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#9 – Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
Yes, yes, yes, and giddy.
I love structure. I like to know the expectations of my Sir and work my hardest to exceed each one. The consistency that comes with rules and limits is my happy place.
When my husband and I tried D/s I think that I expected structure. I didn’t communicate this well; I’m not sure I knew what I wanted then. I wanted follow up for rules and tasks and couldn’t really verbalize that in a way that he understood. So instead I would pout and neither of us would have a good time.
Looking back I’ve realized that that what’s was missing for me. There were no limits. I was rarely, if ever, told no. And I think it made things harder for me. I never felt like I was led. Like he was actually looking out for me and instead just placating what he thought I wanted. When really, I just wanted him to take me in hand. To help me lose weight and be healthy and happy because that’s what he wanted for me.
I would love someone to help me help myself. It’s hard for me to make distinctions sometimes with that I need rather than what I want. I am often led by my emotions and that isn’t always best. That’s why I think I would do better with those strict rules and expectations. Part of my issue, I think, is that my expectations of myself are too high. I hold myself to an unrealistic standard which generally means that I’m always beating myself up for not doing better. So the idea that someone would be willing to take on that for me seems blissful.
I’m 32. I know, that’s not really that old, but I am feeling my age today. Mostly the adult part.
I was really hurt yesterday that my husband didn’t say ‘happy birthday’ in the morning. He didn’t say it when we messaged back and forth while I was work. He didn’t say it until I had gone up to pout in our room when I got home from work. I know, it makes me sound like a four year old, but I don’t care. No one at my office knew it was my birthday, and I wasn’t going to shout it from the rooftops. So as far as work was concerned it was just another day.
And I should have been okay with that. I don’t really like attention from people I don’t know. Private attention from Sir, a lover, or a friend is fine, but I don’t like being a public spectacle. However, as the day wore on, I could feel myself starting to dip. It may have just been that the husband remained silent, but by the time I got home I was a mess. I don’t know why it affected me so much.
I think I had just hoped for a bit more attention at home. The boys had made me a card and my husband had baked a cake on Sunday. It was lovely, and the gifts they bought were very nice. Maybe I just needed a hug.
But, now I am 32. Fretting about things I cannot change won’t help me move forward. And it’s not like I had a terrible birthday. Lovely people wished me a happy day and the fact that they thought of me was special. Now to finish out these last few weeks at my job and start at a place where I’m not self-conscious sharing my birthday with my co-workers.
Since my husband and I have stopped all our BDSM play last fall, it’s been tough for me. I have been feeling like my submissive side has been forced back down. It has really affected me on an emotional and physical level. My depression has worsened, I have gained weight, and my motivation to write has faded.
Luckily, I have several wonderful friends on twitter who have helped me to stay focused on my submission in other ways. I won’t say that I’m 100% through it, but I am a lot better than I was earlier this year.
One of those who took an interest and really listened to me was John Brownstone (@SouthernSirsPl). As one of those who has direct experience with my situation, he brought a unique perspective. His patience and understanding led me to do something I never thought I would have the strength to do. I asked him to be my dominant. We both have primary partners, and he has a primary sub (the lovely Kayla Lords). But we’ve both dipped into poly a bit and he graciously accepted.
Obviously, as we live several states away (and sadly, there are no current trips planned) this is a distance relationship. Even so, he helped me to identify goals with my writing and my self-esteem. I have a morning mantra and writing goals (before my recent hiatus from the blog at least). But more than that, he listens. As I processed this new job. As I’ve vented about my conservative co-workers, my sexual frustrations, and my sleep deprivation. His support has been amazing. Always with a guiding hand and a positive frame of mind.
I like to think that I’ve helped be there for him during a few tough spots too. And I was excited to send him a birthday gift (though it was a week late getting to him). We both have a great love of coffee and enjoy talking about random things.
I think someday it would great to meet him in person. If funding works out we talked about Eroticon next year. That may be a big ask for my wallet, but we’ll see. We would both enjoy living out some Sado-Masochistic fantasies together. Some of the canes he’s created have literally made my ass twitch with excitement.
As much as I consider myself a little, I don’t refer to John Brownstone as ‘daddy’. He is my Sir. And typing those four words have made me happier than I have been in a long time. Thank you Sir.
Since discovering my submissive side, I find that I look at nearly all social interactions with a D/s filter. Often this ends up being creepy as I deal with my kids’ doctors and/or family members. But, sometimes it works so perfectly that I can’t let it go. Most recently this has been my relationship with my boss.
She is a slender, attractive, no nonsense leader who is very set in her ways. She expects perfection and sighs heavily at ineptitude. In many senses, we were perfect for one another.
However, there are a few things that I’ve learned about leadership styles and what I respond to in a boss and/or a dom. Communication is huge. Understanding what is expected of me is vital. If I don’t understand what my boss dom wants then my uncertainty takes over. I question tasks and jobs that I was once comfortable with. My self-worth plummets as I scramble to find purpose. I find I also need at least occasional positive reinforcement. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but even a kind word now and then goes a long way. These moments get me through my anxious periods.
