Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The biggest smile

I can’t describe my smile right now. My mouth hurts. It’s like I’ve been facefucked.

The husband and I met for lunch. The last few days have been a little overly emotional. We’ve chatted about how we were committed to each other and where our D/s has taken us. The realization that I was happy was a big one. I’ve changed so much through our time in this house. I’ve become stronger, especially in the last few months, and he doesn’t want me to lose that.

But we sorted through a lot. We are starting small, but I have hope. Hope that we can be as happy as we were. Letting that connection run through us and keep me going throughout the day.

I was practically jumping up and down in the car on the way home. And when I got here, I had another reason to smile waiting for me.

Subject: Instructions

Rye,

You said you would send me pictures of your orgasms. I don’t want pictures. I want video.
Specifically, I want you to get the good camera, set up on the tripod, with the AC cable plugged into the wall. I want you in the guest room and the camera set up roughly opposite the long side of the bed. I want you to get the lamp from out in the hallway and I want you to try to light the room. I want you to get the doxy and a dildo and I want you to fuck yourself nice and hard. Maybe put clothespins on your nipples or slap your ass. I want you to have fun. I want to see you having fun. I want you to look into the camera and talk to me and tell me how much you like putting on a slut show for me. I don’t care how many orgasms you have. I just want you to have fun being a slut.
I want to watch the video with you, tonight.
I love you, Rye.
This day is full of smiles. Maybe he’ll even let me post my slutty video for you all. I have my Sir back.

The Panties Problem

Sir, here.

I wanted to take some time to discuss with you all a problem that I have been having with bondage from nearly the first time that we tried it. It’s there in the Title; The Panties Problem.

If you also have this problem – and especially if you’ve overcome it – then you might know that the panties aren’t the problem. The problem is in not being experienced enough to know how to think through a complex, multi-stage exercise in advance, so as to spot and address potential problems before they happen.

For me, this lack of experience most often manifests itself as the pair of underwear that I see right when my dick is getting hard, that I forgot to tell Rye to take off before I tied her legs to six different pieces of furniture using a comically vast collection of short pieces of rope and belts.

On more than one occasion, this realization has triggered a barrage of self-directed anger and profanities. A couple of times (very early on) Rye would say something like, “I wondered when you’d notice,” or, “I didn’t say anything because I thought you had a plan.”

These statements were never – ever – meet with a well reasoned and rational response from me.

But I am getting better. The experience problem has become a personal challenge. I just want to be better all around. I am driven to push back my formidable amateur status with real trial and error.

So imagine Rye’s surprise when I tied her up tonight and intentionally left the underwear on ! I told her, “Don’t worry. I have a plan.”

“OH good,” she said, “because I didn’t know if I should have said something.”

“Always say something,” I said. “Don’t presume that time has rid us of all our misadventures.”

The plan was, you see, to put her on the bed, tie her up, place the Doxy inside her panties,  and just let it go. If I got to the point where I needed to avail myself of that sweet, tied up slut, a pair of safety scissors sat at the ready.

That didn’t happen because after only one long orgasm, her butt muscles went full Charlie horse and we switched to another, more cock-sucky enterprise.

I didn’t foresee any of the problems that came out tonight, but we dealt with them.

*                    *                    *

Rye again,

I think this ‘problem’ is just one of many that we deal with. This one happens to be hilarious (in my opinion, I’m sure Sir doesn’t think so). But there is a lot of trial and error that has to happen as we both get more comfortable in our D/s roles and play. We can’t start out being perfect all the time just because I’ve read a bunch of erotica novels and we both watch porn.

I think one of the things that has really helped us is the ability to be flexible. Like last night, my muscles weren’t really up for his ‘plan’ so he changed it. We still had a great time (I mean, his cock got sucked, he’s not complaining) even if it wasn’t the original, planned out scene he has envisioned.

So moral of the bondage story is to be willing to go with the flow and don’t get hung up on being perfect all the time. Sir is more than perfect enough for me. Even when I laugh at him for roping me to the bed and then realizing he wanted me on my back. Though through personal experience I will say that laughing will get you into a lot of trouble.

In Reponse

I got several wonderful comments on my post this morning, but I didn’t want to individually respond with the same thing over and over. Also, I think a little clarification will help along the way.

