Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Weekend

Sigh.

I’m just trying to take everything in from this weekend. Let me show you my dichotomy problem.

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Stress relief.
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Sir’s Stress Relief.

We need to talk about how much I hate tape. Not the duct tape, though I hate that too. It’s the black electrical tape that Sir wrapped the clothespins with. They stick to the skin and it hurts like a bitch. I’d rather have the splinters.

But anyway, this represents my weekend. We tore out a wall at the new house; at least two more will come down before we’re done. We are still trying to figure out what we’re going to be doing with the kitchen. We have a complete remodel planned, but the space is funky and we still need to figure out where everything is going to go.

The second picture was actually taken first (Thursday night, technically). This was the night that things went terribly wrong. Luckily, my mother-in-law took the kids for some grandma time on Friday. Sir and I ordered a pizza and did a lot of talking. We are both putting a lot of pressure on him. So we are taking a look at everything, maybe taking a step back. Clutching my collar a little tighter the last few days.

I’m worried I can already feel my attitude slipping. I’m not brating, but the thoughts enter my head more than I like. I’m weird about control. Things that I could easily let go of bother me a lot more. And the mounting stress of this renovation isn’t helping. I’m heading to the house two days this week, which is two days of paid work that I have to make up for. Then our budget for this reno is already tightening. At one point over the weekend we had water coming through one of the ceiling fans. Because, why not?

So I’m trying to take one day at a time. We are trying to take one day at a time. And I’m trying to keep everything in perspective. We’ll get there; and this type of relationship doesn’t just happen. Everything takes works along with trial and error. We were just getting so wrapped up in the labels that we weren’t having fun. To be fair, I’m not really having fun now, but at least we will be in the right space moving forward. I just hope that our pace isn’t completely halted by everything else.

I thought for a moment about going to get my hair cut off. A gesture of my ‘freedom’. And as soon as I thought it, I grabbed my long hair and couldn’t let go. I’ve got it bad.

A swift kick

Monday is going to be my swift kick in the ass to get up and going. I am getting lonely at this little pity party and honestly, I just don’t have time for it.

I let little things get to me. They used to put me into depressive slumps that would last for days. Now, with the meds, I have made progress and I can pull myself out of the dips after a good night sleep and some good coffee. Last night, however, was not a good night sleep. With Sir gone the 4yo and the dog slept with me. And the baby’s cough came back last night and kept me up listening. He’s a healthy kid, it’s not like he’s going to stop breathing or anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t lay there in a mom panic.

But, tired or not, I have to let crap go. Sir will be home tonight, so that will sort out the piece of me that is missing him. I worry about the blog, whether you guys are bored with me. When my stats go down I fret about what I am writing and what I need to change. So, sorry, but I can’t worry about that either. I just have to write what I write. This blog wasn’t really about getting a J.K. Rowling writing deal (I’m not that diluted). This is my journey, which I will be the first to admit isn’t always entertaining. But every day can’t be filled with hours of beatings and rough sex when you have young children. Maybe after a few more years of practice we’ll get a sexier rhythm down.

So, today is about letting it go and focusing on this week. The house may close as early as Friday. So I’m racing to line up survey companies and see about getting fence quotes. We really want to have a fence in before the ground freezes. If we are going to be working on renovations over the weekends, our dog and dad’s dog need to be able to go outside safely. And, I have my paid work to do too. I can’t get behind on that as we start this renovation process or I will never catch up. Oh yeah, and the boys destroyed my lovely clean house over the weekend, so I will have to work on that in my free time.

And, because that’s not enough, this weekend Sir let me sew. It’s an addictive hobby. I’m working on a baby size quilt. He let me work on the piecing on Saturday and now all I want to do is keep working on it. It’s so relaxing. So I may try to squeeze in some sewing in the next few days. I would love to have it ready for quilting so I can take it around during the holidays. It’s nice when people want to sit and visit to have something to do. And groping Sir isn’t always appropriate around family (or so I’ve been told).

Need more coffee. My day just got really busy really fast.

And that is all…

The inspection came back fine, except for some high radon levels. The sellers just got back to us and they are going to pay for 100% of the radon mitigation system.

Sir and I are finally over all the hurdles and are actually buying a house.

Buy a home. Have 2.5 kids (.5 for the dog). Enjoy fried foods. Yup, that’s the American dream sorted.

