Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Friendly Visit

He arrived in the middle of a snow storm. Driving back to the house I was doing 40 mph on the highway. Luckily, he was willing to talk so I could concentrate on the road. We grabbed some dinner and I dropped him at the B&B to try and get some sleep. My husband wasn’t comfortable with him staying at the house, which I respected. It was easier with the kids at home anyway. So it was a compromise I was happy to give to make him feel more secure.

Thursday was our ‘day to live life to the fullest’. After running some errands and grabbing breakfast we hit the road for Amish country. It was a long day in the car, but I wanted to show him something he really couldn’t experience on the rest of his travels. Honestly, we could have the spent the entire 36 hours in a coffee shop just talking. We spent a long time in the car talking about everything from Australian politics to childhood antics. Getting to hear his voice, rather than endless written conversations was such a relaxing feeling.

It was a productive day. We bought a lot of ingredients and cooked dinner at the house for us and my husband. It wasn’t near as awkward as it could have been. We laughed and cooked together. So many of our conversations are focused around enjoying moments. Cooking dinner and eating together were two amazing moments that I will never forget.

My friend left on Friday. It was sad to see him go. I feel like just having him here was a huge confidence boost. I don’t want him to go back to being just my twitter boyfriend. If anything, this trip has proved how much more we are to each other.

He and I have a relationship of similar paths. Even though twenty years in age separates us, we have a lot in common. And not just in our experiences. We think the same way. It is rare that we need to explain feelings to each other. As soon as he tells me about an event or interaction I know he felt about it. Our brains process the same way. I didn’t realize it completely until we met in person and I found myself nodding along to his stories.

Kink didn’t come up too much. It was how we first started talking, but I’m not sure it’s what really connects us anymore. We have much more that we relate to. BDSM will always be a part of us, but it’s taken on this unspoken role. Honestly, because I think it would create a sexual tension that we are trying to get away from. He and I have played with that tension often in the last several years. One or other of us asks the question or changes our needs to include various things. There was a period where we considered a form of D/s dynamic. And there were even moments of weakness, on both our parts, where we would plan our lives together on some island somewhere; far away from our current troubles and responsibilities. While these grand plans sound good at the time, they always end up being selfish fantasies.

Even though I think we both are comfortable with our non-physical relationship, there were a few tense moments. Not in any negative way. There were just a few times where I really wanted to give him a kiss, even just on the cheek. And, I’ll admit, the idea of giving him a blow job as a Christmas gift did cross my mind. But I was good. I didn’t go into the Bed and Breakfast with him and I kept my dirty comments to a minimum.

We said goodbye already talking about another trip. I’m not sure my finances will allow me to travel to Australia anytime soon, but I am more than willing to try. To find someone that you connect with on such a deep level is pretty amazing, and I know both of us recognize how lucky we are.

I miss him already.

A Day Without Meds

I walked out the door yesterday morning without taking my depression medication. I have done it before.

The morning was good. I really like my job. I feel that my talents and hard work are respected. I have several ongoing projects and my own work space. It’s busy, but very rewarding. My work hours usually pass very quickly. Yesterday was a tad more stressful than normal. We had a few emergencies, but the day ended well. Even getting the kids home wasn’t too crazy.

But the evening took a nose dive I wasn’t prepared for. My twitter boyfriend is going through a tough time. But he started talking about how he dealing with fights with his wife and I forgot that. He was talking about walking away from his kink desires and leaving BDSM go. I got mad. He and I had discussed expanding our relationship and how we felt about each other. He was basically walking away from it. And he didn’t seem bothered by it at all. I don’t want him to fight with his wife, I really don’t. In that moment I just hurt. I wasn’t thinking about logic, I was just being selfish. But I want him to be happy. And I want the chance to see what happiness we could create together.