I personally think that Sir was trying to make nearly impossible traits in a person so that he would never find them. I think that it was his extreme fantasy. And I think that he was really on edge for responses when he posted it. I know he’s not happy about it. He didn’t want to come across that way and he really isn’t like that. I think it was more the fear that he was wrong. That he was alone in this dark fantasy of just a person to play with and not to know. And the reality that that might be true cut him pretty deep.

I think we both had ways of trying to be comfortable playing with others. I think that he was trying to force it. I always looked at playing with someone else as off in the distance. After I got over my insecurities, and I was more experienced. But I am always scared of having that weird experience with another person and start to wonder if the grass is greener and all that. Something I guess I was worried about him doing too, hence the no sex request.

Honestly, I agree with the sentiments that he reacted poorly. The woman who responded was just trying to help him and be honest that his expectations were unreasonable. But I think he read it that she was judging his kink. That she was telling him that he was wrong. And maybe he was, but it was just a stressful place. My mother always said if you get a mean email or a bad comment (or you perceive it as bad) you should try and wait twelve hours or so before you respond so you don’t say something you regret. He doesn’t listen to my mother often enough, obviously.

I will say that I believe with every fiber of my being that he is a good man. And writing up a fantasy on Fet and getting a slap of reality doesn’t make him a bad person. He’s feels bad about lashing out, but I think that it happens. Not that it is a justification, but we are dealing with a lot of stress right now. He is getting ready to start setting up his firm. We just started this crazy process of buying a house. I think having two kids and working full time was completely different that what he thought it would be. It’s been a struggle. And I’m not exactly the easiest submissive to deal with either. He is trying so hard to mesh our kinks and get somewhere close to enough sleep.

I know I rag on him on here from time to time. But while I need to rant to give myself a break from my mom and slave duties, don’t think that I in any way doubt him. He is my everything. Collar or no, his pet, slave, or just his wife. His could be the only penis I suck for the rest of my life and I would be over the moon about that.

I just hope that through this minor set back in his dominant reputation on a social media website he remembers what is really important to him. And I hope that people remember that people make mistakes and it shouldn’t define them.

Dreaming of Dominance

If you had a choice, what you would dream about tonight?

I would dream about my perfect dominant. His confidence as he ordered my meal at dinner and asked about my day. His smile as we left the restaurant with his hand resting in the small of my back. Enjoying the missing strap from my thong, just as he had ordered. That tingly feeling as we ride the elevator up to our hotel room. Our eyes lock as the doors close and I see his fingers twitch. He was itching to touch me, just as I want to jump on him. Of course, he expected me to always be ladylike, so dry humping his leg would not be advised.

He is firm as he leads me to our door. The door barely closes before I am removing my dress and bra. He wants to help so he can touch my skin, but finds watching even more erotic. My thigh-highs and heels will keep me warm as the wine from dinner has my body at a nice warm glow. I watch in turn, practically drooling, as he removes his tie and lays it across the chair. I kneel in position next to the bed, waiting for instructions. Happy to just watch him walk across the room. His movements are purposeful and strong. Just looking at him makes me feel safe. Not to mention extremely turned on.

He moves me about the room over the next few hours. From the chair, to the bed, to the shower and back again. An endless orchestra of moans and cries brought on by his masterful hands.  He wakes me after a quick nap with a hard  fucking and little bits along my neck. I worship his cock and kiss his feet as he helps me fell sexier than I ever thought I could. The calm as ropes tighten and tears fall take me to a place I can only be with him. His smile as I eagerly crawl across the room toward him remind me that I could not do this with anyone else. Because my perfect dominant inspires all my submission.

*        *         *

And I would smile as I woke up on the floor next to his bed in the morning. Like I do every morning.

Wicked Wednesday

Some days are easier than others

Can I please sleep, Sir? I am so tired.

No, you haven’t been fucked properly yet. And I really wouldn’t recommend falling asleep while you are being fucked. I hear being beaten awake is not fun.

Please, Sir. I was up last night several times with the baby. If you are tired we don’t play.

Are you insinuating that I am being unfair? That this should be fair? You are not stupid enough, my little slave, to be saying that, are you?

No, Sir. I would never think that. I apologize for whining. And you would never have a stupid slave, Sir.

Good. Now, I would hate for you to get too comfortable as I wouldn’t want you to fall asleep. So get into position #2 on the floor. The rug burn on your face will keep you awake.

Yes, Sir.

Now, I think you can get your ass a little higher, Rye. Remember, discomfort is your friend. You’ll get to sleep sooner and without welts this way. See, I can be nice.

Thank you, Sir.

