review

This has been a year of ups and downs (how generic is that?). I’m not really sure I’ve had a year with more dramatic highs and lows. It’s just odd how many personal goals I have achieved this year. I think they were surrounded by so many global lows that it’s hard to find them through the fog. Between Brexit and the clusterfuck that was the U.S. Presidential election, it’s been tough. Not to mention all the influential people that have passed away this year. It’s been a public year that I would love to leave behind, but a personal year that I wouldn’t mind repeating.

I started my own business. – It has always been a goal and last February I officially got my L.L.C. up and running. I haven’t become a worldwide sensation, but I have a few clients and some pretty business cards. Hopefully I can give it more time in the coming year, but it will probably never be a full-time thing, and that’s okay.

We moved into our house. – Although we bought it in 2015, we didn’t officially move in until May of this year. The kitchen remodel and refinishing the floors took several months, and it was great to move into finished product rather than a renovation. There are still projects to do, there always are, but we are finally settled. Moving from rental to rental was a stressful process, and the idea of not looking at a moving truck for a decade or two sounds downright blissful.

I went back to work. – Separate from the business, I went back to work. I had been employed as a consultant for a database company from home. But when the opportunity came up to get back into an office and get good insurance coverage for everyone, I jumped at it. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my old masturbation sessions with Jack in the afternoon, but getting out of the house has been good for me. I mean, I wear more than sweatpants now, so that’s something.

My sleeve tattoo is finally finished. – I need to get a good picture to show it off, but I’m beyond happy with it. The whole thing took about 18 months to complete. There were several months between some of my appointments due to various hangups for me and my artist. But early in December I was able to go for my last piece of lace and touch-ups. I’m sure I’ll have a few spots that I will go back and have darkened at some point. Right now though, I couldn’t be happier with what she was able to do with my design request.

And then there were the more kinky aspects of my year….

We opened our marriage. – After talking a lot about other partners and sexual experiences, my husband and I decided to open our marriage. Looking back, this has been a roller coaster of a decision. I had a not go good interaction with a local dom that made me take a huge step back and question everything. Luckily, I kept an open mind and learned from my mistakes. Finding Jack and Jill and visiting them this fall was an amazing experience. Hopefully we will be able to work out another visit (or twelve) this year.

I started identifying as Poly. – I think I can safely say that this is purely because of Jack. After my negative experience, I never really thought that I would find someone that I had a deep emotional connection with outside of my marriage. When we opened up, I was looking for a friend with benefits. Someone to joke around with and maybe exchange oral once and awhile. But he is so much more than I could have hoped for. Aside from sharing a birthday, he has become such a good friend and lover. I am so happy to call him secondary and I know that our relationship will do nothing but grow in the coming year. (Get it, I said coming. He appreciates me, don’t judge.)

I had sex with a woman. – I don’t really classify myself as bisexual. Women are beautiful and I appreciate their minds and bodies. I just don’t really have emotional connections with them like I do with men. The one woman I thought I loved broke my heart, so it’s not really anything I’ve looked for. Visiting California this fall was a wonderful chance to have my first threesome and experience a woman’s body. Jill is lovely and I appreciate her letting me have that connection with her. Certainly something I would love to do again.

I doubled my ‘slept with’ list. – Not only did I have my first same-sex sexual encounter this year, but I actually doubled the number of people I have slept with. I went from three to six. I know, I was shocked too. Not sure I will be able to do the same next year, but as that number hasn’t changed at all in the decade before this, I was impressed.

I finally stopped ‘fighting’ my submission. – Through everything that Sir (my husband) has been dealing with this year I kept coming back to whether or not I really needed submission. Maybe I could just turn it off and everything would be easier. It took me awhile, but I realized that that’s stupid. I’m a submissive. I always have been in one form or another and I know now that I always will be. And I have the power to submit to who I choose. I know these seem like obvious conclusions to reach, but it’s taken me awhile to get there.

