Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Switch

When Sir and I started playing with BDSM a few years ago, we started with me as more of a dominant. It was actually really difficult for me. I didn’t understand a lot about my submissive sexuality, so we tried a lot of switch scenes. Sir enjoys to switch occasionally. But it was a real eye-opener for me in how uncomfortable I was. Now that I recognize my submissive nature, it makes sense how out-of-my element I felt.

Some people can really make switch relationships work. For those unsure, a switch relationship in BDSM is where a Dominant and Submissive change roles from scene to scene. This can be a bi-sexual person who wants to be submissive with men and dominant with women. It can be a couple who change roles in the bedroom. It can be a threesome who do varied scenes together. It is a fluid word that every person can make it into whatever works for them.

But the general idea of being a dominant was never comfortable for me. Taking control in sex is stressful for me because I am always worried about what I am doing. I find that during scenes I like to zone out and just sink into whatever Sir wants from me. In a dominant setting I get really tense and I question everything I am doing. I don’t know how Sir does such a good job.

Sir has talked about putting together switch scenes for us. But that he would be ordering me, as his sub, to be in charge of the scene. I think that that is his way of helping me to deal with the stress. He would have it all planned out and I would just have to follow his plan. I have to be honest, I’m actually really scared of these. I want to be perfect for him, and I am so worried of messing these up. I will be so tense about doing what he wants. I do not want to disappoint him. I get stressed enough about scenes and I’m just following orders. Wish me luck that I do not end up just upsetting him and getting some real punishment.

Wandering Through the Woods

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
     — Robert Frost
What if you got to take the other road? What if that road looped around and you were staring at that fork again and this time we can look back on the path chosen and be able to wonder what it would be like to go the other way. Both paths looked good, right? I mean, can you really look at the complete picture of your life thus far and not say, it would be interesting to split off right there and go a different way. What if I had chosen a different college? Would my high school boyfriend and I still be together? I would never have met my husband, would I have met him at a different time?  What if I had taken that trip to New Zealand? What if I hadn’t had that one night stand?
These are not questions that simply relive one night and continue the course of one’s life in the same way.  These questions dramatically change the life and choices a person has made for themselves.  One can make the fate argument, but I find it pointless in this case.  I choose, in this specific instance, to ignore any type of fate, and simply look at a decision in my life.  Two paths to take, and take the other. Would you look down that grassy path and say it’s not worth it? Go back down that known existence.  Is that unknown too unknown, can you loop around again?
I guess my answer would depend on when I make that diversion. If it’s after I met my Master, can I bring him with me down my other path? If it’s before, will I remember him as I enter a world where we haven’t met? I guess, as I struggle within my love for Robert Frost the question of his message stays with me.  Am I meant to look down the path I have taken as the difference I should embrace, or am I to question each decision I make as if I were staring at these paths? Is his poem to tell me that all decisions are easy, or that they are all huge complexities that we must combat?
This internal struggle, ironically, has led me back to the same conclusion
which Frost himself had reached. Even when I am at my lowest, I wouldn’t change any of the big things. I would never enter a world without my Master, he is my everything. I wouldn’t change our decision to have our two boys. When looking back through tough choices, losing our first dog, and the battles that we face today with money and jobs, I cannot imagine loosing any of it. Running from those hard memories and today’s daily challenges does not guarantee that the other path would be easier or less painful. As hard as this period of my life is, I know it will pass and we, as a family, will move on. Mr. Frost has given me that assurance. The path I have chosen has made all the difference, what difference that was I am not sure I am supposed to know.
*Everything is getting better from yesterday’s earthquake. A lot of talking and some great sex is healing wounds. I’m still feeling pretty introspective though, which is why you are getting my poem rantings. Hopefully this will be the last one.*

Trust

Trust is everything.

It is what every type of relationship is built on. Your lover, your boss, the guy that is driving the subway train that you are riding on. You put your trust in people everyday, some you don’t even know and will never meet.

And when that trust is shaken or lost from someone you care about deeply, it hurts worse than any physical pain (including childbirth, before you ask). Last year my husband revealed to me that he had been lying about a relationship he had had in college. I had so many insecurities because of that imaginary relationship. I even considered not marrying him because I thought I could never be enough. And to hear, as we were getting ready to start our BDSM relationship, that it was not what I had always thought was so belittling. But, as much as it hurt, we moved passed it. It was hard to be honest, but we both worked through a lot to start this new lifestyle.

The last few months have been really difficult for me. I haven’t wanted to burden him with my problems or my pain. That’s not fair. As a wife and a submissive, he needs me to be honest with him about when I am struggling. So when he asked me how bad it was last night, I was honest. Scary honest. He trusted me to share and I trusted him to listen. I didn’t expect him to fix everything, but I did think it may be a wake-up call to lend a hand.

