Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

The Priority Game

My husband makes fun of me, because I wasn’t allowed to play video games. He thinks that this has ruined my chances for good dexterity and hand/eye coordination. Well, joke’s on him, because I’m a mom.

My day consists of the balance of priorities game. I’ve become a pro at going back and forth to each thing that requires my attention.

Morning:

Wake-Up – Get Baby 2.0 up and calm. Get Boy in clean clothes.

Shower – 7.5 minutes of me time

Breakfast – Get Boy breakfast and start cartoons. Start coffee for Husband. Let Dog out. Get morning bottle for Baby 2.0. Curl up with Boy for cartoon cuddles. Get laundry from upstairs. Bring Baby 2.0 downstairs so Husband can get a shower. Pour coffee for myself and Husband. Get clean diaper for Baby 2.0 and start feeding him breakfast. Remind Husband to pack lunch and ask what he wants for dinner. Finish feeding Baby 2.0 after Husband leaves. Start Laundry. Get snack for Boy. Rock Baby 2.0 when he wakes up. Try to get Dishes done until Baby 2.0 wakes up or Boy needs a drink. Let Dog out. Attempt to eat breakfast. Sneak to bathroom when possible for 30-45 seconds of alone time.

Lunch – Repeat breakfast

Dinner – Repeat lunch. Do dishes until bedtime routine.

Bedtime – Get Boy in pajamas, get him water. Get nighttime bottle sorted for Baby 2.0. Remind Husband to fill his water glass. Read Boy book(s) or feed Baby 2.0 (whichever Husband isn’t doing). Beg Baby 2.0 to fall asleep to white noise machine while gently rubbing his head. Crawl into bed until nighttime feeding.

This is my day. I would be impressed with my own skill at balancing two children, a dog, and this house, but I feel so inadequate. I don’t have any time to work on me, much less get a job, be a good submissive, or any kind of growth.

Ok, I need to start dinner and the late afternoon routine. Baby 2.0 needs a clean diaper and Boy will want his afternoon snack soon. I will give myself double points if I can survive this another few months of this.

Power of Submission

I want to start this with a disclaimer stating that I am very new to the BDSM lifestyle and my husband and I are just starting to integrate it into our lives. No statements made here are judgements or criticisms of other peoples’ relationships or definitions of words used below. These are merely my interpretations of a lifestyle choice.

I realized that I was sexual submissive about a year ago. If I had thought about it, I probably would have come to that conclusion a long time before that. After talking with Sir and doing some extensive research together, we decided to start a Dominant/Submissive relationship. He wants to take this outside of the bedroom, but I really don’t feel comfortable with that just yet. I guess I am already starting to have differing views on how this change in our relationship is going to play out.

Being a submissive doesn’t automatically mean that you have no power, i.e. doormat. Some people chose for it to mean that, but not everyone. Some take a step farther from submission and become a slave. Each relationship has it’s own parameters and limits. While I am collared, I am not a slave. My submission is only in sexual and service context and doesn’t effect our children or any large life decisions (house, job, etc.).

I would like to clarify that being a submissive (or slave, for that matter) is not easy. It’s not being walked on and jumping when my master says (mostly). And I have seen other blog comments that question ‘why would you do that’? I see it as a complete act of trust of my husband and lover. I trust that he will be caring and loving in return. That he will accept and appreciate my submission. It’s a large responsibility, but so is wearing a collar. He has given me as much power as I have given him.

Which leads me to my current conundrum: How do you deal with relationship issues that arise? When we were in a standard vanilla relationship, we just sat down and talked it out. But now, everything carries more weight to it. Honesty is still a necessity, but this is now a delicate balance of power. How do I tell him that I’m uncomfortable without upsetting the scales? How do we talk about sexual issues in this new set-up? I just don’t want this to be over before it really begins. I don’t want my submission to be seen as a ‘get out of jail free’ card whenever he screws up. Turning on the Dom voice and ordering me to clean up the mess isn’t going to fly (or is it?). And while I am perfectly happy providing for his sexual needs, a neglected sub is an unhappy sub. He has responsibilities too. And I don’t want a conversation about him shirking those responsibilities to be seen as me questioning his commitment or his trust.

