Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Motherhood Fail?

I have always wanted to be a mom. I had a good childhood and have always wanted to have kids of my own. However, I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t begrudge those women who do and are, I have immense respect for them. But it’s just not anything that I wanted to do. My mother always worked outside the home and I have lofty career goals. So believe me when I say that the last few months have been tough.

Between the fear that I am screwing up my children and the feeling of not contributing to the household financially, I am a mess. I don’t have any personal time. I never leave the house (except with two children in tow). My insomnia has gotten worse. Obviously, I get up with the baby, but you would think that I would be so tired at the end of the day that I just crash. Not a chance. Last night it took me about three hours to fall asleep. On the bright side, I got through a few chapters of my book. So, I guess that is my personal time.

Then there is the crushing guilt. I wanted to be a mom, shouldn’t I be relishing this time with my kids? I should have fun crafts and playdates scheduled everyday to foster their education and social skills. I should have handmade snacks and fresh juice for their routine meal times. The house should be clean and dinner prepared when Master gets home. Easy, right?

But it’s not easy. I didn’t really think it would be simple, again, I’m not trying to put down good stay-at-home moms. But I have always worked hard to be good at whatever challenges I’m faced with. I thought, though difficult, that I could work at it and be successful. I have never felt like a bigger failure.

Was I wrong to have kids if I didn’t want to stay home with them? Can I still be a good mom without needing a break from my boys? A break, by the way, includes more than just being able to go to the bathroom by myself, which I can currently not do either.

Sorry for whining. My PMS has my emotional sanity on it’s last legs. I just don’t know where to go from here.

The Parental Date

There are all these books and professionals that say that continuing to go out on dates after marriage is important to communication. This becomes even more essential after children as it’s probably your only time to talk about anything besides diapers. I completely understand the importance of this advice. As I am currently at home with my kids all day, the idea of getting away sounds heavenly. Especially if it’s for a dinner that I don’t have to cook or clean up after.

But do we put too much pressure on these nights? I think that Sir and I have been out on maybe three dates since we moved, probably only one since Tiny was born. And on the rare occasion that we do get to go out, we build it up to be a huge event. And when (not if) it isn’t everything we created in our minds, we feel like we failed the date.

In the Dismas Hardy novels by John Lescroart (an excellent series by the way) he and his wife go to the same bar every Wednesday as their date night. No pressure to dress up, no guilt about spending half the paycheck at a fancy place. It sounds so calming and relaxing. That’s what I want, I want to relax when I get a chance to go out. I’m not sure if we’ll ever get to the point and we can manage it every week, but that sounds great too. I love the idea of looking good for Sir and having a great adventure somewhere, but I spend all day every day catering and entertaining two small children. Just having a drink and eating something unhealthy is perfect.

I’m sure I don’t speak for everyone, I have no intention to do so. But I encourage those who continue to be let down by their overly complicated date nights, to just enjoy yourselves. Go to a bar, have a drink and eat some loaded fries. Get a latte and walk around the supermarket or Target without having to run after a screaming toddler. Don’t talk about all the laundry sitting at home, and no puke or poop stories. Talk about dreams, vent about coworkers, feed each other. When you get home you can go back to your lives. In my case, that means following orders from Sir and two little children. Maybe you can curl up with a nice cup of coffee and book for me.

Smile Time

My two month old looked at me and smiled today. It melted my heart. Talk about a wave of motivation. And right now I need all the motivation I can get.

The job search is halting. Jobs that look interesting won’t give me the time of day. I’m sure that other people experience this. Some sort of required education or experience keeps you from a job that looks good or that you would be great at. I would be an amazing personal assistant. I keep this family organized and I know I could do it for someone else. But getting someone to give me the opportunity to show that is difficult. Our society is so ingrained in ‘who you know’, that I have no shot. I hate the idea that my parent’s limited social circle has somehow punished my employment options.

What really scares me is that my social circle could change my son’s lives. When my little boy smiles at me like he did this morning, it just makes me worry even more that my incapability to find a good job now and create those connections so my kids can get a position in the future. My careful nature when choosing my friend and confidants could alter their employment. I don’t know if that makes me want to be more outgoing, or just depressed about how little my work ethic and commitment means when I apply for a position.

Right now I will apply for jobs and focus on the beautiful smiles of my sons to get me through. Maybe I can talk Sir into an orgasm or three tonight.

The Priority Game

My husband makes fun of me, because I wasn’t allowed to play video games. He thinks that this has ruined my chances for good dexterity and hand/eye coordination. Well, joke’s on him, because I’m a mom.

My day consists of the balance of priorities game. I’ve become a pro at going back and forth to each thing that requires my attention.

Morning:

Wake-Up – Get Baby 2.0 up and calm. Get Boy in clean clothes.