So, this morning when I got up before dawn and he grunted, rolled over, and fell back asleep I was hurt. I opened up to him and it felt like he was just laughing in my face. I came downstairs, made my coffee, and stewed. He knew pretty quickly once he came down that I was pissed. I am my mother’s daughter, I wasn’t mad. I was disappointed and hurt, which is worse.

I trust him, I do. He is my husband, my lover, my Master. But right now, his actions took me right back to his confession and how much I hurt. Normally I would just be shaken, but my foundation is so fragile right now, which he knew, that this tremor feels like an earthquake.

Submissive in the Real World

Sometimes I wish I could be a 24/7 slave. Dealing with the real world is scary. I don’t want to hide behind my master, but I will admit that I am most relaxed when I can just serve. After a day of changing diapers and taking orders from small children, there is nothing more relaxing than just kneeling and sinking into the floor. And for better or worse, I try to take that feeling throughout the day.

However….

We can’t always play. So there are often large gaps between scenes. We are pretty sexual people, we have sex more than most young parents I know. But life happens. So that relaxed feeling often has to last for days at a time. But I can’t be submissive outside the bedroom at home, at least, not yet. And that mind set follows me and combats with my other responsibilities.

I realized it only after I found BDSM, but I am submissive entirely. Not just sexually, but in everything. Some see it as being a pushover, or a doormat. I get enjoyment out of making people happy and I avoid confrontation. That does not mean that I take abuse. I grew up always protecting my brother and keeping him safe. I want to fight and hide at the same time. I feel so contradictory. It relaxes me to buy gifts and please people, but I can’t always do that and be the right role model for my sons. So I feel like I am lying to myself by trying to hide the submissive person that I am. How do I demand respect and teach my sons how to live? Maybe I am a doormat.

Wow. That was not the conclusion I thought I would come to when I started this post. I said I talk in circles until I come to a true realization. Sometimes I even surprise myself.

What I hope never to have to say…

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aerophones circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-Funeral Blues
W. H. Auden

One of my favorite poems that makes me cry almost every time I hear it. And for those of you wondering where you’ve heard it before, John Hannah breaks you down to tears when he recites it in Four Weddings and a Funeral.  I always just have to read it in my head because reading aloud is too sad.

This poem, ironically, is what I looked for my entire life.  Finding someone that would bring this poem out of me if they died. Not that I want them to die, I just want that feeling. That low pit in your chest when you realize what you would do if the person you’re looking at ever went out of your life. Having that feeling is what gets you through the fights and the frustration. And as much I constantly have issues with myself, he’s always there. Every fight seems pointless when I look at him and think of this poem. It’s strange that that makes me feel so good. So safe and confident that everything is going to be fine. And, as much as I feel this way, I hope I never lose him and I never have to read this poem aloud.

Morning Sex makes Mondays Bearable

I’m almost thirty, and it seems crazy that I didn’t realize it before, but sex on a Monday morning can make the entire day survivable. Especially rough sex. It makes you pleasantly sore all day. I’m hoping that it will help me through the week as well.

This is a public service announcement.

Motherhood Fail?

I have always wanted to be a mom. I had a good childhood and have always wanted to have kids of my own. However, I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t begrudge those women who do and are, I have immense respect for them. But it’s just not anything that I wanted to do. My mother always worked outside the home and I have lofty career goals. So believe me when I say that the last few months have been tough.

Between the fear that I am screwing up my children and the feeling of not contributing to the household financially, I am a mess. I don’t have any personal time. I never leave the house (except with two children in tow). My insomnia has gotten worse. Obviously, I get up with the baby, but you would think that I would be so tired at the end of the day that I just crash. Not a chance. Last night it took me about three hours to fall asleep. On the bright side, I got through a few chapters of my book. So, I guess that is my personal time.

Then there is the crushing guilt. I wanted to be a mom, shouldn’t I be relishing this time with my kids? I should have fun crafts and playdates scheduled everyday to foster their education and social skills. I should have handmade snacks and fresh juice for their routine meal times. The house should be clean and dinner prepared when Master gets home. Easy, right?

But it’s not easy. I didn’t really think it would be simple, again, I’m not trying to put down good stay-at-home moms. But I have always worked hard to be good at whatever challenges I’m faced with. I thought, though difficult, that I could work at it and be successful. I have never felt like a bigger failure.

Was I wrong to have kids if I didn’t want to stay home with them? Can I still be a good mom without needing a break from my boys? A break, by the way, includes more than just being able to go to the bathroom by myself, which I can currently not do either.

Sorry for whining. My PMS has my emotional sanity on it’s last legs. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Nudity Requested

I rant. I can usually talk myself around to a logical conclusion, but that can take awhile. Master has learned to let me just get it out of my system. Early on in our relationship he would offer logical statements and devil’s advocate comments; my crazy does not respond well to these. So, now he just ignores me while I talk out loud and eventually I will calm myself down. Like when we let our son cry himself to sleep.

