Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Spring cleaning…six months late

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

This was a hard core cleaning weekend. I will say I get a sense of accomplishment when I scrub the bathroom from top to bottom. The kitchen stayed clean for about five minutes. But good food was made in it, so I can’t complain too much. Steelers won and I got paid on Friday. All in all a pretty good weekend. Now, I won’t see most of that money, but it’s ok.

I did get a lot sorted on my quilt. I bought the king size batting as it was on sale and the queen size was out of stock. I have apparently never seen a queen mattress and a king close together. I didn’t think they were that different. The king size batting is like 10′ x 10′. On our queen it touches the floor on three sides and would be up over our faces. It’s just too big. So I decided to cut the king to fit the size we wanted. So I trimmed it back to 8′ x 7′. I am hoping that will make it more manageable. At least I think I will have enough strips for the front now. I cut the corduroy for the back and I have a lot left over. So I think I will use it with the leftover batting to make something nice. I was actually thinking about a baby blanket. I could trim it in the blue corduroy like ours and then quilt it with a fun design as it will all be one fabric. We’ll see. But work continues.

Back to work tomorrow. After the threat of layoffs a few weeks ago, the place has been anything but quiet.  So it will be interesting to see if we can get some new contracts so we do not have to lose so many workers. I’m still hoping to have a job when it is over, but I am updating my resume just to be on the safe side. The last thing we need to for me to finally get pregnant and then find out I’ve lost my job and our insurance. That last sentence sure doesn’t make it easy to sleep at night. But my boss is staying positive, so I will trust him.

Entering week 7 of law school. D is doing much better this week. A little stressed about a research project, but really on top of his other work. Hopefully we can keep the momentum going throughout the rest of the semester. Although, I can start testing late next weekend and I am afraid that will start the stress cycle again. We see my parents in a few weeks and I would like to know before we see them. I know it sounds strange, but it will be easier not to tell them if I know. If we’re still unsure, then it will show all over my face. But if I have a definite answer I will be better. I’m trying not to get too excited this time. Last month was just such a let down. I have not been on any of my baby sites or anything. I’m not trying to find symptoms that aren’t there. But at the same time, this will be month three. Most couples get a positive within their first three months. And if this is negative, then the worry turns to, “is something wrong with us?”. I would really like to avoid that roller coaster of emotion. Wish us luck.

Geez…Drama or what?

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Well, at least I have not lost the flair for the dramatic.

I’ve been really down lately. I have been panicking about work and money lately. The lack of D time is wearing me down more than I thought it would. I was sure I could handle it. I consider myself an independent person. But it’s weird how lonely I’ve been feeling since he started school. And the baby thing has taken longer than I thought, which is disheartening, to say the least.

This last year has just been difficult. Which is a coop-out, because it’s been hard for everyone in the U.S. I hate that money rules my life. Memories are defined by debt and financial restriction rather than the experience. Our lives are limited so much by what we can pay for. Cultural experiences are so limited to a select few by cost. It is just really frustrating. As I look to raising a family, I’m struggling to decide how much weight I should put on money.  I hate money and my dependence on it, should I teach my children the same indifference? There is a reality to the need for money, but I am tired of it ruling my life. The worst part is, the only way to escape the dependence on money is to have a lot of it.

Maybe I’ll raise my kids in the woods, use leaves for clothes and eat squirrels. I probably wouldn’t be any less likely to be able to afford to take them to Europe.

Updates all around

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Doing well here.

The job front is a little shaky. There may be cuts by the end of the year, so it is a little scary. But I am foraging ahead.

The baby plan is slowly moving ahead. We are looking to test again in a few weeks. Another emotional roller coaster is on the horizon. I think D is hitting the limits of his stress threshold. I’m not sure how much longer I can put him through this. I did not think it would be this hard. Maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe a family of two dogs will have to do.

That was a shorter update than I thought.

