Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Porn

Can you overload on porn? Can you ever get to the point where the litany of photos and videos just don’t have the impact that they used to? I sure hope not.

I never looked at porn growing up. Even in college it wasn’t really a draw for me. I was in a vanilla relationship and was pretty sexually repressed. I’ve always enjoyed nudes and erotic photographs, but I was never ‘turned on’ by them. When I met Sir, we would watch porn together. It was fun to watch with him, but honestly I would spend the time commenting on the lack of story or unrealistic positioning until he would get frustrated and turn it off. I think I was just uncomfortable watching and comparing myself to those women. I have body image issues, porn stars do not help ease that.

Oh, how things change. As part of my BDSM education I’ve taken to reading several blogs and following Tumblr accounts with various submissive themes. Now all I see are ideas. Dirty dirty ideas. I am still comparing myself to them, but I’m not focused on their beauty, I’m focused on their submission. Tumblr is both a blessing and a curse. I never had the urge to have my photo taken before, but now all I want is to put myself in every pose for Sir. I want him to be proud of his choice. It’s weird to think that porn could be used to make me feel better about myself.

So, now, not only do these pictures get me wetter than I care to admit, but they are an inspiration to be a better submissive. Which, when I am at home and missing him, makes it hard. I try and keep off of the pages during the day so I don’t tackle him when he walks in the door. That wouldn’t be very submissive of me.

Make-Up Sex

Make-Up Sex is a process. I think that is what makes it so hot and enjoyable. Your emotions get so strained during an argument/fight that the orgasm relaxes. And after the roller coaster of talking and crying, the release is just that much sweeter.

I don’t remember ever feeling so awkward as when Sir came home. We were both so tense. Trying to talk about some things but keep everything bottled up while the kids were still awake was excruciating. When we came back downstairs after putting them to sleep, it was like the damn finally broke. We could yell (with emotion, not anger) and talk about everything that needed said. And after a lot of misunderstandings and miscommunication I was exhausted. But that’s the thing about a fight, especially a big one. After it’s over, and you realize how wrong you both were, connecting on a physical level is almost required. We made coffee after dinner (something we never do), because we knew we would need that physical intimacy after we worked everything out.

This was the first fight that Sir and I have had where I was wasn’t certain that we would get it sorted out. One time, before we got married, we fell asleep with things unresolved. But ever since, we have always been able to get back to us, even if it means a late night. Yesterday I wasn’t so sure, I was ready for him to come home and tell me he needed space. I had an escape plan ready. Every fear that had been bottling up in my head for the last few weeks just ate at me all afternoon. My post a week or so ago about trust was never more poignant.

This journey is all about trust. Adding another layer to our relationship has been more stressful than we anticipated. But this ‘fight’ was exactly what we needed to sort through all the crap that we were unsure about. And now I really think that the Dom/sub side of us has a more realistic foundation. And that breath of fresh air was really hot.

So after all the fore-play of talking and sorting the skeleton of our contract (a future post), we were so ready to sink into one another. And we did. He even spoiled me this morning by letting me go shopping without the kids. My mocha never tasted so sweet. My theory is that semen is so salty that everything you eat for the next twelve hours or so tastes sweet. I have a feeling that I won’t need creamer in my coffee ever again.

I Can’t Win

I just feel the need to call Bullshit. Your line about ‘I’m not good enough for you’ is complete crap. You can say whatever you want, you don’t think I’m good enough for you, not the other way around.

All of Me
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy,
don’t know what hit me,
but I’ll be alright

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you

You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down,
I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you

My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
Give me all of you, oh oh

Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all though it’s hard

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you

I give you all of me
And you give me all, of you, oh oh oh.
-John Legend

Did you even listen to the words as you sang me the song? Don’t you realize why I cling to this? What else can I do? All I want is to be enough for you. You won’t say it, you don’t think it. And rather than be mad at you about that, which I should be, I tell you that I will do whatever it takes. Mold me, change me, make me what you want. Do you think women do that everyday? But no, you won’t do that either. You’re afraid you’re going to mess it up. Which I can appreciate, maybe, but then what am I supposed to do? I am offering to do whatever you want, give you whatever you want, but you won’t do it. I’m not good enough as I am. I have to admit, ‘Fuck you’ is my initial response. If you won’t accept me as I am, and you aren’t sexually attracted to me now, and you won’t help me to be what you need, then you have created a black hole for me. Just tell me to go and find someone who actually makes you happy. I’ll never be enough. I am not even apologizing for the drama.

