Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

A Ghostly Moan

“Is someone there?” Alice looked around. She hoped that no one would answer. It had been a long day and the idea of lounging on the couch naked and unwinding to some porn sounded lovely. After another beat of silence Alice decided the coast was clear. Her purse hit the counter as she quickly unbuttoned her pants and walked into the living room. Suzanne and Mattie were supposed to be working late, but she double checked that the front door was locked, just in case. A few extra seconds warning was better than nothing; not that she was ashamed, but no point making things more awkward than necessary.

Alice ran to her room and grabbed her favorite toy and a DVD she hadn’t watched in ages. She stopped for a towel in the hall closet and popped the DVD in on her way to the couch. Laying out the towel to save any uncomfortable explanations later, she laid down on it and waited for the movie menu.

It was an old porno that she has bought from one of those Lion’s Den roadside rests on a dare in college. Everyone else on the road-trip probably assumed she had thrown it away. But it had, instead, become one of her favorites. She would fully admit to it being cheesy, gratuitous lesbian porn. Made for men, obviously. However, the girls were hot and watching women go down on each other is always amazing.

Pressing play Alice lay back against the cushion and grabbed her trusty vibrator. Trying to ease herself in she just rubbed her clit with it turned off as she watched the horrible opening dialogue.

Then she heard a notice behind her. She quickly turned off the movie and hid the vibrator behind her thigh.  Laying in silence she waited for someone to walk in, but no one came. Alice chalked it up to hearing things; she really was too tense these days.

Quickly turning the porn back on she lost patience with herself. She wanted to enjoy herself, but that wasn’t going to happen until she had at least one orgasm and could fully relax. Grabbing the vibrator she turned it on it’s medium setting and began rubbing her outer lips. The women in the film were moaning now and so was she. She was practically dripping when she started moving the dildo in and out of her cunt. For her it wasn’t really about the penetration, it was about hitting her entrance and clit at the same time. Soon she found a good rhythm and came hard. Her moans drowned out those of the blond on the tv as the week’s stress was finally released.

After she stopped twitching Alice turned the vibrator speed to low and just watched the two women suckle each other’s nipples. She knew she wanted another, and watching this would certainly help. Closing her eyes for a moment she sunk even more into the soft couch. Then a low moan made her open her eyes. Neither of women’s voices were that deep. Where did it come from?

She paused the video again and only heard silence. These odd interruptions were disrupting her masturbation time and she wasn’t at all pleased. Getting up, she walked naked into the kitchen, swinging her vibrator (still on, by the way) in her hand. Silence filled the kitchen as she got a glass of water and wandered back into the living room. The DVD had paused in an amazing freeze frame of a tongue mid-lick of a plump pink clit. It was so arousing Alice didn’t even press play. Instead, she lay back down and used her one hand on her nipple along with the vibrator. The photo alone was enough to bring her her second orgasm.

Alice lay on the couch; a puddle of relaxed and happy goo. She considered going for a third, but wanted to enjoy the endorphins for a bit first. Then she heard another moan followed by a thump. She shot up on the couch, but nothing had fallen or was out of place.

Alice growled. She refused to get freaked out over nothing. Hitting play again she returned to her nipple and clit. This time she turned the vibrator to it’s highest setting. Before things got any freakier she was going to try and shatter herself. Thrusting the vibrator in deep and then slowly pulling it out across her lips to her clit she was soon a quivering mess. Again she thought she heard another moan, but she pushed through with determination toward her orgasm. Watching the two women sixty-nine each other was going to put her over the edge. She put the vibrator against her clit and pushed hard while pinching her nipple until it hurt. All three women moaned together, but Alice was only one to shatter. She squirted all over the towel as she came in waves against the vibrator.

The women in the film kept at it, but Alice was spent. She lay in a gooey mass on the couch for several minutes until the calm was firmly cemented into her brain. When she got up the towel was soaked as well as a few drops that had escaped it’s coverage. Giving the couch a quick wipe with a dry part of the towel, she hoped it would dry before anyone would notice.

Walking toward her room to put the towel in the hamper and throw on some grunge clothes she stepped on something sticky. When she rubbed her foot and smelled her hand in an effort to determine the substance it smelled like cum. Not from her, but from a man. Her knowledge and experience with semen was limited, but she was nearly positive that was what this was. However, for it to be this ‘fresh’ the owner of said semen would had to been in the house quiet recently.