Tea Revolution

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

When my family moved to England my freshman year of high school, my mother converted to tea. Growing up I remember my parents drinking coffee on Sunday mornings and the smell throughout the house. When we returned from the United Kingdom, our began to smell of Earl Grey and my father’s coffee smell was drowned out. Tea is still the morning smell that wakes me every time I go to visit.

When I was around 16 we went to Easter brunch with my great-aunt Mary and great-uncle Jim. Jim and I always got to sit next to each other because we were the only left-handed people in the bunch. The waitress brought an extra cup of coffee, so Jim thought I need to start a healthy caffeine addiction. So he trained me into his formula of two creams, three sugars. I was hooked. All through college I was half alive until I got my coffee.  I can drink it all day and I am completely unphased by the caffeine. But the sugar and cream are not the best for my waistline. And with the pregnancy possibility, I wanted to try to reduce my need for coffee everyday.

So, this culminates with D starting law school and getting into tea. It started small, he would have a cup when he wanted to stay up and read. Then we started looking for some fruit teas for nighttime, no caffeine, usually sleepy time teas. Then we started drinking them in the morning instead of coffee. And now….now I hardly have coffee at work and I think we have two pots of tea at night after dinner while I sew and he studies. I have become a tea addict. I think we have something like ten different flavors of tea in our kitchen. There is less caffeine, which would be good for a baby, and without cream and excess sugar, also healthier. But I do feel a little old drinking tea. But I am definitely prepared if we move to the UK.

My mother would be so proud.

Quilting madness…

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Well, my quilting adventure begins. I’ve got about 300 strips to sew together to create 8-10 strips of 10 ft. pieces. Should be interesting. The sad thing is, that’s the easy part. But I’ll update on that when I get there. The strips should keep be busy for awhile. I loaded up on fabric on sale this weekend, so I’ve been cutting like mad. My rotary cutter is getting a workout, but at least the fabric yards were easier to cut than the old pants. Hopefully the fabrics that I bought go well together.  My color palette is really dark, but toby’s habit of shedding all over everything makes it seem like a good plan.

So law school is harder than I thought. My grad school experience was really like a part-time job, which is why working my 20-hour a week internship worked out so well. It’s only been a month and it’s obvious that law school it’s more than a full-time gig. D’s been busier than me lately, and I’ve been working 50 hours. It’s just going to take another few months to really get our schedules in synch. It just feels like we’re roommates who never see each other. And we haven’t been to pleasant either. But we’ll get there. It’s only three years, right?

Fall is here

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Yes, fall is here. Hopefully the eighty and ninety degree weather that has hindered over us the last several months will dissipate.

Not much new to report. My first negative was followed by three more negatives, so we are back to square one. At least I consider myself through, if not neurotic. I’ve been pretty bummed this week. But getting better.

I did finish my first sets of curtains for the upstairs. They don’t look too bad. I also spent the greater part of yesterday cutting the strips and ironing them for my quilt. Not quite sure what it will turn into, but I’m getting there.

Work should be back to normal this week. The overtime was nice last week and will look really good on my paycheck, but I will be glad to be able to sleep in again. Maybe I can stick to nine-hour days for awhile. It’s weird how at nine I am fine, but at ten I am ready to drop.

So, still trying to avoid caffeine eat better. Hope to enjoy those fall breezes.

First Negative

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

We got our first negative today. I’m just hoping that there won’t be too many more. In fact, I’m having trouble accepting this negative. But, being my anal-retentive self, I’m sure I won’t let it go. It’s just weird that we finally made it to the testing phase and I guess I just wasn’t ready for the let down. All the pregnancy sites talk about how great it is to be pregnant. I’m not sure there are any good sites for those struggling. A friend of mine just found out she was pregnant after trying for over a year. She’s only in her mid-twenties, it frightens me to think that we will have the same difficulty. The gaps of time between calculating my ovulation and waiting to test are beyond stressful. To anyone who is also going through this or has gone through this, I feel your pain. And I wish you the best of luck in this joyful, painful struggle to begin or enlarge your family.

Month 2

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

So we are coming up on month number 2 of our trying for a baby. Not sure how I feel about it. I can’t start testing until next week. So I have been just psyching myself out. I’ve been getting these terrible headaches and my stomach has been hurting. I have been reading a lot about pregnancy and the early weeks and I think I’ve been giving myself a mind trip. We’ll see. Hopefully I can let it go enough to get me through the week.

A friend of mine of work is getting married this weekend. I’m really excited. They are such a cute couple, it’s going to be beautiful. It will be nice to take my mind off everything. Though I did get a raise on Friday. It was pretty unexpected and nice. Hope it will get us through the economy slump. But anyway, I’m excited to get out of the house this weekend.

I was really upset last night. I keep wondering if I’m ready to be a mom. If I will be a good parent. There are lots of things I would like to do in my life and I’m worried that having a child now will prevent me from accomplishing them. Though I hardly have the money to do most of them. But I do know that I have the capacity to love a child more than anything in the world. And that has to count for something. I guess I’m just nervous. Everyone from my high school has started families. Most of them have several children. But no one ever says how they do it. No one is willing to share the bad things, the money trouble, the late nights, the loss of free time. Everyone just posts baby pictures on facebook and is all smiles. My friend Jessy is only one I’ve been able to find that is honest.

Without gross details I’ll let you know what we find out.

Wake up calls

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

A girl I went to high school with lost her mother this weekend. She was a lovely woman who supported her daughters in everything and could not have been a nicer human being. It’s weird to find out about her death on facebook, but it was amazing to see information fly. She was only 48. My mother is 52. The shock of losing someone so young and so quickly. After my father’s heart infection last thanksgiving, it hit really hard how fleeting life can be. It was great to see my parents this weekend. I do not appreciate it as much as I should. And thinking how terrible this must be for her girls to travel home for such a tragedy is heart breaking.

One of my goals for this year “of the baby” is to get a grasp on my family. Some of the family relationships have struggled in the past. I would hate to lose those ties as D and I start our own family. We want our children to appreciate the support system that a family can provide. D’s family is quite small, especially compared to my own. And even the parts of his mother’s side which is large, he does not know or speak to them. My family vacations with my cousins, aunts, grandparents, was a large part of my upbringing and I would love to share that with my own children. And if that passing of a wonderful 48 year-old woman can have any blessing, it will be to teach myself and others to savor the moment with loved ones.

Labour Day

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Yesterday was my labour day. Dad and I did a mass rework of the backyard. We cut down the dead tree that has been threatening to fall into our not-so-nice neighbors yard since we moved in. We trimmed the branches of the very nice neighbors trees that were hanging into our yard. Then we leveled the mounds of dirt on the left side of the walk and spread mulch. The dogs are getting used to it, not eating it as much as I feared. But, in any case, my back is quite sore.

We took my parents to brunch at Coca’s this morning. I really like that place. I had this amazing almond french toast with lemon glaze. It was pretty deadly, but really good. Then we went to the Monroeville Mall and mom and I each bought suits. I pretend like I’m working toward finding a better job. Really, I’m just hoping one will fall in my lap. However, the economy is stifling this pipe dream.

The other new thing is that my father brought me his sewing machine. I’ve never been much of a quilter, but I’m going to try my hand at it again. I’ve been looking for a big project to take on since D started school. I’m sick of watching TV by myself on the weekends while he works. I’m hoping this will keep me from getting too bored and also produce something. I bought some fabric from Etsy that I’m really excited about, so we’ll see what happens. This sewing machine and I have not really even gotten along, so this could be quite the battle of wills. If I do manage to create something even mildly impressive I will be sure to post pictures.

Other than the yard, not really any big holiday plans. I was actually hoping that they would have a skeleton crew in tomorrow so I could pick up some overtime, but oh well. Mom and dad are leaving later this evening and D has school work to do. So, we’ll see what I sort out with setting up the sewing machine and reading my book. Trying to be productive is the goal, but it does not always happen that way.