Fix Me

“When we start in a D/s relationship we invite intervention, in fact we seek it out. We want to find the love and connection again, we want to be fixed, we expect them to fix us.” -Twitter Boyfriend

We were talking about my post from yesterday and this was part of his response to my feelings. It made so much sense. And I’m sure that this isn’t the way it works for everyone, but apparently there are some people in the world with self-confidence. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people. And I think I expected that D/s would magically give that to me. Like the collar would create self-worth for me somehow.

In some ways it did. Being his in this new dynamic made me feel worth it. I have been more secure in our relationship and our marriage than I ever did when we were vanilla. And I think I find myself taking it one step too far. I start finding other parts of my personality that I keep looking for him to improve. Rather than working on myself, I’m just sort of dumping all the negative aspects of myself into his lap. And he’s not interested in it. His desire to control isn’t about nitpicking specific faults. Most of the things that bother me about myself he doesn’t care about anyway. While he is encouraging me to get healthy, he doesn’t care about my weight. He has expectations that have nothing to do fixing me and everything to do with serving him.

By looking for him to ‘improve’ me, I’m making it about me. And the reality is that that’s kind of the opposite of what M/s is (just in case you were wondering). It should be all about him.

I just need to take a chill pill. My father always said that. I just need to relax and let him lead. It’s like I want him to lead a dance that I’ve choreographed, so I know all the steps and I keep telling him when he makes a wrong move. Not a good slave plan.

I’ll just focus on him and I’m sure he will let me know if I need to change anything in my behavior. Likewise, I have faith that he will provide motivation and instruction on how to fix those faults. If you’re curious, ‘motivation’ is what I call this pinch and lift thing he does to my nipples.

Beautiful Monotony

Monotony can be really boring. I mean, the movie Groundhog Day should have been classified a horror film for most people. And, I am sure, that reading the same thing day after day on this blog would not be entertaining for you.

Some people, however, enjoy monotony in their lives. My mom is perfectly happy to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday. My son can watch the same movie on repeat. I, too, like the routine of my morning and the quiet of my blog and work time each day. To some it’s monotonous, to me it’s bliss.

Last night, I was kneeling on my little bed on the floor. Sir and I were talking about our day and our goals for tomorrow (today). And I was thinking about what to write about. I usually try to plan out some posts for the week, but with the odd, emotional weekend at my parents, I didn’t have time. So I’m playing a little catch up. But I was talking to Sir and I realized how normal it felt. Sleeping on the floor. Kneeling at his feet. It was comfortable. And, in many ways, monotonous. I get out of the shower, I go to my bed and kneel in position until told to speak. And I think the break from the routine is really what threw me off this weekend.

Monotony of this dynamic is actually beautiful. I know what he expects of me (at least here I do). There is so much comfort in that. Before (I always talk about our life before D/s as if it was a lifetime ago; because it feels that way), our nighttime was always awkward. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to make the first move. Or if he was tired and just wanted to sleep. There were always questions about sex and talking and even whether or not to cuddle. Now I have a place. No matter what I always return to my bed; and he will let me know what he needs from me.

Monotony feels so good.

Rules Update

It has been about seven months since Sir and I have gone through the rules and made updates. Looking on the rules pages right now there are notes about my ‘upcoming’ trip to Scotland, which is now six months gone. So Sir wanted to take his time as we are now making TPE work. He has really wanted to ramp up the control and we have been adding things slowly, so getting them all written down took time. Most of these things I do already, so it’s just that now I can be punished for not doing them.

Last night as we looked over them again he asked me how I felt his control while he was work. It was great that I could give him such a lengthy answer. It was this constant feeling of being watched by him. It was amazing. The same feeling as when, later last night, when he ate me out while pulling on my leash. Or when he fucked me and beat me with the hemp daisy chain. Feeling cared about. I am such an attention whore.

I am sure these rules will continue to grow. Sir is working on levels of protocol to go with them. We have been sorting out how I am to balance kids, work, and slave mindsets. Someday I may have to only worry about being his slave, but that will probably involve winning the lottery, so learning to balance for the foreseeable future seems prudent.

The Rules

effective September 1, 2015

Section I – Rules applicable at all times (The Always Rules)

  • Ask permission to drink anything besides coffee (with creamer) or water
    • No coffee after noon without express permission
  • Every day, ask for lunch instructions
  • No snacking without permission
  • Complete all tasks given on wunderlist.
  • Have your phone within arms reach at all times when Master is not at home
  • Comport yourself in a respectful and respectable manner, so as not to cast dispersions upon Master, unless specifically instructed to behave otherwise.
  • Make sure your phone is always charged
  • Make sure your phone’s sound is always on (except when inappropriate).