I shared how much he meant to me recently. How much I cared about him. And I knew he probably didn’t feel the same way. But what I got was “thanks”. I wasn’t ready for ‘thanks’. And ever since then I see him pulling further and further away. And I know he’s dealing with a lot right now. That just makes me feel even worse about everything. He can’t give me what I want from him. And rather than respect it, I just get upset. He’s not doing anything wrong, he’s just trying to be honest. But last night, honesty hurt too much.

My mood just crumbled. All I wanted to do was eat junk food and go to sleep. I didn’t even want sex. And please understand how big that is for me to say. When an orgasm doesn’t even sound good, I’m in a bad place.

So the moral of the story is, I really need to remember to take my meds. Because orgasms are always a good idea.

That’s a bad idea

Have you ever wanted something so badly, but you knew it was a terrible idea? This happens to me more often than I’d like. And I’m usually good at being an adult (okay, I’m mediocre at best). I can resist the temptation for quite a while, using logic and reason to deter my bad judgment.

We have a dog. She’s a lovely a boxer that we rescued. She’s amazing with the kids and the perfect amount of cuddly. I would love to get another dog that she can train. A friend to spend time with while Sir and I are at work. Ever since our other dog passed away tragically in 2012, I’ve struggled with the idea of getting another dog. But now that we are settled in our own home, I think it would be good.

Getting another dog is a great bad idea. The reality is that Sir and I both work full time. So adding a new dog (possibly even a puppy) to the house when we wouldn’t be here to train them is a terrible plan. That and since our other dog died, our boxer has gotten very comfortable being an ‘only dog’. She does okay when my parents or mother-in-law visit with their dogs, but she’s pretty territorial of us. Forcing her to take on a puppy when she already deals with the kids doesn’t seem very fair.

This is how my bad ideas go. Even with all the logical reasons why I shouldn’t, I still really want a puppy. I’m sure it’s an emotional crutch, but as soon as I felt I was ready for another dog I wanted one right away. Even though it wasn’t a good time for us. So now that we are in a better place, it’s eating at me again. The same thing happened when my biological clock started ticking and I wanted to have a baby. It wasn’t a good time, but I didn’t care. Sir and I came up with a plan and what we need before we could start trying; I was an emotional mess for almost six months. Then each month I wasn’t pregnant was shit show.

I think it’s the way that some ideas in my brain demand immediate gratification. I have a tattoo on my back from college that I got because I woke one morning and wanted it. I don’t really regret it, but I probably should have thought about it longer. All my tattoos mean something to me; that one represents not only my college roommate, but also my lack of patience.

So these good bad ideas come up from time to time. And it’s not that they are inherently bad ideas. It’s just that at the time it is not going to work out how I want. This thing with the twitter boyfriend is like that. There are so many outside factors that I have no control over. And rather than take a step back and let things work themselves out, I get impatient. Being upset doesn’t help anyone and it just makes me feel like crap. I don’t want to be this selfish person.

I just need to let some bad ideas go until they can be good ideas. Hopefully this fall when Sir starts working from home a puppy will be more realistic as he will be here to care for it. And maybe if I let some other things fall into place first, my emotional situation with my friend may improve. But even if it doesn’t, I won’t have caused irreparable damage.

Biased Support

So my Twitter Boyfriend had a ‘conversation’ with this wife. And by conversation, I mean that their talk ended with an ultimatum that he has to choose between kink or their marriage. My heart broke for him when he told me. I know that this is what he feared. His exploration into kink was headed in this direction, but I certainly wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon.

He and I are very close. Despite my post yesterday and my being bummed that I’m not his pet anymore, he’s still very much an important part of my life. The other night he admitted that I know more about him than anyone except his wife (more than his wife in some cases). That meant so much to me. And the idea that that could be ending hurts. But I certainly cannot judge him. He’s in a impossible position that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, much less a dear friend.

He can choose kink, which means he leaves. He can openly search out kink relationships and explore the online community. He wouldn’t have to worry about how she feels about his desires. There wouldn’t be any guilt in his actions. He would be allowed to be himself.

