Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.
Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.
One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.
Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.
I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.
I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.
As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.
I miss people. As comfortable as I am with my family life right now I am struggling with how far away everyone is. My twitter boyfriend jokes that I couldn’t have found relationships further away if I had planned it. With him being on the opposite side of the world I can hardly argue his point. A lover in California and a Dom (you didn’t miss anything, he’s new) in Florida. I do manage to make things extra difficult for myself.
So my new Dom thing is very new. The idea of having a secondary that is a Dominant is still messing with my head. How to balance my husband and my Dominant. I don’t really believe that he would ask me to do anything that would jeopardize my marriage (he’s wonderfully understanding). And he would not give me an order that would have me ignoring my family responsibilities. Honestly, it would be me. Wanting to please him and show him that I’m serious about our relationship. However, I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure what our relationship is.
Everyone has priorities. Each of the men that I care about outside my own marriage have families and careers to worry about. It’s hard to connect through a computer screen with differences in time zones and schedules. And even when we can each sit down and really talk, there are usually kids and bills and a handful of other things distracting us. And that’s difficult for me. When I am with someone I want to be their focus, as I’m sure they expect from me. But when we are thousands of miles away, focus is a relative term. This is what has me concerned about what I can really offer my Dominant.
He has been lovely to start things slowly. As an impatient person, I have had to put trust in him that he knows what he is doing and what he wants. It’s been a very freeing experience. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not craving more. It’s a balance that I want to reach going forward. Each of the men in my life are special to me for varying reasons. And how I am able to reach a balance, while still respecting and obeying my Dominant will be a challenge. I trust that he will help me though; and lead me in a positive direction.
There will come a time in any poly relationship when your partner will have sex with someone else. If this is a surprise to you, stop and call for immediate assistance. If they are married, then as a secondary partner, it’s pretty obvious they are probably already sleeping with their spouse (not always, but that’s another issue). But, some poly relationships are more fluid than just a primary and secondary partner. People may come and go to meet purely physical and/or emotional needs. And, as long as all parties agree and understand the perimeters, then everything is spiffy.
So Jack messaged me the other day that he was going to be seeing someone next week. I believe, as far as I know anyway, that this is the only person other than his wife that he’s slept with since he saw me last. I’m not sure why that matters, but it seemed to stick in my head as I was letting this information wash over me. I appreciated his honesty. He was letting me know that he would be a bit absent online for a few days. It was sweet, honestly. And it was much better than if I would have found out after the fact through a tweet or picture that I wasn’t prepared for.
However, me being the mess of a human being that I am, I didn’t take it so well. I tried to keep my responses light and positive in our DMs. Luckily, I was heading to bed anyway, so I cut the conversation a bit short. But my husband could see right through me, and when he asked me what was wrong, I broke. The stress of everything else had been on a precipice last week and that was just the tipping point. In practically any other situation, in any other week, I probably could have worked through it as a small bit of jealousy. Not last week.
Instead I pulled out all the stops on my low self-esteem pity party. I wasn’t enough; I lived too far away. I immediately started questioning if a long-distance relationship like this was worth it. And as soon as the husband suggested maybe finding someone else local I realized that because of our jobs I can’t do local. And, in my opinion more importantly, I didn’t want to. I really care about Jack. I don’t know that I want to wait for that to ‘just happen’ again. Who knows if it would.
It was a rough night. I cried so hard my husband had to put a nose strip on my face so I could breathe. He was very sweet. And I know that Jack had not intended to hurt me in any way. I obviously just wasn’t prepared for him to have other partners besides myself and Jill. Not sure why, but I really hadn’t prepared for something that should have been obvious.
My Advice (such as it is):
Don’t do what I did. Something that I should have seen coming and been ready for completely took me off guard. And because of my attempts to escape reality it was forced upon me at a bad time. It’s not that I shouldn’t have been hurt. My feelings are my own and I accept them. I am an emotional person and I fall hard for partners. However, I should have processed this reality before it happened so it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard. And, if I could see that my reaction would have been worse than this, maybe that would have caused me to rethink ever starting this relationship. What could have been dealt with as a pang of jealousy was instead was a melt down. It wasn’t fun.