So this morning my mother sends me an article which included an interview with Jamie Dornan about the upcoming ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ movie. I won’t even go into the fact that my mom is sending me these types of articles. We have both read the books. I don’t know if she knows about Master and my sexual arrangement. It’s not something we’ve discussed. I believe that as long as everything is consensual and I am not being emotionally abused, she would be supportive.

Anyway, the article is a short interview with Jamie talking about nudity in the film. Not surprisingly, he mentions his nudity clause and how their won’t be any full frontal scenes of him. I also expect the same can be said for Dakota Johnson, but you never know. This is meant to be a mainstream movie, I don’t think anyone expected full sex sequences. As soon as the production company stated that they were shooting for an ‘R’ rating rather than an ‘NC-17’ rating, you knew that things were going to have to be toned down. I am a rational person, I can understand this.

However, it was the next question/response that set me off:

“Dornan was also asked how graphic the adaptation would be, to which he replied: “You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don’t want to make something gratuitous, ugly and graphic.”

I would think, though I don’t know for certain, that Jamie read the book before he took the role. He knew what he was getting into and the subculture that he going to be representing. I don’t believe that E.L. James wrote Christian Grey as a ‘bad guy’. And while those in the BDSM community probably don’t want him to be their poster child (Master certainly doesn’t), he is going to be bringing one side of the lifestyle into the public eye. I don’t believe that the point of the book or the upcoming movie is to convert the general public to BDSM (it helped me to realize my sexual needs, but that is another story). But Jamie, and the film’s publicity department, do need to realize that there is a community being represented. And his comments about ‘grossing’ people out does lead me to wonder if they care about that group. Making movies is about making money, I can respect that. But the fact that the main character of one of the first mainstream films to openly discuss the BDSM lifestyle uses terminology like gross, ugly, and graphic makes me very concerned.

I want to enjoy this movie. I know that it will not evoke the same feelings that the book did. But I would love if this film could open a dialogue about kink. That will not happen if the main character thinks that it is ugly. My choice of sexual pastimes is not ugly.

This film needed to be made for the millions of people who bought the books and loved the story that E.L. James was trying to tell. The fact that the story is graphic is what makes it real. And the idea that the film is trying to attract a larger audience by making it less graphic I think makes it less real.

Jamie is just giving the byline that the film’s publicity department wants him to say. They don’t want a prudish backlash to hurt their ticket sales. I guess I can respect that fear. But this movie isn’t for those people anyway, so why pander to them. I wish they made this for the fans, and were proud of that. I know that these actors have future careers and families to think about, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t appreciate and own their part in this experience and what it represents. If people were going to lose respect for him because he chose to do this movie, then it doesn’t really matter what he says.

I guess I am just disappointed that this interview makes it seem like Jamie already regrets his decision to be part of this picture. He is worried about his mates rather than the quality and reception of the film by the fans. That is not a good sign.

Ok, I have talked myself back off the ledge. I am disappointed, but not entirely surprised. It will be interesting to see how the film’s publicity hits the ground running in the new year. And since the movie won’t be ‘ugly’ or ‘graphic’, maybe I will save my money and read the book again instead.

The Parental Date

There are all these books and professionals that say that continuing to go out on dates after marriage is important to communication. This becomes even more essential after children as it’s probably your only time to talk about anything besides diapers. I completely understand the importance of this advice. As I am currently at home with my kids all day, the idea of getting away sounds heavenly. Especially if it’s for a dinner that I don’t have to cook or clean up after.

But do we put too much pressure on these nights? I think that Sir and I have been out on maybe three dates since we moved, probably only one since Tiny was born. And on the rare occasion that we do get to go out, we build it up to be a huge event. And when (not if) it isn’t everything we created in our minds, we feel like we failed the date.

In the Dismas Hardy novels by John Lescroart (an excellent series by the way) he and his wife go to the same bar every Wednesday as their date night. No pressure to dress up, no guilt about spending half the paycheck at a fancy place. It sounds so calming and relaxing. That’s what I want, I want to relax when I get a chance to go out. I’m not sure if we’ll ever get to the point and we can manage it every week, but that sounds great too. I love the idea of looking good for Sir and having a great adventure somewhere, but I spend all day every day catering and entertaining two small children. Just having a drink and eating something unhealthy is perfect.

I’m sure I don’t speak for everyone, I have no intention to do so. But I encourage those who continue to be let down by their overly complicated date nights, to just enjoy yourselves. Go to a bar, have a drink and eat some loaded fries. Get a latte and walk around the supermarket or Target without having to run after a screaming toddler. Don’t talk about all the laundry sitting at home, and no puke or poop stories. Talk about dreams, vent about coworkers, feed each other. When you get home you can go back to your lives. In my case, that means following orders from Sir and two little children. Maybe you can curl up with a nice cup of coffee and book for me.