This translates pretty directly for me from a dominant to a boss. My current supervisor only communicates through email. Her office is less than five feet from my desk. But, if I have a question or need something, the only response I get is “can you put it in an email?”. And then, when I do email, it takes an eternity to hear back. It is annoying to put it mildly. All I need sometimes is five minutes, or less, to explain a situation and get an answer. I understand when specific case questions come up. These require greater review and more time to consider all the facts. But procedural questions should be consistent from case to case. And there is something about her actually listening to me with interest and respect that is appreciated, even if she doesn’t know the answer right away.
The idea of positive reinforcement would also be nice. Responses to my email questions, when I do eventually get them, are usually one sentence. Occasionally even just a word or phrase. It’s so disheartening to write several paragraphs of explanation to only receive a phrase response. The only other communications I get are emails when I do something wrong. Again, usually a phrase. And there is something in my brain that always reads those emails in a yelling, sarcastic, disappointed tone. I think if all I ever received from my dom were disappointed emails my self-esteem would evaporate. Like getting a text after a blow job that just said, ‘meh’.
So, my boss dom and I are going to part ways. I have been offered a job with a local college. It’s slightly less money, but the growth potential is much higher. And, I actually feel like I fit with this office. Everyone seems to be very positive about the work they do and their support of one another. When I met with the other staff in the office they all commented on the supervisor’s leadership skills. And something happened in my interview that I had never had happen before. One of the questions they asked was, “Our office can become stressful at times. What do you do for self-care?”. I have never had an employer give a crap about my stress level. But they were genuinely interested in my activities and methods to combat stress. It was so refreshing.
This month of transition will be a little tough. But I do believe that my relationship with my new boss will be much healthier and more positive for me. Maybe I don’t need a boss dom anymore and I can just let my dom do what he does best.
#8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
The short answer is: yes.
In my previous dynamic with my husband we incorporated spanking as a punishment. This was done with bare hands, belts, whips, and canes. Usually this would part of a larger scene, but on occasion was done for specific infractions.
I found that my success rate with it largely depended on what happened afterward. I know that seems silly, but it always had the largest impact (pun intended) when there was solid aftercare. If it was merely an explanation of what I did wrong, several spankings, and being sent on my way, I faultered. The spanking wasn’t enough of a ‘punishment’, as odd as that may sound. I would continue to beat myself up (figuratively) about my mistake. If, when he thought I had been properly corrected, told me that I was still a ‘good girl’, and that I was forgiven, then I responded better.
My current dynamic with my Sir has only been long distance. He and I haven’t had the situation arise where punishment has been necessary. And, as much as I would love to keep it that way, I’m sure it will need to be discussed at some point. He and I have largely looked at spanking as a form of play, not punishment. But I know it’s something he practices with his primary sub, so I’m sure it will feature in our relationship in some form.
Check out the other Define your Kink questions and answers that I have done do far!
I really wanted to write. I have missed this space and all the supportive, wonderful people who come and read. I have missed the inspiration to write about sex I’ve had and fantasies for the future. Writing about BDSM and how, even though dynamics have changed, it’s a huge part of my life. But life happens.
Instead I cried at my computer to my Dom. He patiently listened and wrote back in his supportive way. He told me I wasn’t a failure and I balled. He told me he cared about me and I balled. It was largely me crying and him telling me that it was going to be alright.
Sadly, not that inspiring. But I’m getting there. This is the first time in awhile I’ve really been pulled to write. I miss what this blog gives me.
So hopefully this is my comeback. After two months off I need to get my sexy juices flowing again (in more ways than one). Thank you for being patient while I work through the random shit that is my vanilla life. But I don’t think that I want to be away anymore. No matter what is going on I need this safe space to just be me.
My husband and I haven’t had sex in weeks. He fingered me a few weeks ago. I gave him a blow job and a hand job last weekend. Yesterday he rubbed my thigh. This is the extent of the physical interaction we’ve had lately.
I’m trying to take a step back and keep perspective. Sex isn’t everything. He and I get along great and enjoy spending time together. I wish that was enough.
It’s not like this was a sudden thing. He has been losing interest in me sexually since I was pregnant with our second child. Ever since then he hasn’t really want to initiate sex. And now he says that it’s because I always seemed disappointed in sex. Like he was never good enough. But that’s an oversimplification. His desire of me began fading a long time ago. And his refusal to take responsibility for his part in this is probably what bothers me the most.
His ‘explanation’ makes my submission the root of the problem. But it’s not actually the issue. My submission merely explains my need for attention and my dislike of asking for sex. I don’t even feel like my personality has even changed, it only makes more sense to me. My sex drive has increased, but I’ve also tried really hard not to pressure him with that.
Obviously this is all from my perspective. But I feel like I have tried everything I can think of to make him more comfortable. I’ve worked to seduce him. I have purchased gifts, preformed acts of service, even worked to ignore all my needs to put his first. And I thought if I could just do that until he was out of his funk, that things would become better. But it hasn’t worked.
He’s still so distant from me and I’ve pushed down so much of myself. I tried to masturbate the other day and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t get turned on enough to get anywhere. It was soul-crushing.
Needless to say I don’t think celibacy is for me. Though I’m not sure I have much control over it.
I wrote the above yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon I went upstairs to try and masturbate. My husband came up and fucked me with a dildo while I rode the Doxy. It was amazing. It’s this type of thing that keeps me in constant confusion. But at the same time, if opposite day is going to work with my post drafts then prepare to be inundated.