Do what he did. Jack has always been open and honest about his expectations and what he can offer me at any point during our times apart. And he respected me enough to let me know before hand that he would be off his phone a bit more. One, because he knows that I would worry and two, because he realized that any tweets relating to him being with another woman might hurt worse if I didn’t know about it. He had no intention of hurting me or rubbing it in my face. And I know he felt horrible when I told him I had had a rough night.
As Molly was nice enough to use one of my Sinful Sunday photos for this topic, I feel terrible that I am waiting until the last day to get my piece posted. But I was excited that I could use it to discuss a fun, romantic experience that I hope to have again for Wicked Wednesday. Maybe next Valentine’s day. 🙂
I think threesomes are wonderful things. I’ve only had one threesome experience so far, though two nights in a row. Jack and Jill are a wonderful couple and I couldn’t have fantasized a better first encounter. At the time though, I was a nervous mess. Here was a couple that a) had had several previous threesomes, b) had an amazing physical connection on their own, and c) already knew all the right moves and tricks to please the other. So I was this third wheel coming in trying to play catch up and learn as quickly as possible.
Admittedly, there is something exciting about that third wheel experience. It’s new and I think adds to the pleasure of the evening. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love to try a threesome with my husband or Jack and a third unknown person. I imagine there is a comfort in knowing and completely trusting one person going into that adventure. Personally, I think it would make me more confident in my actions. Knowing that I had the support and could be certain of pleasuring at least one of us would make me more likely to take charge. I would act on that urge to tell him to fuck me while I sucked on her clit, rather than just wishing one of them would mention it.
I think that is the general third wheel fear, at least for me. This couple knows each other’s buttons and tells to ensure the pleasure of the other. The third is just spit-balling. If one could relax and go with the flow, I’m sure that would help. I’m just sort of an anxious person when it comes to sex, so I was lucky to have an amazing couple who was patient with me.
In all my readings, both fiction and non-fiction, that is what a threesome is for someone though. A third wheel type experience. More often than not there are two people who know each other intimately inviting a third into their fun. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a story where three strangers meet at a bar or social gathering and end up in a hotel room together. Though, now that I say that, I may have to write it, just so I can say it’s out there.
Because Jack and I live quite a distance apart, we generally chat on twitter or via text. We talk mostly about our families and how much we want to be fucking each other at that moment. Jokes and kid’s quotes get shared for the other to read when the other wakes up. The time change, while annoying, is manageable as we both put in the effort. As with any long-distance relationship, it takes work.
We also share a lot of photos. Most are selfies, taken during our conversations to depict a certain mood or response. I’ll admit to sending quite a few boob pics and if I think my hair looks particularly good that day I’ll see if he agrees. Basically our relationship is a bit of a teenage romance for me. Except with a lot more dirty talk and mutual masturbation. So, nothing teenage about it. And I’m sure it depends on how you define romance. I’m a beer and burgers with a B movie kind of girl rather than a wine and escargot with opera.*
There are also a number of nudes and dick pics. I don’t want to say how many, we’ll go with a lot. Some videos too. Many saved on my phone for occasions when I need a little help (not help doing dishes, if that’s not obvious). I still maintain, hearing him moan my name as he cums is the hottest thing. Which is my not so subtle segway into today’s Poly Problem – Sharing porn.
Jack and I were chatting the other day, as we often do. Conversation turned to sexy things that he’d like to do to me (one of my favorite topics). A steamy photo or two were exchanged and I asked him if I could have another video. I have a thing about watching him jerk off. He will send me a video from time to time, often with a good moan of my name included. I have a great one from when he was here in December on loop right now. Getting a new one is always a gooey present. This time he had an interesting response:
“Sure I can send you one. It doesn’t have any names in it as I sent it to Jill earlier. Does that bother you?”
I said it didn’t bother me and he sent the video over. I enjoyed it and didn’t give it another thought until later that night. Getting ready for bed I pulled the video back up. I thought about the fact that he had made it for Jill. That he had sent it to her first. I felt like I should be upset, but I couldn’t pin point why. I mean, I would love to have Jack all to myself for an extended period. But at the same time, I respect that we have separate lives.
I would be lying if I said that knowing that Jack sent the same photos to me that he sent to every other woman he talks to doesn’t bother me. There are times when I want something to be just for me. To have a piece of him that I don’t have to share. I’m hoping that’s normal. But does it bother me if I get a video/photo/etc. that someone else has seen? It certainly didn’t make it any less hot. And it’s not like I haven’t sent him a photo that I had previously posted on twitter or on here.
Is there an expectation with all things intimate that they be exclusive to the recipient? This falls back to one of my previous posts about thinking about someone else when you are having sex. Does that apply to masturbation as well? If you shoot a video or photo of an erection that you got while thinking about someone other than who you send it to, is it less sexy? I don’t think so, but I guess I could see how some people would think so. The rabbit hole on this can get deep very quickly.
I think maybe this is something to be sorted out with your partners on a case by case basis. Depending on how many people you play/flirt with, it may not be an issue. But to ensure that everyone feels special and appreciated when they are with you, it would be something to be up front about. I’m pretty relaxed about it, but I’m not sure I’d be thrilled to get a video with Jack moaning someone else’s name. Though, honestly, I would probably just mute it and grab my Doxy. Hey, when you find something that works for you, you don’t ask why.
*Though as a completely random note, I love The Pirates of Penzance. I can be classy…sometimes.
I can’t imagine all the work that Molly has put into the last 300 weeks, but having the opportunity to see everyone’s sexy pictures is amazing. So thankful to have a place to share and get feedback on my personal porn collection. Here’s to 300 more weeks!
Honestly, I just like the color differences in this shot. The yellow blanket, the blue wall, the sunlight. I’m sure I was trying to get leverage against the wall, and I love that too. Jack leaning in from just out of shot just pushes me over the edge, literally.
This has been a year of ups and downs (how generic is that?). I’m not really sure I’ve had a year with more dramatic highs and lows. It’s just odd how many personal goals I have achieved this year. I think they were surrounded by so many global lows that it’s hard to find them through the fog. Between Brexit and the clusterfuck that was the U.S. Presidential election, it’s been tough. Not to mention all the influential people that have passed away this year. It’s been a public year that I would love to leave behind, but a personal year that I wouldn’t mind repeating.
I started my own business. – It has always been a goal and last February I officially got my L.L.C. up and running. I haven’t become a worldwide sensation, but I have a few clients and some pretty business cards. Hopefully I can give it more time in the coming year, but it will probably never be a full-time thing, and that’s okay.
We moved into our house. – Although we bought it in 2015, we didn’t officially move in until May of this year. The kitchen remodel and refinishing the floors took several months, and it was great to move into finished product rather than a renovation. There are still projects to do, there always are, but we are finally settled. Moving from rental to rental was a stressful process, and the idea of not looking at a moving truck for a decade or two sounds downright blissful.
I went back to work. – Separate from the business, I went back to work. I had been employed as a consultant for a database company from home. But when the opportunity came up to get back into an office and get good insurance coverage for everyone, I jumped at it. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my old masturbation sessions with Jack in the afternoon, but getting out of the house has been good for me. I mean, I wear more than sweatpants now, so that’s something.
My sleeve tattoo is finally finished. – I need to get a good picture to show it off, but I’m beyond happy with it. The whole thing took about 18 months to complete. There were several months between some of my appointments due to various hangups for me and my artist. But early in December I was able to go for my last piece of lace and touch-ups. I’m sure I’ll have a few spots that I will go back and have darkened at some point. Right now though, I couldn’t be happier with what she was able to do with my design request.
And then there were the more kinky aspects of my year….
We opened our marriage. – After talking a lot about other partners and sexual experiences, my husband and I decided to open our marriage. Looking back, this has been a roller coaster of a decision. I had a not go good interaction with a local dom that made me take a huge step back and question everything. Luckily, I kept an open mind and learned from my mistakes. Finding Jack and Jill and visiting them this fall was an amazing experience. Hopefully we will be able to work out another visit (or twelve) this year.
I started identifying as Poly. – I think I can safely say that this is purely because of Jack. After my negative experience, I never really thought that I would find someone that I had a deep emotional connection with outside of my marriage. When we opened up, I was looking for a friend with benefits. Someone to joke around with and maybe exchange oral once and awhile. But he is so much more than I could have hoped for. Aside from sharing a birthday, he has become such a good friend and lover. I am so happy to call him secondary and I know that our relationship will do nothing but grow in the coming year. (Get it, I said coming. He appreciates me, don’t judge.)
I had sex with a woman. – I don’t really classify myself as bisexual. Women are beautiful and I appreciate their minds and bodies. I just don’t really have emotional connections with them like I do with men. The one woman I thought I loved broke my heart, so it’s not really anything I’ve looked for. Visiting California this fall was a wonderful chance to have my first threesome and experience a woman’s body. Jill is lovely and I appreciate her letting me have that connection with her. Certainly something I would love to do again.
I doubled my ‘slept with’ list. – Not only did I have my first same-sex sexual encounter this year, but I actually doubled the number of people I have slept with. I went from three to six. I know, I was shocked too. Not sure I will be able to do the same next year, but as that number hasn’t changed at all in the decade before this, I was impressed.
I finally stopped ‘fighting’ my submission. – Through everything that Sir (my husband) has been dealing with this year I kept coming back to whether or not I really needed submission. Maybe I could just turn it off and everything would be easier. It took me awhile, but I realized that that’s stupid. I’m a submissive. I always have been in one form or another and I know now that I always will be. And I have the power to submit to who I choose. I know these seem like obvious conclusions to reach, but it’s taken me awhile to get there.
As far as resolutions go I tend to be too optimistic. I set high expectations for myself and then hate myself by the end of January. I always want to lose weight and write more, so we’ll see how that goes. My 101 Things in 1001 Days ends this year, so there are several things to work toward on there. Lots more photos, reflection, and erotic writing to come. And, I’m sure, the continuing fight with my depression will appear from time to time. You know, to break up all the boob pics.
Obviously distance is not a problem for all poly relationships. Some polys all live together in the same house or see each other for regular dates. But no, I couldn’t do this the simple way. Finding a local poly guy who was interested in me in my local, conservative community was never going to happen. Even expanding the search area to the tri-county area wouldn’t yield positive results, though perhaps some pretty sketchy ones. No, I had to find a guy who I have a ton in common with, have a wonderful sarcastic rapport, and an amazing physical attraction. The catch is that he lives 2,500 miles away. And while a 38-hour drive (trust me, I’ve mapped it) sounds good most of the time, it doesn’t fit in my daily family responsibilities.
So, how should we get through this large gaps between our sexy visits? We talk everyday. Considering how well we generally get on and how much we just enjoy chatting, this helps a lot. Having ‘regular life’ things in common like jobs, kids, and similar general annoyances, we can always strike up a conversation about something. Having a message when I get home from work about legos or something silly his daughter said always makes me smile. And being jealous of the photos of food help distract me from missing him.
There is the sexy stuff, obviously. The fact that he can make me feel sexy from three time zones away is amazing. And the videos of him stroking himself and moaning my name definitely help me get through the day. Having those videos and photos from our time together, while they do make me miss him, also make the distance seem doable. I smile as I flip through those memories and I know that they will happen again.
We also close the distance with lots of everyday photos. He likes to send me shots of him in the shower, getting ready to run errands, or cleaning. It seems mundane, but that’s why I love it. He makes me part of his everyday life. Sharing bad and good days helps us to support the other and our spouses. It’s all one big positive vibe.
Now I say that with only a small percentage of jest. Some days the distance is crushing. When I have a bad day at work or the kids just won’t go to bed I think how nice it would be to be hidden away in a hotel room with Jack. There are those moments when running away from responsibilities makes me look at flights to California. But usually just talking to him or my husband about my rough day makes it better. And having that support and encouragement from two people is wonderful.
I will say that distance poly, at least for me, is different from a ‘traditional’ long-distance relationship. Because my primary partner is a part of my everyday life, there isn’t the same loneliness. I still miss Jack terribly, but we get support from our spouses to help us through. And I don’t remember this much sexting from my previous relationships, though I may have been doing it wrong.
I think as a young girl I always imagined there was one perfect guy out there for me. That my knight in shining armor would come to sweep me off my feet and meet all of my needs, whatever they might be. And, as I self-aware teen, I, of course, knew exactly what those needs would be (at this point sarcasm should be dripping from your screen). The pressure on that poor man would have been horrific. I shudder to think what I have been putting my husband through for the last ten years. No wonder his back is so bad.
But there is something interesting that I am slowly realizing as I delve into poly: It’s okay to have relationships with different people in order to meet different needs/wants. I know, I know. It’s crazy! My small mind is still struggling to wrap around this idea, as obvious as it is for some. I can allow people to show me parts of themselves without pressuring them to be something they are not. And I can be me with each of them, but they don’t have to worry about meeting all of my needs all the time. I know that this may not work for everyone, nor should it. I guess I have just always felt bad when my husband hasn’t really been into something that I am, and vice versa. So realizing that I we don’t have to everything to one another all the time was quite a shock.
Over the last few months I have been looking into different aspects of this idea. Not being a different person with different people, but letting different aspects of myself out. And that, interestingly, has led to me being called several names. I don’t think I did it on purpose, it just sort of happened. But I think it helps to foster the connection, and makes me feel quite special to that person.
Friend with Benefits – “Eve”
We have been friends for nearly three years now. We share everything and talk a lot through. When we are angry with our spouses we talk it out with the other person before picking a fight. It has saved us both from a lot of needless arguments. There is always support for our dieting and various personal improvement pursuits. Our age difference is irrelevant and our feelings continue to grow. There may even have been some exchanged photos and videos, all in a manner of research, of course. 🙂
This has caused a bit of emotional strife. He means a great deal to me, and I know I am special to him. But as we are both trying to explore our sexuality in a safe space, we often share desires and fantasies that include the other person. This doesn’t bother me too much, but I think it highlights the distance for him. He started calling me ‘Eve’, his temptress, earlier this fall. I think as I have opened up my marriage, his seems to be closing ranks (at least in his opinion). But we don’t judge each other, we support one another through all of our struggles. That constant support has been vital to my growth and blogging. I cannot imagine my life without him in some sort of capacity, even though he lives half way around the world.
Dominant – “Little One”
I’m not sure what this is, to be honest. He’s a friend and fellow blogger than I flirt with on Twitter. It’s nice to talk about my submission and things I want to try without putting pressure to preform. I do get a certain giddiness when he calls me ‘little one’ though. Mostly because I haven’t been little in a long time. I do find myself falling into the category of ‘little’ quite easily though. A stuffed animal and some cartoons and I am a happy camper.
We chat about our various hobbies and our kids. He and his sub are getting married next year, so I’ve been enjoying talking to him about wedding plans. But discussing his local D/s scene is nice. I am jealous on many levels as he talks about clubs and his community. No one else that I chat with on twitter regularly is into BDSM. Each of the other men listed here either aren’t into D/s or don’t define themselves as dominant. My husband is working on himself right now, and I know that BDSM is a future goal for us. But talking to this gentleman (and he is) is good perspective.
Husband – “Rye”
He is my rock. We have been through so much together and I’m sure will be through much more. We have two adorable, if infuriating, children together and I can’t imagine being a parent with anyone else. Our mutual mental illnesses included, we love and support each other through everything. The last year has been difficult. The move and starting our businesses (yes, plural) has been stressful. We are supporting one another through our struggle and he never ceases to amaze me.
He understands me more than any other person could. We never go to bed angry, unless it’s at the children. And I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be understanding and supportive about being open and poly. I just hope that he finds what he is looking for out of it as well. He knows exactly when I’m having a terrible day and knows which junk food I want to feel better. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Lover – “Baby”
Generally he does call me by my real name, but when he calls me baby I go all puddily. Our mutual love of sarcasm and wit make for hilarious conversations. We enjoy eating and watching cartoons almost as much as we enjoy fucking. He is endlessly positive and supportive of everything I do. I know that our relationship is still very young, but we feel old together. He is a bit older than me, but, aside from calling me ‘baby’, he doesn’t treat me like a child.
I know that he has other partners. I’ll admit that that fact isn’t always easy to stomach. But considering the number of states between us, it’s hardly like I can complain. The time we have together, however, fleeting, is wonderful. Knowing him has certainly helped me to work on being in the present. The future will happen whether I want it to or not, no point worrying about now. And we both seem to want each other in it.