Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Celibacy Sucks

My husband and I haven’t had sex in weeks. He fingered me a few weeks ago. I gave him a blow job and a hand job last weekend. Yesterday he rubbed my thigh. This is the extent of the physical interaction we’ve had lately.

I’m trying to take a step back and keep perspective. Sex isn’t everything. He and I get along great and enjoy spending time together. I wish that was enough.

It’s not like this was a sudden thing. He has been losing interest in me sexually since I was pregnant with our second child. Ever since then he hasn’t really want to initiate sex. And now he says that it’s because I always seemed disappointed in sex. Like he was never good enough. But that’s an oversimplification. His desire of me began fading a long time ago. And his refusal to take responsibility for his part in this is probably what bothers me the most.

His ‘explanation’ makes my submission the root of the problem. But it’s not actually the issue. My submission merely explains my need for attention and my dislike of asking for sex. I don’t even feel like my personality has even changed, it only makes more sense to me. My sex drive has increased, but I’ve also tried really hard not to pressure him with that.

Obviously this is all from my perspective. But I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to make him more comfortable. I’ve worked to seduce him. I have purchased gifts, preformed acts of service, even worked to ignore all my needs to put his first. And I thought if I could just do that until he was out of his funk, that things would become better. But it hasn’t worked.

He’s still so distant from me and I’ve pushed down so much of myself. I tried to masturbate the other day and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t get turned on enough to get anywhere. It was soul-crushing.

Needless to say I don’t think celibacy is for me. Though I’m not sure I have much control over it.

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I wrote the above yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I went upstairs to try and masturbate. My husband came up and fucked me with a dildo while I rode the Doxy. It was amazing. It’s this type of thing that keeps me in constant confusion. But at the same time, if opposite day is going to work with my post drafts then prepare to be inundated.

Mother’s Day Oral

I got mother’s day oral last night. It sort of felt like a birthday blow job that wive’s who hate oral give their husband’s under duress. I hate to say that, but that’s really how it felt.

He used to love giving me oral. He would want to continue after all the nerves in my clit were screaming. I would roll away in a giddy puddle and he would almost look hurt that he had to stop. That is all gone.

And I hate that it bothers me. It was all I could think about and it kept me from even enjoying what was happening. It was the first time he had touched me in any sort of sexual way in weeks and all I could think about was that he was only doing it because it was Mother’s day.

My birthday is in August. Maybe I can sort my shit out by then.

Four and Half Years

I’ve been on this journey of submission since 2013. And last Saturday I had a serious discussion with my husband and my dom about stopping everything. Close down the blog, deactivate my twitter account, stop playing like I know what I’m talking about.

Maybe if I were to just focus on my job and my family. If I let my sex drive wane and move on. Will this pain fade? If I ignore the pain of my absent collar could I be happy. Is my vanilla life enough to distract my BDSM cravings?

It would hurt like crazy to lose my small strings of submission. Losing my connections to the BDSM community would be difficult too. Everyone on the kinky/sex blogger web is so nice and supportive. I’m just afraid that I don’t really have anything to offer more than whining and unfulfilled fantasies. And I would have to decide if I was going to try and keep my poly relationships going (losing Jack too may be too much). But as finances are always tight and he’s three time zones away, maybe that would be in his best interests too.

My dom has asked me to wait and reflect a few days before I make any drastic decisions. He had a few ideas and things for me to consider; which I really appreciate. I just feel so lost all the time. Writing is hard as I feel like a fraud with this blog. I’m not collared. I call this a sex blog and I have less sex now than when I was vanilla.

I just wonder if faking this attempt at a kinky life is better than than the pain of pretending like it’s not part of who I am. Either way I’ll always have my ‘good girl’ tattoo; even if no one ever says it.

I Haven’t Run Off to Join the Circus

Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA. I honestly have a few different posts started and just need to find some quiet time to finish them.

Last night my mother called to tell me that a dog was hit in front of our farm house last night. Just like our dog that was hit five years ago. I tried my best to hold it together on the phone with her, but I collasped as soon as I hung up. It triggered everything with my PTSD. I haven’t had an episode like that in years. But I couldn’t stop shaking. I was really looking forward to a cider after dinner, but I couldn’t stomach it.