As far as resolutions go I tend to be too optimistic. I set high expectations for myself and then hate myself by the end of January. I always want to lose weight and write more, so we’ll see how that goes. My 101 Things in 1001 Days ends this year, so there are several things to work toward on there. Lots more photos, reflection, and erotic writing to come. And, I’m sure, the continuing fight with my depression will appear from time to time. You know, to break up all the boob pics.

 

Different Strokes for Different Folks

I think as a young girl I always imagined there was one perfect guy out there for me. That my knight in shining armor would come to sweep me off my feet and meet all of my needs, whatever they might be. And, as I self-aware teen, I, of course, knew exactly what those needs would be (at this point sarcasm should be dripping from your screen). The pressure on that poor man would have been horrific. I shudder to think what I have been putting my husband through for the last ten years. No wonder his back is so bad.

But there is something interesting that I am slowly realizing as I delve into poly: It’s okay to have relationships with different people in order to meet different needs/wants. I know, I know. It’s crazy! My small mind is still struggling to wrap around this idea, as obvious as it is for some. I can allow people to show me parts of themselves without pressuring them to be something they are not. And I can be me with each of them, but they don’t have to worry about meeting all of my needs all the time. I know that this may not work for everyone, nor should it. I guess I have just always felt bad when my husband hasn’t really been into something that I am, and vice versa. So realizing that I we don’t have to everything to one another all the time was quite a shock.
Over the last few months I have been looking into different aspects of this idea. Not being a different person with different people, but letting different aspects of myself out. And that, interestingly, has led to me being called several names. I don’t think I did it on purpose, it just sort of happened. But I think it helps to foster the connection, and makes me feel quite special to that person.
Friend with Benefits – “Eve”
We have been friends for nearly three years now. We share everything and talk a lot through. When we are angry with our spouses we talk it out with the other person before picking a fight. It has saved us both from a lot of needless arguments. There is always support for our dieting and various personal improvement pursuits. Our age difference is irrelevant and our feelings continue to grow. There may even have been some exchanged photos and videos, all in a manner of research, of course. 🙂
This has caused a bit of emotional strife. He means a great deal to me, and I know I am special to him. But as we are both trying to explore our sexuality in a safe space, we often share desires and fantasies that include the other person. This doesn’t bother me too much, but I think it highlights the distance for him. He started calling me ‘Eve’, his temptress, earlier this fall. I think as I have opened up my marriage, his seems to be closing ranks (at least in his opinion). But we don’t judge each other, we support one another through all of our struggles. That constant support has been vital to my growth and blogging. I cannot imagine my life without him in some sort of capacity, even though he lives half way around the world.
Dominant – “Little One”
I’m not sure what this is, to be honest. He’s a friend and fellow blogger than I flirt with on Twitter. It’s nice to talk about my submission and things I want to try without putting pressure to preform. I do get a certain giddiness when he calls me ‘little one’ though. Mostly because I haven’t been little in a long time. I do find myself falling into the category of ‘little’ quite easily though. A stuffed animal and some cartoons and I am a happy camper.
We chat about our various hobbies and our kids. He and his sub are getting married next year, so I’ve been enjoying talking to him about wedding plans. But discussing his local D/s scene is nice. I am jealous on many levels as he talks about clubs and his community. No one else that I chat with on twitter regularly is into BDSM. Each of the other men listed here either aren’t into D/s or don’t define themselves as dominant. My husband is working on himself right now, and I know that BDSM is a future goal for us. But talking to this gentleman (and he is) is good perspective.
Husband – “Rye”
He is my rock. We have been through so much together and I’m sure will be through much more. We have two adorable, if infuriating, children together and I can’t imagine being a parent with anyone else. Our mutual mental illnesses included, we love and support each other through everything. The last year has been difficult. The move and starting our businesses (yes, plural) has been stressful. We are supporting one another through our struggle and he never ceases to amaze me.
He understands me more than any other person could. We never go to bed angry, unless it’s at the children. And I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be understanding and supportive about being open and poly. I just hope that he finds what he is looking for out of it as well. He knows exactly when I’m having a terrible day and knows which junk food I want to feel better. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Lover – “Baby”
Generally he does call me by my real name, but when he calls me baby I go all puddily. Our mutual love of sarcasm and wit make for hilarious conversations. We enjoy eating and watching cartoons almost as much as we enjoy fucking. He is endlessly positive and supportive of everything I do. I know that our relationship is still very young, but we feel old together.  He is a bit older than me, but, aside from calling me ‘baby’, he doesn’t treat me like a child.
I know that he has other partners. I’ll admit that that fact isn’t always easy to stomach. But considering the number of states between us, it’s hardly like I can complain. The time we have together, however, fleeting, is wonderful. Knowing him has certainly helped me to work on being in the present. The future will happen whether I want it to or not, no point worrying about now. And we both seem to want each other in it.
Many different names, but I’m still me.