Renovation Overload

Sir and I are dreamers. And when you mix that with my obsessive need to plan, you get a crazy mess. My pinterest has gone from funny coffee memes and pictures of half-naked men to row after row of kitchens. And you can see a marked difference between the bright, bold colors of the rooms that Sir likes and the rustic french style that I love. That will be a fight for another day. They are all pretty, but it will be hard to marry any drastic style with the rest of the house.

But, along with looking at pictures of kitchens, we are also trying to sort out a small bathroom and a mudroom. My netflix is running constant with design shows and remodel programs. I know how to do most of the work. My dad completely gutted one of the many houses we lived in growing up. I grew up around renovations. I’ve painted, stained and reupholstered more furniture than I can even remember. The idea of buying new just doesn’t provide the challenge. I have several pieces that I want to do before we move into the new place.

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I found this piece at a flea market a month or so ago. Right now it’s in our kitchen. It was $50. It was originally a victrola player; it even has the paper stamp on the bottom. Someone has removed the inter-workings and lined the box with cedar. The top would have originally opened on both sides, but they connected them so it’s one hinged top. The finish needs a lot of work. But I love the ornate details of it. Sir talked about putting our toys in it. Not sure that would work to organize them though. We’ll see when I get it done if he still wants it in the bed room or not.

Anyway, the renovation gears are turning. Small spaces, low budgets, and very different styles will make this renovation interesting. But don’t worry. We’ll keep it nice and kinky. I’ll refinish the furniture naked with ball gag.

All the family day

So today is quite the family day. The local zoo does a Boo at the Zoo event. It’s a nice way to trick or treat with little kids. They can run around and get a few pieces of candy (which Sir and I will end up eating). Sir’s mom is coming along for some ‘nana time’. It should be fun. Hopefully the kids won’t struggle too much with their costumes. The 4 year-old wasn’t keen on dressing up last year, but this time around he seems much more interested. The baby is just happy to be walking. And really, it’s not about the candy anyway.

After we get some lunch we are taking Sir’s mom to show her the new house. The inspection went pretty well, but we do have a radon issue. Hopefully that will be fixed without too much of a fight. There are small things we knew about already and a few we didn’t. A few windows need replaced, but they were in the kitchen remodel plan anyway. So hopefully things will keep moving forward. Looking to get the keys around Thanksgiving. I would love to get the fence in before the ground freezes, but considering how scary this winter is supposed to be, I’m not holding my breath.

Along with the mother-in-law, my parents and my mom’s sister are coming to the house too. There will be a lot of measuring and chatter with various ideas of how to do this first floor renovation. I will do a lot of before and after shots as we go. But one day at a time.

A big day with family today, but just us and the kids tomorrow. Hoping for some play time tonight, but we both might be beat, so no expectations. However, I will say that the boys have been going to sleep without too many issues lately. It has been nice to have a little more time in the evening, but we have been so tired we haven’t had a lot of hard play. Maybe we’ll eat the candy the kids get today so we can stay up tonight. Sugar rush BDSM. I’ll let you know how bad of an idea that turns out to be.

Sex on the brain

Sex, sex, sex. My brain is on sex overdrive. I wonder if this is what a teenage boy experiences. My pussy clenches every few minutes. Which has been working out well because I have to jump from thing to thing lately. So between each task I get a few seconds to think about cock.

Yesterday afternoon Sir sent me a message.

Rye, you are ordered to not let me go to sleep until you have had at least three orgasms. 

Let’s just say that that made my afternoon a little wetter and a lot longer.

So last night we had some fun piss play and I crawled to my little bed I got into position. I made sure Sir completed his task. Double penetration may be a new obsession of mine. More on that another day.

Today is our house inspection. I really like this house, so I hope it goes well. I have a list of questions from Sir and my father. Dad and I have done a lot of renovations, but if something is wrong with the foundation or structure we would have to walk away. And that would stink as my Pinterest is already going crazy with kitchen ideas and I would hate to have to start the house search from scratch again. So fingers crossed we get a good report.

Hopefully my pussy won’t clench all morning while I’m trying to listen to what the inspector is saying.

Thank You

Inspiration has been a bit lacking lately. Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe my emotions over the last week. The newest is just saying ‘Thank you’. It sounds so easy. I say it to Sir all the time. And it’s not like I’m rude in public. I say thank you. But this is a different animal.

