Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

TMI Tuesday: Love, Emotion, Trust

love emotion trust

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1. What would you do to leave a great impression with a person on your first date?

I’m pretty shy until I get to know someone, but generally on dates I try to be funny. I’m sure I don’t always succeed.

2. Do you usually follow your heart or your head?

My heart. Nearly always. And it’s usually not a good outcome. I think that following my heart usually means that I act impulsively. And, as this blog pretty clearly shows, it doesn’t often work out.

3. If your significant other told you to jump off a tall cliff and told you that you’ll land safely because there’s a net you can’t see yet, would you blindly trust your s.o. and jump?

Can I call bullshit on this one? I don’t really think Sir would ever ask/tell me jump off a cliff. And I’m not sure I would jump, even if he did. I don’t think it has anything to do with trust though. If it has something to do with the safety of the kids, then maybe. But honestly, I’m not for high intensity activities (sex doesn’t count).

4. How do you support your significant other?

Support is such a broad word. I work full-time and my job gives the family insurance. I try to clean and keep the kids from driving us both crazy. I hope I support him emotionally as much as he wants. We both have depression, so I think we both struggle sometimes to give/ask for the emotional support that we need. But I hope I do an okay job.

5. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel loved?

When people really listen to me. When someone buys me a gift that they actually thought about. I love just spending time with someone. Playing games, watching a movie. I might also be a cuddle slut.

6. What types of things or gestures/acts make you feel respected?

I feel respected at work when someone asks my opinion of something or asks me how to do something. Having my opinion and/or knowledge respected is big for me. I always appreciate a little credit too. I don’t really enjoy being the center of attention, but if I put a lot of work into a project and a boss or supervisor recognizes that effort I feel respected.

7. Can you have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy? Explain.

Yes. Speaking from my current place of having a partner with no sex drive to speak of, we still have a strong emotional connection. We’ve been together for ten years and we’ve had periods without physical intimacy before. We’ll get over this hurdle too, we always do.

Interestingly, for me, it’s the other way around. If I don’t have emotional intimacy it is very difficult for me to have positive physical intimacy. In my experience I cannot relax, I never orgasm, and I usually feel terrible afterwards.

Bonus:  In 2016, what was your most conflicted emotional moment?

Realizing that my connection with Jack was stronger than I had considered. This is important in it’s own right and I don’t want to down play it. But it is more the larger significance of learning that I could care about more than one person. That my love for Sir didn’t diminish. That I cared about him just as much, or more, because I also cared about someone else. My emerging understanding of how polyamory has manifested itself for me. I’m still not sure how it will grow and change as Sir and I get more (or less) comfortable with the idea. But I really love the idea that this could be something amazing.

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Societal norms and how they fuck with me

I spent my formative years in several different states, school districts, and houses. The bulk of which, however, was in a farm house and small school in western Ohio. A large, rural community with almost exclusively conservative undertones. As much as my parents ingrained their own liberal values, I was (I realize now) constantly affected by the societal expectations of my community.

Fast-forward to present day. I have a BDSM relationship with my husband and we have decided to open up our marriage. So, what do I do? I jump in with both feet. I had been talking with Jack from Jack and Jill for a long time on twitter. When the chance arose to meet him and his wife for a few days of fun I didn’t waste time considering outcomes. I went to California earlier this month and had a fabulous time.

The problem is, however, that I had a fabulous time. Jack and I connected on more than just a sexual level. We had more in common that I would have guessed. We just clicked. I’ve never laughed and orgasmed so much in two short days.

But when I left for Los Angeles, and even more so when I got home, I became confused and scared. What did our new relationship mean? Was I special or just another conquest for him? Would he ever want to see me again? How can I really ask him to consider me a part of his life when we live across the country and he has so many other partners?

Sir and I talked about my distress. And he mentioned something that really made me step back for a moment. He said “society leads women to believe that to be successful in a relationship they have to ‘land’ a man. There has to be commitment solidified, especially if sex is involved”. At first I wanted to argue with him, but in the case of my family and community, he was right. And I think that’s why I couldn’t help feeling like I failed with Jack.

Society was telling me that Jack should have been falling all over himself to propose to me. Telling me that our sex was the best he ever day. Which, a) he’s happily married, and b) if he told me I was the best sex I probably wouldn’t have believed him anyway. In order for it to have been a societal success he would have promised me something (I’m not even sure I understand what that would have had to have been).