Shower – 7.5 minutes of me time

Breakfast – Get Boy breakfast and start cartoons. Start coffee for Husband. Let Dog out. Get morning bottle for Baby 2.0. Curl up with Boy for cartoon cuddles. Get laundry from upstairs. Bring Baby 2.0 downstairs so Husband can get a shower. Pour coffee for myself and Husband. Get clean diaper for Baby 2.0 and start feeding him breakfast. Remind Husband to pack lunch and ask what he wants for dinner. Finish feeding Baby 2.0 after Husband leaves. Start Laundry. Get snack for Boy. Rock Baby 2.0 when he wakes up. Try to get Dishes done until Baby 2.0 wakes up or Boy needs a drink. Let Dog out. Attempt to eat breakfast. Sneak to bathroom when possible for 30-45 seconds of alone time.

Lunch – Repeat breakfast

Dinner – Repeat lunch. Do dishes until bedtime routine.

Bedtime – Get Boy in pajamas, get him water. Get nighttime bottle sorted for Baby 2.0. Remind Husband to fill his water glass. Read Boy book(s) or feed Baby 2.0 (whichever Husband isn’t doing). Beg Baby 2.0 to fall asleep to white noise machine while gently rubbing his head. Crawl into bed until nighttime feeding.

This is my day. I would be impressed with my own skill at balancing two children, a dog, and this house, but I feel so inadequate. I don’t have any time to work on me, much less get a job, be a good submissive, or any kind of growth.

Ok, I need to start dinner and the late afternoon routine. Baby 2.0 needs a clean diaper and Boy will want his afternoon snack soon. I will give myself double points if I can survive this another few months of this.

Holy Emotional Melt-down Batman

Well, today was a day…

Started with a serious lack of sleep thanks to my eldest. So the morning was more of a struggle than normal. I chose to try and be proactive and take the kids to the grocery early and get it out of the way. However, fate was not on my side today. I was bringing the groceries in the house and I dropped a gallon of milk on the floor. It shattered and made my kitchen look like someone slaughtered a cow. There was milk everywhere. Then I had two screaming kids while I was trying to clean it up. I called my husband crying and he came home to find me on the floor in the kitchen crying and trying to feed the baby. It was quite a morning.

Looking forward to visiting with a very close friend tonight. Maybe I will have a drink or three to forget the afternoon.

The Witching Hour

There is an hour, between 9 and 10 in the morning, where both my children push every possible button I have. I think there is some chemical trigger that sets them off. They know my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet and Sir has left for work, so they attack with everything they’ve got. By the time 10 rolls around I am near tears and spend the rest of the day trying to recoup my sanity. This rarely works.

Coupled with lack of sleep and this hour is the constant downfall of day. Being a stay at home mother is harder than anything else I have ever done. I know it was for the best, with Sir’s job forcing the move, it didn’t make sense to commute and pay for daycare. But the last six months have been full of change and craziness.

As a continuing theme of life change in 2014, Sir and I have decided to ramp up the BDSM now that I am healed from childbirth. This, of course, is purely up to his whims. And I know that it makes me a terrible submissive, but I feel like he is really dropping the ball. I can feel myself turning into a brat in the effort to get attention. Being home with a three year old and a 3-month old doesn’t leave much time for me. The idea of getting to serve and have some sort of personal release is getting too difficult to ignore.

We’ll see how much longer I can attempt to keep everyone in the house happy. As long as I continue to ignore my own need to sleep and personal happiness, then I have a shot. The dog seems to think I’m doing a good job.

February Rain Showers

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

February rain. Now it’s turning into ice as it hits the ground, but it’s rain. The massive storm didn’t turn into too much actually. Hopefully it won’t get too cold tonight and snow, or my commute tomorrow will be fun.

However, tomorrow is a big day. D and I go for our first ultrasound. We are pretty excited. We’ll get our official due date and hopefully a picture or two. My parents are coming this weekend, they are the last important people we need to tell. We have been trying to keep everything quiet until we tell them. I had to tell a few of my coworkers as my morning sickness was getting fun, but other than that we have been pretty good.  We traded in our sedan a little over a week ago for a larger car and we told D’s parents then. And after this weekend we are going to start telling people. But I’m really nervous about how my parents are going to respond. I don’t think they will storm out or anything, but that’s not the same as being happy for us.

Right now I just need to get over this cough thing. I guess it’s been going around Pittsburgh. But I just can’t shake it.

Well, big things happening lately. Hopefully my being sick won’t ruin them all.

Long week

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

It’s been a very long week. I know, it’s only Monday. I guess I mean it’s been a long month.

Back into the waiting game for the pregnancy. I can’t test until late next week, so I just have to stew. It makes it hard to stay focused on anything. And a friend from high school just found out she’s pregnant with twins. I was talking to a friend on how to describe my feelings. I’m not bitter, I really happy for her, but I’m sad. I don’t like that.

