Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

He is my Sir

Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.

Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.

One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.

Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.

I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.

I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.

As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.

Update

I really wanted to write. I have missed this space and all the supportive, wonderful people who come and read. I have missed the inspiration to write about sex I’ve had and fantasies for the future. Writing about BDSM and how, even though dynamics have changed, it’s a huge part of my life. But life happens.

Instead I cried at my computer to my Dom. He patiently listened and wrote back in his supportive way. He told me I wasn’t a failure and I balled. He told me he cared about me and I balled. It was largely me crying and him telling me that it was going to be alright.

Sadly, not that inspiring. But I’m getting there. This is the first time in awhile I’ve really been pulled to write. I miss what this blog gives me.

So hopefully this is my comeback. After two months off I need to get my sexy juices flowing again (in more ways than one). Thank you for being patient while I work through the random shit that is my vanilla life. But I don’t think that I want to be away anymore. No matter what is going on I need this safe space to just be me.

Hope you’ll all stick with me. 🙂

Arousing Control

I threw my neck out on Tuesday. Driving home from work was horrific. By the time I got myself and the kids in the door I could barely walk. Sir walked in the house, took one look at me, and immediately ordered me to drop the boy’s lunch boxes. After a brief description of my pain I was given marching orders.

I had to immediately go upstairs, lay out on the floor, and stay there. I couldn’t take my phone. He called me down for dinner awhile later and that was it. Pain meds and a heat pack were my only companions.

I know that sounds like it should be relaxing. Sir took care of dinner and the kids. Without my phone I couldn’t be bothered by anyone or concerned about work. However, it sort of had the opposite affect. I had nothing to do but fret. Worrying about the fact that I wouldn’t be able to do up a post for the blog. Knowing that laundry is piling up. Finally, I had to pull out the Doxy for its official purpose and try to force my shoulder muscles to relax. It did help.

Eventually I was able to pop my neck and I think get it back in place. Sir gave me some more pain meds to help me sleep. Since I was feeling a bit better he even let me sleep in bed. I had to sleep on my back though. A good night’s sleep did help, but I am still quite sore today.

Sir was in his element though. He came up early on to lay out the rules. After he gave me all my restrictions he admitted to a massive boner. I think he enjoys control more than he lets on. As much as he enjoys it when I cook and give him a break from the kids, I think he likes taking charge. Maybe I just need to be ‘weaker’ so he can swoop in more often. When I think that my mother’s voice starting screaming in my head. There has to be a way to balance it though.

At least, there has to be a way that he can feel comfortable being in control that doesn’t involve me having throbbing back pain.

Snip Snip

Sir and I have a big day today. I am only at the office this morning and then coming home at lunch. We have made the decision to be done having children. To make this a permanent decision Sir has decided to have a bilateral vasectomy. The procedure will be done this afternoon and he will be home from work until Monday.

I will continue to keep my implant as it releases hormones that my body needs to stay on track. But at this point, when it comes out, I may not get another one. Maybe if we are having regular sex with other partners, but we’ll see.

Sir decided that this option was much safer than me having a tubal ligation and doesn’t require an overnight hospital stay. He only has to be off work for a few days and has some sick time built up. My mother-in-law is also coming up to help make the school run tomorrow and, I think, also taking the kids this weekend. I will be helping my parents move into their new condo, so he will have peace and quiet. Just the dog, the couch, and rotation of frozen bags of peas for his dick.

I know I’m making light of this, but it’s a big deal. It means the world to me that he’s willing to take this pain on so I don’t have to have surgery. Taking off an afternoon of work is a lot less than the week I would probably lose if I was in the hospital. And he does get a weekend of computer games and quiet.

Honestly, the only bummer about it is that we can’t have sex for ten days. My Doxy and I will become even better friends, but it will be hard to be hands off of him. We’ll have to be good on our anniversary. I will probably encourage him to have some fun with one of his favorite canes after the kids go to bed. We’ll just have to make sure he doesn’t get too turned on and rip his stitches.

Hurt

It’s been a long time since I have been hurt. You don’t hurt me often and I don’t necessarily think you do it on purpose. But when it happens, I can’t breathe.

I want you to be happy. But I can’t always make the kids behave. I won’t always be in the best mood when you get home. I try. I really do.

Fuck it.

I hate how horrible I feel when you hurt me. Like it’s somehow my fault. You didn’t think, you just yelled. Only the look on my face let you know the damage you caused. But it was too late.

I cleaned the kitchen. I folded the laundry. I tried to stay busy and accomplish something to make you happy. To not see that anger again. All I wanted was to curl into a ball and cry. That’s how I feel when I disappoint you. I wanted every bit of fried food and ice cream I could stomach. Then I could at least be mad at myself for a good reason, ruining my diet.

~

I wrote that yesterday afternoon. When I was still hurting and upset.

I thought I wanted you to feel guilty, but that doesn’t accomplish anything. You apologized, you felt bad. I’m not sure I need any more than that. Torturing you by continuing to be hurt about it isn’t going to fix it.

I just want you to feel better. This stress that has you on edge of anxious all the time is wearing you down. Not to mention what it is doing to us; though that is a pretty selfish motive for change. We have enough to be stressed about. Our relationship, our time together should be a refuge from all that. Whether that can include D/s right now, I don’t know.

I guess I just wish that you didn’t have to hurt me to realize that something is wrong.

Sex Drive

Through this process of finding BDSM and discovering my submissive sexuality I have worked to let go of my issues with masturbation. I’m still not comfortable taking care of my own horniness as often as I could, but it’s a process. However, as I take steps to get more comfortable with pleasuring my own body, I am having more issues with Sir taking care of himself.

Molly wrote a great piece for This D/s Life about how being used is a large part of her submission. I found myself nodding along as I read. I understand that being his used slut is part of what really turns me on. Being pulled upstairs in the middle of the afternoon to have my skirt thrown up so he can have a quick fuck before the kids yell for more juice. It may not be everyone’s fantasy, but honestly, I usually masturbate to something similar (sometimes the kitchen counters, sometimes the laundry room). With our often hectic lifestyle, those little trysts are a joy. And just the idea of him going upstairs on his own for a wank without me hurts.

I know that sometimes he just wants to take care of himself, he likes that sensation occasionally. But as a needy slut, it’s hard for me to accept that he doesn’t want to use one of my holes. Part of it is that his sex drive isn’t the same as mine. I’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just a reality. A few years ago (before we had kids) it was swapped. He couldn’t get enough and I just wanted to sleep. My sexual awakening over the last few years has changed that. But even if he says he’s fantasizing about me, I feel jealous. Not being able to take part in some way makes me feel like less of a sub. Honestly, even being forced to kneel at his feet and watch would make me feel purposeful (and it would be crazy hot).

It’s just been an odd process as I work on my sex drive and sexual ticks to find things that bother me. I used to be so sexually repressed, that I often see myself as open to anything. And I am by comparison. But the strangest things trip me up along this journey and I guess this is one of them. With that said, I’m sure I will get past it and move on to some other hang up. Maybe then it will be the type of porn he looks at, or some issue with my own masturbation. Maybe one day I’ll even aspire to be issue free. But then the world would explode, so we’ll keep our goals realistic instead.

Plans for the Night

One of my goals for July is to have a date night. Sir and I both working full-time now is putting a strain on us. When we get home we have the kids and dinner to sort out. We have about an hour or so after we get them both to bed. Sometimes sex happens, sometimes not. But either way we don’t get a lot of time to talk. A date night would be a great way to sit and just enjoy each other for a bit.

Due to late evenings and child care, it will probably have to be on a weekend. Maybe some Saturday night when Sir’s mother can come and stay with the kids. Even just so we could go out to dinner. Maybe some shopping afterwards so we can walk around and hold hands. The youngest is coming up on this second birthday, so we could walk around and play with toys for a bit. Actual toys, not sexy ones.

So if we do get some evening out, what should we do? A movie could be good for cuddles and groping, but not much conversation. Shopping, again good for PDA, but the budge wouldn’t allow for a lot of spending. We could try to find a night for a local BDSM activity and try to attend that. We both really want to get active in our local to meet people, we are just limited because of the kids what we can really commit too.

The other option is to try and have my mother-in-law take the kids out somewhere and we could stay in. Maybe do a fun scene in the basement full of pain and moaning and hopefully sexy pictures. Could be a good choice. A night of M/s would be fun considering how little we usually get to play.

Reward Mind Games

Sir: So that reward system I’ve been working on…It’s a common pool of gold stars and red X’s. You can spend the stars on extra calories or pampering from me.

Interesting. :Rye

Sir: Oh there’s more. Red X’s cancel out stars until they are erased, so 2x’s plus 5 stars is 3 stars to spend. You will be able to earn stars from me for ‘spontaneous acts of slutiness’.

Challenge Accepted 🙂 :Rye

Sir: I hope you are as accepting of how you get rid of the red X’s.

🙁 :Rye

Sir: 🙂

Sexless Transition

So Sir and I were having a conversation last night about stress and money stuff. I hate money stuff, but Sir trusts me to take care of it. Anyway, the conversation goes like this:

Sir: It’s just stressful.

Rye: Yeah.

Sir: And this is what has turned me into a sexless monk.

Rye: Yeah.

Quite a riveting exchange, wasn’t it? Because what was I supposed to say? Yeah, it’s fine that we only have sex once a week. Of course it’s okay that I spend more time building Legos with our 4yo than I do naked. I am trying to be supportive. Trying to understand that the last few months have been crazy for both of us that we are trying to deal with things in our own way. So nodding along as become the obvious option.

But I won’t lie and say that it’s not hard. I flip from being wildly horny to blindingly frustrated at the kids all day. That balance has been hard to maintain lately. I don’t know how it changed, but my sex drive has actually made intimacy more difficult. At least it seems like that to me. I am always turned on, so he feels intimidated. Again, that is just my viewpoint. And that creates stress for both of us.

So how do I help the sexless monk? I think he is only saying that because he knows we aren’t having as much sex as I would like. Or maybe he’s just not attracted to me specifically. My worry-wart mind has run through several possibilities. But most of them lead back to stress. We both wanted to get into this house and I think we expected everything to settle down. This whole adult thing has been hard to swallow. And our kids have had a great time reminding us how green we really are.

So, maybe we have to be sexless monks for awhile. And when the stress settles we can get back to enjoying each other and maybe even a few new people.

Struggling

I wish I had something sexy and/or inspirational to say. But I don’t. Sir spent yesterday afternoon upstairs working and I packed. Slow but sure. But we’re hopefully going to be out of here in twelve days (don’t judge my countdown). So last week I only clocked nine hours of work. Between work at the new house and cleaning this place so they could show it to new renters I got little else completed.

And sexy is a word that hasn’t really been mentioned lately. We’re both just so stressed out. Trying to make money work, being worried about mom, and just keeping things together is sapping all our energy. We are sort of just working passed one another. Trying to put out fires as they appear. Slowly making steps to make our current landlords, the kids, and our bosses happy. We are just wiped.

At least, I hope that is all this is. He’s been so distant. I think it’s just stress, but it’s like he doesn’t want to be here (here with me and the kids, not here in this house). His work is overwhelming and it just bleeds into everything when he gets home. We crawl into bed, play on our phones for ten minutes, and then pass out. I’m not sure we even touched each other that much yesterday.

I’m going to try and make this my last whiny post though. If I don’t have anything positive or sexy or happy to say than I will just take the day off. Hopefully once we are moved then I get inspired to write something worth reading again.