My husband was wonderful. He held me and let me cry. We curled up with the kids and watched a movie. It was nice to just be able to sit quietly. Though I’ll admit it was difficult to focus on much.

We have people coming over for dinner tonight, so not sure when I will get to write ‘for real’. Maybe the extra time will help me make sense of all my thoughts. Fingers crossed you won’t get another rambling mess of a post like this one. Anyone know with any type of mental illness knows that sometimes you just don’t have any control and you just have to ride the wave. I really wasn’t prepared for this wave, so we’ll see how it goes.

Update: Brotherly Love

Last fall we discovered that my brother that was in an abusive situation in the care home where he lived. I wrote my anger and frustration at not being able to help more. Several of you were very supportive and understanding of my non-kinky rant.

I just wanted to follow up and say that we had him over for lunch on Sunday and he’s doing much better. We have him back in his previous home and things have improved. He has lost a lot of weight and his moods have leveled. There are still weekly meetings with the psych, but on the whole he’s massively better.

I just want to say thanks again to everyone for the support over the last few months. 🙂

Lost in a Daydream

I had a daydream while I was in the shower. I was scrubbing off the day’s workout and when I rinsed off the soap my tattoo sleeve began to come off. At first I thought it was just dirt from cleaning at the house. However, I soon realized it was actually the ink running. I checked my other tattoos, but it was only my sleeve that was coming off. And not just a little bit, but most of the lace was already gone. Panicking, I tried to shield my arm from the water stream. I jumped from the shower and dried my arm to stem the loss. However, when I removed the towel there was little remaining of a piece that took over ten hours of tattooing and cost a lot of money.

Daydream may have been a bit of a misnomer. More like a nightmare that I was awake for. I zone out in the shower and jolted moments later with this stuck in my head. I clutched my arm for the rest of my shower and rushed rinsing my hair. I still can’t shake the feeling I had.

When I was still in therapy, I talked about dreams a lot. My therapist always wanted to break down my dreams as a part of how I was process stress. Some of them while I was pregnant were quite interesting. It was occasionally hokey, but most of it was quite helpful. And, even though this was a daydream, I used the same techniques to try and process it.

I feel like I am losing myself. Like my identity is being stripped just like the ink on my arm. Now I am worried that I am even more lost than I thought. My head has me to tied in knots that I don’t feel like myself. So much so, that my brain is removing my most personal tattoo like it were magic marker. Maybe it’s time to head back to therapy. Or just a few touch-ups on my sleeve to ensure it’s really on there. I know which would be more painful.

An uncollared submissive struggling with depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm

So much has changed in the last few months I felt like the blog needed a bit of a re-working. The title will stay ‘Chasing Me, Chasing You’. I still feel like that most of the time. But, the subtitle is now a bit more accurate and my Rules and Contracts pages are gone. Not sure if my posts will change much, but I am hoping to start writing more. I guess I am hoping I can try and feel more authentic when I write.

I always felt like I couldn’t express how hard this roller-coaster has been. Not sure if I was more worried about actually admitting it to myself or the fear of my husband reading it. I don’t want him to be hurt, but that doesn’t make my hurt go away. But, he admitted that he doesn’t read this anymore. It was painful to hear that, but I’ve decided to take it as a positive and use this space to write what I really feel. No more sugar coating or holding back.

So, fair warning, you may have to put up with a certain amount of whinging. I’m hoping I can also write about all the kink fantasies and poly experiences that are running around in my brain. Maybe if I can release those feelings here I can deal with my vanilla life better. And, having a place to post all the lovely photos of when Jack and I do manage to get together is always nice.

A few weeks ago I thought I was going to need to walk away from writing in general and the blog all together. I mean, the website is called ‘collared mom’. With only half of that still being true I could not bear to even think about posting anything. Not writing has hurt. And it didn’t make sense to me to add to my pain. Reading of those who attended Eroticon this year just reminded me how much I want to be part of this community. I will start saving to attend next year, as I need to do this for me.