But that doesn’t come without consequences. There is no guarantee that he would find a person who shares his desires and kinks. We still live half a world apart.  And he would be walking away from the longest relationship he has ever had. They have children together (albeit grown). It’s not something that’s easy to dismiss.

If he decides that the risk isn’t worth the reward, he chooses the relationship. He stays with his wife and they continue together. However, there is no kink. No online presence, no in-person meetings, no discussion of desires or fantasies. And (obviously most important to me), we can’t talk anymore. I believe that to mean everything. No Skyping, no Twitter, no email. He couldn’t read my blog or have any relationship with me as I represent something he should be avoiding.

He would be giving up kink, the idea of kink, everything. Voicing his desires and talking to her about trying things, let alone talking to anyone else, would be out of the question. I couldn’t offer support or help in any way as he deals with it either.  A portion of who he is would be shut down.

I’ll admit I’m having a hard time being unbiased. I can’t imagine being put in that position. Being told to choose between a person you care about or your own happiness. And that is grossly oversimplified. I just can’t imagine being told that I had to give up kink. At this point I see it as my sexual orientation, to walk away from that would be living a lie.

I’m trying to help with perspective. I would never tell him what to do. Even rooting for kink has me encouraging a man to end his marriage. That idea turns my stomach. But I also want him to be happy. So I’ve taken a step back for a bit to allow him to think things through. I will be nonjudgmental support, no matter what.

Social Gatherings

So one of the guy’s I chat with on Twitter had a sexy rondez-vous weekend with his wife and another couple. The Twitter boyfriend is meeting up with a nearby Domme and he is wisely bringing her champagne. I’m honestly not sure who I am more jealous of. Ok, one of those interactions includes sex, so I guess it is pretty clear which one I would choose. But that’s not really the point. Both sound like fun.

I really thought that moving into smaller and smaller cities since we entered the lifestyle would make socializing difficult. But of those being honest about their location on Fetlife, this area is full of lovely kinksters. But with Sir and I now both having full-time jobs outside the home, time is limited. Finding time to fuck each other is hard, much less sex with others. But it’s something that I think both of us are getting more and more interested in. Getting out to meet and be social in kink community needs to happen now that we are settled.

When I was a young mother (my kids are nearly 5 and 3, I’m old), I wanted to meet and chat with other mom’s. Sip coffee and provide emotional support as we laugh and swap poop stories. Now BDSM is my new topic of choice. Talking to other bloggers, other submissives, or possible play partners would be a happy afternoon. Even if it was chatting about board games and cider brands along with sex toys. Order a pizza, watch some goofy TV show and then fuck like rabbits on our oversize couch. It’s a like a dream weekend for me.

Guess I just need to get and meet more locals so I can be social too.

A Pet for Good Behavior

After my experience with being loaned, I realized that a permanent second dominant wasn’t going to work in my life. Between work, my kids, and Sir there just isn’t enough time left. I would always feel like I was short-changing him. However, I still craved the control and attention that Sir didn’t always have the time or energy to give me. I’m selfish like that.

Enter my good friend from twitter. He has always classified himself as sub, an unrequited sub in most cases. We have been talking for a long time and have quite a bit in common despite our age difference. He has supported and helped me through a lot in the last several months and I consider one of my closest friends, even though he lives half a world away.

He has been doing a lot of reading as of late and is entering an amazing new period of discovery of himself and his relationships. So we are looking at redefining our friendship as well. I am now his pet (Can I just say **Woohoo** as this has been something I’ve been reading and fantasizing about for a very long time?). We are really taking our time with this. We don’t want to alter our friendship so much that it cannot be repaired if this experiment doesn’t go to plan. We started working on our diets and exercise together, so we are just going to ramp that up a bit. I have to take body measurements and he is going to put together an exercise schedule once I get settled in the new job. Like I said, slow.

Sir has been supportive. Controlling my diet is not on his list of fun things. That and he knows how much I go gooey when I am called ‘pet’. I have been wearing a smile the entire weekend and I don’t think he is going to complain.