A Picture is Worth…

We sat down on our large couch to watch the show. Full of burgers and fries, the new episode of The Grand Tour was a perfect end to the afternoon. The guys each had a beer, but I would have to drive Jack and I back to the hotel, so I grabbed a soda instead. I instinctively sat between them. I kept glancing at each one in turn. They kept staring at the television so as not to possibly interrupt a moment with me and the other man.  It was a little awkward, but the laughter from show soon relaxed our nerves.

I had been worried about Sir meeting Jack for the first time. He is generally always concerned about meeting anyone who reads my blog as they are aware of our lifestyle and our depression. Not that he is ashamed, but he often feels like he doesn’t come off very well, especially lately. I never want him to feel like that, but I cannot argue that my frustrations do occasionally get aired here. The realization that I only call him Sir on here anymore was hard for both of us last week. I keep trying to decide if I am going to change and just call him ‘the husband’, ‘hubby’, or keep Sir. Anyway, they had found a lot to talk about and seemed to be getting along well. Jack isn’t as obsessed with cars as Sir and I, but relaxed into the show well.

After the first ten minutes or so Jack set his beer down on the coffee table and scooted closer to me. As I set my empty soda can on the table as well he grabbed my hand and rested it against his thigh. I wasn’t trying to hide it from Sir, but I also wasn’t sure if he saw. The show was pretty engrossing as the hosts were building cars out of natural materials and the mud car had fallen apart again.

I squeezed Jack’s hand and he rubbed my knuckles. It seemed so tame considering the last day and half. Thousands of pictures back at the hotel were proof of that. But the intimacy of it was so erotic. There we sat, clothed, and watching television. I was more than just a slut he fucked. This was us, in a relationship. Spending time together in my home. Sharing stories and pictures of our kids as I have him a tour. I had made him a part of my life and he had accepted the responsibility with vigor.

Sir finished his beer and took his glass into the kitchen. When he came back he sat down and reached for my other hand. I gave it to him willingly. Going back to the show I sat perfectly still for a moment. I think I was waiting to feel really awkward. Like holding their hands at the same time would make it all too real and I would get emotional and have to let go. I kept waiting. The feeling never came. Instead I looked down as if I was having an out of body experience.

Whenever I thought of polyamory I never thought it could work for me. It was a fantasy never to be achieved. It was something that I could only ever dream of. The idea of having a lover and a Dominant was a fantastic idea, but not attainable. I wanted someone who would keep me sexually sated. A lover who spoiled me rotten with gifts and attention. A Dominant who played hard with me. Keeping me in line while giving me the structure and attention I craved. And a husband that I could support and who would support me throughout our lives. It’s been a bit of shock that I could even come close to having everything.

Thinking about polyamory over the last few months has always been in abstract forms. I wasn’t sure if I could really handle another relationship, much less multiples. And I tend to fall hard and fast, and that’s usually not what others are looking for. But a quick fuck or scene every now and then just isn’t feasible for me. My individual self-worth (right or wrong) is directly linked to being helpful and satisfying to others. I’m not sure if that is the same for all submissives, but it’s just the way I am. Having a dominant, or a lover, drift in and out of my life wouldn’t work for long. Even though Jack is across the country, we still talk almost every day. Maintaining my emotional connection to him is what keeps the physical relationship possible, at least for me. Any other person would need/want to have the same level of commitment to me as I do to them. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, and if it is that may explain why I don’t have a line of partners.