Once in her room, Alice put on a cami and some panties. She heard her phone ring in the living room and ran to catch it. It was just a notification of a text message from Becca.

Hey Slut! Did you get some release this afternoon?

Yeah, very much needed squirty orgasms 🙂

Not sure a needed to know that, but yeah!

Are you busy? Could you come over?

I don’t want to see your squirty orgasms. But yeah, let me drop off the shopping and I’ll over. What’s wrong?

I think a male ghost jerked off to me masturbating.

….I’ll bring wine

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Lost in a Daydream

I had a daydream while I was in the shower. I was scrubbing off the day’s workout and when I rinsed off the soap my tattoo sleeve began to come off. At first I thought it was just dirt from cleaning at the house. However, I soon realized it was actually the ink running. I checked my other tattoos, but it was only my sleeve that was coming off. And not just a little bit, but most of the lace was already gone. Panicking, I tried to shield my arm from the water stream. I jumped from the shower and dried my arm to stem the loss. However, when I removed the towel there was little remaining of a piece that took over ten hours of tattooing and cost a lot of money.

Daydream may have been a bit of a misnomer. More like a nightmare that I was awake for. I zone out in the shower and jolted moments later with this stuck in my head. I clutched my arm for the rest of my shower and rushed rinsing my hair. I still can’t shake the feeling I had.

When I was still in therapy, I talked about dreams a lot. My therapist always wanted to break down my dreams as a part of how I was process stress. Some of them while I was pregnant were quite interesting. It was occasionally hokey, but most of it was quite helpful. And, even though this was a daydream, I used the same techniques to try and process it.

I feel like I am losing myself. Like my identity is being stripped just like the ink on my arm. Now I am worried that I am even more lost than I thought. My head has me to tied in knots that I don’t feel like myself. So much so, that my brain is removing my most personal tattoo like it were magic marker. Maybe it’s time to head back to therapy. Or just a few touch-ups on my sleeve to ensure it’s really on there. I know which would be more painful.

Define Your Kink: Day 5

#5 – Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different?

Sorry for such a long gap between #4 and #5. I’ve sort of been avoiding answering this question. I considered skipping over it and coming back, but that would be a cop-out to the process. I think it’s just the reality of my answer.

I have been in three D/s dynamics. Two one day experiences that were negative for very different reasons, and one long-term. Each taught me something in their own way, but for a variety of reasons none of them worked. That’s a hard thing to admit, that I haven’t been successful. And it’s easy for me to say that as I was the only common denominator in these experiences that I must be the problem. This isn’t the case, there were all sorts of factors. Sometimes it’s easy to fall into that self-destructive trap though.

Twitter Guy

When my husband and I were considering opening things up to others, I started chatting with several Doms online. Mostly in a friendly context to learn about their relationships and how they structure their rules. There was often flirting, and there were a few conversations about taking it further. The only one of those conversations that didn’t fizzle out was a gentleman who also lived here in Ohio. The idea of having another Dominant close by was very enticing. We chatted a lot and seem to have similar kinks and boundaries.

Then one day we decided to try and online scene. I sent him a few pictures and was even punished for forgeting a ‘Yes, Sir’ in a response. After the interaction we were talking and he told me not to tell my husband about it. The moment killed any good feelings I had. I told my husband and stopped talking with the Dom. It was difficult as I felt horrible. He genuinely seemed like a nice guy.

May Visit

Once we got settled in the new house, I started reaching out to try and find local Doms. We had made friends with a few couples on Fetlife, but each of us had branched out to locate individual partners. I started talking with a Dom about a few kinks and the possibility of getting together. He wanted a regular sub and respected my husband’s boundaries, which was nice. I should have listened to my intuition regarding the fact that we had little in common outside of BDSM. None of my vanilla relationships have worked when we didn’t have anything in common; I should have realized that D/s would be the same.

In May of 2016 he came over to the house. It wasn’t a great memory, but I did learn a lot about my limits. I haven’t been with another Dom since. Trust is so vital to what I am looking for in a Dom, I’ll never jump into that dynamic again.

Husband, Father, Friend (too many posts to link)

My husband and I have been through a lot together. Ten years of graduations (four in total), moves (six of those), and two crazy kids. He jumped right in when I discovered I am kinky and gave it 100%. I really appreciate his effort in trying to be what he thought I wanted. But, as a submissive, pleasing my partner was about what they wanted, not what they were doing for me. There was always this feeling of me forcing him to do things and never being able to relax in the moment. I was always worried that he was unhappy and unsatisfied. We were both trying so hard to make the other happy that neither of us were.

