Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Focus on Friends

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

A co-worker invited me to his wedding today. I was surprised and really excited. D and I have been getting together with him and his fiance to play board games and have meals at each other’s homes a couple of times. So it was really nice to see that they liked us enough to give us an invite. D and I have not had the best of luck with friends. Each of our respective best friends from college actually live in the same city we do, yet they never make any attempt to spend time with us. And when we try to meet somewhere for an activity or a meal, it turns out with us spending money and cooking a meal ourselves and entertaining until all hours of the night. It is nice to have friends who appreciate the balance. In any case, we are really excited about the wedding and having friends who want to spend time with us.

I guess I didn’t realize how hard it would be to balance friends as an adult. Weekdays are crazy with chores and dinner in the evenings. And on the weekends I want to spend time with D. Especially now when he will have so little free time. It’s the friends that are worth making time for that I treasure.

I Just Cannot Win

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I am currently reading Day After Night by Anita Diamant. She wrote one my favorite works The Red Tent, a masterpiece if you have not had the privilege. This work, published in 2009, tells the story of four women who have survived the second world war and are trying to start over in Israel. And I realized something about myself as I read this book, even though I am hardly three chapters in. I attach myself emotionally to whatever I am doing and I judge myself based on interactions with others and their emotions. These women each have a story; full of struggle and loss. I’m not sure if it is self-pity, but I hate myself as I read their pasts because they make my life seem so jovial. I always feel like I complain too much whenever I read a good dramatic book or emotional movie/show. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling bad because everyone around me is overly happy, or feeling bad because my life isn’t as terrible as it has been for others. Quite a pathetic predicament.

However, keeping all that in mind, I think my depression has wained a lot in the last few months. The baby prep has helped, though my baby time clock has not made that easy. My self-confidence has not grown, but that’s probably because my waistline has. It’s just a constant balancing act. Not getting enough sleep makes it worse, but so does getting too much. Going clothes shopping is like pulling teeth, but our weekly grocery run is calming. I’m almost jealous of those with chemical depression as I feel like it would at least be more consistent. It’s really a two steps forward, one step back kind of deal.
Lately, my career, or lack of one has been the big issue. My job has nothing to do with either my undergraduate or graduate degrees. It’s frustrating trying to pay bills doing something you do not really want to do. And to tell you truth, I would not really mind my job, if it actually paid the bills. But the raise we were promised in April is still a long time coming, and with this one income we really struggle to support D and I, not to mention a child. It’s just frustrating, expecting life to be fair.

Sunday Activities

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Today was definitely a nine out of ten. I finished laundry and cleaned the kitchen all before noon. I made and froze four batches of palmeni and created this blog. All in all a pretty productive day. Sadly, that has not been the norm over the last few months. But, as D starts school tomorrow, I am going to have to pull more weight around here. Having him not working this summer has been a real joy, and I got a little bit too used to it. Dinner duty will be mine again, and while he is studying I am hoping to begin some new craft projects.

The other big change is that we have officially started trying for a baby. I promise not to be too gross on here, but I found lots of baby sites too depressing. We had a no luck on our first month, but I can pretend to be patient. I know it sounds crazy to have a child while D is in law school, but we are ready and I know we can make it work. But I feel like before we bring any bundles of joy into the world I need to sort a lot of myself out. I have fought with depression for about ten years and I have found I’m really getting tired of it. It sounds really cliche, but I hoping to find my happy place this year. I find myself scattered in several hobbies and interests. I’m trying to reign that in. My dreams of being a writer have been blown into too many ideas and directions. I am hoping to use these years of D’s education to find my own path to a future, not just of motherhood (not to demean its virtues), but also to personal happiness to make me a better wife, mother, and professional.

Chasing Me should be pretty obvious after the boring paragraph above (I’ll try not to do that too often). Chasing You refers to our first child. Not that I’ll be writing this in letter form to him or her. I actually have a journal for that. This blog is more about Chasing Me, I won’t be making you sick with tales of my morning sickness or worse. Only pretty things, I swear. And I welcome to take advice or comments about anything I write.