The three of us sat together for around half an hour with our hands intertwined. It felt like hours and I would have been thrilled had it been so. It was so peaceful. Every once in awhile one of them would brush my knuckles or give me a squeeze that would send shock waves through my skin. It was amazing and I didn’t want it to end. I think when the show was over we just sat there for a moment. I probably could have sat there for much longer, just letting the sexual tension build. Eventually we put our drinks away and played a board game before Jack and I headed back to the hotel.

On the drive back Jack and I both commented how nice the moment was. He said he could feel my body relax as we sat there, all together. I wasn’t that surprised that he noticed. The moment moved me more than I ever expected. It was beautiful as a physical representation of everything I wanted from polyamory. Of everything that polyamory could be for me. And the realization that I could actually make it work.

Still wish I had a picture though.

Poly Problem #83

So, the lover made a comment about coming to visit this weekend. I just about started running around the house in excitement. But then I started to think, which I never a good thing. Trying to get things around on such short notice would be crazy. What would we do with the kids? I have so much prep for thanksgiving next week. We are hosting this year, which takes care of one of my 101 Things, but also brings a pile of stress. There is just a lot of cleaning, cooking, and planning. I want to see him so badly, but when he told me that it probably wasn’t going to happen I wasn’t too upset.

I mean, in reality I was sad, but there was no point getting too bummed about it. Especially since he immediately started discussing a few possible weeks in December. More excitement and possibility. And, because I can’t take anything positive and accept it, I have to dissect into ruin. I have already begun thinking about all of the ways that this could go wrong.

The biggest concern is that it’s only been about six weeks. If he does find a way to sort a visit before Christmas, then it will be  under three months since I saw him last. That sounds amazing, doesn’t it. Except, here’s the rub. It’s completely unsustainable. With our finances, I’ll be lucky to be able to fly out once a year to see him. And I can’t ask him to shoulder the cost of our relationship more than what I can give.

I just don’t want to create the expectation of getting to see him too often. If we see each other in December, I am worried that when February comes around I will expect to see him again. And when we can’t make it work I am worried I would get upset. At him, at myself, at other’s that I love around me. And it’s not fair to anyone. Obviously I want to see him as often as possible. But our lives, for the most part, will have to be apart. And it’s weird to me that I almost want to wait to see him again so that I get used to it.

And then I miss him. I want to joke and be sarcastic and fuck like rabbits. To cuddle, and laugh, and eat junk food. All those things top my cravings more than missing him ever will. The very idea of promoting space between us seems horrible.

How do I always get myself into these situations where I have two bad options?

Societal norms and how they fuck with me

I spent my formative years in several different states, school districts, and houses. The bulk of which, however, was in a farm house and small school in western Ohio. A large, rural community with almost exclusively conservative undertones. As much as my parents ingrained their own liberal values, I was (I realize now) constantly affected by the societal expectations of my community.

Fast-forward to present day. I have a BDSM relationship with my husband and we have decided to open up our marriage. So, what do I do? I jump in with both feet. I had been talking with Jack from Jack and Jill for a long time on twitter. When the chance arose to meet him and his wife for a few days of fun I didn’t waste time considering outcomes. I went to California earlier this month and had a fabulous time.

The problem is, however, that I had a fabulous time. Jack and I connected on more than just a sexual level. We had more in common that I would have guessed. We just clicked. I’ve never laughed and orgasmed so much in two short days.

But when I left for Los Angeles, and even more so when I got home, I became confused and scared. What did our new relationship mean? Was I special or just another conquest for him? Would he ever want to see me again? How can I really ask him to consider me a part of his life when we live across the country and he has so many other partners?