As difficult as this has been to lose our D/s, it has helped us communicate. We talk more openly and honestly than we ever did before BDSM. And while loosing my collar was painful, at least I’m not worried about ruining my marriage.

At this point is just figuring out how to move forward. I have a Dominant friend that currently chat with on Twitter. He’s the only Dom that I’ve felt comfortable with since my last negative online experience. He’s not local, so I’m not sure what it could ever be. Maybe a few visits a year, like Jack in California. Not sure I could handle two long-distance relationships emotionally, but we’ll see what happens. I do know that D/s in some form needs to be part of my life.

Check out my Define your Kink page to see the other questions I’ve completed and what I have left.

Taking Positive Steps, Skips, and Jumps

I remember at time when I was pretty positive I was asexual. I not only didn’t feel attractive, but I didn’t think that my attractions to others were normal either. It was difficult for me to think positively about sex or relationships, and that led to several bad choices and hurt feelings. I wish I could say this was a singular occurrence, but I often look at my writing aspirations the same way. I tend to write in an odd voice and cadence (much how I speak) and that’s not for everyone. Funnily enough, I would describe my current sex drive and tastes the same way; odd, and not for everyone.

Recalling those times and feelings is painful. Only in the last few years have I really started to feel like a sexual person. I enjoyed intimacy with my husband, but it certainly wasn’t something I craved. Now I have a completely different prospective to what sex can offer me as an individual and to my relationships. And I think that that has, in turn, affected my writing in a positive way.
As I gain more confidence in my sexual and writing life, I’ve started to step out and move away from the negative and painful memories. My polyamory has been a big step towards that. It’s not always easy (I’m sure there will be lots more Poly Problem posts), but it has show me my own strength. Even just the idea that I am allowed to have needs in my sexual relationships has been quite freeing.
My writing is seeing a growth as well. I don’t always get the time to focus on it as much as I would like. Family, full-time job, and my depression take over from time to time. But I have taken some steps to improve that. And, I’m even starting to recognize and accept my own talent. I started a Patreon account this week. It’s nothing that I would have ever considered a few years ago. I never would have had the confidence to ask people to pay for my work. The idea of selling myself like that was hard to wrap my head around, and I thought about it for awhile before deciding it was the right move. The money could allow me to advance my writing and continue to make steps towards publishing. The idea of being a full-time writer may not be in my future, but still consider this a positive step.
As much as the recollection of my past is difficult, it continues to strengthen my resolve. The idea of ever being ashamed of my sexuality or interest in writing erotica again has faded. And hopefully my patreon will do well and I can continue to grow in both my sexual and writing experiences.
In other words, you’re stuck with me for awhile 🙂

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

Poly Problem #4: The First Someone Else

There will come a time in any poly relationship when your partner will have sex with someone else. If this is a surprise to you, stop and call for immediate assistance. If they are married, then as a secondary partner, it’s pretty obvious they are probably already sleeping with their spouse (not always, but that’s another issue). But, some poly relationships are more fluid than just a primary and secondary partner. People may come and go to meet purely physical and/or emotional needs. And, as long as all parties agree and understand the perimeters, then everything is spiffy.

So Jack messaged me the other day that he was going to be seeing someone next week. I believe, as far as I know anyway, that this is the only person other than his wife that he’s slept with since he saw me last. I’m not sure why that matters, but it seemed to stick in my head as I was letting this information wash over me. I appreciated his honesty. He was letting me know that he would be a bit absent online for a few days. It was sweet, honestly. And it was much better than if I would have found out after the fact through a tweet or picture that I wasn’t prepared for.

However, me being the mess of a human being that I am, I didn’t take it so well. I tried to keep my responses light and positive in our DMs. Luckily, I was heading to bed anyway, so I cut the conversation a bit short. But my husband could see right through me, and when he asked me what was wrong, I broke. The stress of everything else had been on a precipice last week and that was just the tipping point. In practically any other situation, in any other week, I probably could have worked through it as a small bit of jealousy. Not last week.

