Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

My Protector

Why are you naked?

Are you complaining?

No, of course not. I just thought you said you were heading upstairs to get dressed. He walked over to brush my bare stomach. Grabbing our son’s school folder, he walked back over the counter.

I think I need to change to a white bra and I know I have a clean one down on the drying rack. I walked into the laundry room and chose one of the lacy white bras that I washed earlier that day. What are you doing? 

I’m just finishing up the paperwork for parent-teacher conferences. Did you decide where you want to go for dinner?

No….I thought you said you were doing paperwork. School folder abandoned, he was now back at my side rubbing my nipple piercings.

Wanna play? Of course, he already knew the answer, but I put on the innocent smile anyway. I started to squirm a bit away from him and he reached around to slap my ass. I giggled through a ‘No’ and started laughing. He reached for me again, but we were both stopped in our tracks by the barking.

Our dog, a ten year-old boxer rescue, is a very sweet thing. She is a daddy’s girl and I’ve often said that she would turn on me and the kids in an instant for him. However, his recent action would prove  me wrong. Her barking increased until he stepped away from me. As soon as there was space she got in-between us and turned to him. She continued barking as she sat on my feet.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Apparently her face was priceless as she stood her ground to ‘protect’ me. Even when he tried to assure her that it was okay, she refused to move. I bent down to tell her that I was okay. Even rubbing her belly and scratching her ears she kept her butt on my foot and wouldn’t let him get close.

It was the sweetest thing. And she eventually did forgive him his perceived abusive transgression. I think she’s been a little bit more attentive to me though. I would’ve have thought that in all our previous BDSM fun that she would have witnessed him hitting me before. So I don’t know if it was just context, or because I said ‘No’.

In any case, it was really funny. After we both realized that we had not emotionally scarred our dog, of course. I was just so impressed at her immediate reaction and the way she came to my aid; even if it wasn’t necessary. I’ll just have to remember never to take her to any play parties or the poor thing would have a conniption.

Shock and Awe

“You seem much calmer lately.”

“Honestly, I just don’t care anymore.”

I think my answer shocked us both, but I walked away before my mother-in-law could comment further.

I wasn’t shocked that I said it to her. She and I have always been direct with one another and I rarely hold back with her. It was more that what I had just shared was actually true.

Obviously, I want my children to be safe and happy, they need to have food and warm clothes. But they do. They have everything they need and rarely want for anything (except Legos and candy).

Outside my children, however, I am running on emotional empty. My new job is fine, except for my Devil wears Prada boss. My sex life is non-existent except for masturbation videos occasionally shared with my transcontinental lover. And our bank account dwindles while my husband talks about numerous things we can’t afford that he still wants.

I think my current solution seems to be to just emotionally shut down. I’m not saying that this is a good plan. In fact, it’s probably the worst plan, but I’m out of ideas. My doctor has increased my meds, but it will be a few weeks until I notice a difference. Everything I try to reach to make my husband and/or boss happy flies back in my face. So sex and job satisfaction have just disappeared from my to do list. I can function without them; other people do it all the time.

So for right now I’ll just walk around and pick up toys and ignore my bosses glares. I’ll try to lose too much empathy as I continue to shield myself from whatever this is. I just feel bad about complaining, so I don’t. We haven’t experienced a hurricane in Ohio and we still have our health insurance. It could be so much worse and me not having sex for months just doesn’t seem to make the cut. But I still feel the lowest I’ve ever been, and that’s not a pleasant thing for me.

On the positive side, I can still shock my mother-in-law.

ELust #99

Elust 99

Elust99 Exhibit A Header

Photo courtesy of Exhibit Unadorned

Welcome to Elust 99

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #100 Start with the rules, come back November 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Private Eyes
Brittle
Lust Highway

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

I love a man in a suit
Church Smells, Beliefs and Fornication

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

The House Next Door

 

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Feelings about bisexuality
On scheduling sex
Reasons I Didn’t Orgasm That Aren’t About You

Erotic Non-Fiction

Wet on the Washer
Smack
Alice Takes a Spanking
The GP – Part Two

Erotic Fiction

Rope Tattoo
Poseidon
Taking the Lead
Rites of Passage ~ Part 4
Home
Spanking Desires
How Could I Resist
Summer Smoke
Angel on My Shoulder

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Marks are Memories on the Skin
Him. His cane
Being Naked
A Prickly Situation
Collars in bdsm: Where did they come from?

Poetry

Secret
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Sex News ,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

“What Were You Wearing?”

 

Elust 88

Define Your Kink: Day 13

#13 –  Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, please!

Sexual availability is huge for me. I think it’s easily one by my biggest kinks. It was also my first kink realization. Being ready (shaved, wet, etc.) for my partner is a huge turn on. The idea that I am available for use, even when it may not be the most convenient for me is important too. Stopping in the middle of a round of dishes is more than worth my Dom getting their desires.

I think, for me, it all boils down to being craved. The idea that they have to have me right now. They can’t wait another minute. The idea that I could make someone feel that way is so amazing. Even if I weren’t eager for sex before, the idea that my Dom couldn’t stand to wait another moment to use me would certainly have me wet post haste.

The reality that I would be that attractive to someone is, I’ll admit, somewhat difficult for me to believe. But trusting someone to be my Dom and take care of me would mean putting my trust in them. That would include believing them. So if they wanted to use me, I would have to believe that it was because they were truly attracted to me. Not an easy thing for me to accept, but it’s always been something that I’ve wanted to work on within the safety of a D/s dynamic.

I’m not looking for D/s or kink to magically fix my self-esteem issues, but sexual availability would certainly force me to deal with several aspects of my poor self-image. I don’t want it to seem like I’m looking for a Dom to fix me (not holding my breath there), but I would appreciate help in working on my flaws.

As far as limits go, I guess just within the hard limits that our relationship includes. I have two kids, so there may be some instances where their care would have to come before sex. My availability couldn’t threaten my job either. But in general, common sense terms I would happily be available whenever our dynamic is active.

Check out my 30 Days of Kink to read my previous answers and those who are writing along.

Rope Tattoo

He had a tattoo. It was one of the first things I noticed about him. Honestly, it’s the first thing I notice about most people. But there was something that caught my eye from across the room.

Rope. It was so close to my lace that I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It weaved around his arm in this interesting pattern. There were even items and symbols within it that I couldn’t make out from across the room, just like my cameo pieces. No wonder he wore a sleeveless shirt under this suit jacket.

All the Doms finished hanging up their jackets and began mingling around the bar getting drinks. I stood with the other subs as we finished removing our clothes. Some collared subs walked back over to their Doms for direction; one woman crawled. Those of us without a partner sat together. We chatted about how good the dinner was, and what new sex blogs we’re reading. It was nice to sit and chat with them, but I kept an eye on the tattooed Dom.

He didn’t appear to have a sub, the was sitting with a few other guys at the bar. I kept watching him and telling myself to go talk to him. My confidence just wasn’t letting me get out of the chair. One of the other subs saw me staring and encouraged me to at least go say ‘hi’. She didn’t recognize him as a regular. I told her that I really like his tattoo; she told me that that was a good start. I felt like a teenager wanting to tell a boy I liked him.

I’m sure it was because I was staring, but one of the Doms he was sitting with noticed me and pointed me out. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I thought about crawling, like the one earlier sub, but I thought that would be a bit too much for an initial meeting. So I set my drink down (luckily just water as I’m sure alcohol would have made me even more nervous) and walked over to the bar. He had turned toward me when the Dom pointed out my staring, but I still bowed my head as I approached.

“Hello. My name is Rye. I really like your tattoo.”

“Hello Rye. My name is Stephen. I like your tattoo as well. Is that why you were watching me?” I was pretty sure the shade of red that my face turned was evidence enough, but nodded anyway. He smiled. “Would you like to come sit with us Rye? We were actually just talking about Master/slave tattoos.”

I smiled and knelt down on the floor. If I’m honest, about half out of respect and half because there wasn’t an empty chair. Stephen smiled at my gesture and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. It was very sweet and I could feel nervousness subside a bit. The conversation quickly returned to lock and key tattoos. I just sat and listened for awhile, but when Stephen asked my opinion I had an answer ready.

“Kink tattoos in general really appeal to me. I have a tattoo that represents my submission as a whole, but I would be hesitant to get a name, kink or otherwise, tattooed on me. I prefer symbols to represent a person or relationship, rather than a name. You can remember a period in your life for it’s good points, but sometimes a name can carry a negative weight.”

“See Stephen, if you were smart like her you wouldn’t have had to get that huge cover up on your arm to remove your ex-wife’s name.” A few of the other Doms chuckled and my eyes went wide. I was so afraid that I had offended him with my opinionated mouth. I sighed at my own stupidity and waited to be sent back to my sub’s table.

Instead, Stephen reached down and rubbed my shoulder. When I looked up he nodded to let me know he wasn’t mad. He traced one of my larger cameos and followed the lace down my arm.

“Rye, would you like to get a drink and private table with me?”

Considering that I thought I had just offended him, I balked for a brief moment. His face was so kind, however, that that concern vanished quickly. “That would be wonderful. Could I have a cream soda please, I have to drive home?”

Stephen ordered our drinks, helped me up, and led me to an empty table across the room.

“I didn’t even know they had cream soda here.” He said as he pulled out a chair to let me know that I didn’t have to kneel on the floor.

“Yeah, they get it from a local brewery that also makes a root beer. It’s quite good. One of the bartenders recommended it when I said I was tired of being the DD who always got diet pepsi, now it’s all I order.”

“Sounds like you could teach me a lot of the hidden gems of this place. How long have you been coming here?”

“About three years. A previous partner brought me for demo sessions, but when he moved on and stopped coming I stayed. I like the community here.”

“I’ve been coming to Dom meetings here for a few months, but this is my first member dinner.”

“Well, I hope you’ll keep coming. Assuming, of course, I stop making a fool of myself with my comments and opinions.”

“Don’t even worry about it. It was my own fault for getting her name tattooed on me in the first place. It was supposed to be a surprise for her and she hated it. Guess I should have know then.”

“Whoever did your cover-up did a great job. It looks amazing. I have a huge thing for rope, so it caught my eye immediately.”

“You don’t say. Well, you should see some of my other tattoos.” He leaned back in his chair and took a drink.

“Yes, please.” I grinned as he smiled at me. A jolt of excitement and nervousness ran through me. I set my drink down on the table as my hands were starting to shake a bit.

I really wish I had asked for something a bit stronger than cream soda.

To be continued…

See what others are writing about tattoos this week by clicking below.

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

The Largest

I really don’t want to admit this to myself. So I’m going to write it here so I can’t escape this truth. I currently weigh the most I have ever weighed. At this moment I weigh in at 207lbs/93.89kg. That’s more than when I was pregnant with either of my kids. Which sounds bad, I know, but I was sick for most of both pregnancies, so they don’t really count. I actually lost weight with my second one. And I was back to my pre-baby weight before I even left the hospital either time. It sounds nice, but it was actually horrible.

Anyway, the concern is that I’m overweight now.

A lot of it is residual stress. The old job got me about twenty of these pounds in the last year. Then lack of good sleep, stress with money, and lack of sex aren’t helping either. But more than that, I’m just not taking good care of myself. I’m not eating well. And my exercise regimes have disappeared. My flexibility and endurance have worsened as well. I’m just turning into a blob.

And that’s just not good enough.

I mean, how can I really enjoy sex if I’m only focusing on how unhappy my body makes me? And, in a much less selfish way, I have two kids to watch grow up. I have to get back into shape and start making better food choices. I bought my wonder woman water bottle and have been trying to drink more water to stay hydrated (ignore the fact that I left it at home yesterday). But, obviously water isn’t enough on it’s own.

Fern (@Ferns_) is doing an #fwocrew workout tracking week this week. My goal is three. And I’ve only got until Sunday to fit them in. It sounds easy, and it probably should be, but I have a feeling it’s going to be tough to set aside the time. Usually I have some time in the mornings. The boys are often up though, and constantly in need of something (milk, apple, cartoons). It’s difficult to get into a good rhythm when you are constantly being interrupted.

So I have a lot of mini-goals as I try to tackle this weight. But until I can get the water and exercise into a more consistent pattern I don’t want to add too much more. Eventually I want to get back to calorie counting and maybe look at a step counter. Since my last one broke a replacement hasn’t been in the cards. That may end up on the Christmas list.

I just can’t keep this slow creep upwards in weight. My clothes are getting a bit too tight for comfort and my lack of energy is really getting to me. And, as much as I would love to blame my husband’s low sex drive solely on him; it’s not like I’ve been making a good effort either. I don’t expect that losing twenty pounds will suddenly make him want to sleep with me again. But taking care of myself is my best shot to stay in a good place for him.

The next few months will be a bit rough. But I need to do this for me as much as for my family, Dom, lover, and all those who care about me. I deserve to be healthy; even if I have to be my own worst enemy to do it.*

*There is nothing wrong with being healthy. I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s some great hardship. I just have an unnatural love of mayonnaise, ranch dressing, and fried foods. It’s more learning how to deny myself, which, as a self-spoiled little, it no easy task.

Define Your Kink: Day 12

#12 – Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

I do not include any financial aspects as part of my submission. If anything, I’m a sucker for a gift. A lot of that could be ignorance. I don’t know too much about the basics of financial submission.

One of the big reasons I’ve always shied away from it is the simple fact that I don’t have money. I have to pay my mortgage and buy food for a house full of boys; my birthday money this year went to pay my electric bill. It’s not glamorous, but it’s my life.

I would love to be able to buy gifts for Sir. I always enjoy making people smile with a thoughtful present to lift their day. If you know those people who remember something you said that you really wanted and give it to you months later; that’s me. Christmas tends to be a stressful time for me; not because I lack ideas, but that I lack the funds to really get everyone what I would love to give them.

I’m not sure that really falls under the umbrella as financial dominance though. And I think that just me calling it financial dominance rather than financial submission just highlights my ignorance of it. Like I’m trying to distance myself from it in every possible way. I wouldn’t mind learning about it as part of general kink research, but I think at the same time I’m afraid of it.

Over the last year I’ve started to become more and more fearful of new kinks. Not out of judgment or disgust, but out of the reality that I may never get to experience them. I am afraid that if I delve into something new that I’ll love it and want to try it. My long-distance Dom is balancing two submissives, so adding all sorts of new kinks isn’t really an option. And my husband has completely walked away from kink. I see finances as complicated in a basic, every day context. Trying to engage him with D/s in something that can already be overwhelming doesn’t seem like a smart idea.

The fact that I have had a tight budget throughout my life makes financial submission a hard thing for me to grasp. While the idea of gift giving is a real joy, I’m pretty sure the kink goes much deeper than that. And aside from my amazon wish list I think I would just be out of my depth.

Check out my other 30 Days of Kink and consider answering them yourself.

Pulling Back

So I’ve started masturbating about 3-4 times a week lately. Some sessions are better than others. The other night I probably could have squirted had I pushed myself. But I often pull back from really letting go. Not sure what sort of insecurity that’s pulling from, but it always catches me. Maybe I just feel like I don’t deserve it. Or just the idea of letting go like that on my own doesn’t feel right. Like I need to have permission, or I need someone else to ground me.

I guess if I’m honest with myself it’s about trust. I have to believe that it’s okay to actually enjoy myself rather than just looking for a quick orgasm so I can sleep. Something to take the edge off. Not necessarily something that I would actually enjoy.

Do you pull yourself back when you’re on your own?

Hug those you Love

Sorry for the absence lately. We had an unexpected death in the family and it’s been hectic. Part of the issue, with the emotional loss being obvious, is that my uncle passed away in south Florida. So we can’t get down there. Funeral arrangements are on hold until the hurricane has passed and damage has been assessed. Hopefully we can get things sorted out, though I don’t see me going down for the funeral. A new job and a very limited budget don’t really allow for flights. And I honestly don’t want to think about the price of tickets over the next few weeks anyway.

I hope to get back to writing soon. I actually have a few new thoughts and pieces brewing in my head. Take care and hug those you love.

Define Your Kink: Day 11

#11 – Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

“What Service Means to Me” – a report by Rye

Sorry, I know that sounds bratty, but that’s the first thing that popped in my head.

I think part of my initial reaction to this question is my frustration with the first sentence. Expectations are what got me into this mess. Walking into a new D/s relationship with all manner of expectations when I (and my partner) knew little to nothing about what we were really getting into. But my own ‘research’ of reading BDSM romance novels and sex blogs also gave me an unrealistic idea of what I should be experiencing. Fantasies of having my body used as a footrest or cleaning the house in a maids outfit filled my head. And while we did attempt these activities (once, but there are photos), it never really worked out.

I do consider that service is large part of what draws me to submission. Helping to make my partner/dominant more comfortable always makes me happy. The idea of having that activity monitored and/or ordered makes me even happier. Just thinking about completing a task given to me to make someone else’s day more relaxing makes me gooey. And obviously feeling gooey is nice. But there is just a certain satisfaction about completing something that you know someone appreciates. When I do dishes and no one cares it’s hard to stay motivated. However, if someone is checking my work or asking if I completed something, I know they are interested and invested.

As far as service in general, I define it as an activity, either ordered or not, to better the surroundings or life of my Sir. This can include anything from rubbing his feet to make sure the kid’s are quiet. Giving him quiet time to be alone up to and including making sure my body is always ready for his use.

I do love being ready for use 🙂

Check out my other Define Your Kink questions here.