Sir and I talked about my distress. And he mentioned something that really made me step back for a moment. He said “society leads women to believe that to be successful in a relationship they have to ‘land’ a man. There has to be commitment solidified, especially if sex is involved”. At first I wanted to argue with him, but in the case of my family and community, he was right. And I think that’s why I couldn’t help feeling like I failed with Jack.

Society was telling me that Jack should have been falling all over himself to propose to me. Telling me that our sex was the best he ever day. Which, a) he’s happily married, and b) if he told me I was the best sex I probably wouldn’t have believed him anyway. In order for it to have been a societal success he would have promised me something (I’m not even sure I understand what that would have had to have been).

But all relationships don’t fit into this fairy tale mold. Open relationships are fluid. People can have an enormous impact on your life and you may only see them a few times a year. Just because Jack cannot be a physical presence in my life everyday doesn’t mean that he isn’t special. And it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me. We just have to find a way to rework those ‘traditional’ perimeters of what we are to each other.

More importantly, however, I need to let go of these assumptions about what we can and cannot be. Labels have always bothered me, but I do hate it when I don’t understand where I stand with someone. Society would have enough trouble accepting my married with a lover status. Trying to find a definition of what being a ‘lover’ means outside of cheating is impossible.

Jack and I had a wonderful time. I also enjoyed the time spent with Jill in the evenings. Jack and I consider each other lovers and I’m sure we will find a way to see each other again. I’m going to try my best to leave it at that and not pressure him for more or demand less from myself. Society, and my local community, doesn’t know anything about kink life anyway. He can be my lover that no one needs to know about besides my husband. Because honestly, it’s none of their business anyway.

Revelations Summarized

With Sir and I opening up our marriage and my recent trip to California (if you haven’t read my recap posts, you should, they’re hot) I’ve been emotionally confused lately. It’s just a lot to wrap my head around, apparently. Poly, open, non-monogamous keep flying through my head with everything I’ve experienced mixed in. So far it’s all positive, which is good. But there is so much societal crap to ignore and labels to understand that I’m still just starting to sift through it.

Submission, Who Knew?

The one thing that really shocked me was how much of a submissive I really am. I know that seems silly as that is what this entire blog is about, but it was. I guess I had an idea that I was only submissive because of Sir. That that was why my other ‘loan’ experience didn’t work out so well. Apparently that may not have been all me.

It was one of the first things that I talked to Sir about after I said goodbye to Jack at the train station. How almost unsteady I was being pampered and spoiled. Being told that I feel amazing and I look hot aren’t usually the words being spoken to me during sex. Without an order following it, I’m sure I looked downright confused as Jack and I played. Having that focus and attention was quite heady. A large part of my continued arousal was due to his positive response to my body and my sexuality. Sir decided that Jack would be his perfect wing man. He could play with and abuse me and then send me to Jack for aftercare. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a problem with that at all. I would just have to live closer so I could get aftercare on a more regular basis.

For those keeping score

My ‘slept-with’ count has gone from 4 to 6. And I have crossed the threshold of my hetero-flexibility by having my first sexual interaction with a woman.

It was stressful.

Not because of anything that she did, I just didn’t want to fuck it up. Especially as the night before I had watched her husband fuck her and make her cum hard, repeatedly. It’s a tough act to follow. I think I was more nervous than anything. Not about her body (which was lovely) or going down on her (which was great). I think it was just performance anxiety. Like with the blow job, you want to do your best work.

The last thing I wanted was for her to think that I shouldn’t come back because I couldn’t please her. Not that she would say that, because she’s a lovely person, but still. I didn’t want her to regret my coming. Sir had also asked for video proof of this event, which Jack was more than happy to oblige. So there is a near ten minute video and several photos that I’m sure Jack and Sir will review more than once. Hell, I’ll probably watch it a few times too. 🙂

What ‘poly’ means to me

This vacation has got me thinking a lot more about poly and what I would want from a secondary partner. And honestly, it might not be kink. The idea of having a non-BDSM partner as a secondary, or even a few non-kinky lovers sounds kind of good. It feels weird to think that. But having my boots taken off for me and my legs kissed
felt really good. Going on ostensibly what could be considered a date (in this case just a break between rounds of sex) was amazing. And getting to chat in the car in traffic, try a new restaurant or cuisine, and just talk about anything was nice.