But all relationships don’t fit into this fairy tale mold. Open relationships are fluid. People can have an enormous impact on your life and you may only see them a few times a year. Just because Jack cannot be a physical presence in my life everyday doesn’t mean that he isn’t special. And it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me. We just have to find a way to rework those ‘traditional’ perimeters of what we are to each other.

More importantly, however, I need to let go of these assumptions about what we can and cannot be. Labels have always bothered me, but I do hate it when I don’t understand where I stand with someone. Society would have enough trouble accepting my married with a lover status. Trying to find a definition of what being a ‘lover’ means outside of cheating is impossible.

Jack and I had a wonderful time. I also enjoyed the time spent with Jill in the evenings. Jack and I consider each other lovers and I’m sure we will find a way to see each other again. I’m going to try my best to leave it at that and not pressure him for more or demand less from myself. Society, and my local community, doesn’t know anything about kink life anyway. He can be my lover that no one needs to know about besides my husband. Because honestly, it’s none of their business anyway.

When Nights are Rough

I curled into him. He stroked my back and called me a ‘good girl’. My sobs slowed and my nostrils began to clear. I was exhausted. My stomach muscles hurt. My eyes stung. I just wanted to sleep for a week and forget all my poor choices. Forget the pain that I cause myself, because what good did it do me in that moment to blame others.

I reached up to turn the light off and rolled over. I rested my face against this chest. His chest hair was soft and smelled like him. He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me in. My lip began quivering again. I couldn’t cry anymore. I couldn’t possibly have any more tears left. I sighed as they began flowing again. I tried to roll away and he pulled me in closer.

I must have fallen asleep eventually. I wasn’t strong enough to fight his grip.  I woke in the night with dried tears and snot on my face. I sighed at how much my physical appearance probably matched my emotional state. I pulled the blanket up tight under my chin. Trying to let the warmth and softness lull me back to sleep. It didn’t work.

Just Ask Me Already!

Sir and I met in college. I don’t want to say that I trapped him, I didn’t. But I will say that I knew early on that I wanted to share my life with him. College dating is different that regular adult dating. We saw each other every day, not a date once or twice a week. So, the fact that we were talking about a shared future together after about four weeks makes a bit more sense. I think I had him talking marriage seriously in less than two months. It helps that the sex was amazing.

So, I guess it wasn’t terribly romantic, but we decided to get engaged. We had a custom ring made and it wasn’t a surprise to me at all. In fact, we planned a trip. I was doing research for a senior project and actually got some funding to travel to Scotland to visit the National Archives in Edinburgh. So with my ticket and hotel room sorted, all we had to cover was his plane ticket. Everyone in both our families knew we were going to come back engaged, but I was still super excited.

The flight over was long, we landed in Edinburgh in the morning and luckily the hotel allowed for early check in. We curled up for a quick nap and started a week of vacation fucking. I think I had been naked for at least two hours before I started getting antsy. When was he going to ask me? Where was the ring? Did he have something fancy planned.

But here’s the thing, and don’t take this the wrong way: Sir is not a planner. I mean, he’s a planner in his job and now in his dominant head space. But that was not college Sir. College Sir was definitely more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants kind of guy. So while I wondered if he had planned a big gesture, I knew in reality he probably hadn’t thought about it all. And that was okay, I’m not really all about surprises (I still struggle with detours during scenes). But we just aren’t grand gesture people. It’s the little things that work for us.

Little or big, I just wanted him to ask me so I wouldn’t get impatient and moody. I was going to be spending the next several days in a reading room in the archives while he walked the city. If I was going to focus on research I was really going to need the jitters out of the way.

So, while most couples have these elaborate stories of their engagement, many today being posted on YouTube, ours was anything but. I was naked, he was naked, we both had amazing ‘just fucked’ hair. It was perfect. Like I said, we love simple. And pretty much every memory where I am naked is a good one.

Rye and Sir on the day they were engaged.

See how everyone else is answering questions this week for Wicked Wednesday.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

March Q&A Madness

It’s that time again. The month of March is blogger world’s time of questions and answers. Nothing is off the table. I have very few secrets myself, though I keep others well. If you really want to hear my son’s birth stories or how I organize my work piles I will share it. Ask at your own risk for sheer boredom or ick-factor.

Questions for Sir will be put to him, but his answers may depend on his workload this month. I know he still struggles with getting back into D/s and coming back to the blog to post or answer questions, but I also know he wants to. After our ‘break’ over the holidays he stepped back from here. Possibly feeling judged or just not wanting to read how I was feeling during that dark time. I know it was just as hard for him to watch me go throw that, so I guess I understand that he wouldn’t want to read about it. So I guess that’s just a word of warning about asking him about that ‘break’ period. I’m not sure we even have all the answers to those questions yet.

I will start off the month with a question for myself and any other bloggers taking part who happen to read this post. Please feel free to answer below or post to your own blog. Can’t wait to see what we learn about ourselves and each other this month.

What is one positive thing that you have given to the world?

I love dogs. And I love to provide care and a good home to rescue dogs. My one positive thing was our dog, Toby. He was an adorable puppy (see below if you don’t believe me). And for his entire life he was happy and healthy. As tragically as his life ended (he was hit by a car), I try to remember the happiness that he had with us. He prepared me to be a good mom and he showed me how wonderful rescue dogs can be. Now I can’t imagine having any other type of pet. And I will be forever grateful to him for that. I miss him everyday.

Toby as a puppy sitting on Sir's lap.
Toby on Sir’s lap in 2009.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten all teary-eyed…

Can’t wait to answer your, hopefully happier, questions and read other bloggers answers throughout the month.

Happy Slave Place

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Happy places can be mental. A head space that one can call upon when needed to get them through a stressful or emotional situation. Usually coffee helps me through these. But for me, my true happy place is where I can just relax. Not have to worry about screaming children or mounting bills. Where I can think about nothing at all if I want to. This is a physical space for me rather than a mood or idea. Doing a relaxing activity can help; I enjoy sewing or reading. But these really only help for a short period. And Sir was becoming frustrated with my poor mood every day when he got home. He had enough stress with work and needed me to be a my best. So we both knew that I needed to try and find whatever it was that provided that place of calm and rejuvenation.

DSCN1546Over the last few years that place has been harder and harder to find. Everyone always wants something and I’ve run out of hiding places. Sir’s wants and needs are important to me, but those are a joy to give. Sir wants me to have a quiet place where he knows that I will rest. I can’t be my best slave when I am at my worst. So he decided that I needed a place where I could get into the right head space. He decided that sleeping next to him every night wasn’t good for me.

DSCN1547I’ve been sleeping on the floor on and off for the last four months now. And I can honestly say it has been some of the best sleep I’ve ever had. I am still right next to Sir; he can reach me if he needs anything. I always ask him if he requires anything before I fall asleep. But after he gives me leave to go to sleep I rarely lay awake for more than a few minutes.

It’s just a happy spot. I can stretch out. I don’t have to worry about stealing the blanket. I can lay on my soft pallet and see Sir’s collection of belts. It’s a very calming. For me it’s a representation of how much Sir cares about me. And how that manifests itself in different ways. DSCN1551Even a year ago, if you had told me that Sir loves me enough to order me to sleep on the floor I would have called you a fool (probably several expletives thrown in there too).
But it is a constant surprise to me how well he knows exactly what I need. Even when I don’t. I would never have thought that sleeping on the floor would put me in a happy place head space, but it does. Give me a book and a cup of coffee and I could spend my life there. Occasionally brought up on the bed for a suck and a fuck and back to my happy place I would go.

 

Click below to read about others’ happy places for this week’s Wicked Wednesday.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Polyamory

The idea of poly is something I have always struggled with. I am monogamous. So I like to think that it wasn’t judgement, but it probably was. Poly was something that I never understood. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong, but I just always asked the wrong questions.

So when Kink University did a piece on Polyamory I almost didn’t even click it. I figured it was something that just wasn’t relevant for me to know, like the violet wand video (though that was more wishfully irrelevant). But I kept looking at it, and finally realized that maybe I just need an education.

And it’s crazy how right I was. The different facets of poly relationships and how they can work was very interesting. And they did a good job explaining how you can try to make them work with a monogamous partner.

As a person who was raised in a monogamous atmosphere I was always concerned that polyamory meant that I wasn’t enough. That there was something wrong with me. But it’s not about me. It’s about what people can bring to each other. And maybe I can’t be everything that he wants.

The other thing that I found interesting was sex drives. Sometimes his sex drive doesn’t match my own. Could I consider a polyamory relationship with someone else? He often feels like he has to try and keep up with me and I know that that is stressful. But would it be more stressful to have me go be with someone else to satisfy my sexual urges? And when would I find the time? I often feel like I am not doing a good job for him. With Sir, two kids and a dog, can I really take on the responsibility of another person’s happiness? Maybe that’s my monogamous brain again. I don’t know.

Even if I don’t encourage Sir to get a girlfriend any time soon, learning about the poly lifestyle was positive. We may try swinging or add others to our play in the future and knowing the pitfalls and possibilities is refreshing. But knowing the terminology and set up of others’ relationships is half the battle.

Desire

Desire is a personal response. One person can feel desired from a gift of flowers; others would rather have a slow french kiss. Then there are those of us who respond to rope and a stern order.

And, like the response to someone’s desire, showing desire can take different forms. I show my desire by my service. That could mean bringing him his shoes in the morning, or having dinner ready when he gets home. It’s not always a sexual thing. Though I always sexually desire him. But I wouldn’t pack just anyone’s lunch. I take care of him because on some level I expect him to take care of me. I trust him to take care of me.

Desire is a happy feeling. To feel desired by someone can make you feel instantly sexy. To know that your actions and physical allure have turned someone on. It can get you through bad days and rough news. Knowing that someone thinks you are sexy and wants you just the way you are.

So, to all of you out there, you are desired. You are all lovely, sexy people who can make someone happy with a smile.

Lost in the kink of it all

Kink in general, no matter what specific fetish you are into, is all about trust. Even if you practice self-bondage, you better trust yourself. You have to trust the other person you play with. That is a strong relationship whether you have the control or are giving it away. However fleeting your scene or arrangement, you have to create a connection, sometimes quickly, in order to have a good experience. So here’s my question: Can you have a good scene if you love the person you are with, but not the kink? Likewise, what if you love the kink, but not the person?

I guess the second question is easier. There are lots of professionals and kinksters who play with multiple people that they have no romantic attachment to. And I certainly wouldn’t presume to insinuate that their scenes are anything less than stellar. So that one was a gimme for most people.

I’m odd though (like you didn’t know). I don’t know if I could completely trust and relax into a scene with just anyone. And therefore sometimes I feel like I am just a body. I know the idea of  being a fucktoy for Sir’s use can be a turn on. But there’s also the niggling idea that if I am just a body, then he could do this with anyone. Like I’m an interchangeable whipping post; a target only. Scratching his kinky itch is just about flesh. Playing by doing things to a person, rather than with them.

Which circles around to my first question. What if you love that person? Can you ‘fake it til you make it’ through a kink for your lover? Would you let someone you love do something like that for you? Could you tell?

Sometimes I feel like he is only playing along with my kinks because he thinks he has to. Like I will leave him or give him some silly ultimatum.

I feel at a weird impasse. I don’t want him to just play along. I know that our kinks don’t fit together perfectly, but I don’t want him to just suffer through it.

So yesterday I asked for some rough play. Mostly things that he is into, with a bit of what I needed. I hate asking for play. I feel like topping from the bottom, but he always says that he wants to know.

It didn’t go well. I throw myself out there, he rejects me, then he wants to know how I feel about it. I asked him to help me feel strong, to push me. He wasn’t in the mood. I get that. It happens. But was rubbing it in some game? Asking me how I feel when he says no. It hurts. A lot. I feel rejected, unwanted, unneeded, unappreciated, unloved. Happy?

Ugh.

So the obvious submission option is to just stop asking. Stop telling him when I need something and just accept whatever. Trust that he is doing this for the right reasons and that I’m doing by best to service him the way that he wants.

That wasn’t even easy to type, I can’t imagine doing it will be a walk in the park.

More Conversations

After yesterday’s post Sir and I had a lot to say to one another. Sir felt like I was depicting him as an uncaring asshole. He wasn’t mad, he was just worried that that was really what I thought. For the record, Sir has been amazing regarding my insecurities. He has wants and needs, but he will always be my husband first. We are traveling down this road together, and we will continue to do so.

Conversations are important. While I will sometimes finish a talk not feeling great, or possibly more confused, those conversations still teach me things about Sir and myself.

So we’ll keep talking. We’ll keep fantasizing about a day when we are both comfortable with a third. But there is not a deadline on it; in fact, it may never happen.

But Sir said something important after reading my interpretation of several of our conversations:

Playing with others is a desire, not a need. You are a need.

I love him more than anything. He can make any freak out turn into a wonderful moment that brings us together.

Sometimes talking is just a higher level of intimacy.