I guess I am just feeling melodramatic today. Reading too many BDSM romances. Obviously ready for the weekend and a chance to get out of the house.

Holy Emotional Melt-down Batman

Well, today was a day…

Started with a serious lack of sleep thanks to my eldest. So the morning was more of a struggle than normal. I chose to try and be proactive and take the kids to the grocery early and get it out of the way. However, fate was not on my side today. I was bringing the groceries in the house and I dropped a gallon of milk on the floor. It shattered and made my kitchen look like someone slaughtered a cow. There was milk everywhere. Then I had two screaming kids while I was trying to clean it up. I called my husband crying and he came home to find me on the floor in the kitchen crying and trying to feed the baby. It was quite a morning.

Looking forward to visiting with a very close friend tonight. Maybe I will have a drink or three to forget the afternoon.

Kink vs. Romance or Kink & Romance

Can you have kink and romance or are they always mutually exclusive? My fingers are crossed that they can be found together, at least occasionally. My husband does his best with both. It seems that most romantic novels on the subject either highlight one or the other. Very few can adequately portray a BDSM relationship, must less with any romantic twist. I have found a few that do cross the divide without being too cheesy or judgmental.

The Masters of the Shadowlands Series by Cherise Sinclair
There are currently seven books in the series that revolve around a BDSM club in Tampa, Florida. Each story follows a relationship in the club touching on various aspects of the lifestyle (general misconceptions, sadism, master/slave, discipline). Most include a growth of either the master or his submissive in various ways and an element of action.

I have tried several other authors, but most don’t cover the romantic or kinky bases effectively. I will admit, however, that some of this has created a bias as I look at my expectations of my own BDSM relationship. But hey, what are good romance novels for?

The Witching Hour

There is an hour, between 9 and 10 in the morning, where both my children push every possible button I have. I think there is some chemical trigger that sets them off. They know my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet and Sir has left for work, so they attack with everything they’ve got. By the time 10 rolls around I am near tears and spend the rest of the day trying to recoup my sanity. This rarely works.

Coupled with lack of sleep and this hour is the constant downfall of day. Being a stay at home mother is harder than anything else I have ever done. I know it was for the best, with Sir’s job forcing the move, it didn’t make sense to commute and pay for daycare. But the last six months have been full of change and craziness.

As a continuing theme of life change in 2014, Sir and I have decided to ramp up the BDSM now that I am healed from childbirth. This, of course, is purely up to his whims. And I know that it makes me a terrible submissive, but I feel like he is really dropping the ball. I can feel myself turning into a brat in the effort to get attention. Being home with a three year old and a 3-month old doesn’t leave much time for me. The idea of getting to serve and have some sort of personal release is getting too difficult to ignore.

We’ll see how much longer I can attempt to keep everyone in the house happy. As long as I continue to ignore my own need to sleep and personal happiness, then I have a shot. The dog seems to think I’m doing a good job.

February Rain Showers

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

February rain. Now it’s turning into ice as it hits the ground, but it’s rain. The massive storm didn’t turn into too much actually. Hopefully it won’t get too cold tonight and snow, or my commute tomorrow will be fun.

However, tomorrow is a big day. D and I go for our first ultrasound. We are pretty excited. We’ll get our official due date and hopefully a picture or two. My parents are coming this weekend, they are the last important people we need to tell. We have been trying to keep everything quiet until we tell them. I had to tell a few of my coworkers as my morning sickness was getting fun, but other than that we have been pretty good.  We traded in our sedan a little over a week ago for a larger car and we told D’s parents then. And after this weekend we are going to start telling people. But I’m really nervous about how my parents are going to respond. I don’t think they will storm out or anything, but that’s not the same as being happy for us.

Right now I just need to get over this cough thing. I guess it’s been going around Pittsburgh. But I just can’t shake it.

Well, big things happening lately. Hopefully my being sick won’t ruin them all.

Holiday Season

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

So I have given up coffee; one of my favorite things. Hoping to instill a “new me” approach to my life. And I’m sure the caffeine was stunting my growth, or staining my teeth, or something. But I am trying.