Instead I pulled out all the stops on my low self-esteem pity party. I wasn’t enough; I lived too far away. I immediately started questioning if a long-distance relationship like this was worth it. And as soon as the husband suggested maybe finding someone else local I realized that because of our jobs I can’t do local. And, in my opinion more importantly, I didn’t want to. I really care about Jack. I don’t know that I want to wait for that to ‘just happen’ again. Who knows if it would.

It was a rough night. I cried so hard my husband had to put a nose strip on my face so I could breathe. He was very sweet. And I know that Jack had not intended to hurt me in any way. I obviously just wasn’t prepared for him to have other partners besides myself and Jill. Not sure why, but I really hadn’t prepared for something that should have been obvious.

My Advice (such as it is):

Don’t do what I did. Something that I should have seen coming and been ready for completely took me off guard. And because of my attempts to escape reality it was forced upon me at a bad time. It’s not that I shouldn’t have been hurt. My feelings are my own and I accept them. I am an emotional person and I fall hard for partners. However, I should have processed this reality before it happened so it wouldn’t hit me quite as hard. And, if I could see that my reaction would have been worse than this, maybe that would have caused me to rethink ever starting this relationship. What could have been dealt with as a pang of jealousy was instead was a melt down. It wasn’t fun.

Do what he did. Jack has always been open and honest about his expectations and what he can offer me at any point during our times apart. And he respected me enough to let me know before hand that he would be off his phone a bit more. One, because he knows that I would worry and two, because he realized that any tweets relating to him being with another woman might hurt worse if I didn’t know about it. He had no intention of hurting me or rubbing it in my face. And I know he felt horrible when I told him I had had a rough night.

And Happy St. Patricks Day!

Elust 92

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Photo courtesy of Steeled Snake

Welcome to Elust 92

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #93 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Feeling Forced

NEEDY – a black obsession

Monogamish

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

“One Man Is Not Enough For You.”
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~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

Erotic Fiction

The Anatomy Lesson
Town whore

Erotic Non-Fiction

The good girl pledge
Good Boy
From Headache to Clit Ache
Daytime: A married Valentines fantasy
Unlocking the Man…with Pieces of Me.

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Three’s Company
I hate the “One Size Fits All” approach
Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction
How great would it be if…

Poetry

Roadside Stand: A Lusty Limerick

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Dirty Money

Events

Looking back at our Eroticon Weekend

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Waiting and waiting and waiting

 

 

Elust 88

Sometimes Less is More in the Dating Scene

I’ll preface this with saying that I don’t currently have (or have ever had) a dating profile online. A comment on my Fetlife about how I am looking for a play partner is about as close as it gets. I hate talking about myself in any sort of advertising way. However, for the purposes of trying new things I created a hypothetical ‘dating profile’. It would read:

Sexy 30-Something Looking For Fun

Married, hetero-flexible submissive looking for a poly friend with benefits. Play-dates and romantic evenings possible. Looking local, but will travel. Non-smoker a must.*

Short, sweet and reasonably vague. Isn’t that how they are supposed to read? I look at it like meeting a first date in person. You don’t want to scare them away, but you want to make sure that boundaries are laid. It really doesn’t provide the whole story though.

What about an ‘It’s all on the table’ version?

Submissive Mother Looking For Emotional Support with Sex

I’m a married, hetero-flexible mother looking for a break from her children and daily responsibilities. I love to give and receive oral sex. General submissive who also falls under labels of little, human pet, and masochist given the right Dom. Would love the right partner to spoil me and let me be myself. I suffer from depression and anxiety, but I do love dogs and am completely addicted to coffee. Big nerd who likes body hair, tattoos and people who love food. I don’t generally wear make-up and will always choose sweats over dressing up. Very high sex drive who also loves to cuddle. If you’re brave enough to give me a chance, I’ll try to be less crazy in person as I seem on paper. No promises though. Non-smoker a must.*

See, there’s something about the shorter one that makes me think I’d get more responses.

 

Wicked Wednesday for post Stockpiled Cravings

 

*Unless it’s cigars. I don’t know why, but I love the smell of cigar smoke. Sexy as hell.

The Most Comfortable

Because for me, sexy means that I can lay next to you and talk for hours. Perfectly comfortable being naked and next to you. We can talk about anything. And we are both so natural in our conversation and confidence. Comfortable in the knowledge that when we do get back to fucking, it will be even more amazing because of the intellectual discussion that we have just shared.

Rye and Jack's legs comfortable on the bed.

Check out how everyone else is spending their sexy Sunday by clicking the lips below.

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