D’s getting a little overwhelmed with school. Or maybe I’m getting a little overwhelmed with D and school. We’re hitting the home stretch though, only a month till exams and then end of the semester. They say the first year is the hardest. I sure hope so.

I just really feel like we are floating right now. We’re talking about buying a newer car, we’ve even looked at buying a house. So every unforeseen expense is stressing me out. I just feel like I’m in a no-win situation as we get closer to the Christmas season. I guess I could force the two of us into super save mode, but I have a feeling that that would just make us more stressed and upset. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t get a good greasy burger or taco every once in awhile I’m just inconsolable.

What I really need is to take a step back and figure things out. However, with work and everything going on at home, it’s not that easy to find time. I guess it’s a little comforting to think that it takes longer than 15 min. to sort out my life. But a day off isn’t coming until thanksgiving, so I’ll have to find time. I see a list in my future. Maybe this Saturday after grocery shopping. Instead of dishes I’ll try to plan our future. Ha!

Spring cleaning…six months late

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

This was a hard core cleaning weekend. I will say I get a sense of accomplishment when I scrub the bathroom from top to bottom. The kitchen stayed clean for about five minutes. But good food was made in it, so I can’t complain too much. Steelers won and I got paid on Friday. All in all a pretty good weekend. Now, I won’t see most of that money, but it’s ok.

I did get a lot sorted on my quilt. I bought the king size batting as it was on sale and the queen size was out of stock. I have apparently never seen a queen mattress and a king close together. I didn’t think they were that different. The king size batting is like 10′ x 10′. On our queen it touches the floor on three sides and would be up over our faces. It’s just too big. So I decided to cut the king to fit the size we wanted. So I trimmed it back to 8′ x 7′. I am hoping that will make it more manageable. At least I think I will have enough strips for the front now. I cut the corduroy for the back and I have a lot left over. So I think I will use it with the leftover batting to make something nice. I was actually thinking about a baby blanket. I could trim it in the blue corduroy like ours and then quilt it with a fun design as it will all be one fabric. We’ll see. But work continues.

Back to work tomorrow. After the threat of layoffs a few weeks ago, the place has been anything but quiet.  So it will be interesting to see if we can get some new contracts so we do not have to lose so many workers. I’m still hoping to have a job when it is over, but I am updating my resume just to be on the safe side. The last thing we need to for me to finally get pregnant and then find out I’ve lost my job and our insurance. That last sentence sure doesn’t make it easy to sleep at night. But my boss is staying positive, so I will trust him.

Entering week 7 of law school. D is doing much better this week. A little stressed about a research project, but really on top of his other work. Hopefully we can keep the momentum going throughout the rest of the semester. Although, I can start testing late next weekend and I am afraid that will start the stress cycle again. We see my parents in a few weeks and I would like to know before we see them. I know it sounds strange, but it will be easier not to tell them if I know. If we’re still unsure, then it will show all over my face. But if I have a definite answer I will be better. I’m trying not to get too excited this time. Last month was just such a let down. I have not been on any of my baby sites or anything. I’m not trying to find symptoms that aren’t there. But at the same time, this will be month three. Most couples get a positive within their first three months. And if this is negative, then the worry turns to, “is something wrong with us?”. I would really like to avoid that roller coaster of emotion. Wish us luck.

Tea Revolution

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

When my family moved to England my freshman year of high school, my mother converted to tea. Growing up I remember my parents drinking coffee on Sunday mornings and the smell throughout the house. When we returned from the United Kingdom, our began to smell of Earl Grey and my father’s coffee smell was drowned out. Tea is still the morning smell that wakes me every time I go to visit.

When I was around 16 we went to Easter brunch with my great-aunt Mary and great-uncle Jim. Jim and I always got to sit next to each other because we were the only left-handed people in the bunch. The waitress brought an extra cup of coffee, so Jim thought I need to start a healthy caffeine addiction. So he trained me into his formula of two creams, three sugars. I was hooked. All through college I was half alive until I got my coffee.  I can drink it all day and I am completely unphased by the caffeine. But the sugar and cream are not the best for my waistline. And with the pregnancy possibility, I wanted to try to reduce my need for coffee everyday.

So, this culminates with D starting law school and getting into tea. It started small, he would have a cup when he wanted to stay up and read. Then we started looking for some fruit teas for nighttime, no caffeine, usually sleepy time teas. Then we started drinking them in the morning instead of coffee. And now….now I hardly have coffee at work and I think we have two pots of tea at night after dinner while I sew and he studies. I have become a tea addict. I think we have something like ten different flavors of tea in our kitchen. There is less caffeine, which would be good for a baby, and without cream and excess sugar, also healthier. But I do feel a little old drinking tea. But I am definitely prepared if we move to the UK.

My mother would be so proud.