Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

Month 2

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

So we are coming up on month number 2 of our trying for a baby. Not sure how I feel about it. I can’t start testing until next week. So I have been just psyching myself out. I’ve been getting these terrible headaches and my stomach has been hurting. I have been reading a lot about pregnancy and the early weeks and I think I’ve been giving myself a mind trip. We’ll see. Hopefully I can let it go enough to get me through the week.

A friend of mine of work is getting married this weekend. I’m really excited. They are such a cute couple, it’s going to be beautiful. It will be nice to take my mind off everything. Though I did get a raise on Friday. It was pretty unexpected and nice. Hope it will get us through the economy slump. But anyway, I’m excited to get out of the house this weekend.

I was really upset last night. I keep wondering if I’m ready to be a mom. If I will be a good parent. There are lots of things I would like to do in my life and I’m worried that having a child now will prevent me from accomplishing them. Though I hardly have the money to do most of them. But I do know that I have the capacity to love a child more than anything in the world. And that has to count for something. I guess I’m just nervous. Everyone from my high school has started families. Most of them have several children. But no one ever says how they do it. No one is willing to share the bad things, the money trouble, the late nights, the loss of free time. Everyone just posts baby pictures on facebook and is all smiles. My friend Jessy is only one I’ve been able to find that is honest.

Without gross details I’ll let you know what we find out.

Wake up calls

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

A girl I went to high school with lost her mother this weekend. She was a lovely woman who supported her daughters in everything and could not have been a nicer human being. It’s weird to find out about her death on facebook, but it was amazing to see information fly. She was only 48. My mother is 52. The shock of losing someone so young and so quickly. After my father’s heart infection last thanksgiving, it hit really hard how fleeting life can be. It was great to see my parents this weekend. I do not appreciate it as much as I should. And thinking how terrible this must be for her girls to travel home for such a tragedy is heart breaking.

One of my goals for this year “of the baby” is to get a grasp on my family. Some of the family relationships have struggled in the past. I would hate to lose those ties as D and I start our own family. We want our children to appreciate the support system that a family can provide. D’s family is quite small, especially compared to my own. And even the parts of his mother’s side which is large, he does not know or speak to them. My family vacations with my cousins, aunts, grandparents, was a large part of my upbringing and I would love to share that with my own children. And if that passing of a wonderful 48 year-old woman can have any blessing, it will be to teach myself and others to savor the moment with loved ones.

Labour Day

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Yesterday was my labour day. Dad and I did a mass rework of the backyard. We cut down the dead tree that has been threatening to fall into our not-so-nice neighbors yard since we moved in. We trimmed the branches of the very nice neighbors trees that were hanging into our yard. Then we leveled the mounds of dirt on the left side of the walk and spread mulch. The dogs are getting used to it, not eating it as much as I feared. But, in any case, my back is quite sore.

We took my parents to brunch at Coca’s this morning. I really like that place. I had this amazing almond french toast with lemon glaze. It was pretty deadly, but really good. Then we went to the Monroeville Mall and mom and I each bought suits. I pretend like I’m working toward finding a better job. Really, I’m just hoping one will fall in my lap. However, the economy is stifling this pipe dream.

The other new thing is that my father brought me his sewing machine. I’ve never been much of a quilter, but I’m going to try my hand at it again. I’ve been looking for a big project to take on since D started school. I’m sick of watching TV by myself on the weekends while he works. I’m hoping this will keep me from getting too bored and also produce something. I bought some fabric from Etsy that I’m really excited about, so we’ll see what happens. This sewing machine and I have not really even gotten along, so this could be quite the battle of wills. If I do manage to create something even mildly impressive I will be sure to post pictures.

Other than the yard, not really any big holiday plans. I was actually hoping that they would have a skeleton crew in tomorrow so I could pick up some overtime, but oh well. Mom and dad are leaving later this evening and D has school work to do. So, we’ll see what I sort out with setting up the sewing machine and reading my book. Trying to be productive is the goal, but it does not always happen that way.

More Post-Op

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Wisdom teeth are healing. My stitches are moving around and loosening, talk about a weird feeling. Ready for the three day weekend though. It will be nice to have a break. Though with my parents coming to work on the yard I’m not sure how much relaxation we’ll have. But hopefully the yard will look good by Monday. It needs the help.

Coming up on my ovulation for this month. Sorry if that’s an overshare. But wish us luck anyway.

Bad Neighbors

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I have two sleeping puppies next to me on the couch, looking peaceful and quiet. Yet, why do I feel like a bad neighbor. Our next door neighbor yelled at D yesterday about their barking. Even though it isn’t our dog that’s barking (it’s another neighbor down the street), I still feel bad about it. It makes me feel like we are bad neighbors. Our yard is not great. Neither of us have time to deal with it. There is a dead tree that needs removed and a lot of mud where I pulled up weeds last year and never planted new grass. Yesterday I wanted to move so bad. It totally ruined my entire day. I was so productive in the morning too.

They just look so peaceful. Like they couldn’t hurt a fly. It is just hard. D has a full-time job with school. More than full-time really. And I have at least 50 hours with the commute every week. We’ve had to change priorities to get everything done, but the yard has really taken a back seat. It makes me think that if I cannot even juggle my job and my yard, what does that say about me being a mother. My fatalist nature tells me I won’t be thrown anything that I can’t handle, but sometimes I wonder. What makes a person ready to be a parent? It is all about money? Or the ability for one parent to be a stay at home caregiver? I hope we are ready. I hope we are good enough.