Things have been pretty hectic lately. D is in the middle of exams. He’s doing well, but I think the break will be good for him. I’ve been busy with work and Christmas. I only have one more person to shop for, and I don’t know what I will buy her, but I will make it work. When I was at my parents for Thanksgiving I brought back a lot of scrap fabric squares. Those have made for an interesting project, but it is keeping me busy.

The baby front is an unyielding war. We’ll see what this month brings, but I am already preparing myself. Looking on the bright side, D will be free to choose any summer internship and not worry about a baby. However, our summer plan is out, so if we do get pregnant in the next few months, I will be a hot fat lady this summer. But, more time gives us more chances to sort things out. Trying to come up with daycare solutions and a car, the more time the better. I am glad that we should have sorting out our housing situation by then. Whether we buy or not, we should be moved and settled.

Our new challenge has been the dogs and the cold. They have been put in the cages when D leaves as the temperature outside is too low. I think they are just getting stressed out. Andes has been snapping at Toby and he’s getting really timid around her. The barking matches have been freaking me out and I have been getting aggravated.  Hopefully they will calm down as D will be home for the next few weeks. He will only be going to campus for a few hours the next few days and for his exams.

So, as we enter into the holiday season things will pick up.  I have about half of the wrapping done. Money is getting tight fast, but we’ll make it work. We always make it work.

Long week

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

It’s been a very long week. I know, it’s only Monday. I guess I mean it’s been a long month.

Back into the waiting game for the pregnancy. I can’t test until late next week, so I just have to stew. It makes it hard to stay focused on anything. And a friend from high school just found out she’s pregnant with twins. I was talking to a friend on how to describe my feelings. I’m not bitter, I really happy for her, but I’m sad. I don’t like that.

D’s getting a little overwhelmed with school. Or maybe I’m getting a little overwhelmed with D and school. We’re hitting the home stretch though, only a month till exams and then end of the semester. They say the first year is the hardest. I sure hope so.

I just really feel like we are floating right now. We’re talking about buying a newer car, we’ve even looked at buying a house. So every unforeseen expense is stressing me out. I just feel like I’m in a no-win situation as we get closer to the Christmas season. I guess I could force the two of us into super save mode, but I have a feeling that that would just make us more stressed and upset. I don’t know about you, but if I don’t get a good greasy burger or taco every once in awhile I’m just inconsolable.

What I really need is to take a step back and figure things out. However, with work and everything going on at home, it’s not that easy to find time. I guess it’s a little comforting to think that it takes longer than 15 min. to sort out my life. But a day off isn’t coming until thanksgiving, so I’ll have to find time. I see a list in my future. Maybe this Saturday after grocery shopping. Instead of dishes I’ll try to plan our future. Ha!

Christmas

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Due to budget restrictions I have started my christmas shopping early. I figure if I try and get a few gifts with each pay check it won’t hit our bank account in December. I have a few things already. But now I’ve hit a wall. My problem, like every year, is that I have found nice gifts for the easy to buy people, and now I’ve got the difficult ones. I keep having issues trying to spend the same amount on everyone. And admittedly, it’s easier to spend more on the easy people. As D and I aren’t really traveling this year, last year’s time with the Red Cross was enough for me. So our buy list should be small, but somehow it keeps growing. A small holiday at home sounds nice. I only get a few days off anyway.

Maybe I’ll get everyone batteries and toilet paper, the perfect bad economy gift.

Stress

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I think that everyone in general is under too much stress. The stress of everyday life is overwhelming for even the most focused. All we do is worry about money or time. Bills take up more of my thoughts than my husband. Everyone as my office is constantly on edge. About losing their job, about money, their kids, what the person next to them thinks of them. Any little thing can set a person off. It’s a building full of crabby people just waiting to turn on each other. If a problem arises, blame spreads like wildfire. As threats of layoffs loom, everyone is out for themselves. Everyone is so worried about tomorrow that ends in an endless bad mood. So when I get home I am so tired of defending things and justifying my actions that I can hardly make dinner and play with the dogs. And my dogs make me happier than anyone. It’s just weird. We all need less stress.