Just Beat Me….Please

Please just beat me until I am what you want. That is all I have ever wanted to be. I don’t need to sleep, I don’t need food. I just need you to be happy. Preferably with me.

What I Wish I Could Say…

It frustrates me when we have a ‘fight’ about an issue I am having and I end up talking you off the ledge. But you never really act on anything that I say. You always sound surprised when I bring up an issue, but they are always the same issues.
I was trying to talk to you last night about feeling sexy, then you make it about me not cuddling with you at night. You say how much you need me, but I don’t feel it. I asked you to show me. And you just went off on how you thought I was going to kill myself. I know you need time, I’m not expecting a quick change, but this isn’t a new request.
I know you need to work. I would appreciate it if you would learn not to promise me things. I know you never say “I promise”, but you raise my expectations as if you did. It just hurts, because it made me feel like after all we talked about last night, I wasn’t a priority. You create all this stress and guilt for yourself, then you get upset when I’m not happy.
I want to be happy. I know that I need to do what I can to dial back my sexual frustrations. It’s not fair to you to keep throwing that at you. But you need to remember how easily I get turned on, so when you text me dirty things and encourage me to look at porn, you are making things worse. Especially when you aren’t in the mood.
I’m sorry that I am not always happy. I get really worked up during the day by the kids and when you get home it takes me awhile to sink into just you. I want to be everything that you want. But I want to be appreciated, even when I’m not perfect. And you never tell me I’m enough. You say that you need me, but only when under pressure and in an argument. I would never leave because I thought I was better than you, or that I could do better. But if I thought that you wanted me to go, that I was making you unhappy, why would I stay. You always talk about how you are afraid that I will leave, but what do you do to show me you want me to stay?

Who the Hell is Krisofer? or Why does Everyone Think I’m a Dude?

I used to work at a call center than processed background checks. I took an average of 40 calls an hour, checking a different person each time.  I always found it interesting the names that people call in with. There are rhyming names, people with the same first and last names, people with initials as their first name. It was always interesting to see that. I always thought my mother had a crazy german last name, I was wrong. Her name is at least somewhat normal in that it was spelled exactly as it sounded. Some names I just listen and wonder.
But last names are nothing. My real issue is what is up with these first names. As a person with a unique first name, I haven’t always been appreciative of what my parents gave me. As a teen, I hated having a weird first name. But now, I enjoy not being the same as everyone else. People remember you and you always have a conversation starter. And it seems that other parents want that same uniqueness for their kids, but they don’t want to sacrifice their traditional names. Their solution . . . to change the name slightly, so it just looks misspelled. Christopher with a k, Todd with an e on the end, Jennifer with two f’s or one n; where do people get this stuff. Some cultural names have different spellings (Rachel vs. Rachael), and that is not what I am talking about. Either put forth the effort to create a unique name or find something that means something to you, or just give them the normal name and suck it up. I’m not suggesting that people name their kids after plastic, or food, but their are interesting names out there if you look.  Read a romance novel, those have a million unique names.  I guess cities and states are passable (Georgia, Houston, Paris), but watch the food and color names if you want your kids to become more than a therapy case (Cookie, Magenta, Apple).
I guess I just feel that unique names are important. Both my boys have ‘unique’ names. They are from literature and history, but someone else had the name before them. Sir and I did not sit down, shove some letters together and call it a name. Unique and changing the spelling of a traditional name aren’t the same thing. So, all the people named Sorha (Sarah), Cile (Kyle), Rebica (Rebecca), and Andreu (Andrew) thank or smack your parents and consider what kind of life you’re going to create for your own kids.
Which leads me to my rather ironic follow-up….
Why does everyone think I’m a dude?
I have a unique name, as previously stated. My parents blessed me with old german last name. Sadly, they made it my first name, so people have no idea what gender I am when they look at my name written out. But I guess that everyone just assumes that I am male based on how my name looks. It’s mostly via email, and everyone always responds with Mr. When people meet me in person, they are always taken aback when I introduce myself. When they call they are always asking to speak to my husband. It just drives me a tad crazy.
One hundred years ago there were men named Ashley (if you haven’t read/seen Gone with the Wind, you have homework). I’m not sure when we decided to pin names to gender. Especially when you have people with names spelled like Cile. How can you possibly assume what gender that person is?
Ok, rant over. I will just accept that I will be a Mr. whenever I meet someone knew. Maybe this new found penis will help me get a job. It’s all about the positive.