Section II – Mothering

  • Protect and nurture our children.
  • Make sure that Daycare has everything they need
  • Get the children ready to go in the morning – without whining about it.
  • Keep Master informed of the children’s’ health and other significant information

Section III – Sex Slave

  • “Do as you are told.”
  • Ask permission to cum unless it is given in advance.
  • Use every opportunity to impress your owner.
  • Accept the fact that you do not have control over who fucks you, how, when, or where.
  • Accept the fact that your master’s decisions about your body are your inescapable destiny.
  • Accept the fact that your master will temper the enactment of his will based on his understanding of your real needs and real limitations, regardless of whether or not you are comfortable with putting limits on play. You do not get a say in whether Master respects your limits.

Section IV – Domestic Slave

  • Ensure that the house is presentable at all times
    • Presentable means that the house may be covered in toys, folded clothes, and a couple of dirty dishes.
    • Presentable means that
      • there is no food left rotting in the kitchen (special attention to fruits and vegetables);
      • that the garbage is not the first thing you smell when you walk into the house
      • that there are not piles of dirty clothes visible outside of a hamper
  • Prepare meals as instructed
  • Make sure the soap is replaced
  • Make sure the laundry is done
  • Make sure you have at least one clean uniform available at all times, to the extent reasonable.
  • Pay bills.
  • Ensure the grocery list is adequately updated – and specifically noted
  • Mow the lawn

Section V – Owned Property

  • ALWAYS. BE. RESPECTFUL.
    • This rule is intentionally vague. I am not going to tell you every respectful and disrespectful action possible. You are intelligent – use your judgment.
  • Life is not fair and our lives are not “even.” You will feel burdened and put-upon. You will feel betrayed and disrespected. You will feel belittled and diminished. You can say when you have these emotions, but you will not do so with anger or spite.
  • Never forget that you are smart, witty, clever, insightful, and creative. You are to use these gifts to improve your Master’s life. This means that you are going to be required to speak out of turn when it is in your Master’s best interest. This sounds counterintuitive with regards to many other rules that are designed to ensure obedience. However, this is a false paradox. In time you will learn when best to speak and when best to hold your tongue.
  • Do as you are told.
  • Use every opportunity to impress your owner.
  • Present yourself well and do your best (have self confidence)
  • Be aware of your actions and your surroundings, so that you can be ready for whatever life throws at you (be self aware)
  • Ask where you will sleep at night, as instructed in the bedtime routine
  • Wear plain white underwear at all times, unless instructed otherwise and except as follows
    • Wear plain gray underwear when menstruating
    • Uniform: white shirt and black shorts (no underwear) as chosen by master
    • You will change into your uniform every day once Master gets home, and whenever instructed
  • You are responsible for making sure that your asshole is safely fuckable
    • Live every day assuming that you will be fucked in the ass that evening
    • After September 7, 2015: Every day
    • in the shower you will put as much of and as many fingers as you can into your asshole and report on it
  • Shave your cunt every 24 hours.
    • Every day, after your shower go into Master’s bedroom and cleanly hand shave your cunt.
    • Apply a soothing, skin friendly lotion to your cunt before going to sleep.
  • Money
    • Always ask permission before spending any money, if foreseeable.
    • Report the amount of money spent immediately or as soon afterwards as is reasonable.
  • You own nothing. Everything you used to own is now Master’s.
  • You will brush your teeth three times a day:
    • Once you have finished your morning coffee
    • After lunch
    • Between 8 and 9pm
  • You will floss/use the water jet twice a day
    • After the lunch brushing
    • After the bedtime brushing
  • You will use your prescription mouthwash daily, in accordance with the medication’s instructions
  • You will take all medication as instructed and as per prescription instructions
  • Every day before bed, you will tell Master everything that you accomplished in the day, and everything that gave you trouble during the day. You will share your thoughts and emotions about your service. You will speak openly and honestly.
  • You will tell Master if you have any health concerns.

—————

Addendum I – Bedtime Protocol

  • When Baby goes to bed, Big Boy loses the iPad
  • Big Boy brushes his teeth, then everyone puts away all electronic devices and we play until 8:00
  • At 8:00 we start to wind down and read books
  • When the books are read, he goes to bed.
  • We will relax and wait for him to go to sleep until 9:00
  • From 9:00pm until 6:00am the following morning, and unless instructed otherwise, you will not make eye contact with Master.
  • From 9:00pm until 6:00am the following morning, you will assume the demeanor of a sex slave.
  • At 9:00 you will go and wait in the shower in the prescribed position
  • I will piss on and in you as I see fit
  • You will shower and I may help, as I see fit
  • You will go into my bedroom and assume your pose on your slave bed and hold that position until I tell you to speak.
  • Once given permission to speak, you will say this and only this: “Where would Master like his slave to sleep tonight?”
  • Once the question is answered, you will enter a “low kneel” and discuss the activities of the past 24 hours and the anticipated activities of the next 24 hours with Master.
  • You will follow all instructions.

Addendum II – Punishment, or, things that will absolutely get you in trouble every single time

  • Cumming without permission
  • Disrupting Master while he is speaking
  • Being disrespectful, including
    • raising your voice in anger
    • raising your voice in defense
    • raising your voice in defiance
  • Rolling your eyes.
  • Disobeying a direct order
  • Not asking for clarification if it is needed
  • Lying
  • Fibbing
  • Bending the truth
  • Keeping secrets from Master- unless of a socially acceptable nature (personal identification information; surprise party planning; the One True Name of Santa Claus; etc.)
  • Endangering yourself or others, whether intentionally or negligently.

 

Can you tell he is a lawyer? Not a loophole to be found.

A Better Way

Punishment Writing Assignment:
Instructions:
On Thursday, August 27 you will post these instructions, the prompt below, and your response to that prompt. You will not add any additional explanation, though, from Friday, August 28 onward, you may discuss – or not – the assignment and the facts underlying it as you see fit.
Prompt:
You have been given an instruction by your dominant over an electronic media. It is clear to you that the described task is expected to be completed immediately or as soon as possible. It is also clear to you that it is based on a misinterpretation (reasonable or not) about your availability to complete the task. In fact, this misinterpretation makes you feel some resentment because you feel it represents, on some level, a failure for your dominant to be aware of you and the realities of your life. Your first instinct is to respond with something snarky, sarcastic, and disrespectful. Instead, you take a deep breath and think of a respectful way to respond.
Provide 12 different ways to respectfully respond to your dominant in this instance. Your responses may be either written, verbatim, as you would write them to reply in the electronic media, or they may be an explanation of actions that you would take in response to your dominant’s instructions.
1. “Sir, may I please have an extended deadline to complete this task? I am currently dealing with an impatient child. If you require [said task] to be completed immediately, I may need some help in addressing the children’s needs. Thank you.”
2.  Try to make the children as comfortable as possible and complete the ordered task. I needed to recognize that you would understand that I was doing my best and following your orders as soon as I could.
3. “Sir, to complete this task I will need some help with the kids. Can you please relieve me of ‘mom duty’ when you get time? Thank you, Sir.”
4. “Sir, I apologize, but I have a work deadline and a lot to complete. Could you please clarify when you need [said task] completed and I will do my best to meet those expectations? Thank you Sir.”
5. “Yes, Sir.”
6. “Yes, Sir. I am wrestling with [child x or y] and I will take care of that as soon as possible.”
7. “Sir, the children are worked up and require my undivided attention at this moment. Would it possible to have a hand with them so I can complete this task for you, or an extension to finish it as soon as I get them settled down? Thank you, Sir.”
8. “Yes, Sir. Can you please specify a time frame that you need this completed?
9. “Sir, Would it be possible to review my daily tasks with you? I am unsure, with the children’s current behavior (needy/clingy) that I will able to meet your expectations as far as chores are concerned. I would appreciate if we could look at and possibly edit the list for today. Thank you, Sir.”
10. “Yes, Sir. Can you please clarify the priority of this task? Thank you, Sir.”
11. Yes, Sir. I must respectfully request that you come down and help me with the children. I am struggling to complete my standard work and cannot take care of the [said task] as this time.”
12. Suck it up, make it work, and get it done. “This task has been completed, Sir.”
Additional Response demanded as Numbers 7 and 11 were too similar:
13. “Yes, Sir. Can this [said task] be combined with my evening chores as I do not have the ability to take care of it presently? Once the children go to bed I will have a chance to give this my full attention. Thank you, Sir.”
Love you Sir.