I love doing that with Sir too, but we have a different dynamic, even when we are one a date.  Our conversations are ruled, generally, by our responsibilities. We will talk movies and politics on occasion. But work, family, and the kids rule a typical evening out. I think it was just refreshing to meet and be able to talk religion and politics with someone other than Sir that has similar views. I’m more than happy to have a debate type conversation from time to time, but having someone on the same wavelength feels good too. Looking at more of a pet relationship rather than a Dom dynamic. Someone to pamper me and say how pretty I am. I would be Sir’s slut and my second’s insatiable princess. Spoiled and cared for.

And notice how I just say ‘second’ once. The idea of having multiple partners to balance and maintain seems overwhelming at best. I just don’t see myself being able to handle that kind of open relationship. I can, however, see myself falling hard for one or maybe someday even two other people. Much more a poly-amorous set up than anything casual.

Needing a label I do not want

Sir was recently trying to set up a date.* I’m really not sure how to feel about it. I’m obviously worried about him finding someone. And I’m jealous as Jack lives so far away. But it is making me think about how I classify myself. The last few days Sir and I have been talking about how we are in a ‘BDSM Poly-Open’ relationship. I
just don’t know how to label, but I don’t know if that’s simply because I don’t like labels. I want Jack to be my secondary. But I think I would take it personally if he didn’t classify me the same way.

I just don’t know what certain labels mean. Is there an expectation of gifts for the holidays? Can you have multiple secondaries?  As much as I hate labels I keep searching for them. These past few days have brought out a lot of emotional pull from me. I think I just need to remember that Jack has done nothing to make me question the genuineness of what he says.

The pain of cravings

He treats me differently than Sir. Not that one is right or wrong. Each is perfect for them and both make me feel amazing. Sir is my dom and my husband. He is supportive, understanding, and always knows what I need. Sir calls Jack my ‘aftercare’. He flatters me, cuddles me, and makes me laugh. We have so much in common
that we talk about almost anything, and our mutual appreciation for sarcasm makes us quite the pair.

Neither is a replacement for the other. But that also creates problems as I crave both. I think that this confusion and odd overwhelming is normal. I’ve started reading a lot and continued conversation and support from both Sir and Jack has helped. I just want to make sure I’m there for them as well. However, I don’t want to ask for more than either can give and end up hurt. It’s a balance that I haven’t quite reached yet. But they are worth the effort. As, I hope, am I.

**Sir has since decided to hold off as far as actively looking for a play partner goes. I think once his business is up and running he will feel in a better place about it. But he supports me and my relationships outside of him.

California – Meeting Jack

I feel good. I feel really good. And don’t get me wrong, a significant portion of that good is based on the multitude of orgasms I have had in the last 48 hours. But it’s more than that. It’s the entire experience of it. Think of your last vacation. Not a work thing, but an honest vacation. Did you relax? Did you enjoy yourself? Or did you run around from thing to thing, dragging your kids away from more crap that they didn’t need and sleeping less than you do on a work day to make that early flight? That has always been my vacation. Even when we would go to the lake house with my extended family. It’s always supposed to be about relaxing with a book and a beer, but it never is.

Instead we plan each moment of the day and try to fill it with stuff that causes me stress due to cost and keeps me from enjoying whatever I am attempting to read. But this, this is what a vacation should be. This is what I will measure every future vacation against. And you should too. If you ever have a two day span as good or better than what you read here over the next few days, please, tell me about it. Now that I know vacations like this exist I will constantly be looking for proof of them.

Arrival – ‘What are you wearing?’