Both of us have marriages (his isn’t D/s) and kids and jobs, and we want to respect that as we play around with adding this dynamic to our friendship. We don’t really have a label as yet, though he calls me pet (which I find gooey and lovely, if you were following along). There will be slow changes as we add things and change rules and reporting. Eventually he may decide to set up some sort of reward/punishment system. Sir has offered to give punishments. Somehow he was quiet when rewards were mentioned. But again, there are things to take into consideration. Buying me things isn’t an option until his wife understands what this is, if then. And rushing him isn’t what this is about, for either of us.

So I’m sure I’ll be talking about how this relationship progresses and what comes of it. Maybe I’ll see, as we sort out some sort of label for this, if I can put him on my cast list on here too. Either way I’m sure I will be wearing a smile for my first day of work this morning.

Fresh Fantasies

Okay, time to let go of the last week and make that experience a memory. Time to move on to what is coming. And hopefully that will be me… a lot (okay, you knew I couldn’t side step that opportunity).

I ordered my tickets for my sexy vacation this fall. I guess technically it’s only half a sexy vacation. I will be spending the second half of it visiting my cousin in Los Angeles. She’s been out there for almost a year now. She’s doing well, but I miss her. She’s the youngest on both sides of my family and I always looked at her as a little sister. I’ll be crashing on her couch  for a few nights while she shows me around town. We are even talking about getting matching tattoos. She is the other tattoo addict in the family. It should be a good time.

However, before I head down to her I’ll be hopefully crashing in bed (not their couch) with a couple on the west coast. It’s not really a loan by Sir, he’s just letting me have some fun with a pair I’ve been flirting with for the last several months. If anything, he’s jealous that my first threesome won’t be with him. Not that he begrudges me this experience. At this point the way I grin from ear to ear whenever we talk about it, he is almost as excited as I am. I have been ordered to get lots of pictures though.

In any case the fantasies that have resulted from this upcoming trip have been numerous. All those films where people meet at the airport. It starts like that. And ends with naked Chinese food and eighties movies.

Maybe my fantasies aren’t normal. In which case, don’t judge my naked Chinese food fantasies.

Common goals

Rye in bed with a thin night shirt onSir’s rules about masturbation during the day are simple. I can play during the day if the kids let me (not a guarantee). If I orgasm, I have to tell him, but that’s it. I can chat and send pictures to him or others while I do so as well. Admittedly I don’t take every opportunity to do this. Sometimes when the kids are calm just sipping a cup of coffee and clicking through the Netflix cue is nice. But every once in awhile inspiration strikes. Sometimes it’s Sir giving me an order by text to put my plug in for an hour or telling me he’s hard at his desk after reading the day’s blog post. But more often than not it’s a good friend on twitter, asking for a virtual hand.

Rye climbing into the shower
Sometimes we take showers together

We have a great friendship that includes talking about our kids, our jobs, and our amazing nerd fascinations. We are also good at getting each other riled up. Pictures are exchanged of large bulges in pants and bras that aren’t holding much in. Soon clothes are off, hands and the Doxy are working hard. We send encouraging words with our photos as well as updates on our personal progress. I won’t speak for him, but for me, it’s a boost of confidence as I let my fantasies run wild. Touching myself is fun, but being told how sexy I am while doing it is even better.

Sharing fantasies is a nice way to get and keep a solo session fresh. And his dirty talk never fails. Knowing that I am inspiring him and helping him come. It’s amazing how good it is when I read, “That is so fucking hot!” as I let my vibrator work.

Rye's ass with a lovely blue thong.
Showing off some bruises and marks that Sir gave me.