Thank you all for your continued support and I hope those of you who keep reading aren’t disappointed.

Finding the Positive Through the Trees

My life has been very vanilla focused lately. Husband started a new job and slack at home has had to be picked up. I’ve taken over dinner duty again and most cleaning chores. I’m not complaining; it’s a good thing and I’m fine to take on more. Sleep has been hit and miss though, so I’m basically exhausted.

The kink side of my brain is still chugging away though. As a couple we are still trying to work out what we are and how we can manage everything. He swears he is okay with my relationship with Jack, so that will continue. He did admit that he don’t want to open our relationship any more though. I think that is more than reasonable. It’s not like I have time for another lover at this point anyway. Not that I would purposefully go against his wishes, it just makes it easier.

Husband and I took a walk over the weekend through a nature preserve outside of town. It was a beautiful day and a lovely walk. As we wondered through the woods he kept look through the trees. When I asked if he was looking for a different path he said no. Instead, he said he was looking for a felled tree or stump to bend me over.

Nothing wrong with that 🙂

Reality Strikes Back

Sometimes you have to hear and accept the difficult reality in order to move past it. Tamar’s comment on here the other day was hard to read. I didn’t want my actions to be causing my own problems, who really does. But as hard as it was to read, it was mostly right.

I need to focus on my ‘vanilla’ life right now, because at this point that’s the only life I’ve got. And at the rate I’m going I am going to lose that too.

Writing will always be a part of me, probably even erotica. But I probably won’t be posting as much on here for awhile. I need to start exercising again, getting more sleep, and fixing my marriage. Expecting everyone else to change while I stay the same is pretty unrealistic. So it looks like I am facing a lot of self-improvement ahead.

I just want to say that I appreciate the reality checks and the supportive words. And I am not disappearing. Just probably not updating as often. I still want to take part in as many memes as I can and finish my Define Your Kink series. This community means the world to me and I have no intention to leaving it. I may even get around and get a Sinful Sunday around for tomorrow.

Selfish Thoughts

How do we balance what we do for ourselves as opposed to what is best for our partner/family/future?

Vanilla example:

I was approached this week by local law firm and offered a job. The increase in pay is amazing. I would have my own office (a career goal of mine) and a job title more in line with degree. I would be creating and managing records, and being allowed to make decisions. It could be a fantastic opportunity for me to not just be another nameless face in a company. But, the benefits aren’t as good as what we have now. I would be leaving possibly a more stable pension as well as dental and vision. The health care coverage wouldn’t cover as much of our mental health meds and the co-pays are higher.
So do I leave my current job, which isn’t a bad job, for something with higher pay and more opportunity for me? Or do I say as the benefits would be better for my family?
I’ll admit, as a submissive, I struggle with this. And it’s times like this that I see it come out in my non-kink life. I want my family to be happy. If I switch jobs, I may be happier, but if it’s at their expense, then I don’t want it. I thought if I took the job that I would take some of the money I received from Christmas and go buy a few new outfits. As soon as I thought it I immediately felt guilty for even thinking about spending money on myself.

Kink example:

Is being a submissive, in general, selfish? Now that I know that my husband doesn’t consider himself dominant it just seems selfish to pursue it. Especially since he’s be supportive of my relationship with Jack. My submission does make me happy, and I guess a happier me does affect my relationship with my husband and my kids. But is that enough? Should I just be happy with what I have?
I’m sure this can’t just be an issue for submissives, women, or mothers. I guess it just always seems to me that other people have a handle on it so much better than I do. Co-workers get their nails done or go shopping as a treat for themselves and not feel guilty. My mother bought herself a new car with her last promotion.
My submission is colliding with the vanilla part of my life this week. My husband is pushing me to very non-submissive actions. And the decision to switch jobs is becoming more complicated. I think I am playing over these thoughts a lot more than twice.
I need a drink.
Read about everyone else’s (probably sexier) posts about second thoughts today by clicking below.
Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings