Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

What I hope never to have to say…

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aerophones circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-Funeral Blues
W. H. Auden

One of my favorite poems that makes me cry almost every time I hear it. And for those of you wondering where you’ve heard it before, John Hannah breaks you down to tears when he recites it in Four Weddings and a Funeral.  I always just have to read it in my head because reading aloud is too sad.

This poem, ironically, is what I looked for my entire life.  Finding someone that would bring this poem out of me if they died. Not that I want them to die, I just want that feeling. That low pit in your chest when you realize what you would do if the person you’re looking at ever went out of your life. Having that feeling is what gets you through the fights and the frustration. And as much I constantly have issues with myself, he’s always there. Every fight seems pointless when I look at him and think of this poem. It’s strange that that makes me feel so good. So safe and confident that everything is going to be fine. And, as much as I feel this way, I hope I never lose him and I never have to read this poem aloud.

Morning Sex makes Mondays Bearable

I’m almost thirty, and it seems crazy that I didn’t realize it before, but sex on a Monday morning can make the entire day survivable. Especially rough sex. It makes you pleasantly sore all day. I’m hoping that it will help me through the week as well.

This is a public service announcement.

Motherhood Fail?

I have always wanted to be a mom. I had a good childhood and have always wanted to have kids of my own. However, I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t begrudge those women who do and are, I have immense respect for them. But it’s just not anything that I wanted to do. My mother always worked outside the home and I have lofty career goals. So believe me when I say that the last few months have been tough.

Between the fear that I am screwing up my children and the feeling of not contributing to the household financially, I am a mess. I don’t have any personal time. I never leave the house (except with two children in tow). My insomnia has gotten worse. Obviously, I get up with the baby, but you would think that I would be so tired at the end of the day that I just crash. Not a chance. Last night it took me about three hours to fall asleep. On the bright side, I got through a few chapters of my book. So, I guess that is my personal time.

Then there is the crushing guilt. I wanted to be a mom, shouldn’t I be relishing this time with my kids? I should have fun crafts and playdates scheduled everyday to foster their education and social skills. I should have handmade snacks and fresh juice for their routine meal times. The house should be clean and dinner prepared when Master gets home. Easy, right?

But it’s not easy. I didn’t really think it would be simple, again, I’m not trying to put down good stay-at-home moms. But I have always worked hard to be good at whatever challenges I’m faced with. I thought, though difficult, that I could work at it and be successful. I have never felt like a bigger failure.

Was I wrong to have kids if I didn’t want to stay home with them? Can I still be a good mom without needing a break from my boys? A break, by the way, includes more than just being able to go to the bathroom by myself, which I can currently not do either.

Sorry for whining. My PMS has my emotional sanity on it’s last legs. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Nudity Requested

I rant. I can usually talk myself around to a logical conclusion, but that can take awhile. Master has learned to let me just get it out of my system. Early on in our relationship he would offer logical statements and devil’s advocate comments; my crazy does not respond well to these. So, now he just ignores me while I talk out loud and eventually I will calm myself down. Like when we let our son cry himself to sleep.

So this morning my mother sends me an article which included an interview with Jamie Dornan about the upcoming ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ movie. I won’t even go into the fact that my mom is sending me these types of articles. We have both read the books. I don’t know if she knows about Master and my sexual arrangement. It’s not something we’ve discussed. I believe that as long as everything is consensual and I am not being emotionally abused, she would be supportive.

Anyway, the article is a short interview with Jamie talking about nudity in the film. Not surprisingly, he mentions his nudity clause and how their won’t be any full frontal scenes of him. I also expect the same can be said for Dakota Johnson, but you never know. This is meant to be a mainstream movie, I don’t think anyone expected full sex sequences. As soon as the production company stated that they were shooting for an ‘R’ rating rather than an ‘NC-17’ rating, you knew that things were going to have to be toned down. I am a rational person, I can understand this.

However, it was the next question/response that set me off:

“Dornan was also asked how graphic the adaptation would be, to which he replied: “You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, ugly and graphic.”

I would think, though I don’t know for certain, that Jamie read the book before he took the role. He knew what he was getting into and the subculture that he going to be representing. I don’t believe that E.L. James wrote Christian Grey as a ‘bad guy’. And while those in the BDSM community probably don’t want him to be their poster child (Master certainly doesn’t), he is going to be bringing one side of the lifestyle into the public eye. I don’t believe that the point of the book or the upcoming movie is to convert the general public to BDSM (it helped me to realize my sexual needs, but that is another story). But Jamie, and the film’s publicity department, do need to realize that there is a community being represented. And his comments about ‘grossing’ people out does lead me to wonder if they care about that group. Making movies is about making money, I can respect that. But the fact that the main character of one of the first mainstream films to openly discuss the BDSM lifestyle uses terminology like gross, ugly, and graphic makes me very concerned.

I want to enjoy this movie. I know that it will not evoke the same feelings that the book did. But I would love if this film could open a dialogue about kink. That will not happen if the main character thinks that it is ugly. My choice of sexual pastimes is not ugly.

This film needed to be made for the millions of people who bought the books and loved the story that E.L. James was trying to tell. The fact that the story is graphic is what makes it real. And the idea that the film is trying to attract a larger audience by making it less graphic I think makes it less real.

Jamie is just giving the byline that the film’s publicity department wants him to say. They don’t want a prudish backlash to hurt their ticket sales. I guess I can respect that fear. But this movie isn’t for those people anyway, so why pander to them. I wish they made this for the fans, and were proud of that. I know that these actors have future careers and families to think about, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t appreciate and own their part in this experience and what it represents. If people were going to lose respect for him because he chose to do this movie, then it doesn’t really matter what he says.

I guess I am just disappointed that this interview makes it seem like Jamie already regrets his decision to be part of this picture. He is worried about his mates rather than the quality and reception of the film by the fans. That is not a good sign.

Ok, I have talked myself back off the ledge. I am disappointed, but not entirely surprised. It will be interesting to see how the film’s publicity hits the ground running in the new year. And since the movie won’t be ‘ugly’ or ‘graphic’, maybe I will save my money and read the book again instead.

The Parental Date

There are all these books and professionals that say that continuing to go out on dates after marriage is important to communication. This becomes even more essential after children as it’s probably your only time to talk about anything besides diapers. I completely understand the importance of this advice. As I am currently at home with my kids all day, the idea of getting away sounds heavenly. Especially if it’s for a dinner that I don’t have to cook or clean up after.

But do we put too much pressure on these nights? I think that Sir and I have been out on maybe three dates since we moved, probably only one since Tiny was born. And on the rare occasion that we do get to go out, we build it up to be a huge event. And when (not if) it isn’t everything we created in our minds, we feel like we failed the date.

In the Dismas Hardy novels by John Lescroart (an excellent series by the way) he and his wife go to the same bar every Wednesday as their date night. No pressure to dress up, no guilt about spending half the paycheck at a fancy place. It sounds so calming and relaxing. That’s what I want, I want to relax when I get a chance to go out. I’m not sure if we’ll ever get to the point and we can manage it every week, but that sounds great too. I love the idea of looking good for Sir and having a great adventure somewhere, but I spend all day every day catering and entertaining two small children. Just having a drink and eating something unhealthy is perfect.

I’m sure I don’t speak for everyone, I have no intention to do so. But I encourage those who continue to be let down by their overly complicated date nights, to just enjoy yourselves. Go to a bar, have a drink and eat some loaded fries. Get a latte and walk around the supermarket or Target without having to run after a screaming toddler. Don’t talk about all the laundry sitting at home, and no puke or poop stories. Talk about dreams, vent about coworkers, feed each other. When you get home you can go back to your lives. In my case, that means following orders from Sir and two little children. Maybe you can curl up with a nice cup of coffee and book for me.

Doms Are People Too

I don’t know why, but everyone has this preconceived notion that all Dominants are scary and mean. Don’t get me wrong, dominants can be very frightening indeed. However, Doms can also be sweet, caring, and giving. While a dominant often knows exactly what they want, they are also protective by nature. Control, or the appearance of control does not translate to mean (though if a woman is in charge in the business world she is automatically a bitch). Even if they are not in a monogamous relationship, while you are with them, most don’t want to share. They care about your well-being and safety. ‘If you break it, you buy it’ tends to apply. If they push you too hard, they do what they can to correct the problem. Breaking a sub is not good for your reputation I guess. Obviously everyone is different. I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, not that Sir broke me, but after Sunday night, I definitely needed fixed. And my Dom knew exactly what I needed. It is a perfect system. He gets the satisfaction of being amazing and I get some sense of getting back to where he wants me to be. Where I need to be. So he doesn’t turn into the scary Dom that everyone assumes he is.

*And yes, I am totally sucking up to Sir with my post title*

Disappointment

With a three year old and an infant, my sex life is strained, to say the least. And with Sir and I ready to jump back into BDSM full throttle, it’s been even more stressful for us. The pregnancy put everything on hold and now the lack of sleep is continuing that trend.

So, you can imagine my joy when Sir told me that we were going to scene Sunday night…

I was literally jumping up and down as I put the kids to bed. It took Tiny longer to fall asleep as I am pretty sure he could sense my excitement, and the aforementioned jumping probably did not help. But, eventually, both boys were asleep.

Now, I cannot tell you my head space all afternoon in preparation for this. Turning my submissive head on and off with two small children is hard. It often makes me jealous of the 24/7 slaves that can just sit in that headspace. Maybe someday, like after Tiny moves out, but I digress. When dealing with my boys, I feel like being strong is essential to teaching them how to treat women. So I find myself switching back and forth to my comfortable submissive nature only when my husband and I are alone. It’s a lot more mentally draining that one would think. So the idea of sinking into subspace for a few hours sounded lovely.

So when the scene went wrong, I lost it. Scene issues are rarely just the fault of one person, but after months of half-hearted play I was so disappointed, and it was directed at myself. Sir was a champ. He just held me while I cried. He took a lot of responsibility too, but I was just so crushed. Once in my submissive headspace I want to do everything perfect. In my everyday life I could care less about dirty dishes or the last time I vacuumed, but sub me is a different story. Considering how seldom we can squeeze together time in, I was devastated that Sir did not get what he wanted. A rough night, to be sure.

With life being so crazy, I really look to my submissive side to take on all the stress relief and relaxation for the rest of me. And since she has not had the chance to come out and play, I am so tense and stressed it is driving me up the wall. I may have to break down and get a mani/pedi or a massage or something. Which may sound good to some of you, but I would take a good beating and rough sex over a massage any day. That’s a lot to put on one side of myself though. So I really need to manage my expectations and give myself a break.

I just want to find a way to move past this. I need to get over this hiccup so that we can get back on the horse. We are just getting our BDSM relationship sorted and I do not want this minor step back to be a huge derailment for us. I know Sir would not accept that, so the sooner I can let this go, the better. Fingers crossed that I can get this all out of my head before he decides that we are jumping back on the horse again.

50 Shades of Anniversaries

This week is my ’50 Shades of Grey’ anniversary. I read the trilogy for the first time this week last year. I know that for most in the BDSM lifestyle 50 Shades is a swear word, but it means the exact opposite to me. I won’t try and convert you to why I love the story and why the writing style doesn’t bother me. This novel, however, helped me to realize that I am a sexual submissive. I didn’t use this book as the be all end all of BDSM resources, I used it as a jumping off point to further exploration into what the lifestyle has to offer. People have life changing experiences all the time. Some when they visit a new city, or when they become parents. This was my first personal awakening brought on by a book, but it was an amazing experience.

After reading these books Sir and I had a large relationship shift. We both used the story to help us talk to each other and come to an agreement about how we want to change our sex life. Finding a common resource like that was invaluable to us as we embarked on these drastic changes in our relationship. It’s not perfect, but we took something away that most don’t.

I swear I am not trying to sell more copies of this book (not that E.L. James needs my help). I guess I am trying to sell the experience that I had reading it. Going through that kind of life changing event is something that I hoped to have when I did my study abroad semester. Even through various moves and our growing family, it was this book that brought about this epiphany. So these types of realizations can happen when you least expect it. Always be open to trying something new and don’t be afraid of what may come out of it. I ended up in bondage.

So…ready for my cheesy line for the day:

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

The Extremes of Sex

I am a worrier. I always have been. Every possible horrible thing that could happen to you, I’ve thought of it. I don’t troubleshoot, I just worry. I had grey hair long before I had children.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about what I would do if something happened to my husband. If he died, for whatever reason. I immediately thought that I would never want to get married again and possibly even avoid another committed relationship. As soon as this thought crossed my mind I took a step back and thought ‘wow, that’s a bit extreme’. But as I really broke it down, I don’t know if I could have another emotional relationship like I have with him. We are each other’s best friend. He and I have cried tears of sadness when our dog died and tears of joy when our sons were born. I’m not sure I could be that open with anyone again.

But, the nymphomaniac in me did stop to consider my sexual needs. And that part of me was a tad bit pissed off that it wasn’t the first thing to come to mind. But it wasn’t. And that got me thinking about emotional vs. sexual aspects of committed relationships. Sex is so integral in a committed relationship, but it’s often the most abused. Look at the divorce rate, look the number of people trying ‘open relationships’ to avoid the issues arising around adultery. And our culture puts so much emphasis on it. We have the bachelor/bachelorette parties before weddings, the ‘seven year itch’, and the constant focus on ‘spicing up your marriage bed’. Our society is determined that your married sex life must be lacking and in need of added flare to avoid cheating.

Sir believes that this is because our pre-societal ancestors were in polygamous relationships. Whether due to gender imbalance or cultural standard, he is correct. But does that really have that much affect on our interactions today? Is the divorce rate high because that many more people are unhappy in their choice of spouse or is it just more accepted now. Would more people have gotten divorced 100 years ago if it was as easy and culturally normal? I don’t believe so, but that’s just me.

Our generational gaps have placed an emphasis on different values than they used to. The clearest example is television. Programs in post-World War II America showed couples sleeping in separate beds, with limited, if any, conversation about their sexual relationship (ie. I Love Lucy). Now look at Friends, How I Met Your Mother, or Grey’s Anatomy. These shows depict sexual encounters without emotional relationships, divorce, and pillow talk. I’m not a prude, I’ve watched all these shows; my point is simply that the landscape has changed. Society is much more open about our sexual encounters and fantasies. We are also looking for more in a sexual relationship. Sexual compatibility is no longer as simple as procreation. As one who is still trying to find her place in the BDSM world, there are a million and one ways to feel sexually satisfied. And, if your partner or spouse can’t give it to you, there is someone out there who can.

Does that make us too comfortable with sex? To clarify, have individuals made their committed relationships too much about sex? I understand that for most, getting married means faithful behavior in the bedroom. Is that all it means anymore? My thought when I considered the loss of my husband was that I would never feel comfortable really crying in front of someone else. The idea of someone else seeing me naked was much further down the line. I will admit, I did think it, but loosing my partner in life was about so much more than our sexual relationship. In media it seems that that is not the case. Television and film has sex as the central issue in the start of a relationship; so much so that I think it has had irreparable effects on societal norms.

Maybe I am way off base. Maybe everyone slept around in the 1950s as well, they just didn’t talk about it. And because no one talked about it, no one got divorced because of it. Everyone had Jackie O’s dignified stance of plausible deniability.

In short, I plan to pass before Sir so he can find himself another good slave and I won’t have to worry about it.