I think this has just been a great way for me to work through my juvenile thoughts on shame and masturbation. It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve been able to enjoy and relax enough to actually orgasm on my own. I think that is one of the reasons that Sir has been so supportive of my twitter fun. He likes the self-confidence boost that it gives me. So do I. I have struggled with body image and sexual shame for years, so the last few years have been an amazing experience. So having the freedom to send pictures and share sexual cravings with twitter friends without fear of judgement is a big step.
I also enjoy the casual nature of our ‘relationship’. We flirt, we masturbate together. Always with a common goal of making the other person feel sexy and desired. But it’s not all about sex. We support and share our lives as well, but hot pictures and dirty thoughts are a large part of it. And that’s what makes it fun.

Rye working toward orgasm with the Doxy
My Doxy and I are quite close

My sexual nature continues to grow with my appetite for sexual experiences. Getting better at knowing my body and my own pleasure is important to me. And having someone to help encourage that process and support it has been amazing. And a bonus is we get to have hard and glorious orgasms together. It’s a win/win.

The moral of this long-winded story is that masturbation can be a fantastic group activity. And knowing that I can help someone come that is three thousand miles away is a good feeling. Certainly a perfect excuse to keep working my skills.

I’m close just thinking about it.

Masturbation Monday logo

 

Talk a big talk

I haven’t always wanted to have sexual experiences with multiple partners. Having been cheated on in high school and remembering that hurt, I always thought I would remain a serial monogamist. And it wasn’t like that bothered me. Those who refused to settle down and commit to one person were always depicted as players and incapable of growing up. Family and TV cemented this idea.

Since starting this BDSM journey with Sir, the fantasy of playing with other people and couples continues to grow. Nothing against Sir, but even he admits that he doesn’t have the expertise in all of my kinks. BDSM isn’t just about sex, there is so much more to share. But I’ll admit, the sexual aspect is a large draw. Most of my hottest fantasies include being used (and abused) by others. Sir is usually there, often taking part. Though having him loan me out to a couple has become a dream weekend I would take in a heartbeat.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me feels like I’m getting really turned on at the thought of being unfaithful. What does that say about me? That I’m a slut who loves sex. That I appreciate that other people can give me a sexual experience that I would love to have. That Sir and I could learn from others and have a great time doing it. As long as we are both honest and keep communicating with each other, I think it’s okay. I don’t want Sir to feel like I am not putting his needs first or that I am in any way saying that he doesn’t make me happy.

I don’t think I would classify myself as poly though. Just because I want to have sexual experiences with others and enjoy what they can bring to my kink, doesn’t mean that I love them or want to have a long-term romantic relationship with them. I don’t think I could love another person like I love Sir. And I don’t want to share the life we’ve built together. But I would always love to have another sexy friend. I don’t know that I would feel comfortable having sex with a stranger, I want to know you and have a connection. I want to talk to you about what books you like and what silly thing your kids did.

So is me craving a network of friends with benefits just me trying to justify my parting with serial monogamy? Have any of you struggled with the desire to add another person or people to your play? Was there an emotion backlash the first time you did? Did it change your relationship for the better? For the worst?

The Odd Art of Negotiation

“What do you want for your birthday, cunt? You have been a good girl this year and you deserve a nice treat”.

I considered my answer very carefully. I’m not all about asking for a big silly diamond or anything expensive. Instead I had a weirder request. Not a book or a dinner out. No, my birthday wish was something else completely.

“Interesting choice of words, a treat.” I smiled up at him. I’m sure I looked like one of our toddlers asking for another pack of fruit snacks or something, he could see right through me.

“Oh? You already have an idea you little minx. What are you thinking?”

“Remember I told you that Graham had a work conference in New York coming up and we were talking about restaurants and where he should stay?”

“Your twitter boyfriend from Vancouver? Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, he has a few extra vacation days and I was wondering if we could invite him to stop here for a visit so we could finally meet.”

“Meet, or meet and greet?”

“Entirely dependent upon our lovely dom’s permissions. I would just like to meet him in person as I’ve only known him through our twitter talks, but it’s been more than a year now. I don’t know what Hannah would feel comfortable with him doing as far as loaning him out or anything like that.”