Removing Wisdom?

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow. Am I losing some wisdom by this process? It’s my first surgery and I’m a little freaked out about it. But everything I keep reading says take care of our dental care before getting pregnant. Not sure how I feel about that. But I’m getting them taken out anyway. A weekend of ice packs and soft food. D is making me pizza tonight as kind of a ‘last meal’. He spoils me.

But I’m sure I will be writing over the next few days to whine about my pain. Hopefully I will at least get some good pain meds out of it. Mostly, it’s just been all the horror stories people have been telling me. Though several people have been telling me how easy it was. In any case I’ll will be lounging on the couch with the puppies for the next several days. Should be interesting.

Sexy Beast

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

The only nickname I have ever had aside from badly shortened versions of my first name was “Sexy Beast”. It was given to me by a Chinese international student from Wooster. I’m not even sure he knew what it meant. But he gave it to me freshman year and refused to call me anything else through graduation. I think one time he came back to my room with my roommate to study and saw me in my sports bra heading to the gym. I’m not sure why that makes me a ‘sexy beast’, but every attempt to argue with him about it just made him say it louder and in more public places.

When I was in Scotland for my study abroad semester, I found a mug in the Jamie Olivier collection that actually said “Sexy Beast” on the side. I bought it and cackled the whole way home. Now I keep pencils and pens in on my desk at work. One of my co-workers said something about it today. No one has even noticed it before. I will probably bring it home soon so as not to offend anyone.

This has a point, I swear. As D and I start to look toward having children, the list of possible names is quickly shortened by the nicknames it can produce. Anything that can be cut up (Christopher, Jennifer, Robert) are out. And we want something unique, so they are getting pretty out there. From norse gods to ancient romans. Not sure what we’ll end up with. I’m sure once we actually get pregnant I’ll post a list of possibilities. But I am sure I do not want “Sexy Beast” to be a family name.

Focus on Friends

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

A co-worker invited me to his wedding today. I was surprised and really excited. D and I have been getting together with him and his fiance to play board games and have meals at each other’s homes a couple of times. So it was really nice to see that they liked us enough to give us an invite. D and I have not had the best of luck with friends. Each of our respective best friends from college actually live in the same city we do, yet they never make any attempt to spend time with us. And when we try to meet somewhere for an activity or a meal, it turns out with us spending money and cooking a meal ourselves and entertaining until all hours of the night. It is nice to have friends who appreciate the balance. In any case, we are really excited about the wedding and having friends who want to spend time with us.

I guess I didn’t realize how hard it would be to balance friends as an adult. Weekdays are crazy with chores and dinner in the evenings. And on the weekends I want to spend time with D. Especially now when he will have so little free time. It’s the friends that are worth making time for that I treasure.

I Just Cannot Win

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

I am currently reading Day After Night by Anita Diamant. She wrote one my favorite works The Red Tent, a masterpiece if you have not had the privilege. This work, published in 2009, tells the story of four women who have survived the second world war and are trying to start over in Israel. And I realized something about myself as I read this book, even though I am hardly three chapters in. I attach myself emotionally to whatever I am doing and I judge myself based on interactions with others and their emotions. These women each have a story; full of struggle and loss. I’m not sure if it is self-pity, but I hate myself as I read their pasts because they make my life seem so jovial. I always feel like I complain too much whenever I read a good dramatic book or emotional movie/show. I’m not sure which is worse, feeling bad because everyone around me is overly happy, or feeling bad because my life isn’t as terrible as it has been for others. Quite a pathetic predicament.

However, keeping all that in mind, I think my depression has wained a lot in the last few months. The baby prep has helped, though my baby time clock has not made that easy. My self-confidence has not grown, but that’s probably because my waistline has. It’s just a constant balancing act. Not getting enough sleep makes it worse, but so does getting too much. Going clothes shopping is like pulling teeth, but our weekly grocery run is calming. I’m almost jealous of those with chemical depression as I feel like it would at least be more consistent. It’s really a two steps forward, one step back kind of deal.
Lately, my career, or lack of one has been the big issue. My job has nothing to do with either my undergraduate or graduate degrees. It’s frustrating trying to pay bills doing something you do not really want to do. And to tell you truth, I would not really mind my job, if it actually paid the bills. But the raise we were promised in April is still a long time coming, and with this one income we really struggle to support D and I, not to mention a child. It’s just frustrating, expecting life to be fair.

What’s for dinner tonight?

**This blog was originally created in 2010 to document my husband and my life as we tried to get pregnant with our first child. After finding BDSM I repurposed the blog in 2014 to look at our kink and balancing it with the two children we now have. Please feel free to read the below posts and any from my 2010 and 2011 archive, but please be aware that they are not representative of our life now. Also, certain edits have been made to these posts. To start from the beginning of our kinky life, start here. **

Well, D is officially a student again. Apparently his classes are going well. I am taking back about 75% of the house work. Dinners, cleaning, dog entertainer; all my jobs again. Not that I mind. I find that those simple things give me a stronger sense of accomplishment than my job does. And D and I both love to cook, so I know he will still help where he can.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandfather’s death. Possibly the worst morning of my life to date. It’s strange to think of the anniversary of losing a loved one how much time has passed. My dog Toby was just a puppy, I wasn’t at my current job. It’s probably not wise to gauge time in how long it has been since you lost someone, but I find as I get older, it’s more common than using one’s age or wedding anniversary. Hopefully soon it will be the age of my children, at least that is moving forward in view, not back.