I was honestly a little surprised at how nervous I was. The entire plane flight I wasn’t really even thinking about what happened when we would land. I read my book. The turbulence made it too difficult to write, but smut always works. After leaving the plane, however, I started to think. ‘What if we don’t hit it off? What if he isn’t attracted to me? What if I can’t find him?’ We texted as I walked through the terminal and found the baggage claim. It didn’t take long to spot the bright red suitcase. But Jack wasn’t there. I checked my phone again. He had written something about stopping in the cell lot until I got to the baggage claim, I must have missed it during my check-in call with Sir to let him know that I arrived. I quickly wrote him back and walked through the crowd outside to wait.

After a few minutes I thought I spotted his car (he had texted the color and model so I could find him). He drove past me and pulled in about fifty feet down the fire line. I quickly collected my things and started toward him, only to realize that it wasn’t Jack. Another older couple was loading their bags into the back and giving the driver a hug. After cursing all modern automobiles, I messaged him again to let him know that I was now under a different sign and what I was wearing. He has seen pictures of my face, but in all the nervous energy and madness of the airport, I thought anything extra may help. He didn’t respond. The perfectly obvious explanation that he was driving and therefore shouldn’t be texting eluded me as my anxieties grew. Where was he? Did he drive by and turn around? Had he picked up that elderly couple just to avoid me? As I said, lack of logic.

Another few minutes passed and I started to think of back-up plans. Not that I had too many options as I didn’t know anyone in the city or how to get around. I could just head down to my cousin’s early; I was pretty sure my train ticket could be exchanged. The worry section of my brain was working in overdrive as I recognized his face in the car that pulled up just ahead of me. Instantaneously all my worries of abandonment were replaced with body image and personality issues instead. Not to be outdone, my nose started running in earnest (again, thank you head cold) right as he came up to say hi and help me put my bag in his trunk. So now I figured I must have looked like a paranoid coke addict and I’m shocked he let me in his car.

Concerns about our connection and compatibility were fleeting. We had so much in common and so much we could talk about. The ride back to their house was quick, but still enough time to hear hilarious stories about each other’s families. The laughs and mutual annoyances of our respective extended families were the perfect way to break the ice. Political and social issue similarities helped too as walked the hall to their condo. By the time we got to the door, I was priding myself on having only a modern amount of sheer terror that I wasn’t what he had expected.

Introductions  – ‘And here’s the bedroom. You’ll be spending a lot of time in here.’

After we arrived at their house, unloaded the car and had the cursory tour, we made our way back to the bedroom and balcony. Two days seems like a long time, but I think both of us knew how fast it was going to disappear. Sitting on the bed he asked if he could take off my boots for me. I honestly had to ask him what he said again. He knelt in front of me and slowly unzipped my boots and removed my socks before kissing my legs from toe to thigh. It was incredibly erotic. But also, completely surreal. I’m the sub, no one kneels in front of me, that’s my job. It felt good, but also wrong somehow. Like the idea of me enjoying this special treatment was a violation of my collar in someway. I love being pampered, don’t get me wrong. That’s just not how Sir and I have set up our dynamic.

Jack and Jill have their own blog. They have been running theirs about twice as long as I have mine. And, as such, they do a wonderful job posting photos of various things. They did/do various photo memes and other personal hobbies. Therefore, I was not surprised when Jack pulled out a beauty of a camera. I was jealous,  showing a little bit of penis-envy holding my much smaller and less-equipped Nikon. And one of the features of this not-at-all compensating camera is a setting called ‘intervalometer’, where it will auto-focus on a take a photo every 3.5 seconds. So it creates this sort of flip-book effect over time. The clicking was quite distracting at first, but I was quickly pulled to focus on other things. Though I did love that there were large chunks of photos where we just laying there cuddling or sitting and talking. I love the connection that shows, rather that just a casual sex partner. I’m not sure how they will look cropped or with faces blurred, but I hope I can put together some sort of photo essay that shows how great those intimate moments were with the more obvious sexy ones.

Jack and Rye cuddling in bed.