Sir’s mom has offered to help us pay for daycare for the kids. Right now they go half-day. I am supposed to do my paid work in the morning and then attempt to clean and get housework done in the afternoon. But with the boys here I can rarely get everything sorted out. Now, with the house and all of the work that needs to be sorted I am struggling to get my work done in the mornings as well. Tomorrow is our inspection and I know that that will take my entire morning. So the idea of having the freedom in the afternoon to complete work and stay up with the house would be great. Sir and I have talked about sending them for the whole day before, but it was hard to justify the expense. I don’t get paid that much and we are trying to save for the renovation and moving. So I should take her generous gift and just say thank you.

But I was raised that you should work for things. So the idea of just taking money from her sounds horrible. It’s the same with my parents, that are helping us with the down payment of the house so we can save our money for the renovation. I know that they just want to help. They want us to be in a nice home. And I can try to accept it by way of saying that it’s for the kids. They would do well at preschool and daycare full-time. They are social kids and they can get more exercise and interaction than I can give them at home. In the afternoons I am focused on cleaning and I don’t give them the attention they deserve.

So it’s good. I should be happy. But I still feel like I’m taking something that I haven’t earned. This is going to be a rough few months.

Barking Children

This week’s Wicked Wednesday topic is revisiting an old blog post. So I went about as old as I could. I found a post back in 2010 called Bad Neighbors. This was when I was blogging about Sir and my’s journey to become parents, long before we found kink and BDSM. But I was writing about my concerns in balancing two dogs with a job and housework. What a difference five years makes.

But this writing is coming back around to me as we are buying our first home. The idea that we would be seen as bad neighbors scares me. We are hoping this will be our forever home. If we make a poor impression to the neighborhood, how do we come back from that? Right now we have one dog, but Sir and I have already talked about getting a puppy. Between a new puppy and the two boys, we could be the terror of the cul-de-sac if we’re not careful. And we want to make friends. We have little kids, so as much as it would great to have a complete circle of kink friends and other parents, it may not happen. We don’t live in a big city. The BDSM community exists, but it’s not large enough to meet all of our needs socially (that’s ok). So having neighbors with children that like us and will keep an eye on our house when we are on vacation would be nice. We want to get involved in our community (BDSM and local), and having a dog that barks all the time may hinder that. Though our current dog is actually pretty mellow, it’s the boys that will ruin us.

I do love how worried I was about becoming a mom. Worried that the balance wouldn’t work. Not sure I’ve figured it out yet, if I’m honest. Two kids, a part-time job, the house; I’m certainly struggling. Getting everything done is usually based on how much coffee I can mainline in the morning. But Sir’s happy with what I can accomplish, so I’m okay with it. And the kids are healthy (the baby is actually in the 90th percentile in every category) and happy. They have tantrums like every other kid, but they aren’t maiming small animals or breaking into the liquor cabinet just yet, so I’m not really worried.

And our current neighbors don’t hate us, so I guess it’s a win. I mow the lawn so it doesn’t look awful and the dog doesn’t terrorize everyone who walks by (just those who come onto the porch). Though the standards might not be as high as they will be in our new neighborhood. The house on our left has been empty and for sale since we moved in last year and our other neighbors are hoarders. But they are hoarders who like us, so….win.

See other bloggers visits to their pasts for this weeks Wicked Wednesday.

Wicked Wednesday

The waiting game

So we put in an offer on a house yesterday. They have until 2pm today to respond. It should be an interesting morning. I think that they are holding out to see if they get any other offers. Which pisses me off, if I’m honest, because it’s a very fair offer, but what are you going to do. Spending a lot of time on Pinterest looking at kitchens and bathrooms. Right about now I’m happy that we don’t have cable, or I would be watching HGTV entirely too much.

But, whether we get this house or not, I’m on serious budget crunch mode. After my work is done this morning I will be restructuring the budget to try and save whatever we can. The house is great, but it needs a lot of work to meet Sir’s standards before we move in. And once his priorities are met, I get the rest of the renovation budget to make the kitchen however I like. So, obviously, I want the largest amount possible to redo my kitchen. Wait until you see the before pictures, it needs a lot of help.

The stress of the last few days hasn’t left a lot of room for kinky. That and I have been battling a sore throat and wicked cough as well. Sir’s wake up blow jobs have been drastically truncated through his generosity and knowing how sore my throat is. Hopefully my body will fight off this change of season cold soon and he can get back to beating me without feeling guilty.