“I will take your request under advisement.”

“Thank you Sir.” I expected that to be the end of it. Graham and I had promised to mention it, but neither of us thought our spouses would go for it. We were happy to just be pen pals, but who knew if this opportunity would ever present itself again. What harm was there in asking?

*                                *                                   *                                   *

Graham:

Did you talk to Sir about me coming through Ohio on my way to NYC?

Elizabeth:

Yeah, I thought you were going to talk to Mistress too.

Graham:

Well, Sir beat me to the punch.

Elizabeth:

Oh shit! Sorry. I hope I didn’t get you into trouble. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday. It was too good a window to pass up. I’m surprised he got in touch with her. He seemed pretty noncommittal when I mentioned it.

Graham:

I was practically struck dumb when I came home and she said she had gotten off the phone with him.

Elizabeth:

The phone? He must have gotten into my phone and gotten your number. Was she mad?

Graham:

No, she said she wanted to think about it and have another conversation with Sir to set some parameters, but she seemed to be considering it.

Elizabeth:

Really? You might actually be able to come? Do dinner, have a conversation face to face? Give my keyboard a break?

Graham:

No expectations, we’ll see what she and Sir come up with. Maybe him contacting her was the right way to play it. She can ask him any questions and get all the assurances she needs to be comfortable. I can promise her anything, but I think it means a little more coming from him.

Elizabeth:

I understand that. And I’m sure he will be clear about his requirements and exactly what is expected.

Elizabeth:

I need to go get the kids. I’ll keep you posted.

Graham:

Thanks. Fingers crossed.

*                           *                              *                                  *

“How much do you love me cunt?” He had that look. A look that could mean I was about to be very very happy, or in an awful lot of trouble. Until I knew which way the hammer was going to fall, I learned to always respond the same way.

“More than my service can possibly show Sir.” He smiled and kissed my forehead.

“That’s what I thought. Happy early birthday.” He handed me a paper with several handwritten notes. “I just got off the phone with Graham’s Mistress. These are the terms we have agreed to. If you and he accept them, then he is welcome to come and be your birthday gift.”

I grinned eagerly and tried to read through the scribbles as quickly as possible.

Agreed Terms:

-Arrive Friday afternoon, leave Sunday late-morning. He will need transport to and from the airport.

-He is a service sub on loan  to me for those dates only. He will follow my orders as his dominant until he leaves our home

-Chastity device will be worn at all times. A key will be forwarded to his hotel in NYC for removal once he gets there. (further clarification to be discusses

-Any penetration = condom, no exceptions

-He is to pamper Beth as she sees fit. Cook, clean, sexual favors, etc. 

“I can’t see anything here that I would object to. Is this it?” I didn’t want to push my luck, but I didn’t want to miss something important.

“There may be some additions made, but that’s the basics. She and I have decided to have a conversation once he gets here and we see how things progress. I wanted to have the opportunity to see how you two interact. Neither of us are worried, don’t get that idea, but I want to assure her of some things before I let you loose with him.” He could see my grin growing as he was talking, I knew he could.

I was so excited. Graham was coming. He knew everything about what I had gone through over the last year with all my kinky stuff. He let me vent through Sir and my fights about protocols all the way down to hilarious quotes the kids said. I talked to him about my feelings almost as much as I talked to Sir. There was something about him that made me comfortable. He was dealing with a lot of the same issues as he and his Mistress were getting settled in their relationship. A few years older and much wiser than me, he always had a positive word and a supportive ear. But he was always on the other side of the country. We had talked about meeting somewhere nearer to him in Canada or Washington state at one point, but the dates never worked. And we were always concerned about our partners. It wasn’t necessarily about a sexual relationship, but I wouldn’t judge them for thinking that. And now he was coming.

He was coming to be my toy for an entire weekend. No expectations my ass.

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This story will continue as I find I am very inspired to write it. Check out other weird inspirations for this week’s Wicked Wednesday.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings