Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Friendly Visit

He arrived in the middle of a snow storm. Driving back to the house I was doing 40 mph on the highway. Luckily, he was willing to talk so I could concentrate on the road. We grabbed some dinner and I dropped him at the B&B to try and get some sleep. My husband wasn’t comfortable with him staying at the house, which I respected. It was easier with the kids at home anyway. So it was a compromise I was happy to give to make him feel more secure.

Thursday was our ‘day to live life to the fullest’. After running some errands and grabbing breakfast we hit the road for Amish country. It was a long day in the car, but I wanted to show him something he really couldn’t experience on the rest of his travels. Honestly, we could have the spent the entire 36 hours in a coffee shop just talking. We spent a long time in the car talking about everything from Australian politics to childhood antics. Getting to hear his voice, rather than endless written conversations was such a relaxing feeling.

It was a productive day. We bought a lot of ingredients and cooked dinner at the house for us and my husband. It wasn’t near as awkward as it could have been. We laughed and cooked together. So many of our conversations are focused around enjoying moments. Cooking dinner and eating together were two amazing moments that I will never forget.

My friend left on Friday. It was sad to see him go. I feel like just having him here was a huge confidence boost. I don’t want him to go back to being just my twitter boyfriend. If anything, this trip has proved how much more we are to each other.

He and I have a relationship of similar paths. Even though twenty years in age separates us, we have a lot in common. And not just in our experiences. We think the same way. It is rare that we need to explain feelings to each other. As soon as he tells me about an event or interaction I know he felt about it. Our brains process the same way. I didn’t realize it completely until we met in person and I found myself nodding along to his stories.

Kink didn’t come up too much. It was how we first started talking, but I’m not sure it’s what really connects us anymore. We have much more that we relate to. BDSM will always be a part of us, but it’s taken on this unspoken role. Honestly, because I think it would create a sexual tension that we are trying to get away from. He and I have played with that tension often in the last several years. One or other of us asks the question or changes our needs to include various things. There was a period where we considered a form of D/s dynamic. And there were even moments of weakness, on both our parts, where we would plan our lives together on some island somewhere; far away from our current troubles and responsibilities. While these grand plans sound good at the time, they always end up being selfish fantasies.

Even though I think we both are comfortable with our non-physical relationship, there were a few tense moments. Not in any negative way. There were just a few times where I really wanted to give him a kiss, even just on the cheek. And, I’ll admit, the idea of giving him a blow job as a Christmas gift did cross my mind. But I was good. I didn’t go into the Bed and Breakfast with him and I kept my dirty comments to a minimum.

We said goodbye already talking about another trip. I’m not sure my finances will allow me to travel to Australia anytime soon, but I am more than willing to try. To find someone that you connect with on such a deep level is pretty amazing, and I know both of us recognize how lucky we are.

I miss him already.

Taking Positive Steps, Skips, and Jumps

I remember at time when I was pretty positive I was asexual. I not only didn’t feel attractive, but I didn’t think that my attractions to others were normal either. It was difficult for me to think positively about sex or relationships, and that led to several bad choices and hurt feelings. I wish I could say this was a singular occurrence, but I often look at my writing aspirations the same way. I tend to write in an odd voice and cadence (much how I speak) and that’s not for everyone. Funnily enough, I would describe my current sex drive and tastes the same way; odd, and not for everyone.

Recalling those times and feelings is painful. Only in the last few years have I really started to feel like a sexual person. I enjoyed intimacy with my husband, but it certainly wasn’t something I craved. Now I have a completely different prospective to what sex can offer me as an individual and to my relationships. And I think that that has, in turn, affected my writing in a positive way.
As I gain more confidence in my sexual and writing life, I’ve started to step out and move away from the negative and painful memories. My polyamory has been a big step towards that. It’s not always easy (I’m sure there will be lots more Poly Problem posts), but it has show me my own strength. Even just the idea that I am allowed to have needs in my sexual relationships has been quite freeing.
My writing is seeing a growth as well. I don’t always get the time to focus on it as much as I would like. Family, full-time job, and my depression take over from time to time. But I have taken some steps to improve that. And, I’m even starting to recognize and accept my own talent. I started a Patreon account this week. It’s nothing that I would have ever considered a few years ago. I never would have had the confidence to ask people to pay for my work. The idea of selling myself like that was hard to wrap my head around, and I thought about it for awhile before deciding it was the right move. The money could allow me to advance my writing and continue to make steps towards publishing. The idea of being a full-time writer may not be in my future, but still consider this a positive step.
As much as the recollection of my past is difficult, it continues to strengthen my resolve. The idea of ever being ashamed of my sexuality or interest in writing erotica again has faded. And hopefully my patreon will do well and I can continue to grow in both my sexual and writing experiences.
In other words, you’re stuck with me for awhile 🙂

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Poly Problem #4: The First Someone Else

There will come a time in any poly relationship when your partner will have sex with someone else. If this is a surprise to you, stop and call for immediate assistance. If they are married, then as a secondary partner, it’s pretty obvious they are probably already sleeping with their spouse (not always, but that’s another issue). But, some poly relationships are more fluid than just a primary and secondary partner. People may come and go to meet purely physical and/or emotional needs. And, as long as all parties agree and understand the perimeters, then everything is spiffy.

So Jack messaged me the other day that he was going to be seeing someone next week. I believe, as far as I know anyway, that this is the only person other than his wife that he’s slept with since he saw me last. I’m not sure why that matters, but it seemed to stick in my head as I was letting this information wash over me. I appreciated his honesty. He was letting me know that he would be a bit absent online for a few days. It was sweet, honestly. And it was much better than if I would have found out after the fact through a tweet or picture that I wasn’t prepared for.

However, me being the mess of a human being that I am, I didn’t take it so well. I tried to keep my responses light and positive in our DMs. Luckily, I was heading to bed anyway, so I cut the conversation a bit short. But my husband could see right through me, and when he asked me what was wrong, I broke. The stress of everything else had been on a precipice last week and that was just the tipping point. In practically any other situation, in any other week, I probably could have worked through it as a small bit of jealousy. Not last week.

Instead I pulled out all the stops on my low self-esteem pity party. I wasn’t enough; I lived too far away. I immediately started questioning if a long-distance relationship like this was worth it. And as soon as the husband suggested maybe finding someone else local I realized that because of our jobs I can’t do local. And, in my opinion more importantly, I didn’t want to. I really care about Jack. I don’t know that I want to wait for that to ‘just happen’ again. Who knows if it would.

It was a rough night. I cried so hard my husband had to put a nose strip on my face so I could breathe. He was very sweet. And I know that Jack had not intended to hurt me in any way. I obviously just wasn’t prepared for him to have other partners besides myself and Jill. Not sure why, but I really hadn’t prepared for something that should have been obvious.

My Advice (such as it is):

Don’t do what I did. Something that I should have seen coming and been ready for completely took me off guard. And because of my attempts to escape reality it was forced upon me at a bad time. It’s not that I shouldn’t have been hurt. My feelings are my own and I accept them. I am an emotional person and I fall hard for partners. However, I should have processed this reality before it happened so it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard. And, if I could see that my reaction would have been worse than this, maybe that would have caused me to rethink ever starting this relationship. What could have been dealt with as a pang of jealousy was instead was a melt down. It wasn’t fun.

Do what he did. Jack has always been open and honest about his expectations and what he can offer me at any point during our times apart. And he respected me enough to let me know before hand that he would be off his phone a bit more. One, because he knows that I would worry and two, because he realized that any tweets relating to him being with another woman might hurt worse if I didn’t know about it. He had no intention of hurting me or rubbing it in my face. And I know he felt horrible when I told him I had had a rough night.

When No is the Best Answer

If you haven’t read this post from Slave to Master then you should or what follows will make little sense.

The idea of ‘no’ or disagreeing with a partner in a relationship always seems negative. But sometimes saying no can bring a strength and confidence. I have found this paramount in my BDSM attempts. As ancilla_ksst explains, much better than I could, saying yes all the time to a sub can be harmful. It’s hard to trust that a dominant is doing what they want if they agree with all a sub’s requests and desires.

Looking back, I think this is why my husband and my D/s wasn’t successful. While I thought I was giving him everything he asked for, I was inadvertently topping from the bottom. He was doing everything he thought I wanted and not for his own pleasure. This worked for awhile, but soon I was in a vacuum of doing things for him which was really just for me. Eventually I completely stopped trusting his responses.

When he would moan I would wonder if it was genuine, or just for my benefit. Was that ‘good girl’ for real, or just to shut me up? I always shrugged these feelings away, of course, because it felt good at the time. Once he opened up about his true feelings, however, I found myself in a dark place. I revisited every scene. There was a time when I couldn’t even look through our photos as it all felt fake. Submission was about putting my trust in him, and I felt like he misused what I considered a gift. I don’t think it was malicious, it may even have been subconscious. When I was able to move past the hurt it was easier to see my faults and his struggle with more empathy.

Moving forward is going to be a process. The blow to trust has rippled through our marriage. I’ve always struggled with compliments, but now I really don’t believe them. And when he thanks me for doing something for him I wonder if he means it. Things I used to do as his sub barely register anymore, making it less likely that I will continue putting in the effort.

I don’t want to make it all negative though. We are spending time together doing other things. And we are both working on personal hobbies as well. I’m trying to take a step back and put myself in a stronger personal position. And using this opportunity to figure out what I really want as a poly submissive seems like a positive step. Then, should either him or another dominant and I start some type of D/s relationship, I will be better prepared to explain my boundaries and needs. One of which will certainly be that saying no helps me trust my partner and know that everything I do is for their pleasure.

Finding the Positive Through the Trees

My life has been very vanilla focused lately. Husband started a new job and slack at home has had to be picked up. I’ve taken over dinner duty again and most cleaning chores. I’m not complaining; it’s a good thing and I’m fine to take on more. Sleep has been hit and miss though, so I’m basically exhausted.

The kink side of my brain is still chugging away though. As a couple we are still trying to work out what we are and how we can manage everything. He swears he is okay with my relationship with Jack, so that will continue. He did admit that he don’t want to open our relationship any more though. I think that is more than reasonable. It’s not like I have time for another lover at this point anyway. Not that I would purposefully go against his wishes, it just makes it easier.

Husband and I took a walk over the weekend through a nature preserve outside of town. It was a beautiful day and a lovely walk. As we wondered through the woods he kept look through the trees. When I asked if he was looking for a different path he said no. Instead, he said he was looking for a felled tree or stump to bend me over.

Nothing wrong with that 🙂

Reality Strikes Back

Sometimes you have to hear and accept the difficult reality in order to move past it. Tamar’s comment on here the other day was hard to read. I didn’t want my actions to be causing my own problems, who really does. But as hard as it was to read, it was mostly right.

I need to focus on my ‘vanilla’ life right now, because at this point that’s the only life I’ve got. And at the rate I’m going I am going to lose that too.

Writing will always be a part of me, probably even erotica. But I probably won’t be posting as much on here for awhile. I need to start exercising again, getting more sleep, and fixing my marriage. Expecting everyone else to change while I stay the same is pretty unrealistic. So it looks like I am facing a lot of self-improvement ahead.

I just want to say that I appreciate the reality checks and the supportive words. And I am not disappearing. Just probably not updating as often. I still want to take part in as many memes as I can and finish my Define Your Kink series. This community means the world to me and I have no intention to leaving it. I may even get around and get a Sinful Sunday around for tomorrow.

Security Blanket

I’m trying to decide if I should start wearing another necklace to ‘replace’ my collar. Obviously it wouldn’t replace it; I’m not even sure it would being fill the hole I feel. But, it could help me to feel some sort of weight like I had with the collar.

The collar that my Sir gave me was a surgical steel chain that was quite heavy. I would play with it whenever I was trying to think. It was a comfort and a weight that stayed with me throughout the day. I would touch and think of him, and I would know that he was thinking of me. It reminded me that he cared for me.

Without that security blanket around my neck I have been struggling. I didn’t realize how closely tied it was to my self-confidence. I’ve just been surprised at how much I have been questioning my decisions lately.

Which leads me to the conclusion that another, purely ornamental, necklace really wouldn’t change much. I would still feel just as lost. Some silly charm or a string of fake pearls wouldn’t have the same meaning, no matter how much I would want it to. In fact, it may just highlight the fact that I don’t have a collar. It would merely re-enforce I’m not owned by anyone. That hurt isn’t going to go away just because my neck isn’t bare.

I think I am looking for whatever I need to do to get passed this. There are a lot of elements of a break up, but it quickly gets more complicated. We’re still married, we still love one another. That doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I want to scream and cry though. I don’t (or haven’t yet). There isn’t a clean break, so to speak, so it’s hard to process sometimes.

I think I want a new necklace to try and feel like I am fixing myself. Getting myself together and being the type of person who is strong enough to be someone’s sub again. Currently, I’m in such a weird head-space I shouldn’t be anyone’s sub. I don’t want to be a pity project or a burden for someone. Then I would feel even worse.

Eventually something that is meaningful, in one way or another, will come along. Maybe by then I’ll be at a place where the idea of replacing my collar won’t be so horrific. Then I’ll be strong enough to call a necklace and be okay with it.

Why do I set myself impossible tasks when I have the patience of a two year old?

Nothing Good Can Come From This

“When you were having sex with her, were you thinking about me?”*

This question always confused and angered me. Long before we opened our marriage or I even considered being poly. First, wouldn’t it be terribly sad if that was the case. Presumably they would thinking about you out of malice and not any sort of positive feelings. Who has sex with someone and thinks, “Man, I really miss my girlfriend, this sub-par pussy will have to do”? And, because I think about things like this, how sad is that for that other woman (the sub-par pussy one)?

If both people sign up for a consensual, non-connection fuck, that’s one thing. But I personally know it would crush my ego to find out a guy had been thinking about someone else the whole time. Masturbating is one thing, or even fucking during porn and picturing me as someone else. Since I am someone who looks for an emotional connection with anyone I fuck, an old girlfriend would be a low blow.

Which leads me to my other issue with this direct statement. I’m not going to generalize as I certainly don’t know the manipulative capacities of all men. But, in my experience, guys are not thinking about the consequences of fucking while they are fucking. I don’t either, if I’m honest. Now, I’ve never played ‘pull-out pregnancy roulette’ as my family is as fertile as they come. So that may be something else all together.

Also, as far as I know, I’ve never been with a guy who was cheating. In my experience the guys who have fucked me weren’t thinking about how an ex or current girlfriend would feel about the situation. I’m not saying that to be egotistical, I honestly believe it to be true. Some other girls face in place of mine? Maybe. But I still would hope it wouldn’t be a past lover.

There is one more issue that this trope brings to mind for me. An admission, if I’m honest, about my own thought during sex: I don’t much. I wish I could say that whenever I have sex with someone I am 100% focused on them. Hell, I can’t even say I create a rich fantasy in my head of myself and Ryan Reynolds flying off into the sunset on his private jet. Nope, the best I can usually do is several moans and some ass grabbing (if my hands are free).

It’s not a personal thing, and certainly not a reflection if my relationship with said other partner. It’s that what I am physically feeling completely takes over my brain. During breaks I really try to make eye contact and focus on my partner. As we shift positions or move from one sex act to another I try to check in. This is generally because once said activity starts, my mind goes completely blank.

Trust me, I know how pathetic that sounds and I wish I could do better. Part of me thinks that is why I like blow jobs to much; I can completely focus on my partner. During sex I register what I am feeling physically and whether or not it feels good. How I feel about it emotionally usually doesn’t hit me until later. Which is probably why I look for guys that I have an emotional connection with. I need to trust them enough to know that they will be around for the aftercare portion of the evening (even for non-BDSM sex). During sex I let go and float along with all the pleasant feelings and moments of no responsibility. Having someone hold me as cold, hard reality slaps me in the face once again is nice.

This double-edged sword of a question also has a changing significance for me now that I’m poly. I guess I generally want my husband and Jack, or any other future partner, to know that when I am with them I am focused on them. And, I expect the same from them. I like the idea of Jack missing me and thinking about me, but not when he’s with another woman. If, for no other reason than I don’t want him thinking about them when he’s with me.

Poly, at least for me, doesn’t mean that I’m thinking about other people all the time. Whether you are emotionally invested or not I think you should be able to respect your partner enough to focus on them during sex. And, even if you don’t, consider your answer to the above question carefully, though any answer is likely to be wrong.

I should also add, if you ever find the urge to ask someone this question (or a variant of it), don’t. Even in the heat of a fight. No answer will make you feel good or win the argument. The very asking of means you’ve already lost.

*I should clarify that I’ve only really ever heard this used on television. A few sitcoms and daytime soap operas (when I watched them) would bring it out from time to time in order to add even more drama to a fight. I’ve never met anyone who has actually use it in an argument. But then, I also don’t have a lot of close friends that I talk about my sex life with. Except all of you, of course.