Endless Student

There are a lot of areas in life, as an adult, that you can not stop learning. Things are just too fluid and ever-changing to learn everything. I think that BDSM is definitely one of those things. And, as Sir and I try to enter the lifestyle more publicly, I am grateful at the number of resources out there. Obviously, FetLife is a great way to meet people, find events, and ask questions to a knowledgable community. But even the number of blogs that are maintained on the topic of power exchange is amazing. And originally I thought that it was just submissives writing, but there are a number of dominants that are out there sharing their experiences and offering advice.

When we started this journey, I was able to find a number of submissives who were out there sharing their struggles and accomplishments. But it was difficult to find resources for Sir. We both felt like it was just expected that Doms knew everything and he was going to snap his fingers and everything would click. Obviously, that didn’t work. But with minimal amounts of searching, there are a lot of Doms out there talking about training. It really helps to remind you that this is a fluid thing that is different for everyone. Most of the BDSM community (I certainly won’t say all), respects that there is no wrong way to do this. These blogs and websites are about sharing ideas and finding those that get turned on by the same things.

So… these are some blogs that I have found really useful for myself and understanding what Sir is dealing with. FetLife has a useful search for good resources as well, these are just what is interesting for me.

Under His Hand
This is a submissive blog written by Kaya. Sir has actually been reading this for several years, I picked up on it and went through the backlog about a year and a half ago. She is an amazing writer. A very well-written and humorous journal.
Topics include: Masochism, Family, 24/7 Slavery

A Dauntless Journey
This is a dominant blog. It’s not updated very often, but his insights are always unique and thought provoking.
He also has a really hot (in my opinion) blog for photos: http://dvsarousal.tumblr.com/
Topics include: Domination, Submissive Mindset, Training

My Tiny Secrets
This isn’t actually a BDSM focused site. This is a website that is focused on women and their sexuality. There are a number of writers who update daily. It’s a very positive place to learn and engage with other women who are open about their desires and needs, whatever they may be.
Topics include: Improvement of Orgasm, Body Image, Health

Taming of L
This is a dominant blog about a couples journey. There is a lot about their communication and several great posts about their contract.
Topics include: Monogamous BDSM, Flogging/Canning, Training

Hope you find these useful and feel free to share those blogs that you have found as well.

Please Don’t Take Away My Submissive Membership Card

For those wondering, they don’t actually give out a membership card. At least, if they do, I wasn’t given one.

My title is due to my revelation and my concern that it alters my submissive label. I like being spoiled. As a submissive, I feel like all I should want to do is serve. But that is all I do. Serving Sir is one thing. But I feel like all I do now that I am home is serve my kids. I don’t have personal time, I don’t get to spoil myself. So every once and awhile I would love for Sir to spoil me.

And as soon as that craving comes along I have two immediate guilt reactions. (1) is that how can I possibly call myself a submissive when I want focus on me? And (2) how dare I insinuate that Sir isn’t taking care of me. I have this endless complex about not being a good sub. And any feeling that I somehow find unsub-like, triggers an instant worry.

But I cannot help myself from occasionally feeling ignored. Sir helps around the house when he can, and it makes a huge difference. I feel awful wanting more.

I can feel the judgement from FetLife seeping across the internet.

Switch

When Sir and I started playing with BDSM a few years ago, we started with me as more of a dominant. It was actually really difficult for me. I didn’t understand a lot about my submissive sexuality, so we tried a lot of switch scenes. Sir enjoys to switch occasionally. But it was a real eye-opener for me in how uncomfortable I was. Now that I recognize my submissive nature, it makes sense how out-of-my element I felt.

Some people can really make switch relationships work. For those unsure, a switch relationship in BDSM is where a Dominant and Submissive change roles from scene to scene. This can be a bi-sexual person who wants to be submissive with men and dominant with women. It can be a couple who change roles in the bedroom. It can be a threesome who do varied scenes together. It is a fluid word that every person can make it into whatever works for them.

But the general idea of being a dominant was never comfortable for me. Taking control in sex is stressful for me because I am always worried about what I am doing. I find that during scenes I like to zone out and just sink into whatever Sir wants from me. In a dominant setting I get really tense and I question everything I am doing. I don’t know how Sir does such a good job.

Sir has talked about putting together switch scenes for us. But that he would be ordering me, as his sub, to be in charge of the scene. I think that that is his way of helping me to deal with the stress. He would have it all planned out and I would just have to follow his plan. I have to be honest, I’m actually really scared of these. I want to be perfect for him, and I am so worried of messing these up. I will be so tense about doing what he wants. I do not want to disappoint him. I get stressed enough about scenes and I’m just following orders. Wish me luck that I do not end up